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Just call me John and get it over with ~ A poetic tale of a rather unpoetic man

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1/5/2009 15:42:50   
Mistermafio
Member

Well, this is the start of a new epic by me. This time not in a fantasy setting, but in a much more modern-day time.

Two chapters are up already:

Chapter 1: Another day, another murder

Chapter 2: You boys know you won't get far, right?
AQ  Post #: 1
1/5/2009 16:01:46   
Chaddledee
Member

Epic. I haven't seen a novel written in poem form since the ancient greeks. Very good so far. I can't wait for chapter 3. I am wondering if at the end you had meant to put "crouch" or if you had meant "crotch".
MQ  Post #: 2
1/5/2009 16:27:00   
Recar Dragonlance
Member

Mr. Mafio!

quote:

about sleazy motels,
and cheap take-out food.


Probably nothing, but I don't like the feel of that line with the others. The coffee line seems to fit perfectly but for some reason I don't like it. Ha, just ignore me I guess, I just think it's a bit out of place.

Chapter 2...

quote:

The noise alone gave him an headache


I believe that is "a".

I really enjoyed that poem. For some reason poetry + Recar = Blashphemy but I really liked this. The second chapter seemed to flow better then the first one, but introductions are hard so doesn't matter. Well done MM!
DF  Post #: 3
1/5/2009 17:11:47   
Mistermafio
Member

Thank you very much Chanddledee and Recar, I'm very glad you like it ^>^

I fixed the typo's you pointed out, though I decided to keep the coffee thing Recar. Anyway, chapter three is out:

Chapter 3: Four dark figures
AQ  Post #: 4
1/5/2009 19:18:10   
Mistermafio
Member

Last chapter for today,

next chapter, things will get interesting.

Chapter 4: Remember five years ago, when our record was twelve?
AQ  Post #: 5
1/5/2009 19:24:12   
time losh
Member

Did people just catch the mystery bug while I was gone? I used to be the only mystery writer on the forum :P

Did that rumor that I was dead spread quick enough for everyone to wanna write mystery stuff? lol

But this is really good so far, don't see a lot of mysteries done in epic poem format.
AQ  Post #: 6
1/6/2009 18:43:56   
Mistermafio
Member

Heh, I'm glad you enjoy it, but you can sleep tight TL, this will hardly be a mystery. The next few chapters will steer this thing into a rather different direction.

Speaking of which, chapter four will be up tomorrow.
AQ  Post #: 7
1/7/2009 11:13:43   
Recar Dragonlance
Member

Ha, that's the first fight scene I've seen in a poem.

Hurry up and post chapter 5, your ending is making me restless...
DF  Post #: 8
1/7/2009 18:11:24   
Mistermafio
Member

Oh but Recar, then you clearly haven't read my last epic! That had fight scenes too! :^P

I'm glad you enjoyed it. I'm dubbing this chapter the "boy do I love cliffhangers" chapter.

Chapter 5: The greatest hero of our time
AQ  Post #: 9
1/8/2009 12:21:43   
Xirminator
Member

Ah, the word "epic" is perfectly suited for this type of poetry. (Did I flatter you enough?)

As you know, I'm not a poetry expert (or even anything else below that) but I noticed a couple of things you might want to have a look at.


Chapter 3
quote:

He sits there kneeled before his captors


Perhaps "kneeling"?

quote:

by kicking his opponent right on his face


"... in the face" maybe?

Chapter 4
quote:

It aren't just the bodies one could ask for proof,


It aren't? =O (counting on your ability to see it :P)

Alright, to be serious, I liked it. I'm waiting for chapter 6 very eagerly. (I don't want him to die! I don't want him to be a sacrifice! There I said it. :P)
AQ DF  Post #: 10
1/8/2009 17:00:53   
Mistermafio
Member

Thank you for the awesome comment Xirmi ^>^
I'm glad you enjoyed reading this.

I'll correct those errors as soon as I have a bit more time, though now I can only say one thing:

Chapter 6: This is gonna be a long night.
AQ  Post #: 11
1/18/2009 18:32:46   
Mistermafio
Member

Chapter 7: He is new in town.

AKA, and now for something completely different

< Message edited by mistermafio -- 1/18/2009 18:34:10 >
AQ  Post #: 12
1/28/2009 12:31:11   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hi!

Long time since.

I read everything you've posted so far last night at peculiar hours... Very interesting epic indeed, I have to follow up where this leads to. Is it going to stay as dark through the whole story?[/fishing for information =P]

Btw, I like the chapter titles. Me is still nitpicky enough to point that the title for chapter no 3 seems to be a bit bland, imo, compared to the other titles. Each and every one of those others could basically stand alone as a sentence or a speechline. So that's basically what sets them apart from the title no 3. Maybe you could out there some odd reference to the trunk... Ah, really, this isn't that important, just telling you that it caught my eye...

In chapter Six:
quote:

This stuff is need to know,
and only then the information I can give you,
is only so-so.

I don't quite get the first line. I first thought it should be 'This stuff you need to know,' but then I realised that doesn't quite fit in either, does it?

There's a typo a the end of the same chapter:
quote:

And we wouldn't want your troat to get soar,

I believe that should be 'throat'

A couple of typos in chapter 7:
quote:

in this city of woman and beer.

I suspect it would be better in plural: 'women' =P

quote:

The voice sounds,
louder then before.

'than'

quote:

Two large man emerge,

'men'

quote:

I'll make tomorrows dinner out of you.

tomorrow's?

Note that I didn't do any actual typo-hunting, those were just the ones that I happened to catch.
See you!
DF  Post #: 13
1/28/2009 13:45:52   
Mistermafio
Member

Chapter 8 – Those buggers are pricy

New chapter up, following up on our events of chapter 7


Thanks for the nice comment fabula ^>^ I really appreciate it.

I'm glad you enjoy it, I indeed plan on keeping this theme throughout the story, maybe throw in a twist or two, I'm not sure yet... Or am I? ;^)

The titles of the chapters are lines from the chapters as you've noticed. I really enjoy those types of titles, also because some of them can come as some kind of surprise

I'll give chapter 3 a closer look, as will I do for the things you noticed in the other chapters.

The 'need to know' line basically refers to the term 'need to know' which means the information is so secret you'll only get it once you need it, /if/ you need it.

Thank you for the great comment



AQ  Post #: 14
1/31/2009 12:00:47   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Lol, I planned to wait until you'd have more than one new chapter posted up, but having only a few RL responsibilities today I couldn't keep myself away.

Thanks for clarifying the 'need to know part'!

On to chapter 8... Very cinematic scene! I'm listening to Kill Bill Vol 2 soundtrack now, while writing these comments, and find the music very fitting to the scenery (the music, that is, I do realise that the imagery of the said movie is quite different..) =P

A couple of typos and some nitpicking; a trait I never seem to rid myself of...

1)
quote:

I couldn’t take you on in battle,
especially not considering this is two versus one.

I find that 'not' somewhat confusing here. The stranger says not to be considering it's 'two to one'. Yet saying that proves that some consideration has been done.

2)
quote:

was found to be completely un-hearable
through that same sound.

Imho, the first line is excessively passive.. I don't know if I can clarify my vague feelings, but, to me, it's basically stating that no one particular ('was found') found out something by not observing it (unhearable).
My suggestion for you to consider, would be a blunt, straightforward stating:
'was too weak to be heard'
I hope am I not meddling in too much..

3)
quote:

the bouncer can't do much more then stare into the dark barrel.

Just a typo: 'than'
DF  Post #: 15
2/3/2009 14:39:54   
Recar Dragonlance
Member

Hey, checking in to say I've read it.

I was listening to The Academy Is... while reading chapter 7 and the two don't really go lol. I love the title of Chapter 8 as well.

Keep 'em coming!
DF  Post #: 16
2/4/2009 17:43:41   
Mistermafio
Member

I'm very glad you people like it ^>^

I'll be looking at those typo's asap fabula, thank you very much for pointing them out ^>^

I'm not sure what kind of music would fit with this story as a whole, though I'm honoured kill-bill seems to fit :^)
AQ  Post #: 17
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