Argeus the Paladin
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Long time no siege writing, HK. Let's see what we have here.
ALERT! ALERT! THE BRITANNIAN ARMY IS AT THE GATES WITH THEIR KNIGHTMARES! Someone call Lelouch Lamperouge Err... sorry about that. Faux alert. That's how I took it at first. Now, where were we?
1) Garmmar/Spelling/Word Use/Punctuation/Everything else dictionary related.
quote:
although that might’ve been in part because of his helmet. Matthew had just finished graduation at the military mecha school.
This is a particular place I believe you should not abbreviate. Go with "might have" instead.
quote:
What Matthew did have going for him was intelligence.
This is quite an awkward combination. Why don't you try something like, "what Matthew did have on his side was..."?
quote:
He always thought outside of the box when standard answers were not around.
"Outside" is a standalone preposition.
quote:
and go off to help defend the galaxy from whatever threats may arise
Two problems. Or maybe three. First, "go off" doesn't sound... suitable, to which "set off" would be a finer suit. Second, as the story is written in past tense I thought "may" should have been "might". Third, maybe a "that" or "which" before "may arise" would make this more grammatically accurate.
quote:
A few hadn’t made the cut, others had barely made it. Those that fell into either category simply grinned, as if they didn’t care. Only two were upset, and those two were the ones that were told that they were so bad that they shouldn’t bother trying again at all.
You mean, "A few hadn't made it/passed"?
quote:
They were even the ones that pushed to give Matthew the helmet he wore.
The "even" sounds out of place here. You can either remove it, or replace "they" by "there", at which point the sentence's structure would change totally.
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His voice had the feeling of “old” to it, and it did sound like it was grinding against something.
"Old". You must mean he sounded old.
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Matthew took the medal and slapped it onto his uniform.
While "slap" sounds like a powerful word, in this case it sounds a bit too informally haphazard for the ceremony. Maybe "placed" "stuck" or even "attached" would be a fine replacement.
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“We cannot dictate where you get put. But we will put in a letter of recommendation,”
Same as above. "Get put" may be switched for "will be garrisonned to" or "will be assigned to".
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Brad had on more than one occasion been threatened with expulsion, and he almost did.
"Did" here is part of an incomplete split structure. To fix it over, you can use "And he almost got one."
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On the opposite end of the spectrum, the ten-story tall mecha were built solely for front-line purposes, but they consumed energy rapidly because of the weight that is needed to move itself.
You must mean the mech is so heavy it consumes energy just to lift a finger. So you should paraphrase the sentence to "... because of their own, over-standard weight."
quote:
Under the right arm was a large blade that Matthew only whipped out in desperate C.Q.B. situations. The blade was self-cleaning and sharpened itself easily, making it very long-lasting.
You must mean that the blade is "durable".
2) Everything else:
quote:
Maria, right. Man, I’ve got to focus more on my social skills, and not just my piloting skills…
Contradiction Alert: Just above, you mentioned Matthew was far from a good pilot. He shouldn't have focused that much, should he?
quote:
Matthew walked up to his mech, a five-story tall top-of the line X-50193 “Juggernaut”. Matthew had optimized the energy frames to make up for the lack of generators
"I'm the Juggernaught!" - says a CnC GDI mobile attillery support mech.
quote:
Several mecha were allowed to have “gender” choices. Female mecha were given two domes in the chest area, which housed generators. This allowed said mecha to last longer in an extended battle. Male mecha were reinforced with additional armor and better shielding, making them standard-issue.
I like this explanation - it shows that the mods are not purely aesthetic.
quote:
Maria had a top-of-the-line TX-1567 “Wolf” mecha. Despite its name, it was not shaped like a wolf in any manner whatsoever except for the head. Maria decided to go with the female version, as it was much easier for her to avoid incoming attacks than Matthew.
Contradiction Alert: You said that
- "Female" Knightmare Frames meches are more enduring.
- "Male" Orbital Frames meches are more armed and armored.
You said nothing about female meches being more evasive, and high durability =/= evasion. Correct me if I am wrong.
3) Conclusion:
So... what can I say? Your story is unique in L&L. A refreshing sight after a whole lotsa vampires and werewolves AND *shudder*TWILIGHT!!!*shudder*. It is... an unpolished gem, though.
- Too many places you have used the wrong word/wrong style/wrong combination. Most often, it is because you applied real-life spoken language in ceremonious events, whence it is not. A thesaurus shall be your good friend, as it has been mine.
- Technobabbles. I'm sorry to say I don't understand CQB and NC. Would you mind clarifying those?
All in al, I'll be back soon with chapter 2. Until then, good luck!
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