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Ask Zorbak: The Ezine Edition
By Zorbak
Meh heh heh! Welcome to this issue's installment of "Ask Zorbak:" The only advice column in the entire world run entirely by an Ebil Moglin Necromancer.
This month, I'm told that the theme is Luck. Pah! Luck is for losers. The only people who ever talk about luck are sad, pathetic idiots who lack the skills required to make their own fortune. Rather then realize that their failures lie within, they claim they are victims of "bad luck" or that their luck "ran out" or that the eventual winner was "just lucky." Meh, I say! Those of us who are WINNERS know that there is NO SUCH THING as luck. We don't rely on some invisible, esoteric force to bring us good things: we rely on our skills, our brains, our talents, *cough*our abilities to sucker others into doing our work for us*cough*, and our unending fortitude to achieve our goals.
The only use I've ever found for this so-called Luck is to pass the occasional stat roll. And actually, I don't even need luck for that. See, I have this pair of dice that I've weighted just right, so they always... heh... well, that's a story for another time. In the meantime, on to your questions!
(And afterwords, anyone feeling "lucky" is welcome to join me in the Hideout for a few rounds of dice... Meh heh heh heh heh...)
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Th3tank asks: Why are you so mean and what to take over the world?
Why does everybody always assume I am mean, just because I want to take over the World? You have no idea what I'm planning to do once I take over. Perhaps I plan on instituting Universal Healthcare, affordable low-cost housing, and a solid jobs program that will provide work for those who want it and bring unemployment down to an all-time low... all while cutting unnecessarily bloated social programs and reducing the pork barrel politics of the current military-industrial complex. Oh, and did I mention FREE PUPPIES FOR EVERYONE!
Armyarchmage asks: I never really saw you do anything ebil, what exactly do you do that is ebil?
Oh, I do LOTS of ebil. Secret, sneaky ebil. That's why you never see it... well, that and the fact that most of time when I try to do something ebil, a bunch of nosy adventurers and goody-goody paladins descend on me and mess it all up.
Kk73 asks: Hi, did you go to school when you were little?
Of course I went to school. Because learning is knowledge, and knowledge is power. And knowing is half the battle!
Max3467 asks: Hey Zorbak do you know who Twig's true identity is because I know wanna know ha I won't tell you because I'm evil.
I hear that Twig is really Bruce Wayne, billionaire playboy and industrialist. Either that, or perhaps he is posing as Clark Kent, mild-mannered reporter for a major metropolitan newspaper. Or maybe... just MAYBE... he's Twig: Idiot yellow moglin with a red scarf and a fish-and-ice cream fetish.
Joethomas9 asks: Zorbak, why do you think the world revolves around you, and you think you will rule the world and you think you are so smart, when you should know that bad guys always "lose" and one more thing, twilly is AWESOME.
First of all, I don't think the world revolves around me. Everyone with half a brain knows that the world revolves around the Sun. And perhaps bad guys always "lose" as you put it, but I also happen to know that only the good die young. So I will take my temporary "losses" now, in exchange for a day when I might dance on the cold, cold graves of all the good guys who pass on before me.
The King asks: what are the names of your undead minions?
Inky, Blinky, Pinky, and Clyde. Oh, and sometimes Sue depending on who you ask...
Baaa79 asks: How did your skin get blue, it seems most moglins or red or brown?
My skin is not blue; what do you think I am, a Smurf? My FUR is blue... a particularly majestic shade of midnight blue, if I do say so myself. And what do you mean "most moglins are red or brown?" Twilly is red. Period. Whereas I am blue, Chilly is blue, Dewlok is blue... heck, even that idiot Moglin who hangs out on Boog's is blue.
Firefly12 asks: Why does twilly dress up in a zorbak mask and say you are jealous of him and like candy?
Well, I DO like candy... football-head is right about that. I suspect Twilly dresses up in a Zorbak mask because, quite frankly, EVERYONE wants to dress up in a Zorbak mask. I bet if you could buy a Zorbak mask, you'd be sitting at your computer right now wearing your Zorbak mask and wishing you could be me. But you couldn't be me... you could just be you in a handsome Zorbak mask.
Stryke Slagar asks: I heard you say love is for the weak and stupid and such. So if that's true why do you have two girl hanging around? You know Mu Glen and The Nightmare Queen? I know the Nightmare Queen loves you because of that love potion but still a mighty necromancer supreme shouldn't have two living girls hanging around.
What can I say? I am Zorbak, supreme Moglin Necromancer. Women want me, and men want to BE me. Well, that and the scar... chicks totally dig the scar.
Rr5 asks: Where do dragons come from?
Someone once told me they come from the autumn mists in a land called Honallee.
Sixteenarmsbill asks: The undead are awesome but does it hurt to become undead?
Becoming undead is actually quite a painless process. For me anyway. Meh heh heh. But seriously, the pain is not in becoming one of the undead... the pain is usually involved in the preliminary step of beign turned undead: you know, the one that requires you to die.
Pielad6 asks: Zorbak do you think Adventure Quest worlds will make you the final boss?
From your lips to Artix's ears... I keep trying to tell him that the people clamor for MORE ZORBAK and that increasing the Zorbak content in his games can only increase revenue. Sadly, he doesn't seem to be listening.
Talenca1 asks: Zorbak, i like your style. I have a pesky boy who really needs to be taught a lesson. Can you turn him undead for me?
Well, I COULD... but you know, then I'd have to deal with him. And if he's already a pest to you, why would I want him as an undead pest hanging around me?
Mikeysimon3 asks: When you were bullied, what would you do?
I'd plot my revenge and bide my time... until one day, when they least expected it... Meh heh heh!
Willy-kip asks: When all moglins learn healing, why do you learn necromancy?
What makes you think I don't know healing? The better question would be "Zorbak, when you learned Necromancy, which is obviously the next logical step in the healing arts (reviving the dead instead of those who are merely injured), why did the rest of the Moglins stop learning?" The answer is laziness. Laziness and incompetence. That, and the fact that unlike your pal Zorbak, the rest of the moglins don't care what happens to you if you meet up with an unfortunately fatal "accident' on the battlefield.
Spikesucker asks: Why do you keep getting beat in the events like in Zorbak's Hideout?
You miss ONE creative meeting, and see what happens? Lousy anti-Zorbak bias.
Bobbob asks: What number am I thinking of by the time this on ask zorbak, Zorbak? mehehe bet you cant get it(its over 1)?
Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? Is it 7? (If it wasn't, I bet it is now! Meh heh heh!)
Dragonnightwolf asks: If Twilly were to be selected as one of your dinners, how would you like him prepared? Roasted, broiled, etc?
I would not eat Twilly.. I'm a Necromancer, not a cannibal. But I would suggest a nice pan-fried Twilly, served over rice and preferably with a nice white wine sauce.
Higman2 asks: Where do your parents live?
Live? What makes you think they're living....
Wilhoytekora asks: Where to zombies come from?
Well, when a Mommy Zombie and a Daddy Zombie love each other very much...
King Alec the Awesome asks: Zorbak, why can't you update this server??
Because I'm an ebil Moglin Necromancer, not a network administrator.
And finally, Knightj6 asks: if you hate twilly so much why don't you just turn everything he loves into dust?
There are two problems with that. First of all, Twilly loves EVERYTHING. That's a LOT of stuff to turn into dust. And then what would be left for ME? I certainly don't want to live in a world full of dust just to spite Twilly. Secondly, Twilly is such a football-headed moron that he loves dust... he'd be thrilled to sit there and play in the dirt, probably while babbling inanely to himself.
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Well, that wraps up this latest installment of "Ask Zorbak." Until next time, which hopefully won't be yet another of these silly "theme" issues, keep sending those questions in to zorbak@battleon.com. If I choose your letter (and you haven't asked me the same silly questions that I've answered in the 39 previous E-Zine issues...) you might just see your name in print, and be the beneficiary of my endless font of knowledge and advice.
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