Fleur Du Mal
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"You are all going to die down here."
So, 28 Days Later meets Fifth Element meets Resident Evil? =P
I thought of all those movies when I was reading through your story. Fifth Element for the girl in the cage, 28 days later for the 'infected' and the scene in the Walmart, and Resident Evil for the lab and the room with the observation monitors and the female "computer".
Reading the story, I was amazed how different it was compared to the Crescent war. I think your writing has indeed improved. In general, I liked the pacing of the prologue, it started off maybe a bit technical but sped up quickly with good thrills and tension.
There were some points that caught my eye. Maybe you want to check these?
1)
The opening paragraph felt a little odd for me, though, because there was so many separate event put into one sentence. Sometimes this can make the timeline of consequtive actions seem a little cramped, imho.
Also, you seem to often combine different thing into one sentence by using comma + and. Like here:
quote:
The door slid shut again as John stepped through the portal, and sterilizing chemicals began spraying him down for any outside infections.
Couldn't this sentence also be streamlined to a shorter and simpler version? Since you already established that we are now stepping through a door with John, I think you could leave that out and concentrate to the chemicals pouring over him right after the doors closed. For example:
'Immediately after the doors had closed, sterilizing chemicals began spraying John down for any outside infections.'
Your call, of course.
2)
About the gory part where John returns to defend Marie. It's pretty gory, but I like how you haven't gone overboard with the detail. Yet the one detail you have included is a little off, imo. If Sanders's spinal cord would really be showing, I don't think his head would be attached to his body anymore. Or the connection would be very...thin. Anyways, that part of human central nervous system that is called the spinal cord is pretty securely protected between the vertebral bodies, arches, and ligaments. So, maybe instead of spinal cord you were thinking of his vertebral column, his spine, in other words?
3)
There are quite a few typos in the Prologue. I think you can find most of these by light proofreading. However, it seems like you have a habit of mixing 'then' with 'than', so I'd suggest doing a find with 'then' and then checking if it should the 'than' rather than 'then'.
4) The layout of the testing institution was left a little unclear for me.We get to see the entrance and the testing room, but how wide an area does the web of hallways and staircases cover? O course, adding detailed descriptions of the layout to the point where he is fleeing would probably disturb the fast pace. Maybe you could give some coordinates and idea when John is looking at the monitors? Just an idea.
That's all comments I had on my mind now. Anyways, it's a thrilling start. I hope you'll post more!
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