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8/21/2009 23:35:25   
jiggibidy
Member

Here's the link to the story
Sorry I can't say much more, I'm a bit pressed for time.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 1
8/22/2009 1:21:09   
Firefly
Lore-ian


Here's your proofread. Bolded parts are changes, bracketed italics are the ocassional comment and explanation. Some of it is grammar and some of it is style; I trust you know which is which from the context. My comments are only suggestions, so it's okay to disagree. Remember, grammar is bendable and style is debatable.

I think you've got a very interesting concept here. My main issues with it are the run-on sentences (caused by trying to use commas to join independent clauses, which doesn't work), and the overuse of weaker verbs and adverbs. I can rant on and on about what I like and dislike, but it's late. I'll leave you with this: I think you're on the right track, and I encourage you to write, write, write. I can ramble about round characters or entertaining plot, but even if I were sure that I had a wonderful grasp on those elements myself (and I certainly don't have that confidence), there is no guarantee that my methods would work for you. Your work speaks of potential, but you're not quite there yet, in my opinion. There is no real way to rectify this except by writing more.

Onto the proofread.

quote:

Aestuo lay in her bed, completely relaxed after a long soak in the bath. It was late in the night, and the flock of crows could be seen from her window as the moonlight illuminated them. She ran her hand along her calf and felt the rough skin, the scars that were left by Calx. These would be with her forever, a constant reminder of what she went through for five years. She knew she would never forget what Calx had taught her: all she knew about Magus, freely manipulating and creating fire. She held her hand out in front of her and stared at it for a while. It looked normal, not unlike any other hand she'd seen, but she knew that it was different.

She closed her fingers in loosely. in seconds A red glow emanated from her hand, and a thin trail of smoke floated up to the ceiling. She knew she shouldn't do this--smoke stains were difficult to get off the ceiling--but then, what did it matter? Fairly Few people visited her, and on the rare occasion that somebody did visit, why would they look at the ceiling?

She opened her hand and watched the fire in awe; this was the coolest fire she'd made. Of course, it was the only time she'd tried to make a cool fire. Almost any other person would be screaming in pain as the flame burned away the skin on their hand, but yet it didn't burn her. She lifted her other hand and ran her fingers through the fire, which clung to her fingertips. She brought her hand closer to her face and felt the heat of the four tiny fires warming her face; she blew on each of them and they flickered wildly before vanishing, leaving only a thin trail of smoke behind.

She waved the still-burning hand from side to side, watching as the flame flickered and danced. She looked up at the ceiling. A faint grey stain was starting to show, so she clenched a loose fist, brought it to her mouth and blew through it. A narrow stream (you used “thin trail” before, so this sounds a little redundant to use again) of fire shot out of the window, a bright red streak across a pitch black sky, scattering the crows with the moonlight still dancing on their wings. Aestuo opened her hand again, and the flame was gone, and her hand looked no different to what it had done before.

She reached in the pocket of her robe, which lay on the floor, and withdrew the pendant. The inlaid gold shimmered in the firelight of the house, and light danced across Aestuo's face. It was amazing how big it was, given how expensive amethyst was; not only that, but it was so rare to find a stone this size. Pallens must be either really rich, or have been really lucky to have found one this size. She read the inlaid gold again. She'd memorised what it said, but she couldn't help herself--it seemed to call her to read it.

She looked closer at the words on the pendant, and was surprised to see how fine the gold was. Strands of gold not much thicker than one of her hairs covered one of the crystals faces. As she slowly rotated the pendant on the chain, she noticed that the rest of the faces were left blank, apart from where the intricate web of gold overlapped. Surely more could have been written on it? She looked even closer at the inlaid words, and saw something odd. It couldn't have been rust, as gold didn't tarnish, and with such finely spun gold, trying to paint it would be farcical. The only other thing she could think of was blood.

Why would there be blood on it? Surely, with something so expensive looking, Pallens and his daughter would have been more cautious. Plus, Pallens wore a helmet, so that would stop any blood from spraying onto it. She realised that the more she spent dwelling on it, the more frustrated she became because she couldn't find out the answers. Pallens could be miles away by now; looking for him wouldn't be the wisest thing to do. Although he said he wanted the pendant back, so surely he would stay nearby, to find out if Calx had survived.

Despite only having the pendant for not quite an entire day, she knew she'd be upset giving it back to Pallens. She'd become attached to it; there seemed to be more to it than what met the eye. She unclasped it, putting the chain around her neck, then clasped it again with a little difficulty, due to not being able to see coupled with being tired. The pendant sat comfortably between her breasts, and she lay down, falling asleep almost instantly as her head hit the pillow.

Aestuo never normally dreamt, for she had too much to think of while she slept to waste time with fantasies. But this night was different. While she slept, an unfamiliar voice crept into her mind; it didn't appear to be coming from a particular direction--it was just there. Hello. Aestuo was confused. This wasn't what she thought a dream would be like.

Hello, who are you? Aestuo thought, she was asleep, so talking would have been useless.

My name is Dulcis Bellator. My father is Pallens Bellator. Her voice was sweet; she couldn't have been more than eight years old.

Pallens? I know a man of that name, although his surname was Durus. Aestuo wondered if Bellator could have been his former name.

Yes. His name is Durus now. That was when everything took a turn for the worst. She sniffled and then continued. My father was once a normal man, but when the Durus took us to a village in the mountains, they said that we'd become the best, and that we'd never have to worry again.

What happened? Aestuo could feel a tear welling up in her shut eye. She never knew the sound of a child crying could be so upsetting.

I think it would be better if I showed you as well as told you. I think you'd understand it better.

A blur of gold and purple swept through Aestuo's mind, and she was standing in an unfamiliar courtyard. The buildings were shockingly ornate compared to the buildings in the village; all she could do was stare in wonderment at the amazing architecture. The walls of the buildings were lined with red pillars every metre and there was an intricate framework of thin wood between them. The roofs were tiled with thick, black slate and the moonlight shimmered on its polished surface as if it were reflecting off of water.

Wow, this is amazing. Aestuo looked around and saw a small group of Durus. Standing next to one of them was a young girl of about eight years old. She was wearing a dress that fell halfway down her shin with a floral design on it. Her crimson hair fell to her neck before curling in, brushing against her shoulders as it swayed in the cool breeze.

The sight of the Durus startled her and she jumped back in alarm. The Durus did nothing and stayed where they were.

Don't fret, they can't see or hear you. This is a memory, and it can't be altered.

Aestuo slowly walked towards the group of Durus and stared in wonderment at the snow blossoms that fell gracefully to ground, swirling in the breeze. They spun and danced around the gathering, leaving a white ring around them all that glowed in the moonlight, enveloping them all in light.

As Aestuo approached them, she could hear the young girl's sobs as she cried out, "Don't go, Daddy! I don't want you to leave!" She thrust herself into one of the men's arms and he held her close as she wept. A tear rolled off of her face and landed on his armour. Her cries echoed through the night and Aestuo had to blink back tears.

The man cradled her and leant in to whisper in her ear; curious, Aestuo slowly walked closer towards them to hear what he was saying. "I promise you, Dulcis, nothing will happen to me. I'll come home in the morning after tomorrow and I want you to promise me one thing." The man's voice was calm and soothing, and his face was sympathetic as his daughter looked up at his face, the moonlight illuminating the tears on her face.

Aestuo was now mere feet from the group of Durus, with tears beginning to fall down her face; the whole scene was incredibly touching and she looked up at the beautiful crescent moon. Knowing that the Durus couldn't hear her, she decided to speak, "Is that really you, Dulcis? You look so innocent."

Yes, that's me. I remember how scared I was when Daddy left. I was so worried he'd be hurt or killed. Quite ironic how it turned out... Her voice trailed off as she sniffled.

"What is it, Daddy?" She sniffed loudly and wiped tears from her eyes.

The man stroked Dulcis's hair gently. "I want you to promise me that when I get home, you'll give me a big hug." He smiled and chuckled as a beaming smile spread across his daughter's face.

"Okay, Daddy. I promise that, when you get home, I'll give you the biggest hug ever!" She tried to wrap her arms around her father’s waist and one of the Durus tapped the man on the shoulder.

"Come on, Pallens, we have to get going." He stood tall at about six feet, with a chiselled face and short brown hair. A large axe was clipped to his back. Pallens gently Dulcis away from her and stood up (huh?), matching the height of the other Durus.

Dulcis looked up at Pallens with nothing but love and tears in her eyes. "When you get back, I want to give you a present."

Pallens looked down at his daughter, a smile on his face, "I can't wait to see what you’ll get me. I love you, Dulcis." He then turned and began to walk away.

"I love you too, Daddy." She stood and watched the group of men walk away, her smile never fading, even while the tears started to stream down her face again. Slowly, she turned and walked across the courtyard. The ring of blossoms stayed on the floor for a while, until a light breeze swept by and picked up the ring, scattering it into the night. The only things that glowed on the floor now were the tears that Dulcis had shed.

As Dulcis walked into one of the houses, sliding the door behind her as she did so, Aestuo sprinted to try and make it into the house before the door closed. As she reached the door, she heard it click shut. She slowed herself down, but still ran into the door, her arms outstretched to protect herself. After a while, Dulcis spoke, Don't worry, there's a window you can look through. It's around the side of the house. Aestuo walked around to see a glass window with an ornate frame propped open with a wooden pole; she walked over to it and rested her arms on the windowsill, watching what was happening in the room.

The room was the entire interior of the house, and there were no walls or dividers, just like her house in the village. Dulcis was sat on one of the beds, assumedly hers, crying. Rain had started to patter on the marble courtyard, but Aestuo had the window to cover her. The whole village appeared to be silent, with the exception of the rain and Dulcis's sobbing and sniffling. Aestuo stayed where she was for a while, in awe at the intricacy of the designs on the windowsill.

Suddenly, the near-silence was broken by a shrill scream that was cut short. Alarmed, Dulcis and Aestuo both ran towards the source of the scream. It came from a house that was decorated with a multitude of dragon motifs and adorned with dragon statues. Dulcis explained who they were. They were the blacksmiths of this village, the dragon imagery representing the fire they needed to forge their weapons. They were probably killed first because they were the only people who could defend themselves who hadn't left for the training exercise.

Aestuo and Dulcis ran into the house and stopped dead. The house was covered in blood; it dripped from the ceiling and then pooled on the floor. Smoke, coupled with the smell of burning meat, rose from the forge, and Aestuo was almost sick when she saw a man’s head, along with several of his limbs, burning on the coals of the forge. Aestuo stood where she was, but watched as Dulcis cautiously walked into the house. She looked around at the chunks of what used to be people scattered around the single room of the house. Dulcis thought for a while, and then muttered to herself, "They're all here. They're all dead."

That family had been forging weapons for sixteen generations, and there were secrets that they hadn't told anybody else that were passed down the family tree. The mother was pregnant and even she wasn't spared. Aestuo felt rage bubble through her, and at that moment, she wanted nothing more than to wrap her hands around the throat of whoever did this and watch as they burned.

Dulcis walked out of the house, Aestuo trailing behind her, and when she had made it back to her house, she quickly jumped on her bed and rummaged through one of the cupboards, from which she withdrew three things: a sword that came up to her shoulders, wrapped in blue velvet, a bow almost as tall as she was, made of willow, and a leather quiver that held about five dozen arrows. After properly equipping herself, she slid off of the bed and pulled a bow (didn’t she already have a bow?) from under her bed. The rain had picked up and thunder could be heard in the distance. Dulcis rummaged through the box and removed an ornate wooden case. She pulled the top off and poured its contents into her hand, which was a pendant that Aestuo recognised instantly; she put her hand to the pendant and raised it her eyes, reading the message she had already memorised.

I asked one of the jeweller families to make that for me. I was going to give it to my Daddy as a birthday present. His birthday was the same day he got back from the training exercise. Well, I'm sure he got a big surprise when he returned. Dulcis gripped the pendant tightly in her hand and turned to walk out of the door when she noticed that somebody was standing in the way. A crack thunder could be heard nearby and a bolt of lightning illuminated the figure that stood in the doorway. It was a woman, standing about a foot above Dulcis, something that looked like a whip trailing from her hand, blood dripping from it onto the floor. A vicious smile flashed across her face when she saw the tear-stained smile that spread across Dulcis's.

"Aunty Poena!" Dulcis cried, running towards her, arms outstretched to embrace her in a warm hug. Poena sharply raised her arm and the whip flew up, wrapping itself around Dulcis' wrist; she then pulled the whip towards herself and it tore through the wrist, causing Dulcis' hand to fall to the floor, still clutching tightly onto the pendant. Dulcis screamed in pain and fell to the floor, gushing blood. "Aunty Poena! What are you doing?" She screamed.

The whole scene began to blur slightly, but Aestuo continued to watch, anger, fear and nausea causing her to almost scream herself. This is near the end of this memory. As I lost more blood, everything started to get blurry, until it just… stopped.

"I'm sorry dear, but I'm only following orders. If I had any choice, I wouldn't be doing any of this." Poena held no sincerity in her voice, and she continued to smile as Dulcis stood up and pulled her sword from its velvet sheath, but fell to the floor, as she had lost too much blood to be able to hold it. Poena laughed as the sword clattered to the ground, and she swooped down to pick up Dulcis by the throat and slam her against the wall, the blood from her wrist dripping down the wall. At this point, the scene began to blur further and the voice of Poena sounded muffled, but Aestuo could make out most of what she was saying, "Now, Dulcis, I'm going to explain why I'm doing this, but bare in mind that I don't know everything. It has something to do with a man called Calx Ventulus. He's a bad person, and we need a reason for the Durus of this village to attack him. Why? I have no idea, but has something to do with a special type of magic..." Everything then blurred until there was nothing but darkness and Poena's voice faded into silence.

Aestuo woke in her bed, dripping in cold sweat, and she sat up sharply, panting as she did so. Questions flooded into her mind, but one question in particular stood out from the rest of them. What was the special type of magic that had something to do with Calx?

Aestuo heard Dulcis's voice again, I'm afraid I don't know. I'd passed out at that moment, and I'd died shortly afterwards.

Aestuo slid her feet off of the bed and rested her elbows on her knees, cupping her chin in her hands. "Don't worry, Dulcis, I can ask him tomorrow." Standing up, Aestuo walked towards the door. "Forget that, we can go speak to him now." And with that, she opened the door and left, extinguishing the fire on the torch as she did so.
AQ  Post #: 2
8/23/2009 3:09:37   
jerenda
Member

Oy. PM me with the link to this, I'm going to lose it...
AQ DF  Post #: 3
11/12/2009 17:17:39   
jiggibidy
Member

Don't fret, I'm going to make appropriate edits when I'm not so busy.*
I've now put up the third chapter of my story, and I would appreciate some help with it, proofreading and whatnot.
If you're not in an analytical mood, feel free to simply read it and let me know what you think.

P.S. I know I'm making slow progress with this, but I do care about it, and am determined to finish it. I just have greater priorities at the moment.

*College has started and I'm up to my eyebrows in work.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 4
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