Fleur Du Mal
Member
|
Hiya!
I read the story and so far I'm liking it, especially the humorous side of it works very well. Unfortunately, I play very little MQ/it's been some time since I last played it, so I can't really help with the authencity thingy.
What I noted is that eventhough the relatively short-sentenced style of writing fits the Sheriff Duncan's characterization pretty well, it did get a little choppy for me at some spots. I'm not sure if varying the sentence-structure would mess up with the characterization? Duncan spewing long, decorative (as in overtly-descriptive) sentences might feel rather odd, but maybe you could try switching the word order a bit more often so that less sentences would start with the subject? This is not a big issue so that it would be a real problem or anything, I'm merely just pointing this out so that you can recheck it and see what you think. Imo, it might be something worth to experiment with at least, even if it wouldn't lead to edits.
Grammar-wise, there are some punctuations in relation to quotes that I think are odd. For example in these sentences:
quote:
“You still don’t get it do you?” Anna smiled. “Okay, I’m going to spell a few things out for you.” She said, as she drew her blade and clutched the hilt.
quote:
“Ok? Miss, I understand but I don’t know what to call you.” I pressed even though the situation had become slightly awkward.
the latter part of the sentence is tied to the quote by replacing the period at the end of the quote with a comma and by not capitalizing the explaning part of the sentence after the quote ->
quote:
“You still don’t get it do you?” Anna smiled. “Okay, I’m going to spell a few things out for you,” she said as she drew her blade and clutched the hilt.
quote:
“Ok? Miss, I understand but I don’t know what to call you,” I pressed even though the situation had become slightly awkward.
(Also, I don't think the first sentence needs a comma between 'said' and 'as.'
Basically, if you have a quote and an explanation who said it following it, the explaining part is left uncapitalized and in case the quote ended with a period, the period is replaced with a comma. Exclamation and question marks are used as such but the following part is still uncapitalized:
"The sun is shining," he said.
"I don't believe you!" he shouted.
Also, a stray typo I happened to notice:
quote:
This must have been the queue for the assassins,
'cue' is the word to be used in this context, I believe.
A queue means the same as a line.
Anyways, this was a nice piece to read. And I had fun. =) Definately a plus.
|
Printable Version
Icon Legend
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread
