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[Comments] Checkmate.

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8/2/2010 2:19:26   
_Depression
Member



Well, I'm at it again, writing another story instead of Author's Fantasy or Angel: the Beautiful Outcast...

I don't have much to say about this one, other than it's not going to go in the direction you think. At least, not unless you think as sideways as I do.

So keep reading!

And comment!

And maybe critique!

< Message edited by _Depression -- 8/2/2010 2:21:14 >
AQ  Post #: 1
8/9/2010 0:06:07   
_Depression
Member

Well, I uploaded the next chapter. Maybe I can get some comments?

Anyone?
AQ  Post #: 2
8/11/2010 7:49:34   
demolitiondragon
Constructively Friendly!


 Alright, but it's going to have to be quick. It might sound a bit blunt as well, so sorry in advance if it does.


I admit, I lost the "point" of the prologue. There's no real excitement to hook me into the story, and no intriguing questions posed that make me want to read on in search of the answer. Neither does it set the scene. It does introduce the character, but there isn't much to empathise with. It doesn't hint at where the story might go, or what kind of story it will be. If it does, it was either too subtle, or I'm too thick. =]

The part in the first chapter where he opens all letters bar one, which he takes to his room to read in private... It sounds too set-up. As soon as he decided to so this, I knew exactly what direction the story would go next, so it's also too predictable. If he opened around half in the prescence of his mother, then opened the other half by himself (even with the same reasoning--"it'll just be more of the same"), this would help make it less obvious. Also, why not have him only notice there is one letter too many at that point to raise the tension? Wouldn't you have opened the unexpected extra one first to see who, what and why it came to you?

You usual flair for description shines through. =]

The second chapter still gives no strong desire to read on. The excitement is quashed because the main character seems too much in control of the situation. Too calm and nonchalant. It doesn't matter to him; why should it matter to us? The only question that seems to be there is "what do these people want him to do for them?" and there isn't much reason to care. The protagonist may as well still be a stranger to the reader. As a writer, you /need/ them to care. I felt your description slipped when the forest came into things--what was the temperature like? Wind? Animals? Ground? Path? Car? Is the main character's night vision good or bad? Is he in a T-shirt, or wearing 3 coats?

Again, sorry if any of that sounds harsh. It's not intended that way.
Post #: 3
8/11/2010 22:33:48   
_Depression
Member

It didn't sound harsh at all. I admit, the main character isn't very sympathetic. That's a mistake by design though, I had never intended him to be a sympathetic character in the story.

The prologue is admittedly shoddy, I had never intended on writing one, but wanted to introduce the chess aspect somehow... And as for the single unopened letter, that again was admittedly badly written. I have to rework that, and I admit your suggestions are what I may eventually go with.

Thanks for the compliment on my description, I always strive for that. As for my description in the forest scene, I had lost track of what I had and had not clarified, which is again my mistake.

I hope you'll keep reading, the pace really starts to pick up now, and I would be disappointed if my early narrative struggling put you off.

Again, thank you.


Edit: On second thought, I'm going to move this to the Workshop, to try to get a better feel for what I'm doing wrong. I've been writing so little in recent months, I feel like my skill [or whatever fraction thereof that I possess] is fading.

< Message edited by _Depression -- 8/11/2010 22:35:35 >
AQ  Post #: 4
8/12/2010 6:47:34   
demolitiondragon
Constructively Friendly!


 Luck to you, _Dep. =]
I'll be reading.

< Message edited by demolitiondragon -- 8/12/2010 6:49:16 >
Post #: 5
8/17/2010 2:56:20   
KageArashi
Member

Greetings and Salutations,

I immediately noticed in the prologue that there isn't a really strong emotional connection between reader and your protagonist. It seem distant, as if you were recite a page of history. Justin seem, at a glance, some what weak willed and emotionless. It's still really to early to give a correct gauge on his characteristics, but right now that's how he's being portrayed. Most readers can't really connect to a person that seems like he's not putting all his effort into a great bout, as seen with Justin in his Chess match. Logically speaking, people project themselves into the roles of the stories they read, its how the magic happens. But perhaps you just need more time to give Justin to develop, I'll reserve final judgements until later on.

The Plot is budding very nicely, has an easy pace and easy to follow. Still to really comment on how the actual plot if going, but for now its flowing well.

Finally your descriptions could be better, but then again I'm a little OCD about descriptions. A minor suggestion and an idea, maybe you could input a couple suggestions on how Justin is feeling every now and then. It would help the reader connect to the character. For example, you only know just a tad bit about Justin and that whole bit is not all that revealing. In the prologue, why isn't Justin nervous, anxious, weary, or irritated? For a hardcore chess player, you'd think he'd be a little more emotional in the finals of the Junior Grandmaster Chess match. Then in the first chapter, your first chapter, I didn't see any mentions of family other than the mom who has run-ins with the mailman. How does he feel about that? Also what colleges did he apply to, is he aiming High? Why didn't he show a bit of anger when he gotten that 'spam' Harvard Letter? Why wasn't he suspicious of being called for a meeting at night?

As you can see, I ask a lot of questions. But that's enough for now, I think I'm a little rusty on critiquing, so sorry if this wasn't too helpful.

May the Force Be With You,
KageArashi

P.S. I'm feeling particularly Star Wars-y...so that might have seeped in

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Post #: 6
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