G.I.G.A.
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Hello there. Critique time!
I'll start with some grammar/spelling mistakes first.
quote:
It was a beutiful day in willowshire but this was a cruel joke as the city was in ruins, of it only remained a refugee camp, in this morning a messenger walked trought it, searching for a horse he has been tasked by guardian fortuna to deliver a message to falconreach asking for their help.
Now, this whole thing is a run-on sentence. I would suggest fixing it as follows:
quote:
It was a beutiful day in willowshire, but this was a cruel joke as the city was in ruins. Of it only remained a refugee camp. This morning a messenger walked trought it, searching for a horse. OR ; he had been tasked by guardian fortuna to deliver a message to falconreach, asking for their help.
Next:
quote:
It was a beautiful morning, Bosterblader was walking in the woods near falconreach when he found someone, who had all his ropes destroyed was famelic and obiously at the brink of death.
Okay, I honestly have no idea what you said here. Perhaps change the first comma to a period, and be more clear on what you mean by "ropes" and "famelic".
quote:
(")There is no time(") (he said,) coughing up blood. (")Please deliver this letter to the guardian tower,(") and with those last words the mysterious man fainted.
Fixes in bold.
Now, I just skimmed the rest of the chapter, and I've noticed that you use little to no quotation marks. I suggest you read your chapter aloud to yourself; that should catch most of your mistakes. Remember, for dialogue you need quotation marks. Also, for thoughts, I suggest putting them in single quotes and italics, 'Like this.'
Now, for stylistic feedback:
The main problem so far seems to be that you skip over a lot of details. For example:
quote:
He is in good hands, but now I need to deliver this letter, thought Bosterblader.
When he delivered the letter to the guardians he was dissmissed with the order to whait for future instructions, so he headed to the inn to rest there.
Here, you could perhaps expand a little on the the journey to the guardian tower. Was it a short journey, or a long one? Was it in the same city? Try to answer these questions, yet do it as indirectly as possible. Avoid making your details stock and simple.
As I just mentioned rather briefly, try not to make your text stock and simple. This seems to be a problem with your story as of now. Each sentence should flow into the next. As it is now, it seems more like simple stated facts rather than flowing sentences. This could at least be minimally remedied by using transitions and combining sentences. For example, you could combine two related sentences by turning a period into a comma and adding one of the "fanboys" conjunctions (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so).
I can't accurately judge the quality of the plot at this point. I'll wait until a few chapters in to get back to this.
Please don't take any of this as me just beating on you. I am not trying to make you feel bad, I am trying to help you improve your writing.
Got it all? Good!
< Message edited by G.I.G.A. -- 2/20/2011 4:21:58 >
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