Home  | Login  | Register  | Help  | Play 

(DF) Varen-Everyone has a dark side

 
Logged in as: Guest
  Printable Version
All Forums >> [Gaming Community] >> [Legends and Lore] >> Writers of Lore >> Works Discussion >> AE Fanfiction Discussion >> (DF) Varen-Everyone has a dark side
Page 1 of 41234>
Forum Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
10/25/2011 5:11:59   
Varen6398
Friendly!, Constructive!
Creative!


Varen-Everyone as a Dark Side

I have tried many times before to make a story. None of them drew any fruit, but I still wanted to write. Then I realised that I needed a secondary storyline, another story to play out at the same time as my story. Dragonfable is my secondary story. I have tried linking the characters together in such a way, that all the parts of the game when you are with a crowd of people, my character is there. What I am trying to find out, is if it is any good or not. I have only written a few chapters so far, but I plan on updating it as much as I can. Feedback would be great!

Edited List
-Edited what I have done so far. Now it has paragraphs.
-Edited Chapter 1. Changed some mistakes that I would have missed, if I hadn't re-read it. Now Varen is always spelt with an E. Added some tiny descriptions. Going to carry on editing for a bit.
-Edited Chapter 2. Added some more descriptions in some places.
-Edited the Narrator's speech into past tense (during war).
-Edited Chapter 3. Klaatu now has two 'A's in his name. Added little bits of description.
-Edited first part of Chapter 4 (Up until the Hospital). Added various descriptions, where there was lacking descriptions.
-Added Chapter 5
-Added more to Chapter 5
-Added little bits of description about Varen around the story.
-Massive update on Chapter 1
-More added onto the updated Chapter 1
-Added 3 more paragraphs to updated Chapter 1
-Chapter 1 has been fully updated! A critique of it is now needed...

< Message edited by Varen6398 -- 1/10/2012 14:45:18 >
DF  Post #: 1
10/25/2011 11:00:50   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

First thing first: Formatting. Double spacing after paragraph break is more or less the industrial practice. I've said this multiple times to different people - it helps makes your story more readable, more professional-looking and that much-needed sense of neatness.

A general comment is that the general quality of your writing is quite acceptable. You have a developing flair for describing objects and people - make sure to nurture it well. As it stands, your writing still lacks refinement. The prose is too purple in some place yet too beige in others, you have a tendency to repeat words or phrases as well as expositing more than you need to, and most of all, the characters' dialogues don't have a natural feel to them, instead reading like a game's script.

Since you've written a lot, I doubt this one comment could cover them all. If you need further help on any specific part, feel free to give me a call. I'd do what I can to help you with it.

Oh, and finally, as a closing comment:

quote:

Some of his rich friends hired kids who wanted to be knights to help put on their armour. They said it was to help them learn how to equip themselves. What they actually meant was ‘you’re cheap labour and I can’t be bothered putting my armour on! Help me!’


First off, there is a word for a "kid who wanted to be knights" - a page. Secondly, historically, knights pretty much required people to help them put their armor on, not because they are haughty and lazy, but because a suit of Swadian full plate armor is heavy, multi-segmented and takes forever to put on properly. Research is your friend

Good luck, and battle on!
DF  Post #: 2
10/25/2011 13:02:52   
Varen6398
Friendly!, Constructive!
Creative!


Thanks Argeus! (I've been waiting for a comment all day). I'll change some of it. Can you tell me some of the points where I repeat descriptions? (I'm going to check through it, but any help is...helpful)


< Message edited by Varen6398 -- 10/26/2011 7:00:51 >
DF  Post #: 3
10/25/2011 13:52:11   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


Yes, much better.

I take it you're writing from the present as you included walls and gates, correct?

Now, the story is nice to read and I only found a few flaws now and then.

quote:

When fighting, people are usually not fighting to the death with vicious weapons. However in war, fighting is different. Often, a great amount of deaths are from people being shot at by their own allies. So when the warriors run in, the archers and mages must be very careful about where they aim. One misfire could mean one ally killed. That is why the charge of the warriors is so dreaded. Not because they deal massive damage, but because it is very easy to hit your own forces.


Now I am not sure of whether it would be better to put this in past tense, seeing this seems to be Varen's thoughts on the matter on the other hand if it's meant to be the thoughts of the omniscient narrator it would be best to put in past tense.

Is Drake, the Drake? Former clanleader of the Beacons of Hope?

And Klaatu never perished till he met a certain "noob", but if it was meant to give your own twist to the story by all means go ahead.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 4
10/26/2011 3:36:22   
Varen6398
Friendly!, Constructive!
Creative!


@DD: Ah! You just fell for the trick. At no point did I say that Klatu was killed (Sorry I took the spelling from the original DF war). And I didn't realise that I am talking about a forumite when I used the name Drake. It just came naturally, because The Dragon's original name is Draco. The only name that sounds like it is Drake. In my story I mention that the walls are wood, as well as the gates. It is meant to be like a very simple defense, rather than having the town with no defense at all (Like it originally was). In my story, everything that has happened in game, affects the story (Yes the town will get destroyed by Xan and The Avatars). And finally, it is meant to be from the omniscient narrators point of view. Now, it is time to go Back To The Editing!

< Message edited by Varen6398 -- 11/23/2011 16:09:49 >
DF  Post #: 5
10/28/2011 4:55:26   
Varen6398
Friendly!, Constructive!
Creative!


I have just added the beginnings of Chapter 5. I will update the story every Friday.
DF  Post #: 6
11/17/2011 2:17:12   
Glais
Member

Took me a while but I finally got started on it.
Not bad though I found the beginning kinda dull but detailed.
The only thing I don't get is "Drake, the player." Which makes it seem this Drake is apparently so well known that anyone who reads it will immediately be "AH, THAT Drake."
So....who's Drake? o_O
DF MQ  Post #: 7
11/18/2011 9:19:06   
Varen6398
Friendly!, Constructive!
Creative!


Drake is the player. As in, you when you play the game. He is you, and you are him. I just came up with a generic name for him.
DF  Post #: 8
11/20/2011 14:50:46   
Mortarion
Member

I am by chapter 2, I am liking it a lot so far, hehe VAren seems a lot like me
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 9
11/20/2011 15:13:05   
Varen6398
Friendly!, Constructive!
Creative!


Varen is an arrogant and proud man. I doubt he is like you.
DF  Post #: 10
11/20/2011 15:15:29   
Mortarion
Member

Well I am proud, not arrogant, but proud, and quick to get angry
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 11
11/20/2011 15:19:14   
Varen6398
Friendly!, Constructive!
Creative!


Well I am not sure if that's a good thing. Could you spot any mistakes or things wrong?
DF  Post #: 12
11/20/2011 15:23:09   
Mortarion
Member

nopeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 13
11/20/2011 15:27:31   
Varen6398
Friendly!, Constructive!
Creative!


Well that is good.
DF  Post #: 14
11/20/2011 16:36:29   
Mortarion
Member

Well I finished reading it all, perpahs you should ask an AK to erase eragon's post, or ask it to Eragon himself
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 15
11/21/2011 11:22:08   
Varen6398
Friendly!, Constructive!
Creative!


Yeah, I will ask an AK. The next chapter might be updated today...
DF  Post #: 16
11/21/2011 14:36:57   
Varen6398
Friendly!, Constructive!
Creative!


Work is rapidly increasing on the next chapter. And I thought I might just post a small note on Varen's character. Reading through it now, it seems a little strange. I will try and clear it up with a small paragraph on him.

Varen
A man of great potential. He has spent most of his life in Falconreach, learning to fight with a sword and ignoring what his elders have told him about magic. He is proud and arrogant, leading people to think he isn't that nice. But if you ignore these traits, you realise he is a fairly trustworthy person, who is willing to help innocent and weak people whenever he can.
DF  Post #: 17
11/21/2011 15:22:46   
Mortarion
Member

Work *shows whip*
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 18
11/21/2011 16:11:33   
Varen6398
Friendly!, Constructive!
Creative!


I feel like Cruor working for Malorum...

< Message edited by Varen6398 -- 11/22/2011 15:49:52 >
DF  Post #: 19
11/22/2011 15:54:22   
Mortarion
Member

Intresting last chapter
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 20
11/22/2011 15:55:51   
Varen6398
Friendly!, Constructive!
Creative!


I'm annoyed because I still haven't finished Chapter 5. Hopefully it will be done by the end of this week. If not, I blame school.
DF  Post #: 21
11/22/2011 15:58:31   
Mortarion
Member

*shows giant nail and giant ammer* You better finish, or I don't take responsibilities for my actions
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 22
11/22/2011 16:00:54   
Varen6398
Friendly!, Constructive!
Creative!


I will certainly finish this story. But how long finishing it will take is another matter...

So any questions about the story so far?
DF  Post #: 23
11/22/2011 16:02:10   
Mortarion
Member

Why was Varen on fire?
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 24
11/22/2011 16:04:43   
Varen6398
Friendly!, Constructive!
Creative!


People obviously spontaneously combust.

< Message edited by Varen6398 -- 11/22/2011 16:06:17 >
DF  Post #: 25
Page:   [1] 2 3 4   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Gaming Community] >> [Legends and Lore] >> Writers of Lore >> Works Discussion >> AE Fanfiction Discussion >> (DF) Varen-Everyone has a dark side
Page 1 of 41234>
Jump to:






Icon Legend
New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Forum Content Copyright © 2018 Artix Entertainment, LLC.

"AdventureQuest", "DragonFable", "MechQuest", "EpicDuel", "BattleOn.com", "AdventureQuest Worlds", "Artix Entertainment"
and all game character names are either trademarks or registered trademarks of Artix Entertainment, LLC. All rights are reserved.
PRIVACY POLICY


Forum Software © ASPPlayground.NET Advanced Edition