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[Critique Requested] My Sister Loves Me

 
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12/11/2011 22:12:09   
Aishiko
Member

Hi everyone,

Thanks for taking the time to read my story. It's my first time here, and I'm not really sure how things work, but please critique my writing honestly. I'm not a very good writer, but I am seeking to improve this skill.

This is my first go at a short story. It is almost 2000 words, so it's really short. My English Teacher told me that the ending wasn't very good, and I don't really know what areas to improve at.

Anyways, here is my story: http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=19882361

By the way, this is a true story!

< Message edited by Msyu -- 12/11/2011 22:46:27 >
Post #: 1
12/25/2011 20:41:08   
Helixi
Member

Your critique as promised Msyu.




So you know the format of my critiques:

Title of chapter/post

quote:

Quote from the story/poem here. Mistakes will be in bold and numbered.

List of criticisms underneath.
1. Crit here.
2. Crit here.
etc.




quote:

It was a perfectly ordinary evening 1. ; playing the guinea pig for a nurse-in-training. I had promised to help her with practising her 2. nursing skills, specifically intravenous therapy. She came over with a bag full of nursing supplies.

“Are you sure you want to go through with this?” 3. she said with an awkward smile.

“Of course! I’m perfectly fine with it,” I said. There was really nothing to be afraid of. 4. Heck, it’s only a measly IV, and I’ve had many before in the hospital. She sat down and started organizing the contents of the bag. The alcohol pads, the tourniquet, the syringes, the needles, and 5.a box of tissues...? Well, whatever. I positioned my left hand on the table.

“So I’m going to need to apply the tourniquet slightly below the elbow area. Squeeze your hand into a fist, and tell me if the strap is on too tight,” she said as she wrapped the rubber strap around my arm and 6. does a quick but complicated knot.

“Nurses have to tie the strap in a special way,” she said. With a quick stroke of her thumb, the knot came undone in an instant.

“Oh, I see,” I said. “That’ll come in handy in case anything goes wrong.”

“Yep, just in case,” she laughed unnaturally.

“When I got my flu shot, the nurse tied it much higher on my arm, closer to the bicep area. "Why do you have to tie it below my elbow?"

“Well, I’m going to jab the area near the wrist. That’s where most IVs go.”

“Oh. Well, good luck!” I said. She tied the tourniquet around my arm once again. I couldn’t feel the pull of elasticity against my skin. “It’s way too loose!”

“Whoops, my bad. Okay, I’ll redo it.” She redid the knot with her nimble fingers. That was way too fast for my tired eyes to follow…

“Okay now, it so tight it hurts a lot,” I could feel the burn of rubber stretching the hairs off their roots beneath my skin.

“Oh, okay. Umm, that’s… not so good,” She redid it the fourth time and this time, it wasn’t much better than before, but I politely ignored it. She began to unpack the syringes from their plastic packaging. Usually, when I get flu shots or IVs in the hospital, I don’t look. 7. Anybody who looks at the needle while it slowly penetrates the thin layer of skin is just putting unneeded and excess anxiety on themselves.

“Are you almost ready?” I said after a minute or two. I could feel the strap tightening around my arm, reddening due to the lack of blood flow. The pain was getting more and more uncomfortable.

1. This semi-colon should be a comma or, if you wanted to keep the semi-colon, make the second half 'I was playing guinea pig for the nurse-in-training'.
2. We know what she does, so 'skills' by itself would be fine.
3. 'She'.
4. If these are thoughts, it's standard practise to italicise them.
5. The question mark is in the wrong entirely. If you wanted to express surprise at there being tissues, you could possibly think it. For example, 'I noticed a box of tissues. Strange...'
6. 'did'.
7. This reads more like an advice leaflet than a sentence from a narrative.


quote:

“Okay...” The situation was tense. I bet she doesn’t know what she’s doing… But that’s probably why she’s practicing by poking needles into me…right?

“It’s going in now,” she warned, as she positioned the needle millimetres away from my wrist.

“Go for it,” I braced, expecting some sort of sharp pain in my wrist. I cringed for a few more moments, but I felt no pain.

“Ah, Dammit. I can’t position the needle precisely. Give me a moment,” She readjusted her posture on the chair. I looked at the needle, which was hovering dangerously above my wrist. She was shaking subtly. I couldn’t find the words to help her, so I simply stayed still. Suddenly, the needle poked me out of the blue, and the pain made my entire body tense. But it was only momentary, as I felt the thin blade of metal glide out of the fresh wound.

“What, what’s wrong?” I inquired.

“I missed.” she said as she looked into my eyes, 1. almost in a pleading gesture. I thought this was gonna be a breeze…

“Oh, that’s okay. I don’t mind if you try again.”

“Okay...” she said. She stabbed me again, while I was watching. 2. That totally missed…

“I can’t get it!” 3. she whined.

“Are you shaking? Are you too nervous?” I said. Comforting others isn’t my forte.

“Yeah, this is a little hard.” She said. We exchanged nervous glances.

“Well, I’m sure you can do it, you’re smart…” I was attempting to reassure her by any means.

“Okay! I’m trying again.” she said. I felt the needle go in... and out again.

“Just ignore me. I’m an ordinary patient in an ordinary hospital, waiting for an ordinary procedure and an ordinary injection.” I said. “Try as many times as you need to,” She didn’t hesitate to continue to poke me… maybe around 4. 10 times. Trust me, it’s not just slightly awkward getting poked so many times.

1. A gesture is not done with the eyes. It's a 'pleading look'.
2. This, again, looks like thought.
3. 'She'.
4. Numerals in writing! ARGH!


quote:

“Umm, there’s too many holes in your left wrist now, and the strap has been tied around your arm for too long,” she said. I could feel the pain of poor blood circulation from the over tightened strap that I ignored earlier. I saw the little dots of blood forming above the tiny punctured lacerations on my left hand…

“Well, can I do anything to help you out?” I asked.

“It must be uncomfortable for your left hand… Give me your right hand 1. instead!,” she said with bright enthusiasm, as if my left hand was the cause of her poor performance so far. I repositioned my chair so that my right arm was on the table. She quickly tied the strap on this time, too tight again.

“The vein on the left wrist is too small, and I keep missing. So I’m going to use your right hand,” she explained.

“Okay...good luck...” I said.

“Wow, there’s a big vein here. Your right hand is a lot better.” She said, pointing the engorged area to me.

“Wow, that’s definitely a great place to poke,” I said jokingly.

She poked me. It didn’t feel like a joke…

She poked me, again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

“Are you missing?” I asked. I looked at the needle, covered with my own blood.

“Yea, sorry!” she apologized nervously. I could see her unsteady hand coming in to poke me again.

It missed.

She tried again. It missed again, puncturing my skin in an 2. unimportant elsewhere.

“What’s wrong?” I asked her. I looked at her distressed face. Something wasn’t right. My sense of security began to deteriorate.

“I’m trying not to poke it into the bone, because that’s really bad,” she said, looking away when I glanced at her direction.

“Oh,” I said with a calm tone. To be honest, I was mentally restless.

1. Comma is not necessary and 'she' should be capitalised.
2. 'An unimportant place elsewhere'.


quote:

“That’s right, right?” she asked.

“What?” I laughed. I was internally questioning her nervousness. Why would she ask me whether or not she was doing the procedure right?

“It’s also really bad if I poke the needle into your skin too deep, because then you’ll bleed internally and die,” she said.

“Oh, wonderful,” I said. 1. I might actually die from this tonight…

“Okay, I’m going to try again, and if this doesn’t work, we’re going to stop here,” she said.

Just do it again, and do it right this time. The multiple pokes were really pushing my anxiety to the limit. Along with her wavering resolve and unsteady grip, it really wasn’t helping me hold onto the brink of sanity.

She stabbed me, yet again.

“It worked!”

I looked. Blood was flowing out rapidly, and it wasn’t into the syringe. It was flowing down, wrapping itself along the breadth of my arm. My blood dripped onto the hardwood floor.
“Oh. Wonderful! You finally got it!” I exclaimed. “Is the blood supposed to flow out of the syringe?” It was a rhetorical question of course. Anybody would know she was doing it wrong. I looked up and she was in distress. Sweat was dripping down her brow.

“Oh my gosh, get some tissues.”

“Umm, okay,” I said and I leaned over to get the tissues with my left hand. The needle that was still in my wrist went sideways and blood spurted out to the right. I instinctively panned the blood so that it wouldn’t dirty the floor.

“Ah! Umm… I think I did something wrong,” she said. She took the needle out and my blood started forming a large pool of red on my wrist. She took a cotton ball and applied pressure onto the punctured vein.

“You forgot to release the rubber strap!” I said. I could see my own blood flowing through the cotton ball.

Everything started to fade to black. I tried to fight against it, but my consciousness was slowly fading away.

“I think I’m fainting,” I said. I slumped in my chair.

“Oh... what?!” she said, but I could barely hear her through my weakening senses.

“I can’t move,” I said, barely audible. The last thing I saw was her arms around me, supporting me so I wouldn’t fall onto the ground.

Because of my sister, I’m a hemophobic now. This irrational fear is part of my shameful identity, which I’ll never be able to discard, ever.

2. Siblings are great aren’t they?

1. This looks like it should be thought.
2. There should be a comma between 'great' and 'aren't'.





Overview.
I can tell you aren't going to extend this beyond a short story, but it needs improving. It's your experience, so obviously it's not a story to you, but it is to us. We need more than a conversation and a revelation that you're haemophobic at the end of it.

Spelling. Good, as far as I can tell.
Grammar/Punctuation. Good, from what I can tell. There's the few mistakes I picked out, but they're easily fixable. However, you do use too many ellipses for my liking.
Description. More please. There's little in there beyond a few sparse scatterings of description. I also think you should expand your sentence structures and such because this whole thing is very 'detached' at the moment. Nothing raises my pulse. We don't know what you or your sister sound like or look like (obviously, if you're worried about putting that in, change the description.) or what the room looks like, or how you felt when you got stabbed repeatedly. I understand this is sensitive for you, but we as readers need more to empathise with you. Don't change the last two lines; in my opinion they're easily the most powerful in the piece.
Plot Development. Non Applicable here.
Character Development. Again, Non Applicable because of the nature of the story.


< Message edited by Helixi -- 12/25/2011 20:42:16 >
AQ DF  Post #: 2
12/26/2011 1:16:07   
Aishiko
Member

Thanks for the critique Helixi! I am very thankful and honored that you decided to offer your expertise.

I corrected all the grammatical mistakes that you pointed out, along with other similar cases,

  • "she said" with "She said"
  • italicized some thoughts
  • About the ellipses, I originally used them to show hesitation of sorts, anxiousness. I think my real reason for using them is that I'm not really sure... =P Did I just use it again?

    Here are my edits. I bolded all the text that I added.

    Number One

    quote:

    a box of tissues...?

    Correction,
    quote:

    The alcohol pads, the tourniquet, the syringes, the needles, along with a box of tissues. How strange that a box of tissues might be needed. Well, whatever. I discarded the thought and positioned my left hand on the table.

    Number Two

    quote:

    I thought this was gonna be a breeze…

    Correction,
    quote:

    She said as she looked into my eyes with a pleading look. Oh Jeez, I thought this was gonna be a breeze, but it seems like it is going to be far more complicated here on out. Spare me!

    I also noticed I used a lot of "Okay..." and "Oh..." and "in... and out". Eek. I do have a lot of ellipses. Hmm, I guess I'm trying to prolong the uneasy feeling... perhaps I should describe it some.

    Number Three

    quote:

    “Okay...” The situation was tense. I bet she doesn’t know what she’s doing… But that’s probably why she’s practicing by poking needles into me…right?

    Correction,
    quote:

    “Okay,” I replied uneasily. I could not remain relaxed, my muscles began to tense up. I bet she doesn’t know what she’s doing, but that’s probably why she’s practicing by poking needles into me. Still, I didn't think it'd be this troublesome!

    Now that I think about it, I use ellipses a lot in an attempt to emphasize the awkward, uneasy situation, and also my own awkwardness and hesitation. If I don't use ellipses, I think it makes me sound like I'm confident about what I'm thinking, believing, or saying when I read it myself... Ahh I don't know! <_<

    Number Four

    quote:

    “Okay...” She said. She stabbed me again, while I was watching. That totally missed…

    Correction,
    quote:

    “Okay,” She said. She paused for a moment, as if to reaffirm her resolution. And then, suddenly and without hesitation, she stabbed me again, too quickly to give me enough time to avert my eyes from the needle. Oh geez, it missed again.


    Number Five

    quote:

    “Okay! I’m trying again.” She said. I felt the needle go in... and out again.

    Correction,
    quote:

    “Okay! I’m trying again.” She announced. I felt the needle pierce my skin. It wiggled around a bit tenaciously, and then came right out again, intensifying the pain for a quick moment.


    Number Six

    quote:

    “Okay...good luck...” I said.

    Correction,
    quote:

    “Okay. Good luck!” I said.

    But I didn't actually say that so umm... reassuringly or with that charitable of a tone. I was kinda like, "Ooo... Kaaaaaaaaaaay *pupils shift towards the top left corner* ... Good luck......? *pupils shift towards the bottom right corner*" during the whole thing, while pronouncing all the o's and the a's. <_<

    About the description, I think that is it minimal at best... And you're absolutely correct, it's not very gripping or empathic. I heard that getting the reader to know more "personal things" about the characters gets points there. For example, in Grey's Anatomy, while the doctor's are doing surgery, they say something completely random like, "My first baby died," while doing surgery... just to get viewers to feel a little bit sorry for them. I don't know how to incorporate that into my story very well... Perhaps I will rewrite the story and post it here again, if that is allowed.

    About how I felt, I didn't put so much into that because I felt like it would've been repetitive, I was only a little uneasy at first, but then, my feelings got more and more conscious of dangers, such as my life. <_< But it is not enough so I will put more in and see how it does. :D

    It is a sensitive topic for me, but it's also funny and memorable. After I fainted, I scarcely getting dragged onto the couch and being unable to move a muscle for a good twenty minutes... should I think about adding that in? After that, I felt fine, although still quite tense, and I went to bed and my sister kept checking up on me during the night because she was scared that she might have traumatized me more than I gave her credit for. What do you think?
  • Post #: 3
    12/26/2011 13:36:23   
    Helixi
    Member

    You can edit your story as much as you want; you could probably also post revisions on the original thread. It's your thread after all.

    I also don't think you should add any more to the end of the story; it's very powerful as it is. I think an extended ending would detract from that.
    AQ DF  Post #: 4
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