Shajidh, a Pirates tale! Discussion


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Shajidh, a Pirates tale! Discussion

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4/2/2012 22:18:14

Shajidh
Banned

This is the discussion thread for my story, Shajidh, Pirate of Lore! please give me a few things when responding, preferably from this list.]

T' story!

1: Constructive Criticism
2: Feedback
3: What you think currently about the given situations, hijinks, problems Shajidh and his crew currently face
4: Suggestions (colliding with CC)
5: Thoughts and serious discussion

That would be helpful, if you could follow that rubric, but feel free to post in whichever way you want, I'm not forcing you.
Universal rules apply.

Any discussion, or posts at all will help! :P
-----------------------------------------------------------

spoiler:

Currently, I think that Shajidh will find himself with nothing but danger and false pretenses on his way to this island. Hopefully he makes his way there, and gets his swords!

~ Shaj

< Message edited by Shajidh -- 4/2/2012 23:07:45 >

_____________________________

My AQWorlds Characters:
http://www.aq.com/aw-character.asp?id=Shajidh
http://www.aq.com/aw-character.asp?id=Sir%20David555
http://www.aq.com/aw-character.asp?id=Tornadowoman

AQW

Epic

Post #: 1

4/3/2012 1:19:21

Glais
Member

Alright, caught up. The first thing I noticed is a more of a personal thing that doesn't really affect the story. I'm just not used to everything being in italics and bold. Kinda limits you when you want to emphasize a word with...italics or bold. That aside, there seem to be odd sentence

breaks like this. Where you'll be typing and suddenly one word will end,

you'll double space and then finish the sentence. Seems to be happening every 1-2 lines.

That aside, plot seems relatively sound, a pirate fighting Chaos. I do wonder how he hadn't heard of Lolosia though, that's like a Pirate safehaven.

Also, I noticed one peculiar bit...

quote:

"Oh Book of Lore, describe to I t' Kraken, the unholy underworld spawn of t' sea. inquired Shajidh, and the book responded.

"Kraken, a monster of Lore's seas, guardians of sunken treasure and ancient lands. Effect killing methods would be to gauge the eyes of the beas-" Shajidh slammed the book closed.

"I know how t' kill a Kraken, you scallywag talking paperweight!" He exclaimed, and threw the book back on to a desk in which it laid once more

Why did he ask about the Kraken, and then berate the Book for answering?

Post #: 2

4/3/2012 8:28:05

Shajidh
Banned

Yeah, I used Italics to represent the narration, and the latter of actual characters speaking in bold, to break up the story, as when I looked at it all beforehand, it was hard to differentiate.

I'm still fixing it, I was taking Mordred's advice and just broke up the text as an example, forgot to fix it. And should I fix it leaving it spaced out, or as one paragraph each?

He has heard of Lolosia, but he hates anything to do with other pirates, really, I will explain it in flashback chapters, but as of now he is on Neutral terms with Solrac.

He hates advice and help, generally why the book was dusty in the first place, and when it began to explain the parts he already knew, he got frustrated and tossed the book away, he has an issue with keeping his anger bottled up. :P

< Message edited by Shajidh -- 4/3/2012 8:32:47 >

AQW

Epic

Post #: 3

4/3/2012 16:08:48

Glais
Member

Maybe you could add the line "I already know THAT..." or something.

Anyhow, from what I know, it's what each person says that gets a paragraph, not every line.

Post #: 4

4/3/2012 20:59:20

Shajidh
Banned

@Above

Yeah it seems pretty stable now, so I'll keep writing it like it is currently.
And I like him yelling at the book more, xP. He has anger isses towards ignorance, more or less.

And also, (Spoiler)

spoiler:

And to those Tweeting me about Shaov's death being unrealistic due to having Mechanical pieces allover his body, he had an open gut, and it was plating, not actual parts, so he was iffy from the beginning.

< Message edited by Shajidh -- 4/3/2012 21:40:19 >

AQW

Epic

Post #: 5

4/5/2012 19:59:25

Glais
Member

quote:

"No, no please! Leave them! No! Exclaimed the woman, as the pirates ransacked her home, as her children watched in fear as a pirate menacingly aproached, their father had been brutally murdered trying to defend them. When a sword impales through the pirates chest, by a town guard, the children safe, as the guard has his hand chopped off by another pirate, this is a brutal scene for young Shajidh, and his brother Jau. They flee the home to hear the screams of their mother, and the guard being murdered.

Seem to be some grammatical mistakes here. All I know is it reads kinda awkwardly.

Anyhow, so Shajidh is now heading to completely random places in search of a weapon. Odd, but ok. When does this take place in relation to AQW? As in has the Natatorium events occurred already?

Post #: 6

4/7/2012 13:29:01

Shajidh
Banned

@Above

Yes, it's to todays date in AQW, all will be explained, I'll fix the mistakes too, thanks for pointing them out.

AQW

Epic

Post #: 7

4/7/2012 14:56:47

Glais
Member

Oh ok. So if it's always up to date, or at least up to date with present time, couldn't this potentially cause problems?

Ex. Since it must be up to date, aqw changes something in its story thus changing details in yours.

Post #: 8

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