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4/29/2012 16:38:15   
  San Robin
Modzerella


This is the discussion thread for This story.
if you read it, please give me feedback ( compliments are welcome too ;) )

< Message edited by San Robin -- 7/1/2013 7:16:09 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 1
4/29/2012 16:42:54   
Glais
Member

DragonFuser? Sounds odd.

Anyhow, protagonist has an odd anomaly, and something is watching him. Of course, he has a special power (what protagonist doesn't? That's why they're special!). Only thing I find odd at all is the formatting. As of now the story is clear but as it gets longer adding a space between paragraphs might help for clarity.

Anyhow, will follow this best I can, good luck writing!
DF MQ  Post #: 2
4/29/2012 16:43:50   
Mritha
Legendary AdventureGuide!


There is no cheese in this story! *is in shock* D:

quote:

Foolish boy, you don’t even realise what power you have! and you’ll never get the chance to realise it!
With a last glimpse at Nasbor the eyes disappeared...

Mysterious...

EDIT for chapter two:
quote:

“Greetings” He said, the old lady stopped and looked at him

he
quote:

“Ah, it’s you Nasbor, how are you doing? being a bit nervous for your birthday yet?”

Being
quote:

and just when he wanted to walk away, the old lady grabbed his hand, “it may look like I’m senile,

And, It

< Message edited by Mritha -- 4/29/2012 18:14:39 >
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 3
4/29/2012 18:20:26   
  San Robin
Modzerella


@Glaisaurus, thank you for the advice, I'll keep that in mind :)

@Mritha, I'll find a way to put cheese in it, but it won't have a main role :P
Thank you for the corrections :)

< Message edited by San Robin -- 4/29/2012 18:32:20 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 4
5/16/2012 17:06:08   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


quote:

I rushed to the village as fast as I could, which was quite fast because of the gryphin, to find a new mother and father with a newborn baby in their arms, they were in tears not because of joy but because of fear, the baby was born with strange eyes...


I know of the following ways to spell it; Gryphon, griffin.


Esmeralda, isn't that Wildroses' character (or just a coincidence)?

Anyway, I'm not quite sure what to think of this story yet. It could honestly go both ways. For one, Esmeralda blurted out why she came to his home village, but neglected to mention what happened to him, his parents and siblings. Perhaps a mention of them is in order, where she tells him what happened. I'd also advice you to tell how she feels when she tells him. (In the scenario where he lost his family I'd say it'd be fairly cold to neglect to mourn, especially since Nasbor seems to be the more emotional type.)
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 5
8/18/2012 18:25:04   
  San Robin
Modzerella


haha back from the writersblock :p
Chapter 5 is out now.
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 6
8/18/2012 18:54:46   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


quote:

Tears started to well up and roll across his cheek

cheeks

quote:

You have to learn to use your powers<>

Punctuation.

quote:

Nasbor shook his head, I wish I could just die!.

Double punctuation.

quote:

Esmeralda didn’t care for yelling much so she only held up her hand to mane Nasbor to silence.

urge

quote:

“Like the name says, a Dragonfuser is a human who can fuse with dragons and use their powers that way<>

Punctuation.

quote:

did you never learn that it’s the inner part that counts?

Did

quote:

Esmeralda, Are you sure this is the boy of destiny?

are

quote:

No, The grenwogg hare did...

the, grenwog

quote:

I teleported you here<> didn’t I?

,

quote:

and you never know if that monster is still lurking <>...

about


Let me guess, Esmeralda died before she could lift the spell?
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 7
8/18/2012 19:03:54   
  San Robin
Modzerella


Fixed, Thanks Dwelling! :)

And I don't really know what to do with Esmeralda yet.
I have some ideas, but you will have to wait for the rest of the story to find out what happens to her :)
She's still alive anyway.
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 8
8/18/2012 20:07:17   
Mortarion
Member

I should read this, by the way, do you speak spanish
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 9
8/21/2012 15:57:31   
Mritha
Legendary AdventureGuide!


quote:

“Nasbor, It is you who is destined to become the hero of prophecy”

it, period
quote:

“Avenge us” They said,”Train your powers and kill the monster that did this to us”

comma, space, period/exclamation point
quote:

“Are you okay boy? You sounded like you had a bad dream.”

comma
quote:

With a newfound energy Nasbor straightened up, looked Esmeralda in the face and said “I’m okay”

period
quote:

He nodded at Esmeralda “Please teach me the things I need to know!”

period

Also in the second paragraph of chapter 5, all of Nasbor's dialog is missing quotation marks, it was rather confusing to read.
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 10
8/27/2012 17:11:05   
  San Robin
Modzerella


Fixed, thanks Mritha :)

@Mortarion, Nope I don't speak a word of Spanish :P
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 11
8/27/2012 17:48:31   
Mortarion
Member

Ahhh, because 'Esmeralda' is a Spanish word
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 12
8/27/2012 21:04:43   
Glais
Member

And up one more chapter, not caught up yet but close.
The monster in chapter 3 seemed to kind of lack a description, gonna explain what it was sometime soon?
DF MQ  Post #: 13
6/30/2013 18:27:33   
  San Robin
Modzerella


*blows dust of story*
Well... It's been a while since I worked on this :D
Anyway! Chapter 7 is out now! Be sure to read it if you want :)
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 14
7/1/2013 6:39:24   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


First things first. When I click the link in this thread you provided all the "?" are highlighted for me.

Now then ....

*Cracks knuckles.*


quote:

Nasbor could hardly wait!

Why are you making use of an exclamation mark here?

quote:

Esmeralda noticed the glint in Nasbor’s eyes and worried a bit, even though revenge is a great motivation it was also the most dangerous one, the young boy’s eagerness to avenge his family could easily turn into darkness.... when that happens... She rather wouldn’t think about it...

was, would happen

quote:

“Oh I am going to, but you didn’t expect it to be easy? did you now?”

Did

quote:

Esmeralda frowned<> “So many questions, I expect you to sit still because if you don’t you will never learn to truly focus! and even when you close your eyes, your other senses will take over.”

,, And

quote:

Nasbor was even more confused now<> “My other senses? You mean my hearing and smell? What do you expect me to do? put my ear against a tree? sniff some gorillaphant dung?”

,, Put, Sniff

Nasbor comes off as an ungrateful brat.

quote:

Esmeralda shook her head<> “Just sit down and do as I tell you to, try to hear the animals move and try to smell where they are. I will tell you when the hour is over and then we’ll look if you were right”

,

quote:

last week Esmeralda prolonged the meditation from one to three hours, Nasbor could now exactly tell where an animal had been and where it went after an hour of meditating.

Since (the) last

quote:

Nasbor however was getting impatient, he had been traveling with the old lady for weeks now and nothing <> changed for him except for that he could locate an animal with his eyes closed!

was getting impatient however, had

quote:

“Oh really now?” Esmeralda grinned<>then tell me where the closest deer is?”

,, Then

quote:

“Is that all?” Nasbor asked with a smile<> “There is a deer about 100 meters* to the north, it’s drinking by the waterfall!”

,

quote:

“Very good” Esmeralda said<> “What a pleasant surprise, you are a quick learner!”

,

quote:

she looked at a tree, closed her eyes and put her hand in front of her.

She

quote:

“Dravir!” Esmeralda said<> “A whole group of them!”

,

quote:

“Dravir?” Nasbor asked<> “How do you know that? I didn’t hear them coming in my meditation<>

,, .

quote:

“Because you can hear about 200 meters around you <> this army is about a kilometer away from us”

while/and

How much dravir are we roughly talking about here?
quote:

Nasbor’s jaw dropped<> “How?”

,

quote:

“I’ll tell you once we’re save! There’s a hidden cave not far from here!”

safe
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 15
7/1/2013 7:23:25   
  San Robin
Modzerella


Thanks for the fixes Dwelling :D
Fixed them now :)
quote:

Nasbor comes off as an ungrateful brat.

Good! That's what I wanted for him a bit in this chapter, him being so focused on revenge that he forgets all his manners and losing his temper quickly.

quote:

How much dravir are we roughly talking about here?

I thought I put that in there /facepalm XD
I changed it now from "A whole group of them" to "about 100 of them".

Thanks again for the fixes :)
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 16
7/23/2013 19:27:58   
  San Robin
Modzerella


Chapter 8 is also up! (I forgot to post about that D:)
and the most recent addition Chapter 9 is up :D
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 17
7/24/2013 4:55:00   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


quote:

You see, once someone is in deep meditation that person will be able to notice other creature’s soul!

I seem to recall that by meditating a mage can touch the world's network of leylines.

quote:

He didn’t know so he tried to think what a dragon looks like, the stories always spoke of huge lizard like creatures who breathed fire, creatures with large fangs and claws and malicious behaviour, but he didn’t think Sola once looked like that, Sola’s behavior was gentle and friendly nothing like the dragons the stories described.

There are no stories about good dragons despite the existence of the Dragonlord Order to match the hatred of the Dragonslayer Order?

quote:

now I shall lend you some of my power for you to prove Esmeralda that you achieved mindsharing with me!”

Now

quote:

Nasbor felt a alien power rush through his body and to his head,

an

quote:

“Is that so?” Asked Esmeralda, “Then please close your eyes as I hide something in the cave.”

So how exactly is Esmeralda able to see in the cave? She cannot have dragonsight as she told Nasbor he was the only one able to fuse with a dragon.

quote:

They somehow found us!

Dragon sight?

quote:

Nasbor looked around, at the end of the cave he saw a small gap, big enough for him and Esmeralda to crawl through but creatures as big as the Dravir could never crawl through it!

Dravir seem quite lean to me, they are not as bulky as the Draconians from AdventureQuestWorlds.

quote:

“I know these caves... They’re the home of an old “friend” of mine... But for now, rest, both of you!”

I thought Sola hadn't hatched yet?
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 18
7/24/2013 13:26:27   
  San Robin
Modzerella


quote:

I seem to recall that by meditating a mage can touch the world's network of leylines.

Lol I didn't know that XD this uhm... *scratches head* is a fuser, it works differently :D ( good find :p )

quote:

There are no stories about good dragons despite the existence of the Dragonlord Order to match the hatred of the Dragonslayer Order?

For this there actually is a reason, Nasbor lived in a very small and far off village, the stories about dragons that were told to the kids were all made up so that the kids wouldn't think about going into the woods.
and as Nasbor had to leave his village just before he was considered a full grown man he never got to hear other stories.

quote:

So how exactly is Esmeralda able to see in the cave? She cannot have dragonsight as she told Nasbor he was the only one able to fuse with a dragon.

She used a Torch I didn't put that in the story but she did. so in short: the magic of torches ;p

quote:

Dragon sight?

No they would've been spotted way earlier if the Dravir had that, I will explain why they were found in the next chapter :)

quote:

Dravir seem quite lean to me, they are not as bulky as the Draconians from AdventureQuestWorlds.

They're bigger than an old lady and a not yet fully grown boy, not to mention the weapons and armor they carry.

quote:

I thought Sola hadn't hatched yet?

I never said Sola was an egg ;) It will be explained when the story progresses.

Thanks once more for finding the mistakes :)
but I hope you enjoyed this chapter :D

< Message edited by San Robin -- 7/24/2013 13:27:01 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 19
7/28/2013 5:25:48   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


quote:

Lol I didn't know that XD this uhm... *scratches head* is a fuser, it works differently :D ( good find :p )

It was mentioned by Alina in AQW Design Notes featuring Warlic. So not to worry if you didn't know. I figured I should mention it though as the book in the Rose Fortress seems to confirm that magic works the same for the two games.

quote:

and as Nasbor had to leave his village just before he was considered a full grown man he never got to hear other stories.

Just how much does Nasbor know about the world? Does he have any basic information as to who the leaders of the world are?

quote:

They're bigger than an old lady and a not yet fully grown boy, not to mention the weapons and armor they carry.

I have written about dravir in my story. They may be taller, but the majority of them only carries daggers and barely has any armour to speak of. Picture
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 20
7/29/2013 13:43:18   
  San Robin
Modzerella


quote:

Just how much does Nasbor know about the world? Does he have any basic information as to who the leaders of the world are?

He knows the basic things like Who king Alteon is and where he is located, but he doesn't know for example things of recent events like Sepulchure (Story is somewhere in book 1).
in his village they don't really have a school as everyone becomes a farmer, a merchant, a blacksmith ,a lumberjack or something like that anyway. so knowledge is something they don't have a lot of.

The Dravir were traveling towards a war in a certain city, so they brought supplies (Precious suplies, I might add) that they couldn't leave behind also hindering them to enter the hole :)
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 21
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