[Requesting Critique]Memoirs of Destiny(2 Books)


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12/19/2012 4:27:16

Arthur
How We Roll Winner
Dec14

Woe of The Seeker(Book1)(Complete)
Fate's Fallacy(Book2)(In Progress)

So these are the two books from my Memoirs of Destiny Series. It's been half a year since this series has been up and I feel I lack-to some point-in detailing and story matter.

I would really like someone to critique these books for me and tell me where I lack and how do I work upon those elements.

AQW

Post #: 1

1/16/2013 19:33:29

Gianna Glow
Member

Hello Arthur! You requested a critique on your two books. Doing both is going to take a while, so bear with me. I’ll start with Book One in a post (or several depending on how long each section is) and continue like that. I usually tend to work on grammar first and then visualization second… but you have asked for more detail and visualization… so I’m going to not worry about grammar issues overall. I’ll just mention at the end of each chapter what your main problems seemed to be.

______________________________________________________________________

quote:

After hours of running, the hero's legs finally gave way and he stumbled right into a giant clearing; face first. Footsteps greeted his ears as he desperately tried to stand up, but his legs just wouldn't respond. His pursuers were gaining on him slowly.

Ok, the idea of this is great, but it could be so much more. Try breaking this up and take more time to describe everything. For now, while you are getting used to using descriptive phrases, go overboard. It is always easier to cut out excess than to add in more. For instance, how did the hero feel? Was he sweaty? Was there grime all over his clothes? Blood maybe? What where his legs and hands doing right before he collapsed? Were they shaking? What time of day is it? Where did he stumble out of? What is this clearing like, other than big (aka, sunny and bright, gloomy, etc)? How did he land face first? Did he trip? I’ve fallen plenty and when my legs just give out, I tend to simply collapse into a sitting position. I don’t believe I’ve ever fallen on my face from pure exhaustion even if I had forward momentum. If he truly is tired, he wouldn’t be moving at full speed either. When he fell, what did his face impact with? Grass? Dirt? Rock? Stone? If so, how could he hear the footsteps?
These questions are not meant for all of them to be answered exactly, but so you get an idea of how to think. Pretend you are in your character’s place. What do you smell? What do you hear? What do you feel (emotionally)? What to you feel (physically)? What do you taste (if applicable)? What do you hear? Use the five senses and emotions.

quote:

The clearing was actually a long forgotten altar used by Necromancers, Undead and the likes of Yaga back in their ages. In the center of the huge clearing was a tall stone, about chest high with a cavity in its center, the purpose of which was best left unmentioned. Surrounding the clearing were a number of huge standing rocks, their long shadows darkened the altar in their midst.

All right, establishing where your character’s location is important, but equally important is using varying words to describe the same place. The reason for this is that no matter how good everything else is, if you repeat the same descriptive word over and over, the reader’s brain gets bored even if the reader doesn’t. It is the author’s job to continually and continuously stimulate the reader’s senses. You want to paint a picture with words. Look at the two link following:
Mountain drawing 1
Mountain drawing 2
Each of the images are mountain drawings, but which one is more realistic and more vibrant? The second one is. Why? Well, a large part of it is due to the range of colors and shades. Words are like that. The more variety of descriptive words, the more realistic your story becomes.

quote:

All of them wielded strange and deadly weaponry and leered down at the hero crumpled up on the ground. The way they wielded their weaponry would have told one with a good eye that they were no novices when it came to the art of combat.

Yay! Weapons! Ok, weapons set the mood of the villain. Can you imagine Xan carrying a bow and arrow? What about Lady Celestia carrying Rolith’s hammer? Just saying the weaponry is strange and deadly isn’t enough… because that could be anything. Are we talking maces? Bow and arrows? Swords? Sais? Katanas? Chakrams? Daggers? Staffs? Spears? Take your pick (or choose all of the above), but describe them. What kind of metal are they? Are they even metal? Are there any runes on them? Do they glow maybe? How well taken care of are the weapons (aka, clean but well worn? Or rusty? Or maybe still covered with their last victim?)? All of this sets the reader’s idea of the villain. The trick with description is to make sure your reader is “seeing” exactly what you are seeing when you write this scene, but at the same time not making it tedious. Flow is important, but so are details. It’s a very fine line.

quote:

They procured thick ropes which they bound the hero's wrists in. They stripped him of his Dragonlord armor and left him standing only in a white silk shirt and his breeches.

Several things. First off, “procured” basically means to “obtain or find, but not easily”. Maybe “produced” or something to that effect would be a better word choice. I can’t imagine the villains at this point going “let’s tie him up… oh wait, we have no rope. Steve, go to the nearest village and get us some. We’ll just wait here for you.” It definitely makes the scene a bit too humorous in my opinion and I’m not sure that’s what you meant. As for description here, where the ropes just thick? Where they scratchy or smooth? Did the knot they tied hold firm or give some (because that all depends on the kind of rope used)? What did his armor look like? How did an arrow get past his armor? Even if most people on this forum understand what dragonlord armor is, pretend they don’t. Pretend this is a person who has never played any AE games. By doing that, you make this story your own and it opens up new possibilities. Look up pictures of the kind of items you want to use and spend some time describing it aloud. Find as many different words you can to describe one item without using its name at all. The idea (which you won’t do when writing usually) is to be able to describe something so well you never need to even say its name because the reader intuitively knows what it is.

quote:

Before the commander could say another word, a flapping sound invaded the night air. A thunderous roar soon followed as a massive shadow appeared out of nowhere. With its massive body and bat-like wings, the Dragon hid the moon itself. The Dragon was a brilliant sea blue and its horns were white as snow. The membranes on its wings were white as well providing an otherworldly contrast with the blue alongside it. As it circled above; its eyes finally fell on the fell proceedings taking place below him and circling above one last time, it descended.

Great job on the dragon! Let’s take it a step further now. Is this dragon a European dragon or an Asian dragon? What do its horns look like? Find some new words for colors. Maybe instead of “sea blue” use azure if that’s the right shade for you? What about the scales on the dragon? Does he shine, glimmer, or is he a matte shade? Are they large or small scales? Once again, create the dragon for the reader instead of laying just the ideas out. It is possible to use too much description, but that is very rare.

Basically, I could go line by line asking the same kind of questions about everything, but you need to try asking yourself some as well. Try going over this Chapter 0 and reworking it with those questions in mind. The goal is to put yourself in the place of the character in a real world… thought not necessarily this world. However, whatever world you use needs to be as complete in your head as the real world in order for you to do be able to do this. Story line works becomes much more vivid and real as you work on detailing.

As for grammar issues, you have some run on sentence issues, comma usage issues, and semi-colon usage issues. Try looking up how to use commas and semi-colons and the difference in between. If you want me to go into that for Chapter 1 as well as the detailing and descriptive work, just let me know.

I hope this really helps. If you have any questions about anything I said or you need clarification, please let me know. I’m happy to rephrase or clarify anything I said. I absolutely love your story line and am enjoying even the reread of it as I’m working on reviewing it. Keep up the good work! I’ll get to work on Chapter 1 and should have it up sometime within the next two days.

AQW

Post #: 2

1/18/2013 12:25:52

Arthur
How We Roll Winner
Dec14

Phoo...!!

Finally got time to post here.

I must say, reading your review has given me a very clear view of how I am supposed to proceed.

quote:

Pretend you are in your character’s place. What do you smell? What do you hear? What do you feel (emotionally)? What to you feel (physically)? What do you taste (if applicable)? What do you hear? Use the five senses and emotions.

This, this is my biggest problem. I tend to think of the character as a different person when writing the story and so I can't properly visualise through him.

quote:

Are we talking maces? Bow and arrows? Swords? Sais? Katanas? Chakrams? Daggers? Staffs? Spears? Take your pick (or choose all of the above), but describe them. What kind of metal are they? Are they even metal? Are there any runes on them? Do they glow maybe? How well taken care of are the weapons (aka, clean but well worn? Or rusty? Or maybe still covered with their last victim?)?

Okay, so not just mere mentions, but specifics need to be used. I understand.

quote:

Several things. First off, “procured” basically means to “obtain or find, but not easily”. Maybe “produced” or something to that effect would be a better word choice. I can’t imagine the villains at this point going “let’s tie him up… oh wait, we have no rope. Steve, go to the nearest village and get us some. We’ll just wait here for you.” It definitely makes the scene a bit too humorous in my opinion and I’m not sure that’s what you meant.

Okay, that's just downright embarassing on my part. I must've really been on a fly if I couldn't detect the difference between procure and produce.
There is nothing more embarrasing than using the wrong words.

quote:

Is this dragon a European dragon or an Asian dragon? What do its horns look like?

Wait wait wait, DF has Asian Dragons? I mean, can I use Dragon variants for DF mythos?

Well, the description kid of resembles my own Dragon which, by the way, IS actually azure. So again I used the wrong color.

quote:

Basically, I could go line by line asking the same kind of questions about everything, but you need to try asking yourself some as well. Try going over this Chapter 0 and reworking it with those questions in mind.

Yes, once I finish my side-story, I'll surely do a Book One revamping.

quote:

As for grammar issues, you have some run on sentence issues, comma usage issues, and semi-colon usage issues. Try looking up how to use commas and semi-colons and the difference in between. If you want me to go into that for Chapter 1 as well as the detailing and descriptive work, just let me know.

Please help me out here as well.

quote:

I absolutely love your story line and am enjoying even the reread of it as I’m working on reviewing it. Keep up the good work!

I am glad you like my story.^^
And I am also really glad that you decided to critique my story.
Thank you so much. :-)

AQW

Post #: 3

1/19/2013 0:03:51

Gianna Glow
Member

hey, just wanted to make some quick remarks on what you said above.

quote:

quote:

Several things. First off, “procured” basically means to “obtain or find, but not easily”. Maybe “produced” or something to that effect would be a better word choice. I can’t imagine the villains at this point going “let’s tie him up… oh wait, we have no rope. Steve, go to the nearest village and get us some. We’ll just wait here for you.” It definitely makes the scene a bit too humorous in my opinion and I’m not sure that’s what you meant.

Okay, that's just downright embarassing on my part. I must've really been on a fly if I couldn't detect the difference between procure and produce.
There is nothing more embarrasing than using the wrong words.

quote:

Is this dragon a European dragon or an Asian dragon? What do its horns look like?

Wait wait wait, DF has Asian Dragons? I mean, can I use Dragon variants for DF mythos?

Well, the description kid of resembles my own Dragon which, by the way, IS actually azure. So again I used the wrong color.

Ok, on the first part. Don't be embarrassed. Everyone makes mistakes. I've done it plenty of times. As for the dragon part, yes DF does to a point. For instance, take a look at my dragon in my character page. The feathery/whiskery face is usually asian only. and feather for wings never show up for western dragons. DF has a lot of choices within game. Part of what my point is though is to take the DF mythos and run with it. Use what is there and take it a step further. Basically try turning the DF world into a real-life world and then see how that would make things.

As for the pretending, try and do some daydreaming. Don't write. Just spend a few days daydreaming about your story. Be your character in your imagination. See where that takes you. I've found it helps me.

Anyways, expect chapter 1 sometime on Sunday. I don't usually get on the forums Friday nights or on Saturdays. Take care and have fun daydreaming. :D

AQW

Post #: 4

1/19/2013 12:50:44

Arthur
How We Roll Winner
Dec14

But you do know that the Asian Dragon, which is more or less the Chinese Dragon has a long, snake-like body with no wings as opposed to their more generic European counterparts.

Can I mention such a Dragon in DF Mythos?
Won't that be Out of Bounds?

And I eagerly await your critique of my next chapter.^^

AQW

Post #: 5

1/23/2013 19:48:51

Gianna Glow
Member

I'm back with some random stuff in response to your last post, grammar critique of chapter 0, grammar critique of chapter 1, and detailing/storyline critique of chapter 1. So sorry it took so long. I thought I could get this to you over the weekend, but that became impossible.

A quick note on how I do grammar/punctuation checks in critiques. I only mention the first couple of times I see the problem if its prevalent. This is not a proofreading. I explain the uses of the grammar or punctuation, tell you how you did it wrong, and give you ideas on how you can fix it. I then move on. I usually mention 1-2 more places where you can use what you learned to work on fixing, but finding all the other areas are up for you to find and fix with your new knowledge. I find it important to an author to know how to find and fix their own mistakes as it makes you better at writing overall in the future.

~~~~Random Stuff~~~~

Your concerns about Asian Dragons: I agree, the body is very different in reality. However, in this case I think you need to take the idea they allude to with the wing and horn designs. It would probably take a lot more coding to be able to switch between a european dragon body and an asian dragon body.

DF Mythos: I think the important thing is that you make your story believable. If it is alluded to in the story or surroundings, odds are good it would be possible. Remember, DF is a game constrained by programming, time, and money. Your imagination is not. Anotherwards, all the grey areas of DF's mythos are there for you to fill in.

~~~~Chapter 0 - Grammer/Punctuation~~~~

quote:

After hours of running, the hero's legs finally gave way and he stumbled right into a giant clearing; face first.

Semicolons are used to either link two similar sentence fragments or sentences together, or to create a list that is made of up individual fragments.
Examples
- I have a doughnut; chocolate ones are good.
- I had some awesome food at the party: there was a cake, chocolate of course; and root beer floats, which were messy but fun.
For more help on semicolons, try reading this link for more details.

quote:

The clearing was actually a long forgotten altar used by Necromancers, Undead and the likes of Yaga back in their ages.

It should be "by Necromancers, Undead, and the likes of Yaga" etc.
When writing lists with no extra fluff like described above, commas will separate all of the items
Example:
- I like apples, oranges, and bananas.

quote:

He turned around placing his back on the stone and looked into the darkness of the forest he had just stumbled out of, and from where he knew his pursuers were soon going to make an entrance from.

Ok, part two of comma usuage. There is a good rule of thumb to using commas. Read a sentence aloud and where you naturally pause tends to have a comma. However, if that doesn't work for you, here's another way to look at it.
Comma's are kinda like arrows. They like to say, "Hey, see me? The idea after me refers to or embellishes the noun before me! Cool, huh?" So, in this case, everything you have after the comma refers to your hero... which doesn't make much sense. I believe you're trying to have that phrase refer to the forest from earlier in the sentence.
For more help on commas, try this link.

quote:

A piercing whistle filled the night air as out of the forest flew an arrow and lodged itself in the hero's right knee causing him to scream out in agony.

This whole sentence is a good place to take what you have learned about commas before and put them to good use. If you still feel lost about commas or semicolons, tell me and i'll go over them some more in my chapter 2 update if you wish.

quote:

Shortly, the pursuers, all of whom were garbed in dark ranger clothes appeared in the clearing and sighting their prey on the ground ahead of them, surrounded him at once.

This is a good example of a run on sentence. You tend to have quite a few of those in Chapter 0 and one or two in chapter 1. Commas do not fix everything. It is better to be more deliberate with more sentences that are shorter, than to have longer sentences that feel rushed and jumbled together.

~~~~Chapter 1 - Grammar/Punctuation~~~~

quote:

Rolith stood facing them on the pedestal, his eyes stern, his brows furrowed, more in pain than in concern.

I would suggest simply reworking or rearranging this sentence to make it flow better. In this case, less commas would be nice. Maybe splitting it into two sentence or using a semicolon would help as well.

quote:

Aria was tending to her pets, Cysero as usual was busy with his raving and ranting, Lim on the other hand was busy sulking at Cysero.

This is an excellent place to practice your "arrow commas" (for the "as usual" and the "on the other hand") and to use a semicolon list.

quote:

Shadowscythe seemed to be deceptively calm nowadays, perhaps they were keeping a low profile.

Should be "The Shadowscythe". Remember, the Schadowscythe are a faction/organization... not a name of a singular person.

quote:

Alina almost jumped with shock as she whirled around on the spot only to find Ash red-faced and looking down at what seemed to be a miniature Sneevil-miniature even for Sneevil standards- that had dared to venture too close to the ArchKnight.

This is a run on sentence and has improper uses of dashes. Try using commas instead of dashes. Also, rework the sentence or split it up into two sentences.

~~~~Chapter 1 - Detailing/Storyline/Descriptions~~~~

quote:

"Who was responsible?" The Captain of the Knights brought down the head of his hammer on the ground with a heavy thump.

Ok, we all know what Rolith's hammer looks like around here, along with its approximate size and weight. However, not everyone who could read your story does. This story is considered a fanfic, however the good fanfics act as if the reader never interacted or even knew of the universe prior to reading the story. As result, they make sure to introduce everything appropriately. So, when referring to the hammer, I get the image of a normal hammer in mind. Thats obviously not the epic war hammer it is. Once again, make the world your own and then introduce it as such in your story.

Overall, chapter was is pretty good. Continue on with the ideas from Chapter 0 on how to add more depth and details to your story. Expand and create the whoe scene rather than just showing the one solitary event. Excellent job raising the tension and use of foreshadowing in part 2. I loved it! Try and figure out how to do the same in part 1's ending as well. Announcing the a group is going to war should be the result of massive amount of tension.

Well, that's a wrap for chapter 1! As always, ask any questions and i'll answer what I can!

AQW

Post #: 6

1/28/2013 13:35:39

Gianna Glow
Member

Well, since I didn’t receive any comments on chapter 1, I’m going to assume you didn’t have any comments or questions. As result, I’m not going to do any grammar because I covered the problematic issues in the last chapters.

~~~~Chapter 1~~~~

quote:

The mouth must have been around twenty feet high and the insides were dark, darker than the darkest places. Ash was literally shivering in his boots while Alina calmly examined the mouth of the cave and the darkness, as if trying to sense what was in there.

Ok, this brings us back to Ch. 0. Remember what I said about the word “clearing”? The same applies here. The first time you say its dark, the reader understand that. Four times actually doesn’t make it any darker in someone’s mind than they already imagined it. So, this is where other ideas come in. Try using words like “ink” or “black hole” or “sinister” or “sour” or “glowering” or “grim”. You could also move to other senses. Is it a dry cave? Or a damp cave? What about sound? Are there any sounds coming out of it? Caves are usually far from silent, especially big ones. The sounds may be small, but they are there usually. Ok, and for the final sense I’d use for sure is smell. What smells come from this cave? If there is water, then you might smell mold or mud or both. If there isn’t, maybe dust and grime is getting caught in the character’s nose. Just some ideas.

quote:

He was after all, with an Alchemist, one of the best in all of Lore.

I said I wouldn’t comment on grammar… apparently I lied. Your commas are in the wrong place. Try this: “He was, after all, with one of the best Alchemists in all of Lore.”

quote:

Ash had whipped out his claymore and placed it halfway between Alina-who had shrunken low covering her head with her hands- and the incoming staves that belonged to the "Necromancers".

The dashes should become commas.

quote:

At once, all the cloaked figures started to make squawking sounds in unison filling the cave air with their noise. Ash gritted his teeth trying to get over the ruckus.

Ok, I just have to ask… did you really mean squawking to be used as a synonym for laughing? Because I am getting the image of a ton of dark and forboding guys all making parrot sounds…

quote:

The Necrophages all started to laugh in unison.

Another check. “in unison”, do you mean they are literally starting to laugh in the same rhythm at the same time? Or do you mean they started laughing at the same time? If you mean the latter, “in unison” is not the correct phrase to use.

Well, there is chapter two for you. Once again, this is an excellent story. I’m not noticing many discrepancies in the story line and overall, not many problems. My main thing is that I’m trying to help you ‘level up’ your story with different ways of using descriptions and scenery. I’m off for now and I hope to get to Chapter 3 tomorrow or Thursday depending on my homework load… but there definitely won’t be an update on Wednesday. As always, if you have any questions or comments, feel free to let me know.

AQW

Post #: 7

2/3/2013 9:45:17

Arthur
How We Roll Winner
Dec14

I am sorry that I haven't been replying for long. Exams make things tougher for me.

~Comments on Chapter 1

Well the main reason that I tend not to go for the storyline blanks are basically because I worry about what might be canon and what might not. If I happen to mention a location that exists nowhere on Lore, then it is bound to raise questions on my knowledge as a DF Player and as an AE Fanfiction Author,then the situation turns embarrassing. I hope you are understanding.

quote:

Semicolons are used to either link two similar sentence fragments or sentences together, or to create a list that is made of up individual fragments.
Examples
- I have a doughnut; chocolate ones are good.
- I had some awesome food at the party: there was a cake, chocolate of course; and root beer floats, which were messy but fun.
For more help on semicolons, try reading this link for more details.

Okay, so I finally come face to face with this grammatical mark and its use. Seeing as how you've used it, I think it'll require some amount of experimenting from my side.
Thank you for the link.

quote:

There is a good rule of thumb to using commas. Read a sentence aloud and where you naturally pause tends to have a comma.

How do I differentiate between a comma and a punctuation mark?

quote:

arrow commas

I am sorry I don't get you.

quote:

Should be "The Shadowscythe". Remember, the Schadowscythe are a faction/organization... not a name of a singular person.

Okay, that was downright lame on my part.^^"

quote:

Try using commas instead of dashes.

Okay, this I need to know. When do I use dashes in my lines?

quote:

I get the image of a normal hammer in mind. Thats obviously not the epic war hammer it is.

Okay, so more description is required?

----~~-----

So basically, as a gist, I need to work on the semi-colon, the usage of commas in the right places and description.

~Comments on Chapter 2

quote:

You could also move to other senses. Is it a dry cave? Or a damp cave? What about sound? Are there any sounds coming out of it? Caves are usually far from silent, especially big ones. The sounds may be small, but they are there usually. Ok, and for the final sense I’d use for sure is smell. What smells come from this cave? If there is water, then you might smell mold or mud or both.

Okay, five senses.
I really do write with my eyes, ears and nose closed, don't I?

quote:

The dashes should become commas.

There, like I mentioned before.

quote:

I just have to ask… did you really mean squawking to be used as a synonym for laughing? Because I am getting the image of a ton of dark and forboding guys all making parrot sounds…

Okay, THAT was just ridiculous on my part.
By the way, I can make my own synonyms right? Or is there a rule for that as well?

quote:

do you mean they are literally starting to laugh in the same rhythm at the same time? Or do you mean they started laughing at the same time? If you mean the latter, “in unison” is not the correct phrase to use.

Of course it's the latter, Madame. Thinking of the former, do you intend to give me nightmares? 0.o
Anyways, seeing as it is wrong as I've used it, what are/is the possible alternative(s)?
---~~---

Once again, sorry for not replying sooner.
And I am glad you like my story.^^

I eagerly await your next review.

AQW

Post #: 8

2/11/2013 21:21:42

Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!

Arthur, I am posting on behalf of Gianna.

She was in an accident, nothing serious and she is okay, but she wanted you to know so you didn't think she forgot you.

AQW

Epic

Post #: 9

2/13/2013 2:42:21

Arthur
How We Roll Winner
Dec14

Oh God.

I had no idea. Do Tell her not to worry about my story.

Also, please tell her that she has all my strength and wishes in recovering swiftly.
I shall patiently await her return.

Furthermore, thank you for conveying this message to me, Eukara.

< Message edited by Arthur -- 2/13/2013 2:43:23 >

AQW

Post #: 10

2/18/2013 23:59:37

Gianna Glow
Member

Hey,
I'm sorry for the delay Arthur. Car accidents are no fun, even when they're not serious. >.> Who knew whiplash could give off side-affects of turning one into a vampire (aka, light-sensative migraines) for days on end.

Anyways, i'm all better except a sprained wrist and will update with a new part of the review by tomorrow evening is my hope. I apologize for the delay, but I couldn't do much about it.

AQW

Post #: 11

2/25/2013 17:44:36

Gianna Glow
Member

ok, my apologies about taking so long. My sprained wrist gave me more trouble than I thought it would. I'm going to address the punctuation questions you had first... and then see if I can get the next part of the critique later today.

quote:

quote:

There is a good rule of thumb to using commas. Read a sentence aloud and where you naturally pause tends to have a comma.

How do I differentiate between a comma and a punctuation mark?

quote:

arrow commas

I am sorry I don't get you.

first off, I'm sorry I was too vague. I do need to work on that. This link is another page from the same site I sent you to concerning semi-colons, except it is all about commas. Commas are hard to use. Personally, I overused them for a long time until Eukara started beating them out of me. lol... So I do understand your confusion. So, first question!

Q1: All commas are punctuation marks. "Punctuation marks are symbols that indicate the structure and organization of written language, as well as intonation and pauses to be observed when reading aloud." ( taken from wikipedia) Commas are a type of punctuation mark, as are periods, semi-colons, hyphens, dashes, etc. The wikipedia page is actually not bad for explanation and has links to all the other forms of punctuation marks on the right side.

Now, I used to do some acting, so thats why I stated the "general rule of thumb for commas" like I did. I totally forgot that a lot of people don't take drama classes... so my explanation wouldn't make much sense. So, sorry, my fault. When I said "Read a sentence aloud and where you naturally pause tends to have a comma." I was referring to beats that are somewhat common when reading or acting a script out. Commas seem to naturally have a pause of about half the time it takes to take a breath. Periods are a full breath. Dashes are dramatic and can last up to 2-3 breaths. At least, thats how I was taught. As I began to write, I imagined where I wanted people to take a breath or a pause when reading my works and that tells me whether I wanted to put a comma in, a period in, or a dash in. I found when I applied this to actual grammar and how to use punctuation marks, a lot of what I was taught actually lined up with how the punctuation was supposed to be used. I don't know if this long story helped, but thats how I view punctuation is a lot from my acting classes.

Q2: "arrow commas" is very unclear and vague. I'm sorry. Another way to explain it should've been the following: Commas can be used to off set a small idea or a clarification on something that is right before it. Examples below:
"My professor, the illustrious Dr. Big Deal, teaches english at Panda University."
In this example, I am clarifying the professor in question.
"The island, with poor Gilligan still stuck on it, began to shake in the throes of a terrible earthquake."
In this example, I am expounding on the island... but with a separate idea that is not related to the rest of the sentence. I'm wanting the readers to still remember "with poor Gilligan still stuck on it" when I mention said island. It heightens the tension. Does the sentence need that part? No, it works perfectly well without. "The island began to shake in the throes of a terrible earthquake." However, it adds to the drama of the story to add an idea in.

This is what I mean by my ambiguous statement and i'm sorry I didn't make it clearer.

Anyways, I'll see what I can do about getting the next review up later today, tomorrow at the latest.

AQW

Post #: 12

3/4/2013 13:49:40

Gianna Glow
Member

ok, this is unexpected... but I read over the rest of your story, both books, and there is nothing more to add that I haven't already said. Work on your descriptives using your 5 senses. Try using more shades of color than just the normal shades that most people use. Work on your punctuation skills. Other than that, excellent story line and keep up the good work! I do believe my work here is done! If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

AQW

Post #: 13

3/7/2013 8:32:53

Argeus the Paladin
Member

Before we get started, I'll just go off-topic a little bit and throw this here:

quote:

A piercing whistle filled the night air as out of the forest flew an arrow and lodged itself in the hero's right knee causing him to scream out in agony. Clutching at the arrow shaft that was sticking out of his knee cap, the hero let go of the stone and fell forward clutching at his right knee. Shortly, the pursuers, all of whom were garbed in dark ranger clothes appeared in the clearing and sighting their prey on the ground ahead of them, surrounded him at once.

The hero, he used to be an adventurer just like you, and then he took an arrow to the knee. (Sorry, can't help it)

quote:

The Executioner slowly lifted his ax above his head.

His ancestor is looking at him, imperial. Can you say the same?

Now that my meme-sense is satisfied, let's move on:

1) My only major technical comment is that you have a tendency to repeat words and phrases. A general rule is, unless it's a 'common' word - pronouns, conjunctions, simple verbs and nouns, you should try to avoid using the same word in two consecutive sentences, or even in a paragraph if you can help it. Like so:

quote:

Maybe he was busy in one of his many adventures. Or maybe he was busy doing something else.

quote:

She was dressed in her usual violet attire, Ash noted. But, he also noted that her usual shoes were missing, in their stead, she was wearing high, leather travelling boots.

There are quite a few more like that. Consider joining them up, or, if that's not applicable, use other words and expressions.

2) Some terminology problems:

I've been away from the DF fandom for ages: could you clarify whether "Necrophage" and "Chronophage" are actually part of the canon? Because if not,

- Necrophage = Death Eater. *cough*Harry Potter*cough*.
- Chronophage = Time Eater. Not sure if this would be a valid term for a group of, essentially, time-mage-knights.

If it isn't part of the canon, I would change them both. But then, that's my opinion and kind of subjective.

3) I have a very slight problem with the very short book. In essence, you have a five-chapter sequence in which very little happens aside from setting up the stage for the conflict. I would personally compile both together into a singular book, but that's just a cosmetic problem. No big deal, really.

4) Chapter 4 part 2 has what I call an infodump for the sake of info-dumping: Ash the Elder was literally reciting the entire war in great detail out to the duo in what reads like one breath. This is problematic - it severely breaks and bogs down the flow of narrative in a mountain of detail that seems entirely out-of-place. That Ash the Younger specifically states this is boring doesn't help a great deal.

I would break down the narration into a Q&A session between Ash the Elder and Alina. Let Ash the Younger pop in a question here and there at the meantime. Interaction builds character just as it builds up plot.

5) The story of Lancet starts with two big problems in my book:

- First off, the battle between Lancet and Horga was rather anticlimactic. What you did was one minute portray a rather difficult fight that Horga was winning, and then immediately the next turn the table completely and have Lancet annihilate him in one blow. That doesn't show how powerful Lancet is; that's flow-breaking and at worst a downright Deus Ex Machina: Lancet only won because the plot demanded as such, and so the win was empty. No sense of triumph after a long struggle. The most logical explanation would be if he had been hiding his strength all the time. If that had been indeed the case, you didn't show it.

Solving this would be very simple: You need only a broadstroke, a smirk or a sleight of hand, to show that Horga was playing right into Lancet's hand all round, and suddenly the scene makes more sense AND becomes much more awe-inducing - Lancet is now a smart warrior instead of a Dragonlord on steroids.

- Second, what Lancet says of Arthur is informed attribute to the hundredth degree - we're told that Arthur is supposed to (and is canonically so) be this amazing great hero that simply cannot be easily killed by the enemies of the land...

... while he was shown to have been taken down by literally an arrow to the knee to the point of being almost comical (pardon my Skyrim sense of humor), after running away from battle for hours and not even demonstrating how awesome he actually was. If he had been as great a hero like he was, he would have been able to do one of two things: (i) put up a great fight, in which case you need to show it, or (ii) be able to run away fast enough, which is out of the question because you need him dead for the sake of the story.

I would have severely edited the prologue chapter and turn it from a ceremonial-prisoner-execution into a heroic last stand. The benefits are twofold: You show how awesome Arthur is, and that despite that he still failed, either because his foes played foul or because they are just that badass. That immediately makes your villains THAT much more scary than just a bunch of stereotypical black-cloaked gloaters with some mysterious power.

Well, these are my two cents. Overall, this is a well-written piece that does very well but for the weaknesses I've pointed out above.

Good luck with the editing!

DF	Post #: 14

3/8/2013 1:54:26

Arthur
How We Roll Winner
Dec14

@Madam Glow, I understand now.

I thank you profusely for all the hard work that you have done on my story and taken out much time. I am also sorry that you had an accident amidst all this and that you got injured.
Thank you for sticking with me through to the end.
I hope you come back when I continue writing the story.

My best wishes,
Arthur

A Note About Argeus The Paladin: For all those who are reading this Critique, Argeus The Paladin is the person I hold responsible for making me the writer I am today. It was because of him that I first got to know about dialogue formatting and story pacing basics two years ago. For this, I thank him from the bottom of my heart.^^

Okay then, firstly about the Skyrim references(:P). Believe me when I say I was not a Skyrim player back when I started writing this piece. I believe it is only natural that when you strike a person below the waist line or in the spinal cord when he is running, he should fall, and so, I went for the most obvious of spots, the knee. It is only presently that I came to notice that the part has a very clear resemblance to the Skyrim catch line that you quoted. :P

The Chronophage and Necrophage are meant to be taken as just names, not going in-depth into their meanings. If I made stuff anymore simple, I would've just gone for Time-Travellers and Neo Necromancers which sounds fairly....simple.

Moving on, I'll jump straight to your review on Lancet's Story.
Well, if you've read what I wrote in the Comments Thread which as of December has moved to Page 2, you'll find that I always wanted a deviation from the slow, heavy pace of the mainstream story, so I decided to go for a Gaiden based on one of the Chronophages. Seeing as Arthur is dead, Ash is a part of the main story and Azer is Dwelling Dragonlord's character that I've shamelessly borrowed for my story, I had but one option left, Lance/Lancet, who also happens to be one of my 3 DragonFable characters, the other two being Arthur and Marc.

Lance is young, energetic and something of a battle-crazy Knight. I opted for a Hero who was the rival of a Hero in a different location and writing style, thus I incorporated a faster one.

It's crude, no doubt, but it helps me open my brain a bit, get it running.

Your view on the Prologue just gave me a brilliant idea for a stand-off that I'll edit in during my revamping session.

Thank you for reviewing my work, Argeus, and welcome back.

< Message edited by Arthur -- 3/8/2013 1:55:11 >

AQW

Post #: 15

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