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(HS)Insanity rocks!

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1/11/2013 10:48:43   
ND Mallet
Legendary AK!!!


 Story there, discussion here. This should be interesting.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 1
1/13/2013 15:48:29   
Mritha
Legendary AdventureGuide!


 Interesting indeed. Normally I see evil trying to control the hero, now I see good trying to control the villain.


*TOTALLY didn't see his post on twitter* >.>
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 2
1/18/2013 11:03:06   
ND Mallet
Legendary AK!!!


 It's really more a bunch of heroes across existence that are trying to control him in order to preserve the order of the universe. I am actually enjoying this more than most other stories I've written.

Anyways, Chapter 1 is now up.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 3
1/19/2013 2:01:25   
Ragsrun
DF Artist
quote:

"ENOUGH! I am finished with this conversation!" and with that, the lone figure in the dark turned off his thoughts.


Capitalize 'and'.

quote:

"They've been repeating themselves like this for awhile recently. I should be worried...maybe..." he said as he tried to muster up any feeling of terror or hesitance. He simply didn't care about the Voices in his head, fighting to spread their message.


I think you want 'a while' here, since 'awhile' is an adverb.
Also, capitalize that 'he'.

quote:

"There power is also growing. I can no longer hold them silent completely. Something is wrong," once again, still no feeling of worry.


Change 'there' to 'their'. Put a period instead of a comma. Capitalize 'once'.

quote:

The moon was just peaking from behind a cloud.


Did you mean 'peeking' rather than 'peaking'?


I may have missed a few tiny grammatical parts, but I'm not confident enough in my editing abilities to really point them out. Sorry. ;;XD But I do somewhat agree with Mritha—it's interesting to see a so-called villain attempting to wrestle with all these other heroes' voices, rather than the other way around.
Are you planning to release chapter two soon-ish?
DF  Post #: 4
1/19/2013 2:17:12   
ND Mallet
Legendary AK!!!


 Fixed them. I'm getting sloppy it seems. And Chapter 2 should be up eventually. No promises it will be soon though
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 5
1/19/2013 18:11:59   
Jessa K
Member
 

 Definitely intriguing. Not too often you see good being the pushy side, it's a nice break from what's normally seen. Can't wait to see where it goes!

< Message edited by Jessa K -- 1/19/2013 18:12:31 >
AQW  Post #: 6
1/26/2013 1:54:32   
Ragsrun
DF Artist
quote:

In that circle is a man with hair partially covering his eyes and a scar resembling an X that was partially covered.


Really nitpicky of me, but it seems a bit repetitive to me here just because of the word 'partially' being used twice in a short section. Just my opinion.

quote:

The man stirred and slowly sat up. Calmly, he stood up and looked at each figure hanging out of the light around him.


Same thing as what I said ^above^.

quote:

"You," was all he told the figure.

"You know why I am here," he replied.

"I do and I advise you to leave. Now."


This is nitpicky of me too. When I first read this part, I accidently thought it was the protagonist who was talking to himself because the pronoun 'he' was used in both paragraphs. Maybe consider changing the second 'he' to 'they' instead?

quote:

The tenses are fighting amongst themselves. I need out of here and away from him if I'm not already, the man thought to himself.


I believe you meant "I need to get out of here"?

quote:

"Who are...How did...," the man babbled. He hesitantly crossed the floor to the figure.


Ninja comma is ninja. Did Rilami have anything to do with that?

quote:

A chuckle that slowly turned into a bone chilling cackle.


Just add a hyphen between 'bone' and 'chilling', since...well...while a 'chilling cackle' makes sense, a 'bone cackle' is a tad more questionable. "XD


Interesting chapter. I'm not too sure if the protagonist's confusion about the tenses works all that well...but hey—totally up to you.
Also, after the description of the formerly cloaked guy's furry uniform, my mind started going, "DANANANANANANANA MOOSEMAAAAANNNN~!!!" Just thought I'd mention that. ><;;

< Message edited by Tybira -- 1/26/2013 1:56:40 >
DF  Post #: 7
2/4/2013 15:11:45   
ND Mallet
Legendary AK!!!


 I realized about halfway through that I wasn't paying attention to my tenses so I just decided to throw in how time was altered in that dream state, since time often does seem distorted in dreams, rather than go back and edit it all over and focus on one tense(was busy and rushed during it anyways). I noticed I do have a tendency for repeating words and I really need to catch myself on that before it becomes a big problem.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 8
2/22/2013 9:25:38   
Balu
Legendary AK!!!


 Well I just had a nice read. Cool story you have in development here. So far it`s pace is good and nice technique at using imagery! You might want to use a bit more transitions for a better flow, but like i said, it was a nice read.

The main character aka Stephen Carpenter piqued my interest. While playing around with my main HS char, I once thought about giving him a backstory based around rads and the fact that he is green. I`ve decided to do something else with him, but I`m definitely curious where you will take yours.

Also the one you talk about in the end of chapter 4, the smasher with very high resistance to attacks, that actually fits with the backstory of my HS main, so I`m hoping you`ll expand more on him.

Anywho, keep up the good work Moose Man! :-)
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 9
2/22/2013 12:00:21   
ND Mallet
Legendary AK!!!


 Chekhov's Gun, I wouldn't have brought him up if he wasn't important. He definitely plays a good part in the story so don't worry. Glad you liked it.

Also part 1 of Chapter 5 is up. Will finish it to tonight.Finished.

< Message edited by The ND Mallet Guy -- 2/22/2013 17:47:04 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 10
2/26/2013 23:21:29   
Tally
Member

*Is finally posting*
Very nice work >:o I really do like the tone of it; serious, deep, no nonsense kinda tone. Pretty interesting so far, keep the chapters coming
DF MQ  Post #: 11
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