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=AQ= Edge of Extinction War Stories and Poems Commentary

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1/29/2013 21:33:04   
Elryn

Custodian (DF)


 =AQ= Edge of Extinction War Stories and Poems

This is where you may discuss of each other's war stories and poems if not on the war thread itself in the AQ General Discussion forum.

< Message edited by Elryn -- 1/29/2013 21:34:30 >
AQ  Post #: 1
1/29/2013 22:02:26   
popinloopy
Member

I love Muchiha's prolouge so far. It is very detailed and has a great backstory, as well as being mostly gramatically correct. Keep up the good work, I look forward to seeing the rest.

EDIT:
As for flashbang's story. It has a lot less detail, but is much more action-packed, which I enjoy. I love the fact that the characters are introduced right away. If you came for action and wished for no suspense, wished not to listen to any sort of overdramatization, then this is a great story. It leaps right into everything and leaves few questions unanswered.

< Message edited by popinloopy -- 1/29/2013 22:45:00 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 2
1/29/2013 22:41:59   
flashbang
Member

Thanks for the nice review popinloopy.

I read Muchiha's too and I like how it has different time periods. I also especially like the letter.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 3
1/29/2013 23:19:05   
UnderSoul
Member

Muchiha has great backstory, can't wait for the rest.

@flashbang So far it's great. I get to be a teacher!
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 4
1/29/2013 23:49:07   
flashbang
Member

@Travis I like your story.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 5
1/30/2013 7:42:13   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 @Muchiha:

quote:

I wondered what life would have been like with my real parents. I never dwelled on it too much <>.

though

Since first you state that you wonder and then you go on by contradicting yourself.

quote:

"Another good day of training, I truly have come so far."

This strikes me as odd. "so" suggests that you had a particular goal in mind, yet it seems like an ordinary day of training to me.

quote:

No sire, it only has a inscription that is addressed only to you.

an

quote:

Your family on your mother’s side are distant relatives of King Alteon and is an extremely powerful mage.

Is the last part referring to Muchiha's mother(1) or her side of the family(2)?

(1) she herself
(2) they are extremely powerful mages.

quote:

While on my side I am a descendant of one of the great knights that served King Alteon’s grandfather under his reign.

Now I could be wrong here, but Alteon's father was not a king as far I am aware. Alteon served as knight under King Slugwrath, Drakath's father.

quote:

Preferably, Etheron was looking for ones who has a morally good heart, that wished to protect those that are weak and innocent, to protect everything that is good on Lore and that they could continue to do so entrusting their bodies to Etheron while they move on.

had, moved

quote:

Because of our families unique background King Alteon’s grandfather, ruler at the time instructed me to go on one of the most important missions of my career as a knight.

families', backgrounds/family's, background

quote:

To infiltrate the Shadowscythe Flying Fortress, and learn as much about them as possible. The Flying Fortress served as ShadowScythe HeadQuarters for Lore. However in order to join their ranks, I needed to be turned undead by Sepulchure to show that I was truly devoted to their cause.

Sepulchure was a knight to King Alteon, meaning that he wouldn't have been a DoomKnight yet at the time you mention.

Aside from that it is a solid story.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 6
1/30/2013 12:46:01   
Muchiha
Member

First, I shall put my reviews on the stories already posted:

flashbang: Great beginning. I just love how your story just gets into the action right away! Can't wait for the next instalment

Elryn: I can't wait to read yours

Travis Touchdown: Death's Kid is such an amazing character! I've read your tales about him on past War Stories threads.

UnderSoul: Great start to a great story. I can't wait to read more about Lord Scorpio. Go #NecroLegion!

battlemaster25: Storm Silvering is an interesting name for a character. I am glad you decided to go with us Necros Good prologue my friend!

Tep Itaki: Siblings with a conflicted rivalry. Let's see how this turns out :)

Trainz_07: Your character Scion, just emanates power! Very detailed and very dark. I like it!



And last but not least......my first hater critic.

Dwelling DragonLord: First of all, it is an honour having someone like you critique my story so far. Thank you for taking the time to go through my story and point out the various mistakes I made. Whether grammatical errors or ones that did not match up with the AE universe's history.

I'm not sure if our stories have to be completely canon to the AE Universe, but I know that in order for my current story to completely make sense, I would have to do one of two things...

1) Make my story so that it is in a different alternate timeline, yet still correspond to AQ's current timeline.

2) Make adjustments in terms of changing some characters. It would not have much of an effect in the overall story since it's my character's history that is being told. I don't think I need to be overly specific.

I think I'll go with option 2. I don't know much about DF's history, so I'll make up a king that preceded King Slugwrath. It would be that....

spoiler:



My characters great-grandfather served under King "Taurus"

My character's father served under King Alteon in his later years. So that would mean Sepulchure (as a DoomKnight) could be included and would make my character's father's story make much more sense.

It would make it that in AQ's current timeline (present day) my character (the chosen) isn't really serving a king/queen. More like helping him/her out when they need it. As it is shown in AQ's storylines.



Thanks again for your feedback Dwelling Dragonlord. I shall make these changes (grammar errors included) soon. I can't promise a completely canon story to the AE universe, but I'll do my research before posting anything related to that.


To everyone else: I can't wait to see all your next installments to your stories. For anyone else that's given me feedback to my story so far, many thanks. #1 day to go till war begins.















< Message edited by Muchiha -- 2/2/2013 17:07:50 >
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 7
1/30/2013 16:34:33   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 @Muchiha: No problem.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 8
1/30/2013 18:10:54   
popinloopy
Member

In addition to what I said before.

Travis: I love it, Death's Kid is quite the character. He seems to be the type of person that was made for the sole reason of being in a story. Well done.

UnderSoul: This is rather intruiging. I can't wait to see the rest. I love how you are leaving the real enemy unknown. Is it the paladins' fault for planning to attack, or the necromancers' for seeing plans when there were none? Were the paladins really planning to attack first, are the necromancers in the wrong? Or were the necromancers right all along? I can't wait to read more.

Battlemaster: Love the prologue. Chapter one is really nice, but I don't think vampires can become necromancers. Feel free to prove me wrong, I don't know everything. Chapter 2 provides much insight into Silver's past, as well as his family. I love that you managed to find a way to add such detail, and even dedicated an entire chapter to it.

Tep: I just love that you have the main character talk about all the siblings and their rivalries, as well as which side they picked. I wonder what will happen if/when they meet on the battlefeld. I also love that the main character is at a neutral standing point. It is bound to provide great details and interesting outcomes, at least until a side is picked.

I am far too lazy to read Trainz's at the moment. Expect a review for it at some point.

< Message edited by popinloopy -- 1/30/2013 18:45:24 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 9
1/30/2013 18:44:47   
battlemaster25
Member

quote:

Battlesiege: Love the prologue. Chapter one is really nice, but I don't think vampires can become necromancers. Feel free to prove me wrong, I don't know everything. Chapter 2 provides much insight into Silver's past, as well as his family. I love that you managed to find a way to add such detail, and even dedicated an entire chapter to it.


You mean Battlemaster?

I'm considering requesting a name change, this isn't the first time this has happened.

Asides from that, though, thanks for the feedback. I will definitely have to look into that "vampire-necromancer" thing....
AQ  Post #: 10
1/30/2013 18:47:05   
popinloopy
Member

@battlemaster
It's completely my fault. I see so many people change avatars on a daily basis, I just assumed you were battlesiege with an avatar change. I should pay more attention to detail. Please let me know what you find. Also, fixed the name thing in the review.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 11
1/30/2013 18:56:51   
UnderSoul
Member

@popinloopy I'm surprised you didn't manage to figure out the hidden enemy. I shall say no more on that.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 12
1/30/2013 18:59:41   
popinloopy
Member

@UnderSoul
Do you take me for someone who lacks intelligence? I just chose not to mention it in case my suspicions were incorrect. Besides, I am not the official general, we are a group. I suppose this is YOUR story, though, so it can go however you want. I am honored to have been put in such a high position. Heh, honored. *Hears Dragonfire cringe from miles away*

< Message edited by popinloopy -- 1/30/2013 19:00:09 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 13
1/30/2013 19:03:01   
UnderSoul
Member

@popinloopy I suspected that was the case. Also, would you happen to be planning a story? You are certainly verbose enough to write a rather good one.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 14
1/30/2013 19:08:24   
popinloopy
Member

@UnderSoul
I prefer to stick to speeches, but perhaps. If I cap for the first time in my life and find no use of warring, and I find a keyboard that works properly, I will be more than happy to oblidge this request of yours.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 15
1/30/2013 19:24:36   
UnderSoul
Member

@popinloopy You are indeed a good speech writer.

I've got the next part up!
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 16
1/30/2013 19:25:59   
popinloopy
Member

@UnderSoul
Thank you. Expect a review up shortly.

EDIT: UnderSoul's Story Part 2:
I love how much you pay attention to detail. I love how you portrayed my character, and twist at the end is a great way to leave everyone hanging. You mentioned so much in such a small amount of space, and yet not at all overpacked with information. Nice to see you mentioned Dragonfire's lack of honor, my allegience with the Ravens in the Myst, and much more. I also like that you take inspiration the moment it is presented. The fact that we are a group of equals and other such things, you remembered that recently and did not hesitate to mention it. I love the way you present the main protagonist and what I presume is the main antagonist as having some sort of connection in the past. There is so much more I love, yet only so much I feel like typing. All in all, I appreciate your efforts and am looking forward to seeing the rest. The only thing is, if we are so evenly matched, why do you need to send for backup? Not that I complain, the arrival of Smog is highly anticipated.

< Message edited by popinloopy -- 1/30/2013 19:34:59 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 17
1/30/2013 19:34:59   
UnderSoul
Member

@popinloopy Thank you very much.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 18
1/30/2013 19:43:17   
popinloopy
Member

Did Muchiha just exand his post? Expect a review up for that in a minute.

EDIT: Review for Muchiha Chapter 1:

I am enjoying the story so far. You put so much effort into this, and I am enjoying every bit of it. There is so much drama, so much suspense, and I am loving it. The cliffhanger in the end was just amazing, and leaves me and likely other readers wanting more. This just leaves me in high anticipation of what's to come. I look forward to seeing the rest. Please don't make me wait too long. The only problem I have with this is the excessive use of "Necro" and "Necrotic"

< Message edited by popinloopy -- 1/30/2013 19:51:55 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 19
1/30/2013 19:55:57   
UnderSoul
Member

Muchiha's first chapter is very intriguing. It has Rogue Paladins, a joke on how awesome we are, and me. I love it so far.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 20
1/30/2013 20:03:40   
Muchiha
Member

Thanks for the early review and pointers popinloopy + UnderSoul. :D

UnderSoul: Reading the next installment of your story has only made me much for excited for the war tomorrow.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 21
1/30/2013 20:05:47   
UnderSoul
Member

@Muchiha Well, good to know. I can't really do much more until the opening cutscene tomorrow though.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 22
1/30/2013 20:12:52   
Muchiha
Member

I cut down a lot of the unnecessary "Necros" and "Necrotics" for Chapter 1.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 23
1/30/2013 20:14:46   
popinloopy
Member

@Muchiha
Ok, thank you. I will read over it again. Tell me this now, though. Did you change the names of the assault vehicles? I just took that as a way of classifying which squadron it belonged to.

EDIT: Much better and much appreciated.

< Message edited by popinloopy -- 1/30/2013 20:16:04 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 24
1/30/2013 20:29:25   
battlemaster25
Member

@popinloopy

I haven't been able to find anything about whether or not vampires can use necromancy. But I don't know why they wouldn't be able to. After all, they can use pretty much every other type of magic, including, oddly enough, light magic. Yes, vampires are a type of undead, but undead can also be necromancers. How else would Frigidere have an army of zombies?
AQ  Post #: 25
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