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Discussion for my book.

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6/26/2013 16:54:37   
Retro The Watcher
Member

Discuss/comment on my Prologue to my book here.
Chapter 1 here.
Chapter 2 here.

I have corrected the second link due to my merging of the two stories. ~Gianna Glow

< Message edited by Retro Gx -- 6/27/2013 14:50:24 >
Post #: 1
6/26/2013 17:05:51   
Arthur
How We Roll Winner
Dec14


 @Retro,

Hey Retro,

About the prologue, I would say that your work right there-while it reveals little about the premise- does some really brilliant work at setting the stage for the big show. The first person narrative really gives it a good effect.
I wish that it could've been longer, but hey! Quality over Quantity.

I didn't spot any typos. You're good there.
Can't wait for the next release.
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 2
6/26/2013 17:09:43   
Retro The Watcher
Member

Thanks Arthur, That's what I wanted to hear, and I am glad I have no typos as it is hard to proof-read your own work. I actually have chapter 1 ready to post as we speak.

< Message edited by Retro Gx -- 6/26/2013 17:10:45 >
Post #: 3
6/26/2013 17:28:43   
Arthur
How We Roll Winner
Dec14


 Uhh... Retro, you don't need to make a 2nd thread for chapter 1. Comments for your whole story go in a single thread, this one.

So, I think you should delete the second thread.
Also, the Prologue and chapter 1 go in a single thread too.
You can change the title of this thread, no problems there.

Anyways, about chapter 1, it's an interesting beginning. I like the focus you've given to the character's thoughts and to his surroundings. I feel that it makes for a good pace and characterisation.
Also, I think you should decide upon one particular tense to write in. The frequent switches between past and present tense make comprehension slightly difficult.

A situation related question. Is this chapter set in the time when there is a break between two consecutive waves of enemies?
Because you've written that dead bodies are already lying around, but in the end, the battle starts again?

An epic beginning for sure.
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 4
6/26/2013 17:34:01   
Retro The Watcher
Member

Oh, yep, then I will ask for the other thread to be deleted. The change in tense was actually purposeful, as he is remembering his past, but trying to tell it in a story, but to the main character it is a blur. And yes, there is a break in enemies. What I am doing for the overall story is to have each chapter switching from past-to-present until they catch up on one-an-other. Two parts of the same story, one based in the present (solid present) and one in the past (but being told as if it were in the present).
Post #: 5
6/26/2013 17:38:10   
Arthur
How We Roll Winner
Dec14


 Ah. A daunting task.

Just don't overdo it or lose control. I bid you good luck.
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 6
6/26/2013 17:40:56   
Retro The Watcher
Member

Thanks. It will be difficult, but also fun. I'm going to make sure the separation is obvious between past and present.
Again, thanks for the feedback. Chapter 2 will be up in a few days.
Edit: After proof-reading, I noticed some mistakes with my tenses. Thanks again, again Arthur.

< Message edited by Retro Gx -- 6/26/2013 17:51:19 >
Post #: 7
6/27/2013 14:48:01   
Retro The Watcher
Member

Chapter 2 is now up.
Post #: 8
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