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Firefly -> RE: Gwoon's House of Alphabet Worship (7/8/2008 11:48:09)
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quote:
Dazzling and dazing with malnutrition and thoughts of a caliber far beyond that which my philosophy indoctrination had ever resulted in
Er, it's rather hard to comprehend this sentence due to length and word choice. I suggest you change it entirely. But if you're unwilling to:
1. You can't really "dazzle" with malnutrition. I mean, d'you sparkle when you're hungry? The alliterature sounds good, but it has to make sense.
2. "that of which" or it makes no sense.
3. "philosophy" is a noun. Sounds like you're trying to use it as an adjective here, in which case, you want "philosophical"
quote:
assumed her to be like the men of her age group and village
Comma after "age," comma after "group" as well depending on whether you write with commas before "ands" in lists.
quote:
and turned around without even expecting a bidding of farewell.
The wordyness is going a little overboard.
quote:
When I tried to make my way back to the river, to find sea, I finally realized something conversations and thoughts had managed to push back into the depths of my mind.
"As" might fit better in this context.
Kill the first comma.
"find the sea" might fit more.
I wouldn't say that "back" is necessary here. It's getting rather wordy.
quote:
I quickly ran back to the small ally, where the woman still stood.
"alley"
*stabs the comma to death* If you want it to indicate pause, you can use a dash here instead. The comma doesn't work.
quote:
she simply gazed at the nothingness inside her own mind.
How the heck would be the ronin know this? Sure, he'll know she's not looking at anything in particular, but to know that she was /gazing at her own mind/? He's not psychic...
quote:
The look of composure on her face
There's no such thing as a "look of composure." i think you meant "the composed look"
quote:
The look of composure on her face, and the specific crane form
Kill the comma. The pause sounds very bad here.
quote:
this time one wondering about her Buddhists believes and the strength of her faith
"beliefs"
quote:
I pushed back yet another thought, this time one wondering about her Buddhists believes and the strength of her faith, and narrowed my view to the bricks before her feet
Too long of a sentence, esp. since that there's a semi-colon rather than full stop even after. Break it up at the bold. "...faith. I narrowed..."
quote:
A single glance over it was enough to fasten the pace of my heart to a dangerous level.
"fasten" means to tie up or buckle. The word you want is "quicken"
quote:
I dropped it and sprinting back to the stream
"sprinted"
quote:
never slowing my incredible pace until I finally reached the sea.
1. "incredible" sounds... childish.
2. Don't like the repetition of "pace"
"never slowing down until I finally reached the sea."
quote:
and laughing melancholically upon seeing my face on the sheet
Just letting you know, this means extreme sadness. Rather an oxymoron for a laugh to be so sad.
'kay, just that for now. I'll edit it to include the rest of the chapter in half an hour or something.
quote:
that I realized I had gone a full day without sleep, water, and food.
"or" would add a much larger impact.
quote:
I collapsed upon the fisherman, who hadn’t noticed my stealthy run
o.O He collapsed right on top of him? Seems more likely he'd collapse beside him...
quote:
Fear infected his vocal cords as he continued.
I would just say "voice." Simpler, more to the point, more accurate since the ronin can't see his vocal cords...
quote:
or even open my eyes, which drew themselves shut for some reason, resulted in utter failure.
Better to change those to commas into dashes to separate this part of the sentence from the abundant numbers of other comma stuff around.
Also, "drew" isn't a strong enough word. "snapped" maybe, to show how his eyes just /refuse/ to open?
quote:
When I woke up at least hours after this mystical happening
A rather weak and informal word choice that clashes with the rest of your writing. "occurance" would be better here.
quote:
I found out my passing out had somewhat diluted my perception of the event; I had been beaten up.
Change the first "out" to "that" or something.
I'd say that the semi-colon is better as a dash. Adds more impact and correlation to the sentence as opposed to the clunkiness of the semi-colon.
quote:
The fisherman sat where I had seen him sitting before I crashed down on him
This is a, um, rather poor way of phrasing it. "The fisherman lounged at where I had seen him sitting before I crashed down on him" or if you want something more different: "The fisherman sat in the same spot he had when I crashed down on him" ect.
quote:
and was exploiting the way moonlight seemed to give the creatures of the waters a false sense of confidence.
An "of the" statement is too bulky here. Just say "water creatures"
quote:
Finding out how serious the bruises were by investigating them with my right hand, made me growl in agony before continuing
Kill the comma, grammatically. But I think a full rephrasing is in order because it currently flows badly. "I growled upon finding how the serious the bruises were by investigating them with my right hand."
quote:
Finally he spoke.
Comma after "finally"
quote:
to fall into a river of tears of a different type; shed by the clouds rather than by a human being.
The semi-colon should be a dash (or a comma, but a dash is better here to highlight stuff). The second part lacks a subject, which means it isn't an independent clause. Semi-colons can only separate independent clauses.
quote:
He cursed when the group of Biwa trout he had been eying on fled from the transparent drop’s landing in an abundance of transparent drops.
I don't see the reason for the "on" You eye something, you don't eye on something.
"drops"
Er, the repetition is B.A.D. Try: "fled from the abundant numbers of (descending?) transparent drops." "fled from the transparent drops landing abundantly." or something.
quote:
I was limited to asking: “Why would you do that?”
Just noting that you don't always have to punctuate that with a colon. You can do it with a comma (nothing else changes) for some variation.
quote:
It took effort to be civil
"took an effort" sounds better here.
quote:
now he turned his back on me, and further muffled his voice as he replied
I personally would take out the comma there. The pausing doesn't sound right.
quote:
I could just abandon you right now if you didn’t start showing a little respect.
It's speech. It's happening /right now/. The previous sentence was in present tense. In other words, this is better in present tense. "I can just abandon you right now if you don’t start showing a little respect."
quote:
At the end of his little speech more tears deserted his eyes, to enhance the flow of the river
Comma misplaced. Take out the current comma and add a comma after "speech"
quote:
he said, seemingly ignoring my question,
"seemingly" doesn't flow here. "seeming to" is better.
Hmm, to me, the two parts of the dialogue before and after the speech tag sound like two sentences, not a single one. I think the comma in the end there should be a period then.
quote:
Since you seem to have choose to be a friend,
"chosen"
quote:
why don't you finally show yourself so that I can decide if I want you be my student,
Since it's technically a suggestion, you need a question mark at the end there.
quote:
my self-confidence fueled by his submission.
It's more general confidence rather than self-confidence here, imo.
quote:
was the only response suited when the fisherman turned around and showed me his face.
"suitable" is the form of the word you're looking for here.
quote:
You especially, because you are so strong.
This seems like a rather, bland, way of putting it. "because of your strength," maybe? Or at least take out the "so"
'kay. Finished. I'm still pining for more description. The setting I can fill out in my head, but I still want some character description. However, you've improved greatly on the dialogue and the metaphors.
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