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Eukara Vox -> RE: Bamboo jungle - A collection of short stories (6/26/2008 23:20:58)
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I feel it would be better to tell you now, before you start wondering what kind of person urinates on lampposts and sniffs at people's bottoms. The first comma is probably very optional.
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I don’t think you would care for me very much after it .Hmmm, I am thinking this line needs a little more elaboration. Mostly because I don't really see why it is needed. But if you dive it a little more, it would change my mind.
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My master refers to me as Roxy, so I suppose you should also unless he returns and wants to call me differently. I think this sentence is too heavy. You should think about breaking this up.
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You see, my master left for an afternoon walk the yesterday without me for some reason and I haven’t seen him since. "afternoon walk the yesterday" - I don't understand the phrasing here, the yesterday?
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I feel so confined in this house - no water, no food; I am beginning to think maybe master has abandoned me. This looks fine to me. Your judgement. Either way, the sentence either needs this split or to be totally separated.
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I hope he comes home soon to give me some attention, that cat has been strutting around like she owns the place! Hmm, this sentence has too much too. I would break it up like this: "I hope he comes home soon. I need some attention and that cat has been strutting like she owns the place!"
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But wait, I think I can smell him. At first I had a problem with this sentence, but then I realized it was perfect. So like a dog. Goes on and on about something, and then suddenly -BAM- his attention is totally on something else.
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“MASTER! MASTER! MASTER!” I screamed as I saw the vision of my person.
“Draggle foofle gribble Roxy trigglt yippy floop!” he exclaimed.
“MASTER, I DON’T KNOW WHAT JUST YOU SAID BUT I'M SO HAPPY YOUR HOME!.”
“Gabble gible fupper Walkies Bumblip hop.”
“Oh yes master I would love walkies right now,” I said as he hooked the leash around my neck and walked with me out the back door. It felt great to be outdoors again, the fresh smell of morning dew on the grass, the birds chirping and I could smell a cat somewhere. My first ambition was to find a nice lamppost as I have not been outside in over a day.
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It felt great to be outdoors again, the fresh smell of morning dew on the grass, the birds chirping and I could smell a cat somewhere. Alright, he is taking in the sights, is finally outside and you have him walking. What?! He should be darting here and there, sniffing everything, pulling at the leash in frustration as he tries to find that cat. His claws should be scraping against the concrete of the sidewalk as he tries to pull his master along. Where's the frustration at not being able to get to all that great stuff! Whew, I feel like the dog now, frustrated that I can't get anything!
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My first ambition was to find a nice lamppost, as I have not been outside in over a day.
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I walked down the street with my master to the closest lamppost and relieved myself, just as another dog and his master were coming down the street towards us. I immediately went up and greeted the dog with a friendly sniff of her bottom while the dog's master gave me a strange look and moved on. Gender agreement!
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“Don’t mind her master, she is just rude not to say hello” I said but once again he chose to ignore me and just pressed on forwards to the woods in the park where we always go on our walks. This needs a little separation. Too much going on in such a large sentence.
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I love it there! When I get thirsty I can drink from the stream and play in the water while master watches me happily. Emphasize how much he loves it with an exclamation point. Then make the other part a sentence.
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He sometimes even lets me off the leash to go and have a run through the forest; he knew I would never leave him. Tense agreement!
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I was in luck, today was one of those days, with a smile he unhooked me from the leash and I dashed off before he changed his mind, I sniffed through the leaves and barked at the squirrels. Another long sentence. But breaking this one up will cause you to write to repetitively. I can see you starting the sentences to identically. If it were me, I would do this. You can take this however you want. " I was in luck, for today was one of those days. With a smile, he unhooked me from the leash and I dashed off before he could change his mind. Sniffing through the leaves, I found a wonderful scent, and following it I barked at the squirrels as they scampered up the trees."
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I occasionally went back to check if master was still there; I don’t want him to go missing again. I can totally see that this is why the dog goes back to the master.
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He just smiled at me and carried on walking. Hmmm, you never actually said that the master kept walking around. I actually had him sitting down watching the dog.
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I made my mark on many trees when all of a sudden I smelled something, like a human in the forest. I think you should rephrase this. "I made my mark" is sorta generic and plain. This would be a beautiful opportunity to delve into the mind of a dog and let us in on why he is doing what he does.
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I dashed through the forest with the crunch of leaves under my paws towards where I smelled the human. He should be following his nose, the scent trail, etc here.
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“Found you!” I shouted as I saw a human, face down, in the stream that runs through the forest.
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“HEY MASTER, MASTER COME LOOK AT THIS!”
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“Found you!” I shouted as I saw a human face down in the stream that runs through the forest. “HEY MASTER, MASTER COME LOOK AT THIS” I shouted while my master walked calmly through the forest. Get rid of the repetition, namely the second "I shouted."
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“Found you!” I shouted as I saw a human, face down, in the stream that runs through the forest. “HEY MASTER, MASTER COME LOOK AT THIS!” I shouted while my master walked calmly through the forest. “HURRY!” I exclaimed.
Frustratingly(or something similar), all I got back was “Floople doof gump”. When my master caught up to me he looked shocked, he ran down to the stream and stood beside me.
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When my master caught up to me, he looked shocked. He ran along the stream and stood beside me, looking at the body.
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I went over and sniffed at the man, he wasn’t moving. I would use "but" instead of a comma.
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Master went over and lifted him out of the water and placed him on the path while looking around, maybe for another human. Split this up. Personally, I would split the sentence between path and while. Then I would bulk up the sentence involving the master looking around.
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“Grippel goob NO!” cried Master as he looked at the man lying on the path.
“No, what’s wrong Master? Was I not supposed to find him?”.
That was a great story! I love this kind of stuff. Good work, though I think you could have been more wordy and descriptive.
Check your dialogue mechanics. I suggest taking a look at Versy's guide for suggestions and such there. Otherwise, I am going to submit your butt to a teacher's lesson series on dialogue and quotation mechanics!
Again, very nice!
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