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Sentharn -> RE: Dragonfly Court - Stories - Comments - (3/30/2009 0:49:25)
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As you have requested, O Mighty Leader of the OmniAwesome and Super-Pulchritudinous Dragonfly Horde, I am here to point out areas of your story that could possibly and hypothetically be construed as errors.
I shall begin, since I can tell you are incredibly agog for me to continue.
quote:
They crashed into the cliff, battering it; the sounds saturating the air around her.
I shall begin here (since you are obviously excited beyond belief because I have decided to tear your story to comfortably bite-sized pieces, and I feel honored to be able to tear your story to tiny tiny shreds, but in a nice way since I am generally a nice person and really, being mean to a story is an unforgiveable sin that deserves punishment by being locked into a 10x10x10 room with Talvan for two days) by pointing out that, technically, the semicolon makes the string of letters we know as words that appear after the semicolon should be an independent clause, and so using the present tense sounds somewhat odd here.
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This was the last thing she ever imagined doing. Eventually, she knew that her journey must turn northeast, towards Warlic's tent and beyond.
I would like to take this opportunity to inquire as to what "this" is. Also, it appears the present tense is used again in the second sentence.
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"Why I respond to this kind of stuff, I don't know. Last thing I need is a charity job." She turned on her right foot and looked back up the path. The sun filtered gently through the leaves, contrasting with the violence heard below.
Although, in retrospect, the violence mentioned most obviously refers to the forces of the atomic bonds of the water molecules as they attempt to loosen the electromagnetic relational structures in the cliff, readers with minds that are alas, less quick and witty than mine may not grasp this immediately.
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Slowly, Azlyra trudge up the path that lead to Warlic's Tent.
If it were anyone but you, m'lady, I would be making quite a big deal over the fact that you misspelled a word here. In fact, I would be screaming, "OH MY GODDESS, A TYPO!!" at the top of my lungs. However, since it is you and since screaming in a bar full of drunks is a bit like shouting "FIRE" in a movie theater, I shall refrain and merely tell you that "Trudge" should probably be "trudged".
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What is wrong with me!
It is most usual and expected for questions to end in a question mark, except when being rhetorical. However, your character does not seem to be the rhetorical type.
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I assume that Warlic considers any approach by him that isn't followed by an explosion, gas or misguided magic reverent.
He must assume quite a lot is reverent, then.
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He drew in a quick breath of air and continued before Azlyra had time to say anything. "There has been some very strange activities in the forests around here lately. Perhaps something has moved in...Nythera!"
Why is he breathing in quickly? It is illogical, especially since the efficiency of the lungs is inversely related to the speed of the breath intake; the faster breath is drawn in and exhaled to make odd noises from his mouth aperture, the less oxygen he has available.
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The familiar scowl crept from behind the smaller tent next to Warlic's and upon seeing Azlyra, scoffed and glared at Warlic.
How does a scowl creep? I was not aware that they were capable of independent movement.
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Uncurling her fingers, Azlyra relaxed, knowing she was walking on thin ice. Nythera's gaze still sent imaginary arrows at Azlyra's chest and she could imagine that if the apprentice were allowed to, the arrows would be laced in some kind of magic.
M'lady, the Nythera-one does not seem to be likely to be concerned with what she is 'allowed' to do.
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Warlic looked from one woman to the other and exhaled heavily. "Aria is usually right about this stuff. Since this is my area and the natives are restless, Nythera, I want you to go investigate more. Find out what is going on."
I must say, imagining Warlic to say "Stuff" also bring up images of a teenage girl on the California Beach saying "And, like, she like, you know, like, did something, and, like, she ended up, like..."
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Besides, who will clean up the laundry that Cysero left thrown all over the place.
Instead of a period at the end of this sentence, I would like to most graciously suggest replacing it with ASCII character 3F (63)
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Azlyra balked. She saw the evil glint in Nythera's eye and took a step back. "No, you have to be the one to do it. If this is magical in nature, you would be better able to handle it, Nythera." Warlic merely shook his head. "I am sure Azlyra can handle the mess Cysero left."
Although I have dedicated my excessively urbane and witty mind to this paragraph for precisely seventeen point twenty-two seconds, it still confuses me. Who is speaking? Is Nythera going with Azlyra?
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Azlyra turned to face what would occupy her time for the next half day once Warlic absented himself. The line that divided their sides of the tower was still there. She sighed and walked towards the unknown. Sounds of restlessness echoed through the air, forcing Azlyra to pull her daggers from their sheaths and proceeded to the mysterious side of laundry, week old encrusted socks and whatever creatures emerged from the rogue magic that sometimes escaped Cysero's workshop and infiltrated his home.
Being the extremely tactful person that I am, I would like to find a gentle way to tell you that "What would occupy her time" sounds rather vague, "The task that would..." could be a replacement, and "Warlic" really does rhyme with "Garlic" in my mind. I would also like to point out that I did not see anywhere her moving into the tower. Lastly, I would like to point out that the last sentence could use a comma after "socks".
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I guess I should count myself lucky that this place is still a human habitation and not the insides of a fish...
Being such a humble reader, I would not dare to instruct you to do something, but I would like to suggest that you expand on Cysero's tendencies to create explosions, dirty laundry, and fishy situations.
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As she watched a slow moving form up ahead, something blitzed her from above. "
I would like to suggest that you replace "watched" with something slightly more higher-action.
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She felt the tendril of cloth as it snaked its way up her leg, slowly constricting it.
Technically, "it" is not necessary. Technically. You know how I *love* technicalities.
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It groaned, turning its buttoned face towards the approaching monster. Another air strike by the sock monkey toppled her over and she crashed to the floor.
Also technically, this group of sentences makes it sound like the monster was crashed to the floor.
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Another abandoned his post on her torso, quickly replaced by a returning monkey, and joined the migrating comrade.
Also also technically, I would recommend a 'was' in front of quickly.
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Head no longer mobile, one monkey smothered her nose with a paw while the other tried to stick his hands in her mouth.
Also also also technically, I would recommend putting a "with her" in front of "head".
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Mouth firmly closed she cursed the creatures amid mumbles and grunts.
Also also also also technically, I would recommend a comma after "closed".
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Unfortunately, the beasts biggest weakness was in the chance it took using those spines. Once deployed, they stuck in virtually anything impacted. Since he missed Azlyra, the bugbear now lay on its back upon those very spines stuck in the floor.
Unfortunately for whom? Also also also also also technically I would recommend a comma after "back"
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The bugbear squirmed, more to get away now than to attack. It whimpered slightly and then began to squirm violently. Smacking the bugbear in the head with the flat of her blade stunned it and she pulled the material form his claws.
Although I am normally a very tactful person, I am going to be exceedingly nasty and tell you that you happened to mention 'squirmed' twice. Also, the second sentence could be simplified by saying something like "She stunned the bugbear by smacking it in the head with the flat of her blade," and then saying "After it stopped moving, she pulled..." But this is also slightly more wordy.
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It yelped and ran away, heading straight for the nearest window and jumped.
Also also also also also also technically, 'heading' should probably be 'headed'.
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"Apparently, something is amiss and Cysero's problems were not his fault ..." she replied without turning around, "amazingly."
Also also also quadruple also technically, there should be a comma after "amiss".
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"Perhaps. Would it have truly mattered if I did? You would still have to come to me anyway, as you are destined to do that very act, just as I was destined to send Nythera into the forest to do absolutely nothing but gather stuff for her own purposes."
Is the "are" destined on purpose?
Also, I just have to say "OH MY GODDESS WARLIC SAID "STUFF" AGAGIN. *cough*. Sorry, I'll continue.
quote:
Warlic narrowed his eyes, glaring at Azlyra. "No, Azlyra, most people know perfectly well why you keep to yourself."
I am somewhat curious, because I do not know well why she keeps to herself other than the fact that she dislikes people.
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"I guess I was destined to be here right now."
BEST. LINE. EVER.
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There should be songs sung by territorial birds and the skittering of squirrels, yet it was quiet.
Double-quadruple-also technically, I think there should be a 'had' before 'be', and 'be' should be 'been'.
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Azlyra looked at Xanta Claus, staring at her from under the blooming trees.
This sentence sounds somewhat like Azlyra is staring at a female Xanta Clause, which is a very creepy thought indeed, especially since Xanta Clause is creepy enough as a male.
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Not like leaves in the wind, which though may move the same direction, did not move in unison.
Also double-quadrople-also technically, I'd suggest a comma after 'which' and a 'they' after 'though'.
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She could feel the shirt beneath her vest stick to slicked, bloodied skin where the burn pulsed with pain. Moving caused her to involuntarily flinch and Xanta smiled.
Since I am so humble, I have no problem with saying that my amazingly brilliant mind is being confused by the first sentence. Also, in the second, "involuntarily" could probably be removed, if you so wished for it to be done.
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Her hair shriveled in the intense heat of the fire Xanta carried with him always. The fire began to irritate and burn her arms, forcing her to disengage her attack as they fell to the ground.
I wouldn't dream of bossing you around--it simply wouldn't be *proper*--but I think "always" should go right after "Xanta". Also, the second sentence makes it sound like Azlyra's arms fell off.
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The necklace that she had received from her mother began to glow.
Although I do not wish to mention my vivaciously amazing memory, which is quite like a metal sieve, I do not think the necklace has been mentioned before now.
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"What are you and why do you follow me?" she asked, not truly expecting an answer.
Again, I would not dare to boss you around, my liege, but I would like to suggest that you add a comma after the first "you".
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The humming began to differentiate, some dropping or raising in octave, some changing to minor or major chords.
Double double-quadruple-also technically, 'the humming' is singular and so 'some' can't change octaves or modes. Technically.
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I recall a particular trip into a cave to illustrate that point.
As I mentioned on IRC, you appear to switch to first-person here. Technically.
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She turned to see nothing but trees. The Leiflee on her shoulder nudged her gently and she nodded. "Yeah, home sounds good to me too."
I appear to have missed where she said/thought the word 'home'.
My liege, I hope you find this document satisfactory to your uses. May your chocolate be dark and rich!
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