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mastin2 -> RE: Angel: The Beautiful Outcast [Comments] (6/28/2010 5:11:12)
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Not to worry, _Dep. We all have those "can't finish anything" moments. (Know how long it took me to complete a single Novel? Well...from November 'til June, minimum. I could also argue that I started the novel when I wrote the short story, over a year ago, or that I've been trying to finish a novel since I started writing, what, four years ago? Something like that. So I got well-acquainted with those moments. I could teach you some of the tricks I used, if you want. ;))
(I had this comment thread open, but it was amongst the windows which crashed, so I had forgotten. Not for long!)
Anyway, as this is my last night on vacation, I want to make sure I finish this. I did a nice critique of Chapter six, so--presumably--I'm going to do Chapter Seven. ;)
(But, again, same warning as with Author's Fantasy: I'm a year out of regular practice, so I probably will not be up to par.)
(Oh, boy, I'm probably not going to find much...)
quote:
Grace followed Serenity through the trees silently, frowning and staring down at the ground quietly. I think this would be more powerful without the 'and' and with an additional comma. You know,
"through the trees silently, frowning, staring down at the"
...But that's just me.
quote:
Bright's been flying all day, she can't possibly keep up with Serenity. Ack, this is the only other thing I could find, and it's largely opinionated; I'd make the comma into a semicolon to slow the sentence down some more. As it is, it seems to flow a bit too quickly.
Sorry I couldn't do more to help. I gave my suggestion for where to head with the story over a year ago, and I don't think I can do any more. I mean, after a year, I suppose I could compliment you (probably again) on a few points. For starters, how the story packs a considerable punch and is very emotionally powerful--when the characters were crying, I almost did as well. Had to fight back the tears ('cause tears kinda get in the way of reading) with what I was seeing. The story has strong character descriptions--suiting, considering how every single character has a very unique personality and feel to them. They all feel real to me, as if I were right there, at the scene, watching.
Thanks for a good read, _Dep! :)
-Mastin.
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