RE: Poetic Alchemy-Comments III-NEW~The Masks We Wear (Full Version)

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garnetdragoness -> RE: Poetic Alchemy-Comments III-NEW~The Masks We Wear (8/19/2008 21:52:37)

@Eukara: thanks so much! I love it when you visit!
@Firefly: and thank you too. fixed my little booboo with "'its". I seriously have a bad habit of adding the apostrophe when I don't need to and I changed "as" to "our". I meant to "muddle" through, don't know why I did that. all fixed and thanks bunches!

so glad you both enjoyed that one. I enjoyed writing it [;)]




Firefly -> RE: Poetic Alchemy-Comments III-NEW~The Masks We Wear (8/20/2008 1:32:43)

Ah, "muddle" makes much more sense. I had a feeling it'll be a typo, but I wasn't sure what it was supposed to be.

its/it's is a common problem. It's fine to make it once in a while. =P [/badpun]



garnetdragoness -> RE: Poetic Alchemy-Comments III-NEW~The Masks We Wear (8/22/2008 20:10:38)

I suffer from "cranial methane syndrome" (the technical name for brain farts) it's an ongoing disorder [:D] will post a new one tomorrow but I warn ya....it's very sad.



Firefly -> RE: Poetic Alchemy-Comments III-NEW~The Masks We Wear (8/22/2008 21:09:49)

*waits* I love sad poetry. I'll devour this one for sure.

Btw, check up a certain stickied thread in Literary Discussion. ;) I nominated you.



garnetdragoness -> RE: Poetic Alchemy-Comments III-NEW~The Masks We Wear (8/23/2008 9:03:25)

New!! A Senseless Act

This is a very sad poem that is a true story that happened last Sunday morning. I still can't believe it happened.

I saw the stickied thread Firefly [:)] thank you soooooooooo much! I will try to experiment more with my rhyme schemes but can't promise perfect results. maybe I can do more like how "Letting Go" and "Dragonfear" are written. I would also like to play around with words more like how I did "Dragon". we shall see. [;)] thanks bunches for the nomination!

I would like to add my wish to second r0de0b0y for WotM but I don't think I could put it as eloquently as you did Firefly.......



Firefly -> RE: Poetic Alchemy-Comments III-NEW~The Masks We Wear (8/23/2008 13:02:35)

I feel so heartless for critiquing this... But, I shall do it...

quote:

all was gone in a blaze.

This is a /bit/ long. I think it could flow better as "all had gone ablaze." ("was" wouldn't make too much sense once it's changed in this manner)

quote:

they got out of their house.

It's a bit long and "got" is a weaker verb. Perhaps "they fled from their house."

quote:

and the flames were doused.

I dunno, I just think, with the way I say it, perhaps flows better as "and soon the flames were doused."

quote:

The deserve to be punished,

"They"?

Aww.... What happened was terrible. What you wrote was beautiful. Does that make sense? *snuggles* Sorry to hear that, Garnet.

Heh, if you manage to tackle those points, I'll have a hard time nominating you next time. Though, that problem would be solved if you win this time. =P

I bet you'll be able to make a great nomination for RB. Believe in yourself. ;)



garnetdragoness -> RE: Poetic Alchemy-Comments III-NEW~The Masks We Wear (8/23/2008 16:16:05)

thanks Firefly. you always seem to catch me with at least a typo.....arrrg. all edited. thanks for the sympathy. some one set a trashcan on fire sitting under their carport. it torched their house and whatever didn't burn up is covered in black ash and soot. what a horrible, horrible thing to do to someone......and their animals....they did not deserve to die.....sigh. they were lucky a neighbor was awake. he was rolling up newspapers to be delivered that morning. I really meant it when I said I would work on those other rhyme schemes. just have to find the right topics I would want to use for them. as far as the seconding thing. will have to work it out in my head....I don't know. I'm not THAT great of a critiquer so we will see....



Firefly -> RE: Poetic Alchemy-Comments III-NEW~The Masks We Wear (8/23/2008 17:12:32)

Heh, you're good at critiquing. =P You catch many typos too.

I'm really sorry for your friend, Garnet. Best wishes...



garnetdragoness -> RE: Poetic Alchemy-Comments III-NEW~The Masks We Wear (8/24/2008 7:17:53)

giving "suggestions" for corrections on misspelled or misused words is one thing but a full critique is another. especially when giving the negative points as I am always afraid of offending.....but, I'm giving it a shot anyway. awwwwwwwww, crimzon5 seconded me....I am so flattered. [:)]



garnetdragoness -> RE: Poetic Alchemy-Comments III-NEW~The Masks We Wear (8/27/2008 6:33:23)

New!! Imagine



Crimzon5 -> RE: Poetic Alchemy-Comments III-NEW~The Masks We Wear (8/27/2008 6:59:23)

Heh, just dont get mad at me for having to point out negative stuff in the seconding



garnetdragoness -> RE: Poetic Alchemy-Comments III-NEW~The Masks We Wear (8/27/2008 8:01:57)

why would I do that Crimzon5? it IS a requirement in the nomination process AND it helps us grow in our talents. besides, I could never be mad at you. [;)]



garnetdragoness -> RE: Poetic Alchemy-Comments III-NEW~The Masks We Wear (8/29/2008 20:21:48)

coming soon: 2 new rhyme acrostics! and what, you ask, could they be......about Battleon and Dragon Fable...what else? haha any suggestions for more?



Firefly -> RE: Poetic Alchemy-Comments III-NEW~The Masks We Wear (8/31/2008 0:04:30)

quote:

a very magic place.

"magical" makes more sense grammatically.

quote:

Where you are judged not,

Imo, I'd use the non-reverse order of "not judged" but it's your call. My personal preference is non-reverse order 90% of the time.

quote:

to create harmony on earth.

Imo, it might strengthen the poem if you capitalize "Earth." It gives off the feeling that it's /the/ world, the one world we all live in and stuff.

Lots of love as usual. I'm a bit tired right now, so sorry for the lax edit. Nice flow on this one. Keep up the good work. ^_^



garnetdragoness -> RE: Poetic Alchemy-Comments III-NEW~The Masks We Wear (8/31/2008 7:36:37)

Thanks again Firefly. "magic" was a typo....doggone it. I even had it written IN my notebook as "magical" *smacks head on wall. anyway it's all fixed.

2 New rhyme acrostics up! Battleon, Dragon Fable the 1st one is done in my typical AA,BB,CC etc. rhyme scheme. the 2nd starts off that way but with the 2nd word being an uneven number of letters I decided to change it up and do an A,B,A,B,A. rhyming every other line is something I don't normally do....BUT....I think it is something I will be looking into doing more of. [;)]



Firefly -> RE: Poetic Alchemy-Comments III-NEW~The Masks We Wear (8/31/2008 16:24:49)

Only one thing to say:

quote:

Blocking enemy blows and taking some spills.

Imo, this word sounds a little forced there, unless there's a meaning of it I don't understand. I have a fix, though it ruins the atmosphere of the poem a bit. "Blocking enemy blows, leaving blood to spill." Yeah, it makes it a lot darker... I dunno, it could work as is, just seems a little forced.

Otherwise, I liked them both. The flow was very well done.



garnetdragoness -> RE: Poetic Alchemy-Comments III-NEW~The Masks We Wear (8/31/2008 17:23:19)

haha, I only meant that as basically taking some falls (taking a spill can mean the same thing) as we don't always win every battle. in fact, I have lost count of how many favors I owe death at this point-hahahahaha. [;)]



garnetdragoness -> RE: Poetic Alchemy-Comments III-NEW~The Masks We Wear (9/3/2008 20:45:55)

New!! Looking Ahead



Firefly -> RE: Poetic Alchemy-Comments III-NEW~The Masks We Wear (9/3/2008 21:37:38)

quote:

I sit all alone, unknowing and unsure.

Imo, this word has been used a lot in this poem. Not sure if it's necessary here.

Sorry that's all I could find. ;) Good job; love the sentiment in it.



garnetdragoness -> RE: Poetic Alchemy-Comments III-NEW~The Masks We Wear (9/3/2008 22:00:21)

I changed it to "quite" but I only counted 3 places I use "all"......but all fixed.....oops...i did it again-hahahahaha! thanks ever so much! big hugs [:)]



garnetdragoness -> RE: Poetic Alchemy-Comments III-NEW~The Masks We Wear (9/8/2008 19:25:57)

New!! The Ascent



Eukara Vox -> RE: Poetic Alchemy-Comments III-NEW~The Masks We Wear (9/18/2008 10:13:46)

Forgive me for not checking in sooner, Madam Dragon. I have yet to have time to write my own stuff outside of the classes I teach, much less do any sort of leisurely, enjoyable reading. But this week is Limericks and Haikus, and you are my Poet in Spotlight for Class tomorrow.

So I went through and picked out your longer poems that fit the limerick structure. I want my students to see that a limerick can go beyond the single stanza format and into a longer, more interesting tale or concept.

The poems I am using, if Permission is still granted, are:
Make Believe
Legend and Myth
Letting Go
Day at the Beach
On Dragon's Wings
The Visitor
Lend a Hand

And I really liked Ascent. It is a beautiful story and poem.

And I noticed that you have rhymed acrostic! Lovely! *me dances for joy* So, I shall be returning to borrow you once again another week.



garnetdragoness -> RE: Poetic Alchemy-Comments III-NEW~The Masks We Wear (9/18/2008 20:38:43)

thank you Eukara! I am so honored to be featured in your class! use whatever you like! [:)] more rhyme acrostics to come soon and some more new rhyme structures too! just been really busy lately. so glad you liked The Ascent....it's long but I loved the story behind it so it was fun to write it.



Firefly -> RE: Poetic Alchemy-Comments III-NEW~The Ascent (9/18/2008 21:16:36)

quote:

Throughout the world he was well known.

I think comma after "world" helps with flow and grammar. ;)

quote:

A great and noble wizard, his heart was true.

Having both these words was a bit overkill for the flow. Also, poetry = short so unnecessary stuff can be trimmed. Also, "noble" is powerful enough on its own; great is a pretty cliched adjective.

quote:

gave him the might.

I don't think /the/ might works here, because the "the" is used when the might is used to preform a specific deed. But the next line talks about something else entirely, so, imo, it doesn't fit.

quote:

the master plan,

"master" plan sounds like it's the one big plan among a bunch of smaller ones. Is that what you intended, 'cause I seem to feel that "masterful" is the word you're looking for if you want to describe the plan as genius.

quote:

and ceased shed tears.

The two verb-like things threw me off. I thought it was a typo until I realized that "shed" was being used as an adjective here. Perhaps an oridinary "and ceased many their tears" or something?

quote:

Little did he know, a new ascention had begun.

"ascension"

quote:

His body glowed with a light bright as the sun.

You don't have to be that technical, but "light as bright" might make more sense. Or maybe a comma after "light" can do it without an extra word.

quote:

Toward the Heavens he rose, his pains were gone.

Hmm, to be really grammar-oriented, the comma after "rose" should be a semi-colon since it's joining independent clauses, but that's just being picky. =P

quote:

Facing each other in two rows, making a path to a door.

The double "a's" seem a little too big and slightly redundant. I'd perhaps change the second one to "the" It's a different tone that way, but it still works.

quote:

The door loomed closer and suddenly opened wide.

Seems to flow better without. Plus, -ly adverbs are not the strongest words around.

quote:

A detailed account of his era upon this Earth.

Isn't it on Lore? If you mean earth as in soil, then no capital.

quote:

To the worthy one, anothers time to shine.

"another's"

Loved it. Wonderful imagery and you seem to have improved your flow a lot. Sorry I couldn't find more. =P I'm a bit rushed atm, but I really enjoyed. The last stanza gave me shivers in how it repeated the beginning. Seriously, that stanza alone took this poem out from the realms of great and into the realms of spectacular.



garnetdragoness -> RE: Poetic Alchemy-Comments III-NEW~The Ascent (9/18/2008 21:34:56)

my goodness, thank you! will fix all your nitpicky stuff but you still misspelled "ascension" as did I because I used a t instead of an s.....i checked the dictionary....didn't do that the 1st time around-lol. I just assumed it was a t. but thank you again and I'm off to do some editing.

*all edited with the exception of "Earth" as I really didn't know how to change it without ruining that stanza. I only meant it as an in general kind of statement anyway.



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