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Baker -> RE: The Musings of a Life of Crime and Turmoil (Comments) (7/15/2009 14:48:57)
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I read some! I just read your two most recent ones, and I don't have much to change; they're both very nice. The only thing I would recommend is more punctuation, which I'm always a fan of. Unless you're purposely trying to make a point or leave things ambiguous, in my mind, leaving out punctuation just makes things more confusing.
For example, I kind of got lost in "Desert Flowers" because of the lack of punctuation. I had to reread the part from "How they bite at our feet" through the second "In the summer", because it wasn't clear to me whether "How they bite at our feet" was a thought of its own, or if it went with the first "In the summer". I think part of that is the breaks - I tend to think that a break without punctuation means that the sentence of idea is complete - but punctuation would also really help clear things up. It's totally up to you and your style, of course, but when the lack of punctuation is more distracting than anything I don't see a reason for it. The idea behind the poem is great, but it loses something when the reader is forced to reread.
Much the same thing with the second, untitled, poem, although nothing in there made me stop and rethink: I just wondered why you sometimes used periods and didn't other times, and never used commas. In that poem, the break between "Fought to keep you" and "alive" was great. Nice choice.
Keep up the good work! It's a shame that you can't post some of your stuff because of the language... it might be nice to have a separate forum or system (like spoiler tags) for pieces with some profanity, because many great poems and stories have "offensive" language/content that is important in making them meaningful. Or not, oh well.
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