RE: Fabulae - Sweet Delusions and Fatal Dreams - Comments - Update 5July (Full Version)

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gwoonjustin -> RE: Fabulae - Sweet Delusions and Fatal Dreams - Comments - Update 5July (7/5/2008 18:12:18)

That does not make it scary, at all. Again, this is more common than you seem to think.

EDIT: I claim this page in the name of endless discussions about miniscule details; the best ones around!
No page-claiming. - Cow Face



gwoonjustin -> RE: Fabulae - Sweet Delusions and Fatal Dreams - Comments - Update 5July (7/9/2008 11:52:25)

Chapter two scene two.

38:
quote:

The fact that he had to thank Charlie and Matthew for this novel experience didn't serve to lessen the miraculous aspects of it.

This sounds more like: He was forced to thank them. This would be clearer:
The fact that he had Charlie and Matthew to thank for this novel

39:
quote:

Alas, they were not and G.J. had to settle with a nudge delivered in between his ribs and served with a smile by his co-student,

I think a comma before the first 'and' is in place here.

40:
quote:

The rumour around the campus had that

I'd say remove 'The' and add 'it'
Rumour around campus had it that

41:
quote:

The rumour around the campus had that, around five years ago, Matthew had marched through the gates of the University, speeded with his parents high hopes and the highest recorded IQ ever, but after only two years worth of studies, he had dropped out, declaring that he didn't want to waste his life dusting away in shadowed libraries.

Split this sentence up. Tip:
Turn the bolded 'but' into 'however' and put a dot in front of it.

42:
quote:


Smiling victoriously and holding their pre-booked entry-passes high in his left hand, Matthew emerged from the ticket office, and the trio stepped to wait for their twenty-to-four-pm “flight”.

Assuming this to be the London Eye: Can you really pre-book for that?

43:
quote:

As his gaze swept along the river banks, he caught a sight of blazing flame of scarlet, advancing idly

a blazing flame of scarlet
or
blazing flames of scarlet.
To avoid 'a' repetition, preferably the latter.

44:
quote:

Why didn't I bring along my binoculars, he thought, frustrating.

Unless him thinking this frustrated the others, it should be 'frustrated'.

45:
quote:

Seeing a middle-aged couple photographing each other nearby against the city skyline, and their set of the optic device he was despairing for, left to lie on the wooden chair in the middle of the bubble, he brightened up.

Something in here is wrong.

46:
quote:


Thanking, Matthew grabbed the binoculars and lift them in front of his icy-grey eyes and peered through them to catch a better glimpse of that flame.

lifted
And: that flame would work better as 'the flame' imo.

47:
quote:

It took a few seconds before he found that figure into the viewfinder.

figure in the viewfinder

48:
quote:

A petite-looking woman with an abundance of bloody-red hair,

As bloody is an English curse word as well, 'blood-red' may work better here.

49:
quote:

Matthew let out a small gasp as her eyes turned upwards, straight at his direction, as if she saw him directly.

in his direction

50:
quote:

Though he knew it to be impossible, he still let the binoculars drop and placed them back on the bench,

Unlikely? Yes. Impossible? Not at all, imo.

51:
quote:


“Well, at least I'm not suffering from the fear of spiders, you know, acrophobia,”

I think you meant:
spiders. You know, acrophobia,"

52:
quote:


“No, you're mixing up the scientific terms. I'd expect more from you, with your 224 IQ and all,”

224 is really, really high. Don't overdo it.

53:
quote:

Somehow, he couldn't help thinking if his fair-headed friend would flip that blasted book out even in bed if his lady would dare to use wrong terms in the heat of the moment.

The word wondering would replace the word thinking here very well, imo.

54:
quote:

Somehow, he couldn't help thinking if his fair-headed friend would flip that blasted book out even in bed if his lady would dare to use wrong terms in the heat of the moment.

I just wanted to tell you my worries of his being an unfitting thought in the context still excist, even though you'll keep it in under the false impression it intimidates me.

55:
quote:

the dark-haired teenager muttered, turning his back to his grinning friend and tried to enjoy the perfect, almost aerial view on the Houses of Parliament and the Westminster Abbey leering behind it.

Awkward tense change allert!
and trying
And its all good again.

56:
quote:

Shaking his head, thus trying to reprimand himself with his stupidity to cling onto such fool's hope,

fool's=foolish?

I still like it a lot. Keep going.
Although the ending of this chapter was very sudden and odd.



Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Fabulae - Sweet Delusions and Fatal Dreams - Comments - Update 5July (7/9/2008 15:29:44)

Hi, going through your comments...

38) You're right. Changed.
39) Added the comma.
40) Changed as suggested.
41) The sentence has been split into two.
42) Yes, you can. They even recommend it. The point of the pre-booking is to avoid standing in the line for more than 15 mins. Check here.

43) Going with the latter option...
44) Oh, just a stupid mistake...Corrected. (frustrated) =P
45) I edited this to :
quote:

Upon seeing a middle-aged couple photographing each other against the city skyline, and their spare set of the optic device he was despairing for, he brightened up.

46) Corrected 'lift' to 'lifted'.
The second point... what do you want me to correct? You say you'd prefer 'that flame' but that's exactly what I've written!
?

47) Oddly enough, I find myself disagreeing here. He's slightly shifting the binoculars around to her into the viewfinder... If she already were in there, he'd only had the adjust the focus, not try to find her. So that's I'm sticking with the 'into'
48) Lol, I love that word... so sometimes I accidentally type out the 'y' with it, even when it's not needed... I love that old joke about a non-English guy ordering a beef in a restaurant. *oops, going off-topic* => The adjective has been corrected.

49) Preposition corrected.
50) Well, the distance is long enough to make it practically impossible for her to distinct him from the set of other people, all standing pretty close (from her perspective) one another in the capsule. That's why I'm sticking with the impossible.
51) I think you might be right. Corrected.
52) And G.J. knows that Charlie has a high IQ. However, since his memory on detail kinda sucks, he just came up with some really, really high, exact figure...=P
53&54) Changed to wondering, plus edited the sentence a little to avoid the current discomfort. =P

55) Lol, awkward indeed. Corrected.
56) I changed it to:
quote:

Shaking his head, thus trying to reprimand himself about his stupidity to launch onto such a fool's errand,


Thank you again very,very much for these!
I admit, the ending comes a bit unannounced. I'll probably look into it when I've written chapter 3, since I plan to read thoroughly through all three chapters as a whole then.

@},--,'--



gwoonjustin -> RE: Fabulae - Sweet Delusions and Fatal Dreams - Comments - Update 5July (7/9/2008 16:52:59)

Hi, reacting again...

46: No. You wrote 'that flame'. I prefer 'the flame' given the context.
47: It still is weird. The before he found already suggests he did not see her earlier.
52: To clarify the exaguration use something completely impossible in stead, as this is just the very smartest person alive. Maybe 364 or something. Maybe over a thousand?
54: IT DOES NOT INTIMIDATE ME!

Everything else you either agreed or went with something I could accept as 'correct' or even 'good'/'great'.
Be sure not to forget thinking about that ending, it really felt bad.
You're welcome[:D]
*Accepts rose*



Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Fabulae - Sweet Delusions and Fatal Dreams - Comments - Update 5July (9/26/2008 19:19:23)

Hi!

Where's My Rose? has been reposted and updated with one chapter, chapter number three.
Chap. 3 is very much of a transition chapter, somewhat shortish.

Shortcut to chapter number three: Red Roses for Revenge
Link to the story: Where's My Rose?

Enjoy!



Crimzon5 -> RE: Fabulae - Sweet Delusions and Fatal Dreams - Comments - Update 5July (9/26/2008 21:52:24)

Chapter 3:

quote:

Matthew decided to wait for her outside the flower shop. Perhaps he told himself that he was just polite, giving the lady her shopping peace,but


I see that the thumb hasn't pushed the button needed... (AK: spacebar)

quote:

Closing the book again, one word escaped Laila's lips, lingering a moment in the ambience before dying out,

“Perfect.”


quote:

“And I thank you again,” she answered with a soft tone in her voice and a curious look in her eyes that made Matthew forget all about the memory card that was now well on its way to sedimentate into the depth of his pocket.
Like my 'psychologizing' ... sedimentate doesnt seem to be a word. I suggest you replace. '...Matthew forget all about the memory card that was now well on its way to to the depths of his pocket'

There doesn't seem to be a need to seperate the paragraphs.

spoiler:

Heh, nice one on the curse. So lemme make another guess... the story's title is named so because the rose will be taken away because it will be an ingredient.



Firefly -> RE: Fabulae - Sweet Delusions and Fatal Dreams - Comments - Update 5July (9/27/2008 0:50:05)

Yay! Glad to see you reposting your prose. I got so excited that I started yelling Yay on the wrong place when I saw. It turned out... confused. <_<

I'm glad to see something inspired by art. I'm kinda busy tonight, so I didn't really start reading too much, but I have a few... issues... with the opening. It can be improved upon, imo.

quote:

In a dimly lit room, vividly blue eyes met the gaze of dilated orbs filled to the brim with insanity.

Hmm, shouldn't "dimly-lit" have a hyphen since it technically is acting as a single modifier here? Anyways, that's not the point.
The double -ly isn't the best, imo. First, it's repetitive. Second, -ly adverbs aren't very powerful. Perhaps "vivid blue eyes gazed a pair of orbs filled to the brim with insanity." I dunno, the original seems a little wordy. If you want to go the extra mile of trimming, perhaps take out "to the brim" as well. The opening sentence needs to grab attention and stuff, and two many words might not be the best idea...

quote:

A delicate hand pointed away to roaring, open, and malevolent sea.

"pointed away"? How do you point away from something? Is it pointing at or pointing in the opposite direction? I'm confused. Also, the three adjective aren't all necessary, imo. I think it's actually stronger if you keep only one of them but add an "a" in front: "A delicate hand pointed to a roaring sea" (roaring can be open or malevolent).

quote:

ever to be caressed by the swimming seaweed, ever to be teased by the playful mermaids, but never to be embraced by her.

Imo, more balance without the "the's" 'cause of the last part about her (which doesn't have a the)

quote:

Those painted, horrible eyes questioned the audience if they could feel her haunting pain.

Maybe "horrifying" is more fitting than horrible here, 'cause they're more horrifying than, well, horrible. =P I'd also put horrifying/horrible before painted due to how it's the more importan adjective, but meh, your call.
I think this might be better in terms of flow to split into two clauses. There seems to be too much going on in a single part. "Those horrifying, painted eyes pleaded to the audience, demanding if they could feel her haunting pain" (used demanding 'cause it's stronger, imo).

Gah, sorry, stopping here, have other stuff to do. Like the concept. Watch out for wordiness though. I'll read more later, maybe even more critique. But it's way too late now, plus, I have other stuff. Gah!



Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Fabulae - Sweet Delusions and Fatal Dreams - Comments - Update 5July (9/27/2008 15:23:23)

Thank you both so much about your comments! I was yayed thrilled to see such a quick response =)

@Crimzon:
Lol, true, the word 'sedimentating' was a completely made-up word. I was trying to translate a certain word into English but a guess that doesn't exist as such in this language. Anyways, I went with your suggestion with a slight alteration:
quote:

...that made Matthew forget all about the memory card now well on its way to the depths of his pocket.


I also added the space (good eyes!), lol, but I kept the separation into two paragraphs, since I want to have that specific word on a separate line for visual reasons.

spoiler:

Lol, let me just say that you have almost or completely cracked the code for the title of the story. You might still be surprised to find out how this actually happens...


@Firefly:
I'm so glad you told me about your issues with the opening, lol. I made some changes as follows:

1) (Added the hyphen =P) I agree on the double -ly, so I removed it from tainting the word 'vivid'. However, since changing from 'gaze of dilated orbs' to 'pair of orbs' doesn't get me rid of the 'of', I went on with this compromise:
quote:

In a dimly-lit room, vivid blue eyes met the gaze of dilated orbs filled with insanity.


2) Hmm, I tried to hint/describe the fact that her finger sorta points to the sea somewhere outside the frame. And thus I messed it up. Changed to:
quote:

A delicate hand pointed to a malevolent sea.


3) Excellent stylistic point. Thanks! Removed the 'thes' =P

4) *blushes in embarrassment* Corrected the adjective and changed their order. However, I'm a bit reluctant of splitting that structure up... Yes, demanding would be a stronger word than questioning, but, for me, that would sound too strong for her; she's insane and a prisoner, lost in her mind and in her unsure state, she's asking for understanding, for recognition, not demanding it. Hence, I left the rest to that sentence as it is.

*starts to sit around, waiting for more butchering =P*
*shivers in advance, knowing that there are a lots of far more wordy sentences to come =P*

Thanks again!



Firefly -> RE: Fabulae - Sweet Delusions and Fatal Dreams - Comments - Update 5July (9/27/2008 16:12:23)

Man, I really should remember to put numbers on my critiques. Somehow, I /always/ forget...

As for the yay thing... Let's just say that I said yay in front of someone with little to no knowledge of this forum...

Objection valid to my last point. I tend to like extra clauses, so it was more stylistic. And yeah, you know more about the painting than I do, so demanding might not fit. Maybe "pleading"? I dunno.

Hehe, I'm number one in wordiness. You'd think I should be better at self-editing. <_< =P

EDIT: I almost forgot to say this. Are you putting Avoiding the Inevitable back?



Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Fabulae - Sweet Delusions and Fatal Dreams - Comments - Update 5July (9/28/2008 6:24:50)

Hmm, I'll think over about changing the questioning to pleading. Can't decide at this moment...

To answer that last question, yes, Avoiding the Inevitable shall return. I'm just currently bashing my head against the wall whether I should edit it first and then post it or should I just post it right away in the same version it had before I took it down. I'm not planning a complete rewrite or anything like that. My plans are to improve the first and last two chapters, since those annoy me the most. =P



Crimzon5 -> RE: Fabulae - Sweet Delusions and Fatal Dreams - Comments - Update 5July (9/28/2008 8:33:59)

Response to the thingy in the spoiler tag: Heh, surprise me. And lso, because of this thread (and FF), I learned how to use a hyphen!



Firefly -> RE: Fabulae - Sweet Delusions and Fatal Dreams - Comments - Update 5July (9/28/2008 13:21:13)

Rewrites = uber annoying. =P Editing is also annoying, but not so much. For me, it starts off as editing, but I end up finding so many things wrong that I just end up rewriting it all, lol.

You can keep questioning if you like. It's not a big deal.

Well, I say it depends on how long it takes to edit. If it doesn't take too long, then edit first before reposting. After all, if you repost, once you edit, you'll have to edit the forum version with all the coding as well, which gets annoying at times.



Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Fabulae - Sweet Delusions and Fatal Dreams - Comments - Update 5July (10/7/2008 15:09:45)

Hi!

I reposted the first chapter of Avoiding the Inevitable.
This was my first story ever in L&L and I decided it needs some editing. Hence only the first chapter is here. I'll be adding the next ones as I have time to go through them.

The contents of the first chapter have not been changed. I've edited the writing a little by changing some sentence structures and words so that it would be less horrible to read now =P.

All comments are welcomed and loved to death, as usual!

@Firefly: I actually write the italics, bold, etc tags straight on to my text document, too. Suits the lazy me... =P



Firefly -> RE: Fabulae - Sweet Delusions and Fatal Dreams - Comments - Update 5July (10/7/2008 17:14:28)

I tend to not use the coding in my text document 'cause a) it automatically corrects things like the i's into uppercase and stuff b) I like the look in the doc. as is, =P For some reason, I don't find the coding that much of an annoyance, at least not compared to other writers. ;)



gwoonjustin -> RE: Fabulae - Sweet Delusions and Fatal Dreams - Comments - Update 5July (10/8/2008 6:13:09)

Heyas,

In between two perdiods at school I have like an hour off. I probably won't be reading your latest chapter now, but I just wanted to tell you I have seen it's posting and will get to it shortly.

(YAY!)



Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Fabulae - Sweet Delusions and Fatal Dreams - Comments - Update 5July (10/12/2008 5:49:54)

@Justin:
No hurry, take your time. My updating speed is currently /very/ low, anyways. I'll be equally happy when I get your comments regardless of the time-frame =P

@all
Reposted chapters 2 and 3 of Avoiding the Inevitable

Again, no changes on the contents themselves, merely editing the sentences. Most notably some excessively long sentences from the beginning of chapter 3 have been chopped down. Although, it's a matter of preference, if one thinks they're still too long... =P

I considered adding a paragraph or two about something that happened in Lux Alba's past in chapter 2, but decided against it. There's a slight chance those paragraphs might end up in chapter 4 or 6, though. Wait and see... =P




Firefly -> RE: Fabulae - Sweet Delusions and Fatal Dreams - Comments - Update 5July (11/9/2008 1:20:53)

Oh, boy, you're gonna hate me for this. Instead of reading what you tell me to and writing essays for every sentence, I've decided that I liked Rose too much to not just read and love. And love I did. The summary about revenge intrigues me. I'd read more than just the first chapter (which is where I am currently) if only I had the time and if it wasn't so late at night. I have around six windows open for stories I should be reading, and for some reason, yours is the one I clicked. Lucky you!

The unlucky part is, as strange as it may seem, I can't think of much but praise for you. I blame the late hour. Anyhow, your descriptions of the paintings are beautiful and vivid and you're good enough that I'm hanging onto your words, not at all bored, and picturing everything you're describing. It didn't seem too wordy or "was-y" (to be verb) to me at the first glance. Umm... what can I say?

Ah! I got it. Something felt a bit off with the first chapter, and I think it's the description. Your description of the paintings was beautiful. The setting and characters? Er, not bad, but not quite as impressive. I've got a good idea what Laila looks like, so good job there. But you could've described the people in the second scene in more detail. The setting... Hmm, y'know what I suggest? I suggest you make this real. As /real/ as possible. The paintings are real, aren't they? Then describe, name, detail, and give me every little bit of info you can squeeze in to the first scene about the museum that houses them. I want to know what the layout was like, modern/traditional, the crowds, the nationality of the guests, the exact location on Earth it is taking place in, ect... the realer the better. This might take some research in your part, but imo, it'll make this story much more solid. And for the second scene, better on the realism, but I felt like you were giving a taste, not the whole dish. I suggest you describe everything in more detail, especially people like me who aren't as familiar with Europe. I really want the /feel/ the atmosphere, and it's up to you, the writer, to make it come alive for me.

Anyhow, other than the above description issue, I really have nothing negative to say. there might've been a few grammatical and typographical issues, but they're so minor that my sleepy brain isn't allowing me to transcribe them.. Gah, lemme try.

quote:

Matthew said, turning his head away from the flickering light before continuing,

The last comma is probably better as a period. While it is possible to use as a speech tag, this stands alone as its own sentence fine.

quote:

Charlie who were anxiously waiting in the hall for him to return back to Earth.

"return" makes "back" really unneeded.

These were all that stuck out. I can't remember anymore. It's awesome. You certainly have me hooked with your intriguing characters and beautiful setting. There's so much fantasy in L&L that Earth is sometimes neglected. What a wonderful feeling, to be able to read this and go back to a world that is ours, except... darker. ;)



Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Fabulae - Sweet Delusions and Fatal Dreams - Comments - Update 5July (11/9/2008 9:59:31)

Hate? Noooo, I thank you so very much for your comments and giving time to this beginning of a story!

*loves your comments to death*

I agreed with both your findings about grammar issues. Although, I wasn't all happy how 'to return to Earth' sounded, (too plain without the 'back') so I edited that to 'for him to return to planet Earth'

Yes, the paintings are real as is the exhibition, held in London in 2006. So, I think I'll just have to dwell a little more in my memories and Google the museum map out to fish more details for describing the place. Now that you suggested telling more about the guest, etc, I remember one particular, elder gentleman leaning closer to inspect one of the paintings. I see what I can do to make the city more alive through description, as well. The idea was to use real locations as settings, even though the story does have its "fanciful" side (explaining this further now would be too huge a spoiler). I'm not sure at this point, though, how much the possibly unrealistic aspects will tear down the realistic side of the story.

I did not instantly start rewriting this, though, but I'll make sure to add to the points you said when I get back to writing. I am currently trying to make up my mind how to get from chapter 3 to events in chapter 5.

I did sketch what I thought would be chapter four already some time ago, but after typing around three to five pages, I understood that I was writing something that would better fit to the next chapter. Hence, the chapter number 4 is yet to be written.

Sincerest thanks for your comments once again, they really gave me some new ideas and made me see the future of this story more brightly now!



Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Fabulae - Sweet Delusions and Fatal Dreams - Comments - Update 5July (11/27/2008 12:27:59)

Chapter 4 - Reunion of Avoiding the Inevitable is reposted.

I added one scene to the beginning of the chapter. Basically it shows more clue-following by Zhoom. Otherwise, I killed some wordiness from the chapter - but not all =P

The last paragraph with the impossibly long sentences has been edited the most, I believe, from the old parts.

**

I'm having difficulties to decide whether:
a) to write all the rest of the edits to this story first or
b) to write the next chapter of Where is my Rose? together with edits to chapters 1-3 next or
c) to conjure up one short story that's been playing in my mind lately. It's called The Old Woman and the Dragon, it has fairytale spices and is basically "inspired" by the 'Children rule, adults are not so great'-thread in the literary discussion forum.... (to prove the opposite, lol)

Until I decide... read and enjoy and comment!



Firefly -> RE: Fabulae - Sweet Delusions and Fatal Dreams - Comments - Update 5July (11/27/2008 18:01:43)

I dunno if my suggestions are any help, but I suggest either A or B simply because working on too many things at once and starting something new might cause the writer to get less done. Plus, the art of the short story is so different from the novel that it might be hard to make the transition back and forth. I know that's what I've experienced: I wasn't able to write HotD for a while after writing some short stories, but now that I'm back in the mood for HotD, I can't seem to write short stories anymore. Of course, that's just me. Feel free to do whatever you wish, though I suggest the first two options.



Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Fabulae - Sweet Delusions and Fatal Dreams - Comments - Update 5July (11/28/2008 10:33:12)

@Firefly: Yeah, you are right about the distracting effect in working with too many projects. I sort of knew that already in me heart, but needed someone else to say it aloud. Thanks!

The thing that makes taking option C feel so tempting is because it sounds so logical that writing quickly a short story would take that story out of my head, helping to concentrate on A and B. However, 'short story' and 'quickly' are very unreliable points here. And so is 'taking it out of my head'. Lol, I've "finished" Avoiding once and here I am, editing my brains off with it =P

In addition, that warning about changing back from writing short stories to longer ones being difficult is a good one. Never thought of that. I trust you'd know =P


@all: So, I've decided to edit the Avoiding back here first. By Christmas at the very latest. The chapters 6,12 and 13 are the chapters with highest risk of a writer's block and wasted time since they need the most editing. However, as for now:

Chapter 5 -- The Fate of Zhenneh-ra -- has been reposted.

The beginning paragraph has been reworded and split into two. OTherwise, I've only killed some wordiness -- again not all =P -- and changed some words around.

Taking a break now, then attacking Re-visions and after spilling that First Blood, I'ma butcher some Heart of the Dark before facing my own story again. =P



Firefly -> RE: Fabulae - Sweet Delusions and Fatal Dreams - Comments - Repost 28Nov (12/6/2008 17:53:18)

I'm finally finished reading all you've posted of Where's My Rose? I'm really intrigued about where this is going and I hope you write more soon, asap after you finish with Avoiding, perhaps. You give away just enough info to keep us interested, without giving away too much. I have confidence that you'll tell us more about Laila's past soon.

The part I think you could've done more with is Matthew. I don't think there's enough of a solid reason why he's so interested in Laila. Other than the red hair and the clothes, which aren't the best reasons... I think you might be able to tweak the binoculars scene around a bit, have him see her doing something interesting (like photographing the swan, for example).

Overall, the problems with technical writing are mainly comma placements and wordiness. I'll cover that below, in analyzing the individual chapters.

Chapter Two:

I'll break this commentary into two parts. One is for the stylistic issues, such as unnecessary words, which are mainly what I found. The second part is typos/grammar. Anyhow, in the first part, I think you might've used too many words at times, sometimes making things confusing because I dunno how all the words and parts relate together.The following examples generally cover some aspects of this, so I'm using them as demostration to help you pick out the rest on your own sometime, lol.

quote:

Refusing to forfeit in a constant battle against the clouds, the April sun shone briskly from the azure-blue sky curving above the city.

I dunno if something can shine "briskly" I mean, the speed of light doesn't vary. Also, I think the ly adverb is weak anyways.
"blue" is probably not needed, since azure = blue.

quote:

His voice sounded so smooth as he continued, “It holds ancient wisdom offered to help those who have been wrongly treated in this world.”

Generally, I think describing the tone of voice should usually be avoided, just like -ly adverbs. Usually, readers can deduce the tone without you stating it. It's unnecessary most of time and tends to disrupt the flow of the dialogue more than anything. It's not really a big issue overall for you, but here was where it stuck out. The way it's phrased was slightly weak and I can't think of a fix, so I suggest you just take it out.

quote:

Shaking his head, thus trying to reprimand himself about his stupidity to launch onto such a fool's errand

I think "thus" is unneeded, because the formation of the sentence already relates the two ideas together.

quote:

Feeling more dead than alive among so many grim murder-stories and wicked spirits of old his imagination painted leering down on him, he ordered his feet to pick up the pace.

It might be just me, but this sentence made me really really confused until I read it over a few times. I think the way the description is integrated together got a bit confusing as to what applies to what. I suggest you take that part out to avoid the confusion. If you wanna go the extra mile of trimming "his imagination painted" can also go, but that might create confusing on the other end of the spectrum.

Typo/grammar services:

quote:

“I'm always up for trading. Runs in me blood. What do you have to offer?”

"my"? Also, I wouldn't put this on its own. I'd join it with the previous paragraph, if only because I'm unsure if ending a paragraph with a comma is acceptable grammatically. Maybe a colon to replace the comma in the end of the last paragraph is you /really/ don't want to join them.

quote:

Surprisingly, for the first time in Gareth's twenty-one years of roaming the Earth, he was in time.

"on" is probably the better preposition here.

quote:

while they waited for young Mr Henshall finish his business in the ticket office.

I think you need a period after "Mr"

quote:

the trio stepped to wait for their twenty-to-four-pm “flight”.

"stopped"?

quote:

Matthew turned to gaze the Thames and its steady, oblique flow.

I think you need an "at" between those two words.

quote:

and let out the affirmative with a slight Australian accent, “Sure. Go ahead, mate.”

Imo, I think the comma is better as a period because the stuff before can stand alone as a sentence. I'm not sure if this is a technical grammar requirement here.

quote:

Thanking, Matthew grabbed the binoculars and lifted them in front of his icy-grey eyes and peered through them to catch a better glimpse of that flame.

I think you need "Thanking him" or change to "Thankful" or something. I really don't think just thanking sounds right here.

quote:

claiming that his friend's morbid fear of creepy-crawlies would be counted among the most shameful phobias,

Imo, this can stand alone as a sentence and using the comma at the end of a paragraph isn't really optimum.

quote:

said G.J. grinning, as the flight neared its end.

I think the comma is misplaced. Before rather than after grinning probably makes more sense.

Chapter Three:

Roses... Ah, such lovely imagery. Anyhow, I didn't find as much typos/grammar here (or maybe I just got lazy, lol) so I didn't break this into sections. Same general comments as above: interesting plot and power that leaves me begging for more, but watch out for unnecessary/confusing words. Just some random thoughts here, mixed grammar and wordiness poking. =P

quote:

With a slight jerk, the elevator stopped at the fourth floor and slid its doors open.

I think the extra verb slid isn't necessary. What about a simple "and opened its doors"?

quote:

The windows faced a ludicrously tiny inner yard, thus giving only little light and leaving the far side of the room engulfed in shadows.

Imo, unneeded -ly.
I don't think this "thus" is any more needed than the other one I talked about in Ch2.

quote:

With a quick flick of the wrist she turned on an outdated table lamp that would probably have worked better as a vase than in its current purpose.

It doesn't hurt to put a comma after "wrist" for technical reasons, but feel free to bend the grammar if you don't want a pause there.
I don't think "in" is needed. It might be just me, but its existence confused me for a while. I think it works better without.

quote:

To her own surprise, seeing the ominously malice covers again made her feel watched.

I'm a bit confused. Malice is a noun--I dunno if you can use it to describe covers since unless the cover has a bleeding head on it or something, it's hard to make a cover full of malice. If you want to keep it, the adjective form is malicious. And I don't think ominously is necessary, considering how malicious things are almost always ominous.

quote:

To calm her nerves she stood back up, and stepped near the window where a tea-maker was laid on a fittingly-tiny table.

I think the comma is misplaced again. The part after the "and" isn't an independent clause, so no need for the comma there. The comma is probably better off hanging just after "nerves."

quote:

Like holding a door, the act of picking the flower up for her required no bravery from Sir Matthew,

Why is this a comma rather than a period? It's not even a speech tag so much as a regular action.

Overall, I /love/ this story and you absolutely /must/ write more /asap/ before I hunt you down! :D Your plot, characters, setting, ect. all interest me beyond words.



Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Fabulae - Sweet Delusions and Fatal Dreams - Comments - Repost 28Nov (12/6/2008 19:04:03)

Thank you sooooo very very very merry much for your comments, Firefly!

I read through them, and I have to say that I'm kinda inclined to agree with most of them. Especially about the lack of reasoning for Matthew to get so obsessed about Laila. Initially, this was one of the points I thought could be saved for later on, but I do understand it's a major unbelievability factor. I should provide some reasoning (or misleading=P) to the readers about this.

The one minor detail I'm objecting to straight away, is the dot after Mr; a point Gwoonjustin has also tried to reprimand me for =P. In UK spelling, there is no period after it according to my dictionary (Collins Cobuild). I'm desperately trying to write this in UK-English. Hence, no period.

Wikipedia claims that (in an article called Mister (Mr.)):
quote:

In the United States, a period almost always follows the abbreviated form of mister, in line with the standard practice of American English. However, in most Commonwealth countries and in Ireland, "Mr" is considered a contraction (since it includes the final letter of the original word), and therefore it is considered incorrect to put a period after it.



I'm currently trying to edit chapter 6 of Avoiding. After that, chapters 7-9 should be quite easy, so I'll most likely be doing some of the edits into Where's My Rose simultaneously. However, all new writing to the latter story shall be posted only after the former has been reposted.

In chapter 4, I'm presenting one more clue/bluntness =P about Laila's past plus I'm briefly introducing Matthew's sister Meredith. I really am hoping I would start my New Year's celebrations with posting that chapter.


Sincerest thanks again for your comments! I'll answer to them in detail as soon as I've managed to post ch 6 of Avoiding.



Crimzon5 -> RE: Fabulae - Sweet Delusions and Fatal Dreams - Comments - Repost 28Nov (12/6/2008 20:50:14)

Comments on chapter 5:

Scanning... scanning... I see A LOT of familiarities with the first version (well... duh!)
But since I have a reputation of spotting two words that dont have a space between them, let's do something new:

quote:

criss-crossing

Dictionary:
crisscross: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/crisscross
criss-cross: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/criss-cross
Spot the dif [;)]

quote:

the most cruel method

I remember the phrase 'the most dearest thing'. Was it in your story or Brynn's Oh well. Should most crule be cruelest?

quote:

jewellery

I know that you and FF hve the Canadian / European way of spelling stuff (colour, signalling, etc) but is jewelry really spelled like that in your place?

Will be back...



Firefly -> RE: Fabulae - Sweet Delusions and Fatal Dreams - Comments - Repost 28Nov (12/6/2008 22:54:32)

You're welcome, Fabula.

What you said about "Mister/Mr/Mr." makes sense. It can be seen as an abbreviation (Mister = Mr.) or it can simply be a contraction (Mister = M'r = Mr, if I'm making any sense here...). So, yeah, I won't point it out from now on. I /sorta/ had a feeling... but anyways.



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