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Brynn Summers -> RE: Stromy's Writings (12/27/2008 17:47:17)
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The Guardian Knave
Chapter 1
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He looked up at the finely dressed nobleman.
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He scoffed at the nerve of the boy dressed in filthy, lice-ridden rags.
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“Please, I beg of you, let me have just one coin!” the audacious young man exclaimed as he stood up, grabbing the nobleman’s waist from behind.
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A man who saw everything that had happened smiled from the shadows with approval.
Imo, this was awkward… “known” wasn’t right, and I just couldn’t figure out how it should work otherwise. The bold area is my suggestion, but I leave that up to you, of course.
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Bordering on anger, the leader cut him off, saying, “No harm is to befall the boy!
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“What’re you laughin’ at, Slater?”
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“I showed him, didn’ I?”
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Giving him a crooked-eyed stare as she inspected the silver piece, she asked him, “Tis real innit it?”
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Giving Franca a look of mock affront, Slater replied, as if ashamed at her for accusing him, “Franca, would I ever cheat you?”
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Ye gotta stop stealin’ stuff, Slater. Or ye’ll end up gettin’ yerself in trouble with the Crimson Sleeves.”
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The Crimson Sleeves were to the underbelly of the city as the DeFallow’s were to the good side of the city.
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To some, this tattoo was a sign of utmost honor; to others, it was the vilest thing that could be seen on a human being.
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Franca, as if she knew what he was thinking, shook a finger at him admonishingly, “Don’t ye be gettin’ any grand ideas, Slater.
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Apparently, the sailor had mistaken how willing the girl had been towards his advances.
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The man took pause, even in his drunken stupor he was able to understand what the blade meant.
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Everyone, except Franca because she had seen Slater do things like this more than a few times, just sat stunned whether they were drunk or no.
Imo, it flows better this way. Otherwise the two sentences seemed split in an odd way. But you can rearrange it however you wish or leave it.
Chapter 2
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Slater picked up his pint of mead and washed the pork down, filling his mouth with the cinnamon and honey-flavored mead.
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It wasn’t often cold, so Slater didn’t have to do it too often.
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He’d been trying to steal a loaf of bread, because he hadn’t eaten for three days.
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When he’d tried to swipe the loaf of wheat bread when a crowd came up, the shopkeeper had been watching him with suspicion.
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He was especially excited at what was in store for tonight.
You used “Slater” twice too close together. Imo, change this one to “He” to keep a better flow.
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Not that he minded being clean, he just wanted to be at the gathering on time tonight.
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These meetings were how Slater had learned all that he knew about intellectual topics.
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An unprecedented occurrence was happening; Sir Ulath, the highest advisor to King Demetrius DeFallow the Second, was coming to talk about morality and social issues.
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Slater put on the only clothes he owned which were suitable for such a gathering.
It flows better this way, imo.
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