gwoonjustin -> RE: Rough Edges: Comments (7/4/2008 8:49:59)
I have recently concluded I should read more, so here's to keeping promises to yourself! Plus this sounds like it could be fun!
scattered by bar fights or an inkling of sense that found its way through their alcohol-clouded minds
You may want to turn the 'sense' into 'common sense', to insure this is not about the five senses.
A once-merry hearth fire cracked on occasion,
I don't think the '-' is necesary here, simply:
A once merry hearth
The two remaining bar patrons sat alone,
If you were to change 'alone' to 'by themselves' it may be more obvious that they are not sitting alone together, as in with no one but eachother.
the man stole another glance at the tavern's sole other occupant.
She's not the sole occupant besides himself. There's the tender... Perhaps 'tavern's sole female occupant.'
Within the dull tavern light, her crisp, blue eyes shined like a diamond within unclear water, her skin a silky tan that brought out the beauty of her hair and eyes.
I'm thinking that comma might be better off being a semi-colon...
Her hand delicately waved auburn hair from in front of her almost intense, blue eyes.
Almost intense? That kind of a downer right there, because the word 'almost' gives the impression something impossibly great will follow, like 'almost perfect'. They can be almost intense, but I'd prefer "of her blue eyes, which were just a tint to dull to be intense". Though the original may have the effect you desired; I can't really tell.
"Thank you," she said with a smile as the barkeep delivered their drinks.
Their drinks? He's already delivered his, and then makes hers, only to deliver it after that. I'd say those are two seperate occacions, plus her thanking the tender for delivering both her drink and that of a complete stranger (however attractive) is kind of weird in this stage of the scene.
Black-tipped, triangular ears flattened themselves against his skull as he drank then perked up, aware for any strange noise.
Also, aware for any stange noise sounds kind of weird to me. 'scanning for any strange noise' could work.
Underestimation was on his side. Or so he thought.
Kinda souns like he expacts to underestimate... In stead, how about this:
Underestimation would strike her victim[replace this word with something more suitable if you please]. Or so he thought.
" 'Ey there, sugah," he said with a lazy grin. "Ya dun look like th' sort ta be hangin' 'round 'ere." Kitsune turned her body only a slight fifty degrees before staring and smiling at the man. She drew a light chuckle.
"You shouldn't worry about me. I can handle myself quite nicely."
"Ya never know when somethin' might 'appen."
Being a manipulator you must be a kind of actor. And I would assume this actor knows a thing or two about moderation. The first two bolded sentences may be a bit over-acted. Especially compared to the last sentence, which seems way more clear.
Kitsune watched as she saw the real face of the man-fox as he leaned in closer.
watched as she saw?
Thats like saying:
moves her legs as she walked.
It's just plain wrong.
Something like this could work:
...watched closely, as the real face of...
I have to leave right now. I'll continue ASAP.
The finishing touches:
Kitsune smiled as she pulled her foot up to adjust her high heels, but actually readied her own dagger.
The first part of this sentence needs some element of pretence, as this is writen from omniscient perspective. It cannot be unaware of her intentions at the start of this sentence, especially when it is fully aware of it only a few words later.
"An' ya jes' might find that I might 'ave a few tricks up m' own sleeve."
Avoid double 'might' by removing the second. Even in speech its annoying, and it doesn't seem like a thing for him to do anyway.
14:Quoteless: Watch out with overusing these: Sly, Fox, Chuckling, Feigning. Especially the first two. I understand especially in dialogue the importance of repetition, but don't overdo it.
"Nice meetin' ya. Can we say same place, same time?"
Even if he may be joking, it still needs a date. Like: same place, same time tomorrow?"
I like it! Nice to see a coplete lack of typo's here.