Gate into Darkness ~comments~Story finished

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Eukara Vox -> Gate into Darkness ~comments~Story finished (7/3/2008 4:13:39)
A year ago, a friend and I decided to write something together. We had RPed often together and wanted to see if we were as successful in a story as we were in an RP. At the time I was woefully inept at fight scenes and quite intimidated by them. So we struck a deal, he wrote the fight scenes and I wrote everything else. We had a very rough copy of the story and then RL difficulties on his end halted our project. Around Christmas, we decided to get this going again, when tragedy struck. My friend is no longer able to do the things he used to, be as active as he used to and this story was put on a dusty shelf. But, I have decided to honor him by putting this here. He had always intended on trying to get Approved and then we were going to submit this together. So, in honor of my friend, I have taken the rough copy, edited it and now present it to you. I dedicate this to Crusnik, a great friend and a creative person. Gate into Darkness, part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5

Crimzon5 -> RE: Gate into Darkness (7/3/2008 5:40:04)
Hmm... claimed for... well... everyone else is doing it... uhh... FUN?! Hi! This would be the 2nd of your works I've read (what happened to Kiss?) quote: Boom. Strange... I was expecting a 'boom!' quote: Assessing the situation, Elyra realizes her only recourse wss to begin her pursuit by way of the dirty street that ran by the back of the apartment buildings. I think you meant 'was'... after all, a and s are next to each other on the keyboard. quote: Swiftly turning to block Delilah’s second strike, Elyra miscalculated and the hilt of the vampyress’ second dagger connected to Elyra’s jaw. An audible crack sounded and Elyra, wincing in pain, stumbled backwards into the wall behind her. Shaking her head, she looked at the two vampyres in front of her and tested the tenderness of her jaw. Well, this will definitely hurt tomorrow morning. I think it should be an 'i', not a 'y'. Anyways... good work. A like vampire-stories.

Eukara Vox -> RE: Gate into Darkness (7/3/2008 10:13:05)
Well, thank you Crimzon. By the way, Kiss is still here. It is linked to Dragonfly Court. The spelling of vampyres is a personal thing. Not a typo. Fixed the other stuff. Yeah, an exclamation mark is needed after boom. What a stupid mistake!

Recar Dragonlance -> RE: Gate into Darkness (7/3/2008 11:44:20)
Hey, I love the title by the way...I accidently closed the tab so I'm gunna post what I remember... quote: I hate waiting for Ess to call with an update. That seemed forced to me, though it might just be me being silly. Maybe something else like "Why does Ess have to take so long with her updates?" Except better than my suggestion... quote: Pig. The lot of them. Pigs? quote: Elyra realizes her only recourse wss to begin her pursuit by way of the dirty quote: Elyra's wry smile lit her eyes for a moment before she proceeded to run. What does that mean? quote: This place is crawling with the city’s slickest, and most desperate. Maybe change the bolded bit to something more of an insult, rather than slickest and most desperate. The impression I'm getting of her at the moment doesn't really seem to be the person who would be that polite...But I might just be being wierd... quote: Delilah, being the faster of the two attacked first. Comma inbetween there. quote: Gathering herself and strength, she leapt up and Elyra vaulted off Does that make sense? quote: Leaping backward sand avoiding her attack, he landed ??? quote: Breathing hard and angry at losing one, she acknowledged that she had to let him go. That's not needed, I don't think. quote: A horrific throbbing in her leg forced her to look down at her leg and she swore audibly. Unnessacary repitition. I like this, though it does remind me of a comic book a lot...The fight scene was good and I like the main character! Yay! The last couple of paragraphs seem pretty unnessacary to me, the most I cared about, as a reader, was that her last thought was "Yelsef". The rest can be left out and you can just say that she did that last night in the next part. Other than that, it was really impressive. As always, well done!

Eukara Vox -> RE: Gate into Darkness (7/3/2008 11:49:35)
Thanks Recar, I will get on those. Posted a new short section of the story! Part 2 edit Wry: clever and often ironic or grimly humorous

Recar Dragonlance -> RE: Gate into Darkness (7/3/2008 12:03:40)
Next part... quote: appeared almost instantaneously.” Take them to That speech mark needs to be on take. Though it does seem more and more like a comic book story, it's a fun story. I like it a lot...The insight into the villians was good...I enjoyed reading about them...And it was nice to see a villian that cared about the people below him...Good installment!

Eukara Vox -> RE: Gate into Darkness (7/3/2008 19:40:12)
Thank you Recar. I find it interesting that this sounds like a comic story. Cool! Part 3 is out. Part 4 should be interesting for the reader and me. hehe.

Crimzon5 -> RE: Gate into Darkness (7/4/2008 6:39:03)
quote: Well, thank you Crimzon. By the way, Kiss is still here. It is linked to Dragonfly Court. The spelling of vampyres is a personal thing. Not a typo. Fixed the other stuff. Yeah, an exclamation mark is needed after boom. What a stupid mistake! You're welcome. And heh, don't go too hard on yourself about the 'boom' thing. In part 3: quote: "Stop it, Yelsef. Have your fun when we get back," Julian said cooly. You mean 'coldly', no? quote: Well, that explains last night’s run in with the two vampires. So is it with an 'i' or with a 'y'? quote: "What did I say? Wait till we get back!" Correct me if wrong but 'till' means 'dig'. I think you mean 'til... it's a shortcut for until.

Eukara Vox -> RE: Gate into Darkness (7/5/2008 16:39:51)
Crimzon strikes again! I do mean coolly when Julian talks there. The word can be used instead of dispassionate, disinterested or lacking in emotion. I mispelled it... I spell Vampyre with a Y. But since this is an old story done with a friend, I may have missed a few places. Yet again, my spelling is found out. Yes, it should be 'til. Oi!

Eukara Vox -> RE: Gate into Darkness (7/5/2008 21:54:01)
Hmmm, part 4 should be interesting, as I will be curious to see people's reaction to it.

Crimzon5 -> RE: Gate into Darkness (7/5/2008 22:32:59)
You make me sound like a threat stares at firefly... Heh, I'm a master when it comes to not-real words and shortened words like: 'cuz, 'til, gonna, etc. quote: “I love this woman, ‘Would I be given the ability to defend myself?’” Julian paused in front of her and looked into her eyes, smiling. The back of his hand softly swept across her uninjured cheek as his other hand deftly traced delicate patterns on her throat. ”I actually want the second option. Personally, you’re too beautiful to waste.” No critic here... just a comment. For some weird reason, I love this paragraph... makes me laugh for some reason... quote: Her inner being fought itself, one side craved that which Julian gave while the other was sickened. Both clauses are independent. A semi-colon (;) will do. quote: Then suddenly without warning, she felt like her body was on fire and knew that the fever was high enough to kill herr. Since this is not part of a dialogue... the excess r doesn't seem to fit.

Eukara Vox -> RE: Gate into Darkness (7/9/2008 11:10:03)
Final installment of this story is here! Part 5 I hope that those who have read it have enjoyed it to some extent. There is actually two other stories planned to follow this one, though they are entirely of my make. Crusnik and I never got to discuss the next part of the short trilogy. Oh and Crimzon, you are not a threat. I am glad that you have taken the time to read my story. And, I have appreciated greatly your input. Thanks a bunch!

Crimzon5 -> RE: Gate into Darkness (7/11/2008 7:00:17)
Ok, I read it. The end seems like a cliffhanger. ~~Is this story really over?~~ Oh.... trilogy...

Brynn Summers -> RE: Gate into Darkness (8/22/2008 20:13:41)
Here is my edit... quote: Shoving whatever it was he wanted into an inside pocket of his duster, he looked around the area, sweeping it for potential witnesses. quote: Eyeing the retreating shadows once more, she realized they were headed north. quote: Behind her, two daggers were drawn, and Elyra recognized the sweet sound of the duet. quote: Pulling her own daggers from their sheaths, they joined the song, and Elyra paused long enough for the scant light to reflect off the sliver blades and jeweled hilts. quote: Her foot connected with his abdomen, and he stumbled backwards. quote: Both vampires rushed Elyra, weapons drawn, and she realized she was trapped. quote: Before she knew it, the wall loomed close, and she had to think quickly. quote: Gathering herself, she leapt up, and Elyra vaulted off the wall and over the slashing vampyre. quote: A horrific throbbing in her leg forced her to look down, and she swore audibly. quote: Slowly, he descended the steps and the two men before him, on their knees, visibly trembled. quote: I need a suitable punishment, and now is not the right time to make such an important decision. ” quote: Julian watched the old man walk slowly towards Yelsef and kneel beside the weakened man. quote: We will get Her this time, and I will finally learn who has been the thorn in my side for years. quote: Struggling to breathe, Elyra tried to sit up only to be knocked back down by a blow to the face. quote: Tears poured down her cheeks, and Yelsef relished every one that fell. quote: Falling hard, her body was jarred upon landing on the ground, and she finally managed to scream from the pain. quote: Suddenly her mind reeled, and she tried to fight Julian. quote: Julian reluctantly released his hold on her, and Elyra crumpled to the floor. quote: The icy air chilled her skin, and she couldn’t understand why it didn’t affect Yelsef. quote: The nausea overwhelmed Elyra, and she closed her eyes while she was carried. quote: The darkness that followed each memory left her cold and lonely; only one voice filled that darkness, and she did not want that voice in her head. quote: Broken bones became whole, and her bruises slowly faded. quote: Touching her skin, he felt a thrill rush through his body, and he hungered for her. quote: But, I fear her greatly, and what she could still be capable of. quote: After a few minutes, her awareness began to heighten, and her memory recalled those final details before she slept. quote: Ess’ entire body shook as he watched the most deadly daggers in all of the city come close to his skin. quote: She placed her boot into the wound and dug her heel into it. I'm looking forward to reading more! I hope I didn't over do it! hugs Eukara

Eukara Vox -> RE: Gate into Darkness (6/2/2009 18:20:41)
I have finally addressed these. A shame Brynn isn't here to see that I did. Oh well, I am hoping that over the summer I resume this trilogy.

Gianna Glow -> RE: Gate into Darkness (6/5/2009 0:00:55)
quote: Rounding another corner, Elyra examined her surrounding and recognized where she was. Should be past tense to match the other verb. quote: “Now is not a good time Ess.” Snapping the phone closed, Elyra watched the approaching form in front of her. “Quite an evening, isn’t it?” she said quietly, replacing her phone in a pocket of her pants. Don't most people snap a phone shut? not closed? Just seems odd to me. quote: Swiftly turning to block Delilah’s second strike, Elyra miscalculated and the hilt of the vampyress’ second dagger connected to Elyra’s jaw. connected with? quote: Struggling to free one hand, Elyra finally plunged her dagger up into Delilah’s ribcage and rolled away from the vampyress. Delilah’s body arched violently and her breathing became labored. Quickly, the vampyress found that she couldn’t sit up and grasped the dagger by its jeweled hilt and ripped it out of her body. "and grasp the dagger by its jeweled hilt to rip it out of her body." Before, it sounded like she actually did manage to. quote: Feinting to the left, Yelsef moved to block her attack. In the middle of the action, she abruptly turned away from him and ran towards the wall. Yelsef roared in anger and chased after her, screaming curses. Gathering herself, she leapt up, and Elyra vaulted off the wall and over the slashing vampyre. Elyra should be a 'she' or be taken out. quote: The action startled him enough that he faltered. Elyra quickly pulled one of her throwing dagger should be 'daggers' wow.... thats all i'm doing for now. That was the first post. Hope it helps you!

Eukara Vox -> RE: Gate into Darkness (6/5/2009 2:34:27)
Corrections addressed. I hate those small things like missing a letter or a word choice that is awkward. Thanks GG. Oh and Delilah did succeed in ripping the dagger from her chest. At the end of that paragraph: quote: Short-breathed, Delilah held the dagger towards Yelsef, and cried out to him. The dagger rolled off of her palm, clattered onto the pavement, and she slowly sunk back down.

Brynn Summers -> RE: Gate into Darkness (6/6/2009 18:59:09)
I see that you changed them. Yay!

jerenda -> RE: Gate into Darkness ~comments~Story finished (6/6/2009 23:14:49)
Oh, is that what this is? I should have recognized the names. Bad Jen! smacks hand Well then, I for sure have to read it. Anyways, it was like a year ago. I don't remember enough of the plot to be spoilered. ^_^ goes to read

BrantePyrus -> RE: Gate into Darkness ~comments~Story finished (6/7/2009 20:29:20)
This is great! Euk, I do enjoy vampire stories where the humans are the good guys. After Twilight, this proves to be a breath of cool air, assuming I have time to get much farther then the first little bit anytime soon. I'll be back with more comments after reading more! The scene is bueatifully done, and it seems to communicate the image very well. This will be one of my main items on my reading list(list of books I'm reading all at once...). Again, this is excellent. Oh, I just realized I don't really have nearly enough CRITISISM to put the other C in... Oh well. I'll have some soon.

Gianna Glow -> RE: Gate into Darkness ~comments~Story finished (6/21/2009 20:09:58)
Ok, here I am for the long haul as promised! quote: Circling the two men as a vulture waiting for his next meal to die, Julian clucked his tongue. I personally feel "like" would be better than "as". When its stated this way, it makes me think Julian actually turns into a vulture. quote: Looking down on the man, a woman realized she recognized the face. The woman quote: “Take him to the doctor’s suite. And make sure that the good doctor does not dally in his treatments.” "That" seems superflous... it also causes my tongue to go through a mini-tongue-twister to say that sentence. It just doesnt flow as nice. quote: Amazing he is still conscious I would add a comma after "amazing". Otherwise I would say, "Its amazing that he is still conscious." either way seems better to me. quote: Tears flowed down his face as Yelsef grimaced. who's face? is it Yelsef crying or Julian? the way the story reads, i think Julian is crying. ok, there's the next post. Hope that helps! i'll work on the next section soon hopefully.

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