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Cow Face -> Mr. Johnson, County Taxman (7/4/2008 15:32:56)
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Comment Thread
Characters:
Mr. Johnson - Young man, wearing business suit. Has a lopsided grin on his face most of the time; very mussed-up hair.
Bartender - Can be either male or female. Older person, or at least middle-aged. Wears relatively nice clothes. Wiping a glass clean with a rag.
David Smith: Old Southern man. Wears a rumpled, but nice, outfit. Husband to Mary Smith.
Mary Smith: Old Southern woman. Wears a rumpled, but nice, dress. Wife to David Smith.
Chief - A older man in an immaculate suit.
Joe Evans - Man in overalls and plaid shirt. Should be the fast-talking sort.
Madame Kuckie (pronounced "Kooky") - Woman dressed up like a fortune-teller. Speaks with a Bronx (Brooklyn) accent.
Professor Williams - Very old man dressed like a college professor. Acts quite stern.
Stephens: Normal person, dressed in average clothing.
Extras:
Drivers
Pub patrons
ACT I
SCENE I
[Open curtain. Scene is a bustling highway, which is jammed with cars. A beaten-up, rusty coupe is in the middle of it all; a man in a suit, Mr. Johnson, is standing on top of it. Others are gathered around in various cars, leaning out of their windows and shouting at him.]
MR. JOHNSON: Could anyone please tell me which way it is to Littleton?
DRIVER: [Angrily] Get off the road, you idiot!
JOHNSON: Come now, all I need to know is how to get to the city of Littleton!
DRIVER 2: [Panicked] What're you doing!? You nearly killed us all!
JOHNSON: But... But... I just need to get to town!
DRIVER: Well, get off the road!
DRIVER 3: Yeah, get off!
[Johnson sputters, then opens his car door and walks off-stage.]
DRIVER: [Calling to off-stage] Hey! Hey! What about your car!? You...! Never mind...
END OF SCENE 1
ACT I
SCENE II
[Scene is a small pub. Patrons are sitting around tables, chatting. Johnson is speaking with the bartender.]
BARTENDER: You say you want to see Mister and Missis Smith? What for, you their grandson or something?
JOHNSON: Oh, no. I'm Mr. Johnson, County Taxman. They're very late on their taxes, and I need to speak with them.
BARTENDER: Well, old Dave's usually out hunting in the woods, or tinkering in his garage. Mary's usually in the kitchen cooking. They're your typical old couple.
JOHNSON: Well, thank you very much. I guess I'll just-
BARTENDER: Oh, something you should know. Don't walk too quickly up to their porch. Mary might think you're a burglar, and sick the dogs on you.
JOHNSON: [Gulps] D-d-d-dogs?
BARTENDER: Oh, sure! Lessee now, they've got two Dobermans, a Shepherd, three Boxers, a pit bull, and some Rottweilers.
JOHNSON: I... I see. Well, I, uh, guess I'll just go, then.
BARTENDER: Wait, I'm not finished. They've also got a Chow, some Great Pyrenees, and a Bordeaux Mastiff.
JOHNSON: [Nervously] Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Is... there anything else I should know about?
BARTENDER: They also have a Bichon Frise. Hey, are you alright?
[Johnson faints. Close curtain.]
[Scene is a small backyard; assorted junk litters the yard. Open curtain. Johnson enters from stage left.]
JOHNSON: What an odd assortment of... antiques these people have.
[Sound of a gunshot is heard.]
JOHNSON: [Very frightened] What was that!?
[David Smith enters from stage right.]
DAVID SMITH: Gall durn it, I thought you was a quail.
JOHNSON: You thought I was a what?
DAVID: A quail! You know... [David imitates a quail.] Like that!
JOHNSON: Oh. I see. Well, at least you didn't hit me.
MARY SMITH: [From off-stage] Oh! A robber!
DAVID: No, Mary, it's-
[Sound of many dogs barking angrily.]
[David exits Stage Left]
DAVID: [Off-stage] Back! Back, you good-for-nothing varmints!
[David returns. Mary Smith enters, stage right.]
MARY: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were a robber.
JOHNSON: [To himself.] First, a quail, then a robber. [Aloud] Pleased to meet you. My name is Johnson. Mr. Johnson, County Taxman. I presume you are Mr. and Mrs. Smith?
DAVID: Yup. I'm David, and she's Mary.
JOHNSON: So it would seem. I'm afraid that you're very late on your taxes, and-
MARY: Oh, no. We're not late, the county's late.
JOHNSON: Er... What?
DAVID: That's right. See, we can't pay our taxes right now.
MARY: We need that one form.
DAVID: Yep, we need an X-1032Z. We asked for one a while back, an' the county never gave us one.
JOHNSON: An X-1032Z? I've never heard of that.
MARY: You look young, have you been a taxman long?
JOHNSON: No, I only started a week ago.
DAVID: Well, there you go. We need an X-1032Z so we can fill out our V-234121.
MARY: And after that, we have to send them that 103-G that they need.
JOHNSON: [Confused] Wait, I've never heard of any of those! Are you sure that-
DAVID: [Interrupting] And once we've sent in all of those, we have to wait a few months for the county to send us a 42-A, a 42-B, and a 42-C.
MARY: Yep, then we fill those out, and send them in, and they send us back our X-1032Z.
JOHNSON: I've never heard of any of this! And the process is simply ridiculous!
DAVID: That's a burro-ocrazy for you.
JOHNSON: That's a what for who?
MARY: It's a form of government using bureau drawers, I think.
JOHNSON: Never mind that. Who told you all of this?
DAVID and MARY [Together]: The old taxman!
[Johnson pulls out a cell phone and dials.] Hello, chief? It's Johnson, sir. Yes. Yes. Yes. No. Yes. Yes, sir! I have a question, sir. I need an X-1032Z, a V-234121, and a 42-A, B, and C. I know you haven't heard of those, sir. No sir, I like my job very much, sir. No, sir, I don't like the idea of living on the streets. Yes, sir, I'll stop acting like an idiot right away, sir. Good-bye, sir. [Johnson hangs up the phone.]
DAVID: Well, sounds like you got that settled right quick.
JOHNSON: It... It does? But the chief said that he'd never heard of an X-1032Z, V-234121, or any of the 42s!
MARY: They must have changed them, then. Why don't you head up to the county tax office, dear? I'm sure they can settle that right away.
[Johnson nods, begins to walk off, then turns back around.]
JOHNSON: Wait, I'm from the county tax office!
DAVID: Then can you fix our problem? See, we need an X-1032Z so that we can...
JOHNSON: You already told me that!
MARY: Then can you fix our problem?
JOHNSON: What problem!?
DAVID: We need to get an X-1032Z. Talk to the folks up at the county tax office about it.
[Johnson nods, begins to walk off again, then gives a shout of distress and runs back to the Smiths.]
JOHNSON: [Distressed] No! I'm from the county tax office!!
DAVID: Then, can you fix our problem?
JOHNSON: Yes! Wait, no! Wait, yes! I... I... Ack!
[Johnson runs off-stage, screaming in confusion.]
MARY: He was a nice boy, wasn't he?
DAVID: Yup. He was a nice boy.
MARY: Almost a shame we had to run him off like the old taxman. He was a nice boy, too.
DAVID: Yup. They say he's doing right well now, his therapy sessions are doin' a whole bunch better.
MARY: He was a nice boy.
[Close curtain.]
END OF SCENE II
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