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Master Samak -> RE: The Last Stand: Comments Thread (7/13/2008 23:14:38)
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Chapter One: The First Encounter
1. quote:
Countries from all over the World started construction on the Space Fleet of Earth, SFE for short, 5 years earlier. The word "World" should not be capitalized. --- Also, adding "...world had started..." may help.
2. quote:
It was complete now, it was in high orbit defending Earth. To remain true to the present tense that was given, "was" needs to be "it". --- Also, the "it was" seems unnecessary here. I would remove it. Very much remove it.
3. quote:
It started like any other day on the bridge of the Bonyo: everybody was doing their duties as any regular day. It had already been established that it was like any regular day. I would remove this bolded part.
4. quote:
Of course nobody on the ship knew it. There should be a comma here: "...course, nobody..."
5. quote:
The alarms started blaring as the crew was waking up. Having this without "The" is an alternative...
6. quote:
I repeat this is not a drill! There should be a comma here: "...repeat, this..."
7. quote:
“I count ten command ships - twenty support ships, Sir,” yelled the radar operator. This could very easily be replaced with "and". Still, it is your decision...
8. quote:
Some were the shape of Planets - others long and wide like a large can. The word "Planets" shouldn't be capitalized. --- Also, the dash would be better off, in my opinion, as a comma. --- Also, I'm unsure, but there may need to be a comma here: "...wide, like..."
9. quote:
The enemy hit the engines, they exploded, destroying the ship. The word "enemy" was already used. Also, the comma would be better as a dash. Totally, I'd suggest this: "The engines were hit – they exploded, destroying the ship."
10. quote:
Most of the fighters didn’t make it because they got caught up in the shockwave of the destroyed ship. The word "up" is not needed here. I would delete it.
11. quote:
“That, Gentlemen was an account from a survivor of the battle.” Admiral Dorling bellowed as he was paced around the conference room on board his command ship, Geneva. "Gentlemen" shouldn't be capitalized. Also, there should be a comma after it. Here: "That, gentlemen, was an..." --- Also, "the" could be "that". --- Also, because the Admiral is talking, the period should be a comma. "...battle,' Admiral..." --- Also, having "was" doesn't make sense in the sentence. I'd remove it.
12. quote:
The Geneva was a dagger shaped ship, as were all of the ships in the fleet, the bridge was at the far back of the ship barely raised above the hull of the ship. Because of the change in thought, this comma needs to be a period: "...fleet. The bridge..." --- Also, the word "was" would make the rest of the sentence grammatically incorrect. I'd take it out. --- Also, using the first "of the ship" is not required because, in my opinion, it would be better at the end. I'd take it out.
13. quote:
The Hangar was dead center in the top of the ship. This would be slightly repetitive, so I'd change this to, "...in the ship's top."
14. quote:
“Sir, I don’t believe that ships just came out of no where,” grumbled Captain Soule Because this is in formal speaking, "came" should be "come". --- Also, "no where" should be "nowhere". --- Also, there should be a period after "Soule" to end the thought.
15. quote:
“I think that the ship must have had a malfunction, sending all those people to their death.” Changing "the" to "our" would help prevent confusion to the reader.
16. quote:
Even though the destruction happened weeks ago. The survivors just made it back the day before. These are two similar thoughts, therefore, they should be connected by a comma: "...weeks ago, the survivors..."
17. quote:
I bet you are wondering who I am; well let me introduce myself my name is Commander Corda, “Strike” to my friends and enemies. The semicolon would be better as a period. --- Also, the "well" should be capitalized and should have a comma after it. --- Also, there should be a period between "myself" and "my". In total: "I bet you are wondering who I am. Well, let me introduce myself. My name is Commander Corda..."
18. quote:
During my story I will be mostly acknowledged as Evergreen Leader or later in my story as Captain. It may be best if these names are put in quotes.
19. quote:
I am taller and I have brown hair, some stubble on my chin. "taller" should be "tall". --- Also, there should be an addition here: "...hair, with some..."
20. quote:
“That is the most idiotic thing I think I have ever heard, Captain.” the Geneva’s head engineer piped in. Because it is about to be explained who is speaking, the bolded period should be a comma.
21. quote:
“I didn’t hear anybody say anything better,” growled the Captain slumping over the table with a scowl. Because of a similar transitional thought, there should be a comma between "Captain" and "slumping".
22. quote:
We heard what happened, Sir, the unidentified ships destroyed the ship.” bellowed Lt. Harper. It would be better if "the ship" is changed to "ours'". --- Also, because the Lt. is bellowing, it would be best if the period is changed to an exclamation mark. If not, then that period needs to be changed to a comma.
23. quote:
“What is it, Sir?” I asked leaning forward in my chair. There should be a comma between the two bolded words.
24. quote:
“It is from the bridge,” he said not looking up “It says there are unidentified ships moving into the Moon’s range.” There should be a comma between "said" and "not". --- There should also be a comma between "up" and "'It". --- Also, I'm unsure if "Moon's" needs to be capitalized.
25. quote:
I repeat all personal to battle stations! There should be a comma between the two bolded words.
26. quote:
The Admiral picked up the Comm. Link and whispered something in it. Because this is a speaking device, it may be best to replace "in" with "into".
27. quote:
He turned to me and commanded “Commander get your fighters ready for battle.” There needs to be commas here: "...and commanded, 'Commander, get your..."
28. quote:
“Sir, yes, Sir!” I yelled saluting. There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.
29. quote:
I turned to run to the hanger bay. I pulled my communicator out telling the mechanics to get the fighters ready. There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.
30. quote:
“Sir, your ship is ready and primed for battle.” the head mechanic yelled over the loud whining of fighter engines starting up. The bolded period should be a comma. --- Also, this last part is repetitive. I'd change it to "...whining of the fighters."
31. quote:
“Good, carry on and tell my squad to launch when ready!” I yelled to him while putting on my flight helmet. It would help if you added, "...I yelled back to..."
32. quote:
“Yes, Sir!” he yelled over his shoulder at me as ran to the protection of the Mechanics room. The word "yelled" has been used too much. I'd change this to "shouted". --- Also, this would be better as "...at me, running to the...". If not, then it has to be "...me as he ran to...". --- Also, "Mechanics" needs to be "Mechanic's".
33. quote:
“All four lit and ready to roll.” I breathed into my radio running my eyes over the status reports rolling on the screen in front of me. The bolded period needs to be a comma. --- Also, there should be a comma between the two bolded words.
34. quote:
“Alright Evergreen leader your squad is good to go,” replied the control operator. There needs to be commas on both sides of "Evergreen leader".
35. quote:
“Evergreen lead to Evergreen squad, let's light these candles!” I said punching the accelerator on my fighter. This should probably be "leader". --- Also, since the fighter is about to be mentioned after this sentence, it would be best that this is deleted.
36. quote:
My fighter was a standard fighter in the fleet it had short wings that went up in front of the cockpit like a V most were colored black with the squad color on the front most part of the wings. There needs to be periods inbetween the two pairs of bolded words.
37. quote:
My squad seemed to be the first of the fighter squads out on into space. I really think that "on" should be removed.
38. quote:
Passing the bridge of the Geneva we saw the rest of the fleet changing vectors toward the moon. There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.
39. quote:
“Green Leader to Geneva, contacts in all sectors, I count 20 ships in all.” I reported looking down at the small radar built into my ship. The bolded period needs to be a comma. --- Also, there needs to be a comma between "reported" and "looking".
40. quote:
“Copy Green Lead, watch the friendly fire.” replied the radar operator aboard the Geneva. There should be a comma between "Copy" and "Green". --- Also, "Lead" probably should be "Leader". --- Also, the bolded period needs to be a comma.
41. quote:
I was about to answer but the weapons on the ship opened fire. There may need to be a comma between the two bolded words. --- Also, it may help to be more descriptive with the ship. I'd add, "...on the enemy ship opened..."
42. quote:
“Let’s go, Sir!” yelled Evergreen 2 whose ship took the lead anxious to fight. There should be a comma between the two pairs of bolded words.
43. quote:
“Right, attack formation, we are going straight through,” I ordered warming up my lasers for the battle. There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.
44. quote:
The command crew was running around the bridge getting orders to all the battle stations. There may need to be a comma between the two bolded words.
45. quote:
“Humans we have come to take over your pitiful little planet,” snarled the Vong commander. There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.
46. quote:
Though it didn’t sound like English was his language. The word "Though" is grammatically incorrect here. I would take it out. --- Also, it would be best if a better description was placed on the language part. "...was his native language."
47. quote:
“Not if we can help it!” yelled the Admiral slamming his fist onto the board in front of him making small sparks come up from it. "yelled" has been used too much. I'd change it to "retorted" or something like that. --- Also, there needs to be a comma between "Admiral" and "slamming". --- Also, there needs to be an addition here: "...of him and making small..."
48. quote:
The laser turrets whirled to face the enemy ship and fired. It may be best to change this to "targeted", since the word "enemy" will be used shortly after.
49. quote:
The ship kept advancing. Their weapons doing damage to many of our ships at such close range. There needs to be a comma, not a period, between the two bolded words. --- Also, I would remove "such", to make it more formal.
50. quote:
The enemy ship then stopped for an unknown reason. This sentence doesn't seem to be written well, in my opinion. I'd rewrite it as, "For reasons unknown, the ships suddenly stopped not moments later.
51. quote:
“Wow that was easy, pass it onto to all the other ships in the fleet what to do.” ordered the Admiral amazed. There needs to be commas between the two pairs of bolded words, as well as with the bolded comma.
52. quote:
What was breached was an outer layer of shielding. Don't take offense, but this sentence also seems to be worded poorly. I would rewrite it as, "Only an outer layer of shielding was breached."
53. quote:
“Breaker leader take out that ship before it destroys the Admiral,” I commented over my radio maneuvering my fighter to intercept the incoming ship. Because all the other times were capitalized, "...leader take out..." needs to be "...Leader, take out..." (note the comma) --- Also, there needs to be a comma between "radio" and "maneuvering". --- Also, it would make more sense if you changed the last part to, "...maneuvering my own fighter to intercept it."
54. quote:
“Good idea Evergreen lead, attack formation delta,” ordered Breaker Leader who had his fighters going away from the ship to protect the Geneva. "lead" needs to be "Leader". --- Also, there needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.
55. quote:
“Forget formations my squad is going straight in, see you on the other side,” I replied hitting the buttons on my control stick for my lasers. There needs to be commas between the two pairs of bolded words. --- Also, the bolded comma needs to be a period.
56. quote:
My lasers tore into the engines. It would be repetitive if "My lasers" was used again. I'd replace it with "Blasts of light" or "Beams of light".
57. quote:
The ship slowed and finally the Breaker squadron came and finished it off. The word "finally" isn't necessary. I'd take it out.
58. quote:
“Damage report,” growled Captain Soule coughing from all the smoke that had started pouring into the bridge. There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.
59. quote:
As a result it was taking the most damage. There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.
60. quote:
“The fighters report a break through, warn the Geneva,” said the Executive Officer trying to fix the Communication systems that had just gone out moments before. This should either be "breakthrough" or just "break". --- Also, there needs to be a comma between the two bolded words. --- Also, the last part, the "moments before", is not necessary. I would take it out.
61. quote:
“I don’t think we have to worry about warning them, Sir, because they are already here,” the radar operator said looking worriedly at the half broken radar showing more friendlies coming to the sector. There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.
62. quote:
“Evergreen squad lets help push these idiots back,” I commanded hitting the accelerator on my fighter. "squad" may need to be capitalized. --- Also, there needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.
63. quote:
The fighters that remained fell into line with the newcomers. This could be "in" also.
64. quote:
To the right the Rebellion took a direct hit. There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.
65. quote:
The engines exploded destroying the ship. The shockwave created damage to the ships around it. This could be shortened: "The ship exploded, damaging the ships around it."
66. quote:
“Sir, shields down to 20% we have to pull back or be destroyed!” yelled the Executive Officer on the Geneva ducking down so he wouldn’t hit his head on the beams that had fallen on the bridge. There needs to be a period between "20%" and "we". --- Also, there needs to be a comma between the last two bolded words.
67. quote:
Wait, the enemy is pulling back!” exclaimed the radar operator throwing his hands in the air in celebration. "pulling back" was already used. I would replace it with "retreating". --- Also, there needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.
68. quote:
It seemed that we had won this round. Then a laser beam struck the Geneva. Perhaps having this be, "...this round, until a laser..."?
69. quote:
“Evergreen Lead to Geneva, come in Geneva,” I barked into my radio hoping the ship would here me. "Lead" should be "Leader". --- Also, there needs to be a comma between the two bolded words. --- Also, "here" should be "hear".
70. quote:
Smoke poured out of it blocking my view. There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.
71. quote:
“Where do you guys think you’re going?” I asked my squad moving my fighter to go to the Geneva to see what I could do to help there. There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words. --- Also, "there" is not needed and should be taken out.
72. quote:
“Evergreen squad the Shoganute could use your help,” ordered a new voice over my radio. "squad the" should be "Squad, the". --- Also, I think "requested" would be a better choice.
73. quote:
“Copy, that,” I answered looking down at my fuel gage that was dangerously close to empty. There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words. --- Also, "that" could be "which".
74. quote:
Though orders where orders. This should have a comma and/or should be "Still, orders..."
75. quote:
Shoganute was the newest ship in the fleet built by Japan with hopes that they could build a ship that would help the fleet have the power that Japan had in the old days. There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words. --- Also, all of those bolded words could be replaced with "it".
76. quote:
It was put in charge of guarding the ship yards on the far side of Earth. This should be one word, "shipyards".
77. quote:
“I hope that didn’t get the yards, or we could be out about 20 ships,” said Evergreen Green 2 who was slowly moving to the shipyards to conserve fuel. The word "about" isn't needed. I'd remove it. --- Also, there needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.
78. quote:
“Nice to see you Evergreen Squad, but we don’t need your help with this ship,” said Captain Ryo who sounded un-happy to see us, There needs to be a comma between the two pairs of bolded words.
79. quote:
“What we need, is for you to escort the ship yards to Mars.” The bolded comma shouldn't be there. I'd remove it. --- Also, "ship yards" needs to be one word.
80. quote:
“I don’t think we have enough fuel for that Ma’am,” I replied looking down at my fuel gauge. There needs to be commas between the two pairs of bolded words. --- Also, "replied" will be used in the next sentence, and in my opinion, it is better there than here. I'd change this to "said".
81. quote:
“Oh, well dock with the Intruder you can get your fuel there,” the Captain replied again sounding aggravated There needs to be a comma between "well" and "dock". --- Also, there needs to be a period between "Intruder" and "you". --- There needs to be a comma between "replied" and "again".
82. quote:
“Let’s help the Shoganute and send a couple of torpedoes into the side of that frigate,” I commanded launching two torpedo’s at the enemy. There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.
83. “quote:
Evergreen's dock in bay 3,” said the radio operator aboard the Intruder. I think this needs to be "Evergreen, dock..."
83. quote:
“Copy that, why are you guys going to Mars when we need you the most here?” I asked latching onto Evergreen Two who had run out of fuel. There needs to be a comma between the two pairs of bolded words.
84. quote:
“We are moving the ship yards there so they will be out of trouble,” he replied. This should be "shipyards". --- Also, "trouble" may be better as "danger".
85. quote:
Well I knew there was also a top secret project going on there so I thought that made sense. There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words. --- Also, it may be best if "that" was changed to "it".
86. quote:
We got in and the docking bay doors closed with a load thud and I heard the engines start moving the heavy ship yard. "load" should be "loud". --- Also, it would be best to change "and" to a period to prevent overloading of the sentence. --- Also, this should be "shipyard".
87. quote:
“Well I hope the Geneva will be able to be repaired quickly,” said Green Four pulling of his flight helmet. There needs to be commas between the two pairs of bolded words.
88. quote:
From the looks of the ship it would takes days to repair the damage. There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.
89. quote:
“All personal prepare for the jump to light speed,” the ships speakers announced. I think "personal prepare" needs to be "personel, prepare". --- Also, "light speed" should be one word.
90. quote:
It wasn’t really military outpost it was more of a civilian installation. This should be "...really a military outpost, it was..."
91. quote:
Though on the Far side of Mars there was a Military research facility the men and women there helped us come up with new ship designs and weapons. "Though" may need to be "However,". --- Also, there needs to be a period between the two bolded words. --- Also, to stay formal, "helped" needs to be "help".
92. quote:
“Remember way back in like 2007, it took us nine months to get to Mars now, it just takes a matter of hours,” said Green 7 sitting down near his fighter and looking around. There needs to be a comma between "Remember" and "way". --- Also, this needs to be "...get to Mars. Now it just...". --- Also, there needs to be a comma between "7" and "sitting".
93. quote:
Earth had come a long way to get to where we were now. Sticking with "Earth", this needs to be "it is".
94. quote:
“Back in 2007 we didn’t even have a military outpost on Mars,” I remarked laughing. There needs to be a comma between "2007" and "we". --- Also, it would be a whole lot easier if "remarked laughing" was just "laughed".
95. quote:
“That is also true but we are here now with more threats then ever before,” commented Angel Leader stepping out of the shadows of the corridor. The word "also" isn't necessary, and it doesn't make sense. I'd take it out. --- Also, this should be "...true, but..." --- Also, there needs to be a comma between "Leader" and "stepping".
96. quote:
“Well, Well if it isn’t Lt. Mineheart, last I heard you were the head Angel Squadron,” I said thoughtfully looking over to her and remembering many good memories. The bolded "Well" needs to be decapitalized and should have a comma after it. --- Also, there needs to be a period here instead of a comma. --- Also, there should probably be an addition of "...head of Angel..." --- Also, there needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.
97. quote:
“Who said that I still am not?” asked Lt. Mineheart walking into the large docking bay. There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.
98. quote:
“Your fighters don’t look any worse for the wear” she commented looking over at our fighters. There needs to be a comma after "wear" and also between the two bolded words.
99. quote:
“Is it true that the Geneva was destroyed?” she asked turning serious. There needs to be a comma betwee the two bolded words.
100. quote:
No, but it will take a while before it is repaired though” I answered looking up. "though" should be deleted. --- Also, there needs to be a comma betwee the two bolded words.
101. quote:
“We are going to have to pay them back!” yelled Evergreen 6 standing up and putting his hands into a fist. "have to" needs to be deleted. --- Also, there needs to be a comma betwee the two bolded words.
102. quote:
Just as he said that the ship rumbled and out of the loud speakers came There needs to be a colon after "came" to express a following.
103. quote:
“All fighter pilots get to your ships we have enemies incoming!” There needs to be a comma between the first two bolded words. --- Also, there needs to be a dash between "ships" and "we" to express abrupt additional thought.
104. quote:
“Evergreen Leader to flight control are we clear to take off? I asked not even bothering to look at the readouts on my screen. There needs to be a comma between the two pairs of bolded words.
105. quote:
“Copy that Evergreen Lead get out of here,” said the flight controller. This needs to be "...that, Evergreen Leader, get out..."
106. quote:
“Let’s go Evergreens looks like we got some work to do,” I ordered as I lifted off the docking bay floor. This should be "...go, Evergreens, it looks..."
107. quote:
There was the great Red Planet Mars; many years ago America had sent a man to walk on her. There needs to be commas between the two pairs of bolded words.
108. quote:
“What are your orders Sir?” asked Evergreen 5 moving in line with the rest of his squad mates. There needs to be commas between the two pairs of bolded words.
109. quote:
“Go get those fighters Angel squadron, my ships will handle what is left of the capital ships,” I ordered moving to intercept the looming capital ships firing at the planet’s service. There needs to be commas between the two pairs of bolded words. --- Also, "service" needs to be "surface".
110. quote:
“Copy that Evergreen Leader,” responded Angel Leader. There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.
111. quote:
“Sir those ships are pulling away, we have to keep attacking them,” said my second in command who had taken a small amount of damage from the fight. There needs to be commas between the two pairs of bolded words. --- Also, it may be best to add "...the previous fight."
112. quote:
“I agree Evergreen 2 you take half the squad and I’ll take the other half and take them on separately.” I ordered taking Evergreen 6, 7, 8 and 9 with me. There needs to be commas before and after "Evergreen 2". --- Also, the bolded period needs to be a comma. --- Also, there needs to be a comma between "ordered" and "taking".
113. quote:
The other half of the squad pulled away and started to attack some of the attacking ships. This is repetitive, so I'd change "attacking" to "enemy".
114. quote:
The half of the squad that stayed with me and went for what I thought was the command ship. "and" needs to be deleted to have this make sense.
115. quote:
“This is just the outer shell, maybe we can find something to shoot into to go to inner shell,” I said trying to avoid the lasers coming at from the much larger capital ship. I think this was meant to be "...shoot into to get to the inner..." --- Also, there needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.
116.quote:
“Sir, found a hole…firing missile,” said Evergreen 6 shooting a missile into a small hole in the side of the ship. There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.
117.quote:
“Good shot Evergreen 6!” I yelled into the comm. link. There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.
118. quote:
“Don’t let up the attack we don’t want hat happened to Geneva to happen here,” I ordered. There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words. --- Also, "hat" should be "what".
119.quote:
Even with the continued attack most of the Enemy ships got away. There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words. --- Also, "Enemy" should be decapitalized.
120. quote:
“Evergreen Leader you have been ordered to the research Station. There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words. --- Also, "research" needs to be capitalized.
121. quote:
Just then The Star of David, the only Israeli ship in the entire fleet, completely manned by the Jewish people came around the great Red Planet. There needs to be commas between the two pairs of bolded words.
122. quote:
I knew the captain of that ship since High School his name was Tony Lockhart. There needs to be a period or a semicolon between the two bolded words to express separate, but related thoughts.
123. quote:
“Evergreen Leader you are passing into a restricted area, please turn your ship around or prepare to be fired upon!” came Lockhart’s voice over my comm. There needs to be a comma between "Leader" and "you". --- Also, the bolded comma should be a period.
124. quote:
“Sorry Lockhart but I can’t do that, Admirals orders for me to come here,” I replied with a grin on my face. There needs to be a comma before and after "Lockhart". --- Also, the bolded comma needs to be a period. --- Also, there should be an addition: "...Admiral's orders are for..."
125. quote:
“I received no such orders…..I’m just kidding old buddy you’re clear to pass,” he replied with a laugh. There are too many dots here. --- Also, there needs to be a comma between the two bolded words. --- Also, to prevent repetitiveness, "replied" should be "said".
126. quote:
As I turned towards the shipyards I noticed a new ship sitting there, I saw the name on the side it was Vanuatu. There needs to be a period here instead of a comma.
127. quote:
That ship looked like a different design then the rest of the capital ships in the fleet. This could easily be just "It". --- Also, "then" needs to be "than".
128. quote:
“Capt…..I mean Evergreen Leader land in the Vanuatu hanger the Admiral is waiting,” came a voice I didn’t recognize from my comm. There are too many dots. --- Also, there needs to be a comma between "Leader" and "land". --- Also, there needs to be a period between "hanger" and "the".
129. quote:
Lockhart was standing next to another friend who was the squadron leader on the Star of David, his name is Sam Zulegar. There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words. --- Also, it would be acceptable if "his name is" was removed.
130. quote:
I also noticed a tall blond guy in an orange jump suit and his name was Taylor Austin, he was another friend. This should be "...orange jumpsuit. His name..." --- Also, delete "he was".
131. quote:
Admiral walked up to me and said “Commander you have done a great job over the years and we would like to thank you for you service to the fleet.” There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words. --- Also, "you" needs to be "your".
132. quote:
Welcome to your ship captain,” said the Admiral with a smile on his face. There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.
133. quote:
I was now standing on the bridge of the Vanuatu escorting the Admiral back to the rest of the fleet with the Star of David. There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.
134.quote:
“Warn the Star of David and the Specters to their ships,” I commanded. This part doesn't make sense with the rest of the sentence, so I'd remove it.
135. quote:
“Leper leader to Star of David, these ships look like commercial ships and they certainly don’t look like those ships that we fought off earlier,” Zulegar reported. "leader" should be capitalized.
136.quote:
“Fleet ships can you hear us, we have come under attack by some strange ships,” yelled a voice on the comm. Link. There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words. --- Also, the bolded comma should be a question mark. --- Also, I believe "Link" should be decapitalized.
137. quote:
“This is Captain Corda of the Vanuatu, we have received your message, do you have any injured aboard and were you followed?” I replied with a look of relief on my face. Perhaps this should be "asked".
138. quote:
“Thank god you can hear us, and yes we have injured. "god" should be capitalized, I believed.
139. quote:
I’m pretty sure we weren’t followed,” said the voice from the other ship that I recognized from somewhere. I think this should be: "...ship. I recognized it from..."
140. quote:
“Star of David I think we can handle this, escort take the Admiral back to Earth,” I said. There needs to be a comma between "David" and "I". --- Also, one of these two words needs to be deleted: "escort" or "take".
141.quote:
My people can’t be that lucky all the time he thought as he looked out the main viewing port. This should either be in italics to express thought, or be in quotation marks. --- Also, the last part of the sentence isn't necessary because it would be restated in the following sentence. I think it should be removed.
142. quote:
Lockhart looked out of the Viewpoint and watched the Stars into lines. There needs to be a decapitalization and an addition: "...watched the stars turn into..."
143. quote:
One of these days I know something bad is going to happen and we won’t be ready. This sentence should be in italics.
Critiquing Complete!!!
Okay, I have to be very honest with you, so please don't be insulted by constructive criticism. This was, without a doubt, the longest critique that I've done. The reason being the style and punctuation part. It would seem that you need to research the correct time to place a comma. I'm hesitant with critiquing Chapters 2 and 3, for fear of the lack of commas.
The definition of a comma is: "the sign (,), a mark of punctuation used for indicating a division in a sentence, as in setting off a word, phrase, or clause, esp. when such a division is accompanied by a slight pause or is to be noted in order to give order to the sequential elements of the sentence. It is also used to separate items in a list, to mark off thousands in numerals, to separate types or levels of information in bibliographic and other data, and, in Europe, as a decimal point."
Also, a separate suggestion, the writing format used: [ 'Talk Talk Talk,' said Someone, doing another action. ] is very repetitive in this chapter. The only thing I can suggest is trying to rewrite some of them. Its not a bad thing, but it does make the style somewhat predictable. I'd suggest for you to go through every chapter you've done and look over them for these kind of things.
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Okay, now with the positive. I really liked the way this story was thought out. It was very clever to use "The Star of David" as the ship for the Israeli. I liked how the blending of the future with modern things was done.
I should also applaud you for the losing twist for the "good" guys. It is more than common for me to read a simple, guessable story where good overcomes evil, so I found this to be refreshing. I am interested as to how this will play out.
Again, please don't be offended or think terrible thoughts about me. It is simply that honesty helps. To correct wrongs as soon as possible will benefit the critiquer, as well as the writer in the long run. This is a great story, and I do like it. Stay vigilant.
- Master Samak -
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