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Eukara Vox -> Furrball Letters (7/13/2008 23:47:20)
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Food and Sleep
“The computer is on, Deuteronomy! She left it on again.”
Casper, the computer is left on all the time. Do you not ever listen to their conversations? Sometimes I wonder how much you really pay attention to the world around you. If it does not have a jingle bell, you have no interest in it whatsoever.”
“Take that back! At least I move once in a while. You, on the other hand, just lay around all day. No wonder you can’t fit under the gate at the top of the stairs. You do realize that she hates it when you cry up there while they’re watching TV late at night. Lose some of that pouch you got going on and you might not have to whine like a baby when you want to come downstairs.”
“Would you please keep your voice down? They are trying to sleep in the next room. The last thing we need is for your unusually cute meowing and mewling to be heard. It is bad enough the keyboard is extremely loud. I still cannot understand why they will not get one of the newer ones that are silent. Eukara stays up late and it must really annoy Him to hear her hitting the keys while she writes.”
“Always so critical, aren’t you? You know, she does try to type quietly, Deuteronomy.”
“Speaking of typing, do you not think we should get on with this before we wake her up? It is bad enough that this will be posted on that forum place she spends time on without her knowing it until she wakes up. I am sure food will become slightly scarce for a few days, especially if this embarrasses her. Not to mention your toys; no more bells and bouncy balls for you, Casper.”
“No! She wouldn’t take away my jingleball…would she?”
“I would not put it past her, Casper. Now if you would please remove yourself from the in front of the keyboard, age before idiocy, you know.”
Dearest Eukara,
I am sure that with all that you do in your day, things can be forgotten or left to do later. I can understand that, really, and I sympathize. You try very hard to keep things quiet around here and, believe me, no one appreciates that more than I. But right now, I am rather concerned about the state of things. I noticed that this week is rather, what is the polite word, busy. For some reason, the mini people are home all day and I have come to the conclusion that they do not understand the way things are supposed to be. I humbly ask that you relay to them the proper way things are conducted here during the day. By way of your bedside clock, I surmise that the noise and ruckus is supposed to be after 3:30 pm. I ask that the schedule is maintained so that all in question will get the rest and relaxation needed to maintain perfect health—
“Perfect health? What are you blabbering on about? Seriously, Deuteronomy, you are far from the picture of heath. You can’t meow to save your soul – which, by the way, you have never explained – you have no inclination to exercise, you eat like a pig and when you tackle me I am lucky I can breathe.”
“Would you please keep your voice down and your comments to yourself, Casper? I need to finish my letter and you are not helping any.”
“Oh, really? You are taking too long. Just get out of my way so I can get in a word or two. Geez, you’d think someone with such high intelligence would be able to write a letter faster than this.”
“Impertinent kitten! I would like to see an attempt to displace me, for I am not moving.”
“Let’s see, Deuteronomy. I believe that perhaps my set of claws against your oh-so-absent ones will be enough to move your big butt.”
“That was cruel and uncalled for, Casper.”
“Ahhh, but your big butt is out of my way now, isn’t it?”
Eukara,
What’s up? Nothing much down here in the land of feline luxury, if we can call it that. So what is up with the food thing? A few weeks ago, the dish was like, totally full all day long! And now, you give us a handful in the morning and at night. I mean, seriously, girl, there are things we need to talk about. I need food. I run around and play and exercise. One must have kibble in order to do that. I have resorted to eating elsewhere, yes, elsewhere. I particularly like the sour bread that you left out last night. That was D-licious! A few bites of that and I was one happy camper. Though, it was a bit hard to get into, but I solved that problem quite fast. I knew you let me keep my claws for some reason. It took me a while though. I had traveled through the dining room with that bag before I got it open enough to eat the bread. You really need to figure out a better system of storage that allows me access—
“That was you! You are the one that left the streaming mess of crumbs across the carpeted floors? You do realize that He will get up in the morning and see it and then get upset. And who will get the brunt of the speech; not you, that is for sure. Eukara will. And then you leave her to clean up your mess with nothing more than a satisfied burp of acknowledgement? You are despicable. IF you were still a kitten I would excuse you, but you will be two human years old soon and you should know better.”
“I cleaned it up. I ate every one of those crumbs and enjoyed it. Man, you’d think I committed the ultimate sin by eating something because you clean our bowl. If you weren’t such a pig, we wouldn’t be in this mess to begin with!”
“So this is my fault, little boy? Fine then, I will use my fat derriere and move you off the desk.”
“No…hey..stop it… Hey! Man, that hurt, you fat lug. I don’t belong on the floor.”
“You do right now if you understand what I will do to you if you get back up here.”
On to the issue of food. I have been curious as to why you suddenly reduced the amount of food we get each day. I can definitely trace back to when this started. A few weeks ago, Casper disappeared for almost the entire duration of the day. When he came back he was groggy and changed somewhat, tremendously sore. After that, food rations became a staple in the house.
“What do you mean I came back changed? I am still me; nothing has changed!”
“Why must you interrupt me when I am writing? Yes, you did change, but…well, never mind. It is useless to explain to you. One day, I might if I feel up to the task.”
A handful in the morning and a handful at night does not seem to satisfy the cravings and hunger that I experience throughout the day. If you would please kindly go back to the way things were, I would be very content. It is really disconcerting to feel the ache in your stomach and walk over to your food bowl only to find it empty. It is simply dreadful and I feel weak all day long, so much so, that I am confined to the second floor of the house—
“Bahahaha, you have got to be kidding me? You aren’t confined up there because you are weak with hunger. You are confined up there because of the horrible task of climbing up and down the stairs, you lazy freak. Because you know that once you go down, you will have to climb back up. I’ve been behind you when you are going up, Deuteronomy, and I can tell you right now that you need a treadmill or something.”
“You have no sense of decency, do you? I am your better in age and wisdom so therefore you owe me respect.”
“Yeah, well, give me a reason to respect you and I will.”
“Well Casper, shall I write about what you used to do to me when you first came to our house? When you were a baby? I can do that, you know, and then several people outside this house will know of your insecurities.”
“You wouldn’t dare!”
“I seem to recall how very saddened you were about leaving your mommy. So, you would lie next to me and begin to—”
“Don’t you dare write that down in the letter! I swear if you do, I will eat everything ever put in our bowl and you will starve.”
“Oooh, touchy are we about that? Then, child, I suggest that you remember your place and let me work.”
“You are an evil cat, you know that Deuteronomy. EVIL.”
Bedding arrangements need to be gone over also. Now that the bigger mini-person is on the top bunk in their room, I have no one to sleep with to keep me cozy. The youngest fidgets constantly while he sleeps and affords me no rest and relaxation in the night. Therefore, we need to come to some kind of agreement. This is mainly your problem, Eukara, as I am always much more comfortable when you are up and He is retired to sleep. Everything is just how I like it and then you come to bed and disturb my perfection. You mess up the blanket and evict me from my spot. Then you will not permit me to resume my space by continually shoving me to the bottom of the bed. I do not understand this behavior as I think it is remarkably rude of you.
“Oh that is going to make her want to cater to your needs. ‘I think it is remarkably rude of you.’ No wonder people think cats are stuck-up snobs of fur. You exude that attitude to the max.”
“I am impressed, Casper. You managed to use a big word and use it correctly. I would clap, but padded paws make no noise.”
“You know, I think somewhere you lost your childhood. Seriously, did you have one? Did you play with toys and love on children at all? Did you run around the house like a maniac for no reason at all but because you could?”
“I do not see the relevancy of your questions, as you have not yet allowed yourself to grow up. When you mature, you will understand. Now please, if you would kindly leave me to my reflections and discussion with Eukara—”
“As if! Get your huge furry butt out of the way. Hogging the computer like this will only make me bite you more the next time we mock fight. I still have things to say. Now move!”
“Excuse you and your impertinent kittenish ways. I swear I do not understand why the family loves you so. But fine, I shall remove myself. It is always entertaining to see you try to act intelligent.”
So yeah, if we could just clear up this misunderstanding about the food thing I would appreciate that. On to the next thing.
I have to say that I am quite happy with the sleeping arrangements you have made for me. Unlike some other ungrateful beast, I cannot find anything wrong with what you do. The fluffy blanket that you lay down for me on your lap at night is really comfy. Especially since it is on your lap and gives you a lot of time to rub me down and massage my back and neck. You have no idea how much that does for me after a day of running, jumping, chasing and playing. The fact that you are so willing to make me feel relaxed and happy at the end of the day makes my heart dance.
And at nighttime, I find it so peaceful to lie on your chest. Your breathing puts me to sleep and I cannot help having good dreams all night. I am very thankful that you sleep on your back for the majority of the night. It is a shame that no one else in this family does.
“Shhhhh.”
“What is your problem? Why can’t you just leave me alone. I….bleh…ugh, that was disgusting.”
“Shut up or I will put more than my paw in your mouth to silence you. Can you not hear the alarm going off in the bedroom? He is going to be up soon. We must post this letter and then resume our napping on the bed before He gets up.”
“Fine, have it your way. Now, how does she do this again…”
“Oh for the love of Bastet, get out of the way! Are you useful at all? All we have to do is copy all of the letter and paste it onto the website. Then we hit the OK button and all is taken care of.”
“How do you know this stuff? You are never around when she is working.”
“Au contraire, mon ami. I lie at her feet the whole time and listen as she talks to herself. She has quite a funny quirk when she is working alone. Instead of sleeping behind the monitor when she is working, try staying awake. You might learn something. Let us go before we are discovered.”
“Yeah, there is no telling what He would do if He found us here.”
“Oh I have a good idea. Remember the last time you made Him mad. Didn’t you receive flying lessons?”
“Shut up, you pompous, sorry excuse for a cat.”
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