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Eukara Vox -> RE: The Desert Trade Comments and Criticism Thread (7/15/2008 15:25:11)
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First of all, I enjoyed your writing, at least through the parts that I was able to read in my pause from my work. You do very well in creating the setting in which your story takes place. I also love your characters as they are very realistic and highly identifiable.
That being said, thus far through the story there are things I would like to point out that I think could be tweaked.
The beginning is very choppy in my opinion, and I disagree with Firefly. When you go into the memories of what brought Alia to where she was, the sentence structure becomes more significant, detailed and smoother in read. The writing flows together and carries the reader forward. The first part felt as if I was riding with a first time driver who didn't know how to use the gas and brake pedals. Some sentences were short and blunt and others longer, containing detail. I had to force myself to continue to read, though my eyes wanted to just skip over to the next section. If it was done for affect, I think the affect was very overbearing.
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“Let's go,” she said simply SHouldn't it be Let's, since the contraction is for let us?
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The hot desert sun blasted the caravan of merchants mercilessly. I am not really sure that blasted is the word to use here. I can imagine wind blasting, but not the desert sun. I have seen it written that the sun "beat down" on people.
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At eight years of age, Alexandria, though not of the desert herself, was intimately familiar with the environment. Though her father, Jarel The repetition there is a bit distracting. My suggestion would be to change or omit the second "though."
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Alexandria had much of her mother's spunk in this regard, but she found herself somehow more genteel.
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Alexandria was startled out of her reverie by a bestial noise that was only haltingly familiar. When did she begin her reverie? You have her coming out of one, but no indication she was ever in one to begin with.
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The oncoming traveler did not respond in any way that Alexandria expected, rather, he brought out a wickedly curved scimitar, it’s blade gleaming in the desert sunlight. If this is in the middle of a sandstorm, I cannot see how the scimitar is gleaming. I have been in sandstorms and the sun is blotted out for the most part. What little light gets through is so dispersed that I do not believe it would be able to gleam off a sword.
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Later, after she had been rescued by the Stormrider, Serik, Alexandria in thinking about the attack believed no further explanation for the attack upon the caravan was necessary. This sentence to me is a bit overdone. I had to read it several times to process it. Could it possibly be broken down?
As I said earlier, your characters are wonderful. Their interaction either in person or shown through narration is wonderful, believable and realistic. The family dynamics of the Larnien is fantastic.
The caravan attack was very interesting, little things like the way the solitary individual moved his scimitar really made the scene great. The reaction later by the girl, her observation that this was war, that this was the way of things, made that scene all the more intriguing, as does it give a insight into her character.
The progression of that memory was deep and really had me glued to the screen. I can see so much of that influencing the rest of her life and look forward to seeing what parts of it most strongly mold her.
I had to stop after that memory and before I got to Darien's story. I have to work on my own work at some point today.
Thanks for sharing. I look forward to reading the rest later.
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