RE: Purrfect Blossoms/Weird Poetry - Update 24Jan2011 (Full Version)

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Firefly -> RE: Purrfect Blossoms/Weird Poetry - Update 24Jan2011 (4/2/2009 13:46:20)

You /did/ get me worried. I thought you were pulling a sudden departure. <_<

No school today, so dropping by your thread torture chamber. =P

I think you captured the aura of torture really well. The ending was spectacular and you did a good job portraying the feelings, the demon, the imagery, ect. ect. Sometimes you're overly "prosy" in your poetry. That just means that I think you're abiding by the laws of prose a bit too much, using subjects too often even when they're unneeded and not allowing a sentence to run on past one or two lines. Like here:

quote:

He bends down, he draws the blankets off., he whispers in my ear,

You could just eliminate two of the "he's" Anyhow, it can simply be your style so I don't object. Just noting this in case it wasn't on purpose.

More specific comments below. Sorry if they're all jumbled up. I didn't copy them down as I read; I went back afterwards and found them, so even the order might be messed.

quote:

I see there's a hole in the stone ceiling

Unnecessary and takes away from the focus of the line, imo.

quote:

for the envious judge listens to note what words I use

I don't think that's the right word. Why would a judge envy their victim? Is he some kind of pain-lover? Anyhow, perhaps a different adjective like "heartless"?

quote:

I'm fighting to get up but down I have been bound

I'm not all that familiar with your punctuation, but I think you missed a period at the end of this line.

quote:

I blink and I beg and I promise, but the platinum angel just shakes his head.

This is... unique, but I got confused because I started thinking the demon was the angel that was going to take him away in death. Perhaps "the platinum angel just does not hear" might make it more clear. I know, it breaks the rhyme, but the rhyme scheme isn't really set and "hear" does rhyme with "ear." I dunno, I'm not making sense anymore.

quote:

He bends down, he draws the blankets off., he whispers in my ear,

Extra period?

EDIT: I claim this page for... misreading something due to your poetry. Yeah, I think I'll leave the details out...
No page-claiming. - Cow Face



Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Purrfect Blossoms/Weird Poetry - Update 24Jan2011 (4/2/2009 16:09:55)

Thank you for the comments, Firefly! *bows in gratitude, smiles beams at the kind words about the ending =)*

My late apologies for getting you worried. Planned absencies are easier to announce. Now it just went the unfortunately common way ... I got swamped in something else and days off the forums turned to few weeks. I'll stop my weak excuses for not following the ways of common decency here...

Oh, almost forgot: Welcome to my chamber (again). Make yourself comfortable... =P

I believe your comment about me being occasionally too prosy a poet nails it. Especially with this piece, as it has its origins in a chapter of prose...

Starting with the repetitive 'he' at the end. Agreeing with you there. I think that was supposed to mirror the repetitive 'I' at the previous line: 'I blink and I beg and I promise...' However, I think neither of those lines really worked, so I edited both of them:
quote:

I blink and I beg, but the platinum angel just shakes his head.
He bends down, draws the blankets off, now a whisper in my ear,

As you can see, the other two pronouns are now removed from the second line. I also broke the structure further by removing the verb altogether from the last part. The extra period is also gone, thanks for noticing that!

In the previous line, I removed the 'I promise' since it was just two words with no real weight. Plus the 'beg' before the comma goes well with the 'head', in my distorted opinion. =P Which brings me to the fact that the demon is the platinum angel or the other way around, and she/he sees the demon/angel the only way out. His answer for the plea is no, therefore the shaking of the head, if that makes any sense/if I can manage to clarify my point here.


This line got its period, thanks for pointing that out!
quote:

I'm fighting to get up but down I have been bound.

Also, I removed 'In fear' from the beginning of the next line, as I found it unnecessary. I don't know if the repetition of 'fight' is too stressed now, or if it even works anymore, but I'll leave it like that for now, as I can't think of anything better.

Agreed on removing 'there's':
quote:

I see a hole in the stone ceiling

This does work much better without it, thank you!

Now, 'the envious judge'... there's some "weird" thinking behind it, lol. The judge is an envious character who has a tendency to "punish" other people (that have fallen into his clutches) for owning something he doesn't have. So, he's not just doing his job in overseeing the "questioning" but thinking that they deserve the torture for owning something he thinks they don't deserve to have. Not that he envies the tortured for the pain rather than envying the persona because (s)he used to have freedom/happiness/confidence/love life/etc. This maybe too much characterization for one poem, but again, there's a piece of the story behind it. =P

OK, thank you again for your detailed comments! I'm going to go and try to sleep now so that I can survive tomorrow and be ready to do some serious L&L reading tomorrow night. Although, my brain is now set to 'curiosity-killed-the-cat-mode' and I blame that last line of your post for that. =P



Firefly -> RE: Purrfect Blossoms/Weird Poetry - Update 24Jan2011 (4/2/2009 17:18:18)

Curious? Too bad, I'm replying and the cat is getting tortured. See the little "upload a picture" thing at the bottom of a post when you're writing it? When I was editing it to claim the page, I ended up reading the "upload a picture" as "upload a picture about torture" I did a double-take.

Okay, the angel does make a bit of sense now. It's just a bit weird that the being is a demon for most of it and is suddenly seen as an angel in a single line.

Regarding the subjects, it's sometimes possible to simply say it without the subject repeated. "I blink and I beg and I promise" can be "I blink, beg, and promise" ...Okay, that didn't work out so well, just an example of what I meant.

Get some rest. Us L&Lers do have patience so don't you worry. ;)



Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Purrfect Blossoms/Weird Poetry - Update 24Jan2011 (4/5/2009 16:21:45)

@above: One last comment about the demon and the angel: you are right that mentioning the angel all of a sudden is slightly weird, but then again, maybe I'm corrupted by the plentiful lore of mighty demons who were born angels or equivalents. So, to me, the thought of confusing an angel with a demon isn't all that weird a concept *points at certain J.R.R.Tolkien and his literary creation, Melkor, who fell and was later known as Morgoth*


Since today is the first birthday of my forum account, I decided to "celebrate" by posting a poem. It's called Driven to Write. It's a sad piece, about getting lost. Maybe it got part of its inspiration from writing a few pages for Where's My Rose last night. Very late last night. Anyways, enjoy!



gwoonjustin -> RE: Purrfect Blossoms/Weird Poetry - Update 24Jan2011 (4/19/2009 15:18:47)

Drums please
Violins?
Great, now get the entire orchestra going.
Et voila!
Justin hath dramatically returned!

Sorry to hijack your thread for this, Fabula, but as I'm keeping my own threads locked for now, this seems as good a place as any for a quick word about my reappearance. Plus, in return you get my very first new comments!
So here it goes:
I'm kind of sick of not being here in L&L now, it's been enough. So I figured what the hell, lets go back. However, writing is still going as bad as the moment I left the forums. So just critisism for now; rereading some stuff, catching up on some poets and what not. I may be back as a writer too within some time, but this depends entirely on what will go on in that brain of mine, and I've yet to find the first person with the gift of understanding that weird little brat.

So, as for the promised comments:

I'd just finished the tanka-sets, so on with the other stuffs.

The End of All Things
quote:


They drown in files, their lungs are burnt;

I checked all possible meanings of the word file, and none really seem to make sense. Enlighten me; which do you mean?

Uhm, I'll take a stab at the meaning of the poem; seems to me like a romance between two god-like creatures comming to a dramatic end. Close, much? No doubt it is open to interpretation more than just a little bit, but one of my favorite aspects of poetry. Summary: good job!


1s and 0s

Not bad, though quite unconventional, so to say. Not so much in style as in context.


Wasted Shadows

Wow! This may very well be your best poem ever! Really struck a note there. In fact, I disagree with Firefly here (though, admittedly, she may have been talking about a now outdated version); I think the structure supports the mood, in a way.


The Demon in the Ceiling

Spooky indeed, but haunting only in a good way.
quote:


He takes no notes now, t-t-there are other uses for his h-h-hands.

I totally get your idea here with the stuttering, but I do feel it kind of disrupts the flow...

quote:

One name I should have known.

This sentence to me seems to purely have been added for style, and have no meaning in the scene much. If there is a meaning behind it, please enlighten me. If not, perhaps seek a more fitting line?

I too feel the angel and demon are too casually both used to describe one being. I'm fine with you changing demon to angel for the reasons you explain, but I feel you should draw more emphasis to how they are the same creature. Despite the case you made in your defence.


Driven to Write

quote:

on the edge of ravine.

Adding "the" or "a" here seems obligatory to me. Perhaps more beautiful would be "my"
but with a view to kill for,
on the edge of my ravine.

Stylistically I feel this poem is kind of all over the place, and not in a good way (yes, this can be good). The stanzas might need to be composed a bit more in relation to one another.

Also, this being a celebration of your forum-birthday (congratulations!), it seems an awfully gloomy piece. Which is kind of a shame.


Overall, you're doing great, but it all seems so extremely dark. I hope it's not as direct a reflection of you as art can be of artists. If it is, remember this little oneliner: The sweet ain't as sweet without the sour. Sounds quite lame, I know, but it actually got me through quite some stuff.


This is about the quality of critisism I'm afraid you should expect from me right now; I need to get back into it, you see.

That's it. My first new post. It's great to be back! I hope people can forgive me for my somewhat sudden disappearance. For what it's worth; I am awfull sorry.

Well, I see there's plenty of work laying around L&L for me to sharpen my butchering knifes to, so that I may one day again butcher literature the way only butchers can. Muwhahaha. Ha. Ha.

Cheerio!
*skips off, throwing rose petals around*



Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Purrfect Blossoms/Weird Poetry - Update 24Jan2011 (4/20/2009 1:46:45)

...
???
!!!
You are back?!?
*runs in weird circles*
*stops spamming her own thread*

Welcome back to L&L, gwoonjustin!
I hope you are doing fine despite your returning intro having such words as 'sick of' and 'weird little brat' etc.

I'm little outta words here, so I'll move to your comments.

The End of All Things:
Here's what my Collins dictionary says:
quote:

A file of people is a line of people who are walking or standing one behind the other.

Ever seen those medieval paintings about the last judgment? Where the people are depicted waiting in line to go to hell? That's the kind of imagery I was going after.

You interpretation seems plausible. I see the poem more like an expression of wrath of unexplainable dimensions. The cause may as well lie behind the meaning you interpreted to be there, however, the more I look at it, the more I think it's expressing the destructive force of wrath, pure rage.
quote:

Darling, you're the only one able to stop.

Then this would be the persona talking to herself, using 'you,' telling that she herself is the only one who can stop the destruction.

quote:

Seeds of evil I spit from my mouth;
Distrust grows from west to south.

Then this would indicate that the persona is, in fact, raged at herself as she's done some sort of mistake that she feels has encased her, and:

quote:

Hollow sky, hallowed sea,
Nothing left, ready to leave.
Black pearls roll down her cheeks,
Yet you forgive her not.

She cannot forgive herself, leaving her with nothing.

Madness, eh?

1s and 0s
Lol, thanks. I sometimes see that as a computer chip in love with a human. Can't end well, can it? =P

Wasted Shadows
*humbly bows in gratitude for your kind words of appraisal*

The Demon in the Ceiling

I understand it disturbs the flow, but I need it to be disturbed there, I need to have the stuttering to
1) express the extent of suffering. The brain is on the verge of blanking out, the words are getting jammed.
2) disturb the flow. I didn't think that spotless flow (not that I could even pull that off =P) and torture scene would match...

quote:

One name I should have known.

The purpose of torture: punish, break a person, laugh directly at the face of humanity, and, gather information.
Sometimes, people have been tortured for information they /don't/ have.

My apologies, if this still looks as if it doesn't belong to the poem, but yet again, there's a story behind the scene, /and/ sometimes I just smash everything up, gather only a part of the pieces to a poem, and see what the reader makes up from the clues. Aren't I annoying.


Driven to Write

I rather like your suggestion regarding the ravine part, I'll probably edit it in later on.
Partly, the poem is all over the place because it's about being lost. However, I do realise it doesn't work as it is now, being too diluted. Lol, I already thought of some tricks to fix it, but I forgot them. =P I'll think of what you said when I come back to edit that 'my' into it.

You know, I actually considered posting an older poem for the anniversary, but it would not have been any less gloomy. =P


Thanks for all your comments! I hope you'll find your poet's pen again, eventually!

And I hope you are not going to vanish again, but I've got no room to talk about vanishing, really.



gwoonjustin -> RE: Purrfect Blossoms/Weird Poetry - Update 24Jan2011 (4/20/2009 7:09:24)

*snuggles everyone*

I just realized, I've got a little anerversery here too; April 08 was my WotM-month. Geez, a year ago. Seems a lifetime now.

1:You're right. Silly me.
Ooh gee-whizz that's a cool poem then.

2:Right... Peculiar indeed. But nice nontheless.

3:Flawed flow as a stylistic model? Intriguing. I don't think the world is ready for such a revolution yet, though.

4: Fair enough. I seem to have gotten the idea that the I-person did in fact have the desired information, but the theory proves unjustified. So never you mind.
(Yup, annoying as hell. I sure have missed that[;)])

Okay, these numbers don't really make any sense, but I guess you'll figure it out regardless.



Firefly -> RE: Purrfect Blossoms/Weird Poetry - Update 24Jan2011 (4/20/2009 16:49:13)

Your thread just looks so inviting right now. May I join the party? Sorry if I trash it. =P And hey, Justin. I guess we can skip the hugs and welcome backs and the what not since I said it all in PM yesterday. =P

Just read Driven to Write. Agreed that it's pretty depressing for a forum B-day poem, but I tend to write depressing poetry too so I have no right to talk. I really loved the imagery here. The salt on skin was... wow. I could almost taste it. And no, I'm not eating right now, really. Though this poem isn't your darkest, I think this shows a lotof maturity on your part. I really love it. I really cannot say which stanza I loved the most, because they're all so full of brilliant imagery. I dunno if I have anything negative to say, just that perhaps you can relate the writing to the need for someone to define you. Right now, they seem a bit not connected except my the beginning and ending.

On Wasted Shadows, it's not that I didn't like the structure. You both know I like rhymes. It's just that I felt some parts were a bit strained because of the rhymes. But I think I'm just digging at stuff that's been buried a long time ago, so I dunno if I'm saying anything helpful, lol.



Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Purrfect Blossoms/Weird Poetry - Update 24Jan2011 (4/22/2009 17:03:24)

Odd things happening this week: gwoonjustin returned and my poetry comment thread looks inviting. =P

Anyways, I'm glad that you liked the depressing B-day poem, Firefly! I have been trying to think of something to tie the writing and defining more tightly together. All I came up with in the end was another stanza added between the original first and second stanzas:
quote:

You look like a promise of paradise,
standing there and staring at me
with questions flickering in your eyes,
as I ask you to define me.
For I rather not write.
No, not tonight.

I have no idea if it really fixes anything. I can easily remove it if it just makes things worse and more 'all-over-the-place-ish'.

I also made two other, smaller edits. The first one was to change
'on the edge of ravine.' to 'on the edge of my own ravine.' according to gwoonjustin's suggestion.

The other one was cutting a few words towards the end of the poem, from the line:
'of how salt feels on skin' to 'of salt on skin'

Thank you so much for the appraisal! It was so good to hear that there was something right in it, despite the problems.



Firefly -> RE: Purrfect Blossoms/Weird Poetry - Update 24Jan2011 (4/22/2009 17:15:05)

Just "on the edge of my ravine" sounds fine, imo. The "own" might be overdoing it.

quote:

For I rather not write.

Is it just me or is this grammatically incorrect? Shouldn't it be "For I'd rather not write" or "For I would rather not write"

The new stanza didn't make all the difference in the world, but I think it did help a bit. What I think might add more to the relating definition to writing would be something hinting that you write to help you define yourself, but are not having that much success. Or something to that extent. If I'm making sense. The stanza you added sounds like you're turning away from writing because you'd rather be defining yourself; I don't think these two actions are contradictory enough to be either/or.



Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Purrfect Blossoms/Weird Poetry - Update 24Jan2011 (4/22/2009 17:42:46)

Consider the 'own' removed.

Hmm, I see what you mean. Here's a quick fix from my sleepy-brain:
quote:

You look like a promise of paradise,
standing there and staring at me
with questions flickering in your eyes,
as I ask you to define me.
For the words I write
turn mute on paper,
and I can't bear their silence tonight.


(I fixed the grammar error first, but then ended up removing the whole line, as you can see)



Firefly -> RE: Purrfect Blossoms/Weird Poetry - Update 24Jan2011 (4/22/2009 17:55:04)

Ooo, this is a lot better. Get some sleep, though. =P But yeah, I think ties together writing with definition in a much more comprehensible way.



gwoonjustin -> RE: Purrfect Blossoms/Weird Poetry - Update 24Jan2011 (4/25/2009 5:52:05)

Are you trying to hide that latest poem from me? You know me better than that. Nothing escapes me. I'm like a hawk [:D]

Story Complete:
quote:

The machine crushes her against the crust, her to her end it hurls

her to her sounds kind of weird. Maybe:
to her end it hurls her.

I wouldn't say it was laconic. There was some distance in the poem, which worked just great, but laconic? No...

Anyway, yet another work of greatness[:)]



Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Purrfect Blossoms/Weird Poetry - Update 24Jan2011 (4/25/2009 10:59:31)

Lol, it wasn't a question of hiding the poem. As I wrote Story Complete last night, I noticed that the sheet of paper I used, had another poem on the reverse side. I wrote that one in the beginning of February, and I considered posting that as well here after getting some sleep. Then I could have announced both of the poems together. However, now that I'm awake again, I understand that the other poem would need considerable editing before posting, so I'll not be adding it yet. If ever.

It's a good suggestion you made, but it'll break the rhyming: curs-curls-yearns-whirls-pearls-hurls
The poem is written in the form of a villanelle, and albeit I don't master the form and it's pretty broken, I still don't want to give up the rhyming scene.

Thanks for the comments! If it felt distanced, then that's just super; I tried to present the POV to belong to someone who witnesses the girl walking towards the accident, describes it with few words, but isn't that much affected... An omniscient POV, I guess.


EDIT: No, this is not the poem I referred to above. It's another one, written originally approx. two-three weeks ago. Remind me of keeping my hands away from my drawer where I hide these things. =P
Anyways, a poem called Love in the Desert is posted for your enjoyment and/or butchering. Dedicated to my darling Lux. =P



gwoonjustin -> RE: Purrfect Blossoms/Weird Poetry - Update 24Jan2011 (4/26/2009 17:59:09)

quote:

Remind me of keeping my hands away from my drawer where I hide these things.

Open that drawer more frequently, please. Also, should you ever edit the declaration of a new poem into a post again, I demand to be pm'ed about it personally. This is unacceptable!

Love in the Desert:
*cheers, applauds, and the like*



Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Purrfect Blossoms/Weird Poetry - Update 24Jan2011 (4/28/2009 16:02:52)

Thank you so much for cheering the comment!

I'll try to remember to PM you if the abovementioned case should arise. Can't promise, though, as it seems that I often post these late in the evening (my time), so my brains may neglect a few things...

(read: I just post the poem and run =P)



Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Purrfect Blossoms/Weird Poetry - Update 24Jan2011 (5/3/2009 10:38:25)

Two new poems, Run of the Mill & The First Wife of Bluebeard have been posted.

They have pretty different themes. The first is me hitting my head against the wall because of the persistent unwillingness to listen to each other we humans have. Yeah, it gets to me sometimes. =P

The second tells a murder story. Those who are familiar with the fairytale of Bluebeard probably guessed it from the title. However, the poem doesn't follow the original story at all, the title is almost a mere reference. The style shouldn't be that heavy. The poem is merely telling a tale.

Both have been written sometime after a severe migraine. Maybe that'll explain the results. =P

Feel free to leave a comment!



gwoonjustin -> RE: Purrfect Blossoms/Weird Poetry - Update 24Jan2011 (5/3/2009 12:39:35)

*watches Fabula run away*
What, you didn't even get that? LeSigh!
quote:


(read: I just post the poem and run =P)

Settled then. Onwards with the reading!

Run:
Not entirely sure I cought your drift here, but I enjoyed it, so whatever :P

1st Wife:
quote:


I waited for you, you never came.
I was a fool to think I could master game.
I was a fool to ignore your bad name.

You were indeed a fool to think you could become the master of the subjects of any hunting trip; game.

quote:


I'll be waiting for you by the down town bank,
while you cash in the insurance for our lives,
I start to see what happens to your wives.

Only now she starts to see? Bit thick, no? :P

quote:


I'll wait no more when I hiss,

Very short sentence, concidering the scheme.

Also, the rhyme scheme may be a bit weird. Most verses are XAA (x being non-rhyming), except some randomly placed ones(stylistically) which have AAA...

Anywho, great stuff as always. And no, you needn't worry about being too graphic in the wife poem.
*goes off in search of a barber that might fetch a blue beard. I mean come on, that'd be awesome!*



Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Purrfect Blossoms/Weird Poetry - Update 24Jan2011 (5/3/2009 13:16:46)

Well, as there was approx 2 hours between my posting the poems and you commenting, I doubt you were there to catch the sight of me running. I'm slow, but I ain't that slow. =P

Anyways, thanks so much for the comments! There's nothing I can do about the shortness of that one line now, because I'm outta ideas that wouldn't make it worse. Also, it's not even the shortest line, I believe.

I fixed the two other points, i.e. added the article before 'game', and edited the 'slow' line to:
quote:

Oh, I see what happens to your wives.

It's still a bit stupid, but at least I got rid of the 'start to see'. =P

Regarding the rhyming scheme. It's supposed to be XAA except for the 'refrain', which is AAA. However, some non-refrain stanzas are AAA as well, as I really didn't care whether the first line rhymes or not. Most of those first-line-rhymers appeared there during editing.

I have never really mastered rhyme-schemes, I fear...

I left the interpretation of Run of the Mill very much to the reader on purpose. You are always free to just enjoy (or hate) my stuff without catching the drifts. =P

Thanks again for the comments!



Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Purrfect Blossoms/Weird Poetry - Update 24Jan2011 (6/7/2009 16:28:27)

Two new poems and one that I posted a month ago but didn't announce.

Abyss: a somewhat enigmatic poem about a person who prefers to live in the "Abyss" since (s)he's condemned evil, anyways.

Alone One Morning: Just a little poem about a morning swim... Lol, as if I would write only that... there's a darker undercurrent there. What that dark Danger is exactly, is left to the reader to decide.

Chronic Thoughts: This is a somewhat experimental piece about being diagnosed and living with a chronic disease. I delibarately used the passive voice to remove as much emotion as possible. There shouldn't be any other pronouns used besides 'they' and 'one'. If you spot any, let me know! Since it's experimental, it's probably all over the place - you have been warned! =P

Enjoy if you can and comment if you like!!

I hope to return to reading and commenting all y'all works right in the beginning week!



gwoonjustin -> RE: Purrfect Blossoms/Weird Poetry - Update 24Jan2011 (6/8/2009 9:05:14)

Hey,

First, allow me to be captain obvious: I loved the all!

Abyss:
Rather all over the place, but oh well, it seems to work.

Alone one morning:
quote:


Nightingale sings far in the forest
every note of the requiem pure and honest

I felt the latter line could do with one less syllable. Changing "every" into "each" would do that trick.

Chronic thoughts:
I loved how this poem was not just about anyone being chronically ill, but anyone at all having anything that makes them abnormal to the masses, having to deal with judgements over this continuously. Constantly being reminded by everyone that something that is a part of their being is not socially accepted, at least on some level. Well, for me it did that anyway...

*skips off again, happy about Fabz poeting again*



Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Purrfect Blossoms/Weird Poetry - Update 24Jan2011 (6/9/2009 2:37:41)

Thank you for the comments, once again, gwoonjustin!

Ain't it funny that I'm so blind to my 'all-over-the-placeness' that I thought Chronic Thoughts was the one fitting to that description, yet you called out Abyss for it. Come to think of it, you're probably right; Abyss /is/ indeed all over the place.

I'm glad you found out your own interpretation about Chronic Thoughts. Yes, it can be seen that way, although the 'injections' are mentioned quite a few times, thus probably pointing out a bit too specifically to illness.

Since everybody loves bargains =P I removed two syllables for the price of the one you pointed out in Alone One Morning. I shamelessly took your suggestion and continued the choppery with removing the article before 'requiem' as well. Flows much better now:
quote:

Nightingale sings far in the forest
each note of requiem pure and honest

Thank you so much for the suggestion!



Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Purrfect Blossoms/Weird Poetry - Update 24Jan2011 (7/12/2009 12:31:37)

As I sat down and readied myself to type down the first lines of my new story, (*drumroll*) I noticed that I had this poem that I wrote a few weeks ago saved on my computer. And since it's been a month since my last posting of my attempts to grasp poetry, I thought I might as well hang it online now.

The Absolute End

The title is a translation from an old German crime/police series called Derrick, that had an episode called Das Absolute Ende *), shown relatively recently on local TV channel.

Otherwise, the poem has nothing to do with the series or the episode in question, I like how the title sounds in German and it suits the poem. Warning: This is a break-up poem taken near to the emotional extreme. If you don't like to read depressing poetry, I recommend skipping this.


*)literally translated as The Absolute End, to state the obvious...=P



Fornever -> RE: Purrfect Blossoms/Weird Poetry - Update 24Jan2011 (7/17/2009 17:51:32)

Ooh, these poems look good. I apologize for not getting to these poems sooner. I didn't see your comment on my poem yet, so I hadn't noticed. Apologies.

I love the imagery you use in all of the poems. As I read, I keep telling myself, "This one is my favorite" but then when I read the next one, I go ahead and call that one my favorite. So, I can't decide. They're all so lovely. The apostrophe in The Lone Philosopher was beautifully executed, and the metaphors you use there are very interesting. I've never heard of tankas before, so this is new to me. I'll have to look it up sometime. Thanks for sharing these beautiful poems.



Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Purrfect Blossoms/Weird Poetry - Update 24Jan2011 (7/20/2009 2:10:19)

Hi, Fornever!

Thank you so much for the appraising comment! (*loves it to death*) I really do recommend getting know tankas although --as always with poetry-- much of the literary pleasure depends on the translation, if one doesn't know enough Japanese (I don't) and wants to enjoy "the old masterpieces." Visual arts as an origin to poetry as opposed to music intrigues me as well as the contemplating nature of tankas and haikus.

Anyways, I haven't really dug that deep into this site, but at least they have two translated classics on their front page, a few more hidden behind the Tanka Online-link, as well as some very good contemporary pieces written straight in English:
Anglo-Japanese Tanka Society




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