|
Arthur The Brave One -> RE: ** Lguan's Collection of Poetry ** ((Comments Thread)) (8/24/2008 9:58:37)
|
lguan? I didn't know you write! I'm going to butcher your poetry... bigtime ;) Remember, you don't have to take my advice, as it's just that: advice.
My Bittersweet Wishing
I'll just go over it stanza by stanza.
1st: Shifting around in your chair appears a bit... odd to me, but that may just be my silly head :P
2nd: Excellent! With a capital... everything! I really liked this stanza, it flowed really good. Except for the last sentence, I believe it'd be better if you wrote out "I've" as "I have".
3rd: The final sentence (again) disrupts the flow here... a lot. Try changing it. Personally, I think "Of the plan you have conceived" or "Of the plan you've now conceived" or something along the lines of that would work. Adding "though" at the beginning of this same sentence helps in strengthening the stanza's message.
4th: I'd write out "wasn't" in the final sentence, ie "was not". It'd help the flow, I think.
5th: "Too many desperate accounts, At least enough for tonight." is a very contradictory sentence. "Too many" & "enough" are the problematic words here, as they mean practically the opposite. How about making the last sentence "At least, that is, for tonight." Better, no?
6th: good, although the second sentence disrupts the flow a bit with it's high syllable count. How about "Wishing never got me anywhere"? I don't know, really. I think you can think one up yourself here.
Letting you go
Again, stanza by stanza.
1st: Good, except for the fact that I think the last sentence would be better if it was "From every weight that I must bear." Just a personaly thought, I guess.
2nd: ARRGH.... this stanza has got quite some flow problems! I'll try fixing something up that has (IMO, of course) a better flow. However, don't you just go and use that >:D
quote:
I'm just feeling so hopeless now,
Like nothing is ever going to change.
My feelings are filling me with doubt,
as You’re completely out of range.
Again, don't just go and use this without thinking. Before you know it, I've changed the entire idea behind the stanza! :O We can't let that happen, can we now?
3rd: good. Personally, I'd change the third sentence to this: "All my prayers - none fullfilled". Just a thought, though.
4th: Thumbs up for this one! Maybe remove the "clean" in the third sentence... but that isn't really that much a matter of concern.
5th: The second sentence is a real flow killer, and the comma after scars is just plain useless. A suggestion for the second sentence: "My wounds will never heal." Also, you need a "that" after worried, I believe.
6th: "An appreciation for me" is grammatically incorrect, I believe... I think it should be "An appreciation for myself". Even though I may be wrong, I think "An appreciation for myself" sounds better, too. Just my thought, though.
7th: I think the last sentence could use a that, but meh.
8th: Good!
9th: You are aware of the fact that out and route don't rhyme, are you? Also, I think you should make the "we will" in the first sentence just a "we'll".
10th: /Very/ good!
Hiding Gold
You know how it works now.
1st: Good! Although the "Letting it hold" feels a little awkward >.>
2nd: A coffin you sealed? Again, a little awakward. How about "A coffin was sealed?"
3rd: You hurt to stay? BAD grammar! (I think... :P)
4th: Good.
5th:quote:
You once said such,
You were shy to unknowns.
Have I really changed so much.
So you pierce me through bone?
Really, do you like bothering me with bad punctuation or something?
The bolded sentence either needs a question mark or a comma, but definitly NOT a period :/
Also, the italicized sentence has bad grammar. I think no further explanation is needed.
6th: Better.
7th: How about putting "just" before gold in the second sentence? Also, the third comma needs to be a dash or a semi-colon.
Reality and Fantasy
Surprisingly enough, I didn't find any errors in this one. Good job, I really liked it!
As a second thought, I do have one suggestion:
quote:
Fantasy -
the world in which
anything is possible.
Fantasy -
the part of us
that keeps us living.
I think the dasher are nicer than the "is"'s :P Again, just my thoughts.
Overal, I think you do indeed have quite some talent. I've seen poetry a /lot/ worse (also a lot better, of course). For now, it seems you are better with freeverse, but don't let that stop you from writing more with rhyme schemes! Also, Ive noticed that you still need some work on your punctuation. It's not partictularly bad.... I'm just saying I think that is one of the things you need to work the most on. Punctuation can have a /huge/ impact on how well your flow is. Really, I knows. Anyway, good luck with your poetry, and feel free to have a look at my stuff when you have the time ;)
/Arthur
|
|
|
|
