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Firefly -> RE: The Wolf's Rebellion Comments (8/18/2008 16:04:49)
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Alright, here's the deal. I'll be critiquing it on and off for a while due to the length of my critiques. I am not done unless I say I am at the end of the post.
Take my suggestions with a grain of salt. I will not be offended if you call me a blatant idiot and disagree with everything I have to say. =P Also, no matter how many things I find, it doesn't mean that I don't like the writing. ;)
I'm taking this apart line-by-line, both good and bad.
quote:
The day of the Grand Sowing Festival had come, and Limani had never looked more beautiful.
Hmm, I like the second clause. The first one... Is "day of the" really necessary? I mean, it's not very likely that there is confusion about whether it's day/night, or if it lasts for more than a day, or, ect. I think trimming it to "The Grand Sowing Festival had come, and Limani had never looked more beautiful." might be better. Your call. It's personal preference entirely.
quote:
Spring had truly come to the land.
Using "come" again? I think you can find another verb. "arrived at"? Or "descended upon"? Sometimes more fancy that isn't repeating the "come" from the previous sentence.
quote:
Roses and other fine flowers bloomed, as did new delicious fruits.
This seems a little vague. Didn't really paint a picture in my head, y'know? Also, the word choice could be stronger at times ("fine" isn't a fine word. =P). I'd also elaborate a bit more. Becomes a little wordy, but it's better imagery. I'm not a flower expert, so feel free to use something different from my terrible example, which is only giving a structural example, not a content one. "Roses, lillies, and tulips bloomed, dancing in the breeze that swept across the hills they resided on. Ripe, delicious new fruits covered the farmers' fields, from <insert fruit here, since I've no idea where your story takes place and what fruits they have> to <insert another fruit here>" Something to that degree, maybe.
quote:
All around Karros, farmers were preparing to plant their crops.
Hmm, it sounds fine. You can change "were preparing" to "prepared" here to reduce the amount of "was verbing" but it's not very bad here. Again, your call.
quote:
It was essential to the survival of Karros, and yet, Limani was the only city that celebrated it.
I don't like the excessive use of the verb to be once more here. I'd rephrase to get rid of "were." "The survival of Karros depended on it, and yet, Limani was the only city with this celebration." (I change the last part so that you aren't ending both clauses with "it" which gets redundant.)
quote:
Limani was the capital of the Royal Kingdom of Karros, and it housed both the royal family and the leaders of the Exalted Church of Aerion.
Okay... The problem here is, you ended the previous sentence with Limani pretty close to the end, so this phrasing sounded a bit redundant/awkward. I'd restructure this sentence to move the "Limani" back in the sentence. "Being the capital of the Royal Kingdom of Karros, Limani housed both the royal family and the leaders of the Exalted Church of Aerion." You can change "Being" to "As" though I prefer "Being." I do suggest you take out "Royal" in the "Royal Kingdom..." part since it's rather awkward with the other "royal" in the sentence, but it might be needed in the formal name.
Btw, Aerion... Nice name. ^_^
quote:
Countless Lords and Ladies had arrived for the event, intending to make a good impression upon King Josset Hargood.
Not sure if it's fine as is or if using "to" or "at" instead of "for" works better. Your call.
"upon" seems a tad clunky here. I'd use an ordinary "on." These fancy words, like "although" rather than "though", have to be used sparingly or they end up dragging down the writing.
quote:
That night, in the Grand Hall of Limani, there would be many conversations, and even more discarded bottles of wine.
Perhaps it's my fast speech, but I'd kill the last comma. The reason is a) the "and" makes the comma needless and b) you've used commas in the beginning of the sentence for something that needed it. Having commas here too weakens the strength of those commas along with overpausing the sentence.
quote:
This would be the King’s Royal Address, a speech in which he would announce important changes.
I'm not sure if "would be" is better fitting than a simple "was" here. It is happening later on, but it, even currently, /is/ the Royal Address, even if it didn't happen yet.... Am I making sense? Maybe I just think "would be" is too long and takes away from the more important parts of the sentence.
The last part is just... wordy. Too long and too many unnecessary words. Perhaps: "This was the King’s Royal Address, a speech announcing important changes." The would be/was isn't a big deal. The second comment is more important.
quote:
a royal marriage, new lordships, a declaration of war… anything.
It grammatically works either way, but perhaps capitalizing "anything" adds more impact? Depends on what effect you're trying for.
quote:
The King’s son, Prince Michael, was not with the King, however. Michael was traveling the streets of Limani
I quoted these sentence together because I'm suggesting a fix involving both of them. The problems are a) repetition of "Michael" b) (more importantly) awkward flow of first sentence. Kinda feels overpaused. I think it's the placing of "however" along with the parenthical aside of "Prince Michael." c) repetition of "King"
My suggestion: "However, the King’s son was not with him. Prince Michael was traveling the streets of Limani" Shortens out the unnecessary stuff and repetition.
quote:
It wasn’t too elaborate, simply a cloak with a hood, as well as some shirts and pants he had found in the Royal Stables.
Hmm, I'd change the first comma to a dash here. Seems better with emphasis than regular pausing, especially if you don't take my next suggestion.
I /do/ want you to take out the second comma entirely, but that's stylistic. It's just my personal preference of less commas. I read fast, and when I see a bunch of commas forcing me to pause, it slows me down. However, others are different, so this is purely my opinion.
quote:
The hood obscured his face, and his clothes made him look like just another commoner.
You might wanna try balancing the sentence here. It's a different effect--the current one is fine--but you can try this is you want. Just change the "his clothes" to "the clothes" or "The hood" to "His hood." I highly recommend the former over the latter.
"just another" is a rather informal/weak wording, imo. How about "like any other commoner"?
quote:
But what would he expect?
I think think you're choosing the right words/phrasing this correctly. Impact not coming out right. Perhaps you meant. "But what else should he expect?" You can keep the "should" as "would" if you like, but "should" is the stronger word in this case.
quote:
These streets were full of vendors selling all sorts of food and goods, and were normally filled with people.
Now, lemme tell you about something I've learned. Words like "these" "that" "those" ect. a /very/ tempting to use. You always want to refer back, right? But, the truth is, 99% of the time, a simple "the" works /much/ better. Makes it less vague and stuff. It's not particularly bad here--you can keep this one if you like--but it's something to keep in mind for the future.
Okay, more importantly, I don't like the repetition of "full" in "filled" since they're basically the same word.
Also, I think "food and goods" weakens it. In most cases, a single thing as example is better than two examples. It's like using two metaphors to describe one object in the same sentence. Not something to do often.
And the way you're phrasing the last part... Sounds like there were /no/ people today, which isn't what you want.
Taking all this into context, perhaps change this sentence to: "The streets were jammed with vendors selling all sorts goods, and were filled with people even on regular days." (you can use "normal" if you want; I prefer "regular")
quote:
Today, it was near impossible to even walk through the streets, as stuffed as they were.
You use "street" both in the sentence before and the sentence after. It's getting a bit overuse. Perhaps rephrase this to "Today, it was near impossible to even walk due to the massive crowds." It's "weaker" but it does get rid of street. You can also take the easier but less accurate way out by simply changing "street" to "road" or something.
quote:
The sun shone bright upon him, and sweat rolled down his face and neck.
Heh, we were just talking about adverbs. "bright" imo is no better than a misplaced adverb. Not a good fix. I'd change it to something stronger so it wouldn't need "bright."
Again, I'd use "on" rather than "upon"
I'd take out the comma due to the presence of the "and" but it's your call.
Finally, "face and neck" is again weaker than either one or the other. In this case, simply saying "face" is enough for the audience to imagine that, after it rolls down his face, it'll roll down his neck.
The first and last points are the more important ones, btw. Anyways, I'd rewrite the sentence like this: "Sunlight streamed down on him and sweat rolled down his face."
Hmm, thinking about it now, it seems a bit "He died, and the sky was blue" -ish. If you'll allow me to take a bit more creative liberty, I'd change the joint of the sentence. "and" is perhaps the weakest conjunction there is. There's better stuff out there. "Sunlight streamed down on him, causing sweat to form on his skin before rolling down his face." (just "rolling down his face" makes little sense since it caused the formation rather than the movement. Or: "Sunlight poured down from the sky, matching the sweat rolling down his face." (I like this one, but it's a little different). Or: "Sunlight poured over his face, causing the beads of sweat on his face to glisten." Eh, bit wordy. Ah well. Anyways, I hope you like at least one of these suggestions.
quote:
He had been wandering these streets for around an hour now, looking for her.
While the "lost" connotation of this word fits, the "no goal" connotation doesn't fit. Perhaps another word, like "stalking"? Though, it's fine as is if you can't think of anything better.
quote:
So far, his search has been fruitless.
"had" I'm assuming it's a typo, 'cause I know you know your tenses. =P
quote:
The voice was but a whisper, but he heard it clearly
I don't like the "double-but" In fact, I don't like either of the buts period. "The voice was a mere whisper" might be better. flows nicer and is less clunky.
As for the second but, I think "yet" fits more, if you don't take the first suggestion. Gets rid of the double-but.
"The voice was a mere whisper, but he heard it clearly" "The voice was but a whisper, yet he heard it clearly" "The voice was a mere whisper, yet he heard it clearly"
I personally like the third option best.
If you'll allow a bit of creative liberty here, I'll go as far as perhaps changing it so "he" isn't in the sentence. It's current "stronger" but changing it to exclude it might make it more focused, as "the voice" will be the only subject here. "The voice was a mere whisper, yet it carried through the air clearly" Again, any but/yet and mere/but combinations are fine.
quote:
As the light came down upon her, he saw that she was laughing.
"came down" is a weak statement.
It's... a bit "He died, the sky was blue"-ish here. It's not that bad, but a rephrasing can't hurt.
"Light poured (use "streamed" if you used "poured" in the earlier suggestion of the sweat thing) down upon her, emphasizing her content features." (outright laughing seems unlikely, especially since you later say she was only smiling)
quote:
Michael always thought that she looked her best when she smiled.
Is "her" unnecessary? Your call.
quote:
He was at a loss for words. She was walking toward him, her long black hair coming down over her face.
The two sentences seem to lack transition. I'd make it into one sentence to stop that.
Also, why "was walking"? The "was verbing" stuff in the beginning made sense, but here, it's really just weakening it.
Also, "walking" isn't a good word either. Perhaps another more descriptive one?
"coming down" is weak. "come" is not a good verb.
You can use a more flowery word for black if you like, but that's only because I'm Firefly, the overuser of the word "ebony" =P
"He found himself lost for words as she strode toward him, her long black hair falling over her face. " (You can replace "falling" with something even fancier, like "tumbling," if you prefer)
quote:
She was also wearing a new dress of a dazzling purple color, a beautiful necklace draped around her neck.
Imo, the three weakest verbs to use, especially when describing people, are "was" "wore" and "had." And you used two of them here, so yeah. =P
I'd also ask you to describe her a bit more here, be it her figure, her face, her eyes, the shape of her dress, ect. You won't be able to show how beautiful she really is to justify Michael's feelings unless you make us, the readers, also believe she is beautiful.
The last clause seems to stick out of the sentence, like it wasn't joined properly.
Given what I have to work with, taking creative liberty. If the info I've got is wrong, obviously don't take my suggestion. Also, describe more, more, more!
"The swirls of a dazzling purple dress swept around her ankles as she approached on a pair of elegant high heels. The bodice tightened over her slender figure, leading to a collar just below an ornate silver necklace." Something that effect. Sorry if I got it wrong.
quote:
Combined with her laugh, it made her look more beautiful than Michael had ever seen her.
I think... this is just awkward. I'm not sure how to fix it. "Combined with her laugh, the outfit made her seem more beautiful than ever before." Not sure if that's much better.
Okay, I'm taking a break for now. I'll be back.
Back.
quote:
She grabbed him, and pulled him into the alleyway.
Firstly, pwease kill the comma. Pwease? I don't like the pause there at all... Short sentence, "and" makes the comma unnecessary.
Now, while the abrupt feeling might be what you're going for, I suggest you elaborate on the actions a bit more. I don't really have a picture of what exactly she's doing. Did her hands grasp his shoulders? Did her hair whirl around her when she tore into the alleyway? Ect. Elaborate! =P
quote:
With that unusual strength that she seemed to get when she was emotional, she forced him up against the wall.
99% of the time, "seem" isn't a good word to use. Only use if /really/ necessary. Same with stuff like "as if" "almost" ect.
"get" is a weak verb.
I'd do something to get rid of the "was" Maybe try:
"With that unusual strength she possessed while emotional, she forced him up against the wall." You can take out the "up" if you want. It's not really unnecessary, but meh.
quote:
Her lips closed over his, and she kissed him.
Okay, I'm gonna be a bit harsh here.... "She kissed him, she kissed him" is basically what this is saying... I don't like the second part at all. I'd add more description instead, "Her lips closed over his, a touch of warmth that carried a taste of <insert whatever you want her to taste like>" Well, you don't have to describe that, you can do something even simpler, like adding an action. "Her lips closed over his as her hands slid up to stoke his hair." Meh, bad example. "Her lips closed over his in a taste of passion." A bit awkward. Gah! I suck at suggestions. Anyways, I hope you can find something better. If you really must keep the sentence as is, change it to "Her lips closed over his in a (passionate) kiss." instead of the current format, which is a bit repetitive.
quote:
Most of their time was like this- Charlotte would be the first one to admit that she was a very… ‘intimate’ woman, for lack of a better word.
So, he spends more time kissing her and, say, sleeping? =P JK. Anyways, I'd change it to "Most of their time together was like this"
I'd take out "one" I think "the first to admit" is a stronger statement.
Hmm, while I'm not a fan of authors admitting that they can't find another word (JK again) this effect is stylistic so I shouldn't complain. My objection is this. The quotations around "intimate." They're not unnecessary since you've got ellipses after "very" already. The quotations are overkill.
If you must keep the quotations, I'm not sure if it's a technical requirement or not, but I'd write it with double quotes.
Okay, about this whole kissing scene.... It might be style again, but it needs more description... It needs to feel more passionate. You /say/ her movements are passionate but you don't /show/ it so I, as the reader, don't have a strong enough vision of it. Am I making sense? More detail, more description, ect. I'd raise a few bold questions, in fact. Where were her hands while she kissed him? How did he feel as she pressed her body against his? What about the enviroment? The shadow of the alley encasing them in darkness, the rough feel of the wall scraping his back as she shoved him against it... Okay, I think you get the point. My personal philosophy is that the scene needs to be more... passionate. Sorry if I seem to be forcing my own style here... Ignore if you don't agree.
quote:
“Charlotte,” he said, pulling her off of him.
Well, she wasn't really literally on top of him, so this statement doesn't seem to be the best choice here. Plus, it doesn't flow well. Perhaps it's the "off of" that killed it for me. "he said, pushing her away." Nah, bad connotation. "he said, disentaging from her grasps." "he said, sliding out of her embrace." Argh. Find something yourself if these suggestions suck (which they probably do). ;)
quote:
Charlotte stopped, sensing that this wasn’t a time to be playful.
I dunno if this is fine or if "the" fits better. Your choice.
quote:
Michael had used this tone before, but only when he was discussing the most serious of matters.
The "but" here doesn't seem to be offering the right effect. As if the audience originally thought his tone wasn't serious (which they obvious didn't unless they can't sense the atmosphere at all. =P) I'd change this to "Michael had used this tone before, and it was reserved for the most serious of matters." You can add the "only" there but I find it unnecessary.
Sorry, that's only three paragraphs, but it's dinnertime. =P I'll be back. *evil laughter*
Back.
quote:
Michael stopped, seemingly unable to get the words out.
The "seemingly" is one of the ly things you talked about, eh? =P Perhaps "seeming to be..." though that still sounds bad...
"get" is weak.
Eh, I think you should redo this sentence entirely. Both "seemingly" and "get" are kinda weak and replacing them becomes awkward. Perhaps "Michael stopped, the words choking in his throat." (replace choking to any word you like, eg. "halting," "dissipating," "jamming" ect. if you like). Or rephrase it in some way even better if you can think of it.
quote:
She tried to look him in the eyes, but he dropped his head, apparently not willing to look back up.
The "she" threw me off. I'd say "Charlotte" since you were talking about Michael earlier, so the pronoun doesn't fit...
"look" is a weak word, and it's not nice to use it twice. I'd change both instances even.
"look him in the eyes" is kinda bulky and awkward. How about a fluid, simple "Charlotte tried to meet his eyes..." If you want something fancier, perhaps "Charlotte sought out his eyes with her own..."
"apparently not willing" is too bulky. A simpler "unwilling" is better, imo, and gets rid of "apparently."
"to look back up." refers back to the dropping of the head, which is a less important action than the fact that he didn't meet her eyes. I'd change it to "...to gaze back at her." or something. If you like the current effect of him dropping his head being the highlighted action, I'd still make this a more eloquent statement. The "look" is kinda plain. "...to gaze up again" perhaps?
The most optimum state of this sentence would be, imo, "Charlotte tried to meet his eyes, but he dropped his head, unwilling to gaze back at her." Of course, my suggestions had many combinations, so use whichever you like the most. The above sentence is simply my greatest preference. Only my opinion.
quote:
The shadows in the alley, which had previously seemed to be nothing more than benign, now seemed both cruel and menacing.
I'd use "of." "in" sounds like they were just hanging around there temporarily. "of" relates the shadows to the alley strongly, like they were truly /part/ of the alley.
The second clause is a bit bulky. Again, "seemed" ect. shouldn't be used too much. Plus, you're using it twice in the sentence.Your choice, but I'd rewrite it as "which were previously nothing more than benign..." And, again, personal preference, but changing "nothing" to "no" can be done as well to be less bulky.
If you don't want to take out the first "seem" as suggested, I suggest you change the second "seemed" to "appeared (to be)"
"both." isn't really necessary, since "cruel" and "menacing" are so similar.
quote:
“Michael, what is it? What do you want to tell me?”
The second sentence seems a little not-human and it's just an unnecessary repetition of the first. I think taking it out strengthens the dialogue. The case where you could keep the second part is if there's an action between there (eg. he doesn't respond for a long time) so she reasks the question. Since no such action exists, I think the second sentence is quite unnecessary.
quote:
She felt hysteria rising up in here, and the incessant chatter of the men in the streets did nothing to help it.
"her" Typo.
I feel that the first clause is awkward but I can't think of how to fix it... Perhaps "She felt hysteria arise in her body"? Not much better.... Think of something on your own then...
I think the sentence works better without the "it." in there. It's unnecessary.
quote:
“Michael? Michael, are you-“
Ending quote pointing the wrong way, apparently. =P
quote:
Charlotte stopped, realizing what the sound was.
This is the second time you use "stopped" when someone stops talking. Getting a bit repetitive. I think there are better ways to do it, ways to not make it seem like they're stopping in general in their movements. Perhaps "fell silent" here?
quote:
Not choking, no- he was laughing.
Stylistic, but I think it adds more impact if you make a new sentence there. "Not choking. No- he was laughing."
quote:
She brought her hand down on his ear, hard.
This seems to lack transition from the previous sentence to here. I think adding something about how she felt might be better. "Feeling rage bubble within her, she brought her hand down on his ear, hard." "Glaring at his amused face, she brought her hand down on his ear, hard." Something to add more emotion and transition, anyways.
quote:
He looked up, and despite his apparent pain, he was grinning at her.
"was grinning" is passive. Not a necessary passive voice here. But anyways, the suggestion below eliminates this.
I think this is better if you rework the sentence clause order. Currently, it doesn't flow too well and is kinda bulky. How about "He looked up, grinning despite his apparent pain." I think that flows much better and still gets the point across.
quote:
Her face changed quickly, turning from a look of anger to a look of surprise, and then once more to a smile.
Well, this sentence is inherently stylistic, so ignore me if you want to keep the style. However, I think you can do better. Something cleaner/shorter (without the repetitions) and using more powerful words than "change" and "turn" which are rather weak for depicting change when compared to "shift" and "flicker" ect. "Her face flickered from enraged to surprised before shifting into a smile again." is what I suggest. Also gets rid of "then" which is something I dislike in writing. <_< Sounds... not like the most mature word choice.
quote:
“It’s a Yerian Ring.” Michael said, pulling the ring out of his pocket.
The speech tag cannot stand alone as a sentence, so the period after "Ring" should be a comma.
I don't like the repetition of "ring" I'd change the second one to "it"
quote:
Charlotte squinted, trying to get a closer look at the ring
Too many "rings." I don't think it's necessary. Makes sense without it.
quote:
(but not too close- Charlotte, despite being a commoner, had been raised right and proper, and she knew it was ill manner to look a gift horse in the mouth)
Nothing wrong with this, but it seems a bit like infodump, like an author feeding the stuff to a reader by talking to them directly. Nothing wrong with that, but I dunno if it fits with the rest of your writing style. Maybe it's just me. I used to do this /a lot/ until I decided it clashed with my style so I never did it again. It's your choice if you wanna rework this or not.
quote:
It was beautiful, a precious azure stone held in place by a flawless gold band.
If you take my previous suggestion(s) of taking the "rings" out, then it might be a good idea to use "The ring" here since it's been an ample amount of time since you referred back to it.
Another seven paragraphs done. I'll be back.
quote:
It is said that if you give someone a Yerian Ring, no harm will come to that person as long as the ring’s worn
You might wanna consider putting a comma after "that." "if you give someone a Yerian Ring" is something that might be nice with commas surrounding both sides of it. However, it's not completely necessary.
"that person" is kinda bulky and awkward and it repeats "that." I think "will come to them as..." is simpler and more effective.
It's a rather key moment of explanation. When people explain, they tend to not use contractions like they would when they're shouting or something. It might be how I talk, but changing "ring's" to "ring is" seems more likely to be said.
Leaves this: "It is said that, if you give someone a Yerian Ring, no harm will come to them as long as the ring is worn"
quote:
Michael gently grabbed her hand, and slid the ring onto her finger.
"grab" has a violent connotation and "gently" is just the opposite. Seems a little contradictory, so simply taking "gently" out to avoid the -ly doesn't really work. I'd go with a full rephrase.
Btw, is the comma really necessary? Your call. It's not a big deal.
"Michael enclosed her hand in a gentle grip and slid the ring onto her finger." You can replace "enclose" and "grip" with any words of your choice.
quote:
The ring was a gift to his love, Karra the Provider.”
It's probably just me, but it doesn't sound right to use love not in a direct statement from that person. Not sure if "his love" sounds right like "my love" would, y'know? Changing it to "lover" won't work either 'cause that clashes with "Provider" with the double -er. Umm, would "loved one" work? Eh, doesn't give the right connotation. Maybe you should just leave it... Yeah, you can just leave it unless you can think of a better replacement than me.
quote:
As a little girl, she’d adored the tales
In straight narration, I usually prefer little to no contractions unless it's in first person. It's your style to do otherwise. However, this, imo, is going too far. "She'd" is barely in even in dialogue unless by people with heavier accents. I /really/ suggest you just put "she had" here.
quote:
Yeria was doomed to die a hero’s death at a young age, fighting the enemies of his god, Aerion.
I think this should be capitalized. Someone told me that someone told them that if a "God" is believed by the POV person, it should be capitalized. If they believe in this God, I think it should be capitalized.
quote:
Karra was prepared to accept the pain his inevitable murder would cause, if only so that they could enjoy their love now.
"murder" sounds like he's killing someone else. Why not say "death" to sound like he's the one dying?
The "now" at the end seems hastily thrown in, as if it was ill-placed. I'd rephrase, perhaps. "...his inevitable death would cause, just so they could enjoy the love they currently shared." A bit wordy. Heh, think of something on your own if you can. The other suggestions I threw into the example you can use or ignore.
quote:
And of course, knowing about the romance, Charlotte knew about the ring.
"Charlotte also knew" is stronger, imo, but this is minor.
quote:
Yeria had gone a month long journey
"had gone on" might be what you meant. It makes no sense right now.
"month-long" needs a hyphen because it is a single adjective.
quote:
crossing all kinds of rugged terrain and fighting all kinds of terrible beasts in order to find the parts for the ring.
I think "in order" is rather wordy and unnecessary.
"for" might be better as an "of" since "of" relates the parts closer to the ring.
quote:
After that, it had taken another month for Yeria to finish crafting the ring.
You're repeating ring by ending both sentences with it. Perhaps change this one to "crafting it"?
quote:
It was said that he worked day and night on that ring, pouring his very soul into it.
"entire" or something to a quantitative degree seems to fit better here. "very" is more just telling he did pour his soul into it while "entire" would specify just how much he poured in. Seems to give more impact, imo.
quote:
she thought it was the most beautiful thing that she had ever seen (asides from Yeria himself, of course.)
This doesn't fit in my head. Seems like it should be "aside"
quote:
But Charlotte also knew the darker side to the story of the ring.
I think it flows better/makes more sense if you change the "to" into an "of" and rephrase the last bit so that you don't have an "of" repetition. "But Charlotte also knew the darker side of the ring's tale."
quote:
Karra would only wear the ring when Yeria was away, and there was a chance that he might not make it home.
Just a suggestion, but perhaps, to avoid the ring repetition, change this one to "band" or something?
I think you can do better than an "and" conjunction here. How about a stylistic repetition for emphasis?
I think the "that" near the end is rather unnecessary. It's one of those words that is bad when overused, so don't use unless necessary. Flow better without here.
"Karra would only wear the ring when Yeria was away, when there was a chance he might not make it home."
quote:
The ring, as beautiful as it was, was a symbol of death.
I don't think the first "as" is necessary here and the repetition of "was" kinda threw off my reading. I suggest "The ring, though beautiful, was a symbol of death." Meh, not the best fix... But it gets rid of both repetitions. If you don't want that, perhaps at least take out the first "as"
quote:
If someone gave a Yerian Ring out, it meant that that someone was about to embark on a journey, one in which their survival was not certain.
Gah. I don't like the double that here. Make my tongue curl up. =P I'd sacrifice the stylistic repetition of "someone" to avoid the tongue-hardship. =P "...it meant that they were about..." perhaps?
I'd use "uncertain" rather than "not certain." Less bulky.
You can keep it just like that, or you can shorten it if you like. "...embark on a journey where their survival was uncertain" could also work. The current version might be better though. I'm just trying to leave your options open. ;)
quote:
Michael, just what is it that you are going to do?
This seems a little... not-human. It's kinda awkward. A simple "Michael, what are you going to do" could work. If you want to keep the current effect... "Michael, just what are you going to do?" Makes it less clunky.
quote:
And don’t tell me you’re not doing anything- I know what this ring means just as well as you
Same problem as the above. It's not human-ish enough. "And don't tell me 'nothing'--I know what this ring means as well as you do." perhaps? The second part is the more important to fix part. The first part of the second that I changed is your call.
quote:
Michael sighed, and gently stroked his hand through her hair.
I'd take out all the crossed-out words. They're either weak or unnecessary (what else is he gonna stroke her with? =P) "stroked" already gives enough connotation to make "gently" needless. I'd take out the comma too since it's too short a sentence to warrant a pause, but that's minor.
quote:
You always were clever, Charlotte.
I'd switch the order of those two words. Why? One, it flows better. Two, the adverb isn't as important as the verb, so coming after makes more sense in my head.
quote:
But my duty to Karros must come first
I don't think the "must" is necessary. It's a bit bulky. "But my duty to Karros comes first"?
quote:
Charlotte was getting worried now.
This feels, imo, a bit info-dumpish. Better to show how she was worried that say she was worried. If the worst comes and you can't think of anything, at least say she felt worry rise up in her instead of "she was worried." "was" and "get" are both weaker verbs. I suggest: "Charlotte's lips tightened as she felt worry well up inside her." Gives impersonation, information, as well as a real, outward action to show /how/ she was worried, y'know?
quote:
Michael had never spoken about his ‘duty’ before
Perhaps that should be double quotes, since singles are supposed to go in doubles and there is no doubles outside of this.
quote:
this must be something very serious.
"must" is a bit weak/informal in straight narration, I'd say. Perhaps "this was evidently something very serious."?
quote:
We’re fighting our own countrymen, their minds set on treason.
Sen spoke about this being awkward, and I agree. I think there's actually a very simple way to fix this though. Perhaps "We’re fighting our own countrymen, whose minds are set on treason." Yeah, I think that's better.
quote:
And I, Prince Michael Hargood, am going to support the war effort. My father, King Josset, is announcing it at his Royal Address today.
If they're really this close, there's absolutely no reason to go all formal here. She'd know who he and his father are. I... feel like you're trying to use the dialogue to convey their names to us. It's coming out like something an author, not a character, would say in this situation. I'd take these out and give the info some other time, 'kay? Names aren't too hard to give. You can give them in straight narration without sounding very info-dumpish.
quote:
Charlotte felt tears beginning to form in her eyes.
Now, "beginning to" do something is also one of those "avoid unless completely necessary things" alongside "seemed" "almost" "as if" ect. I've made these mistakes /a lot/. "Charlotte felt tears forming in her eyes." doesn't sound to good either, perhaps because "form" isn't too strong a verb... Eh, "Charlotte felt tears brimming in her eyes." Ah, much better. But if you want to go the extra mile of trimming this down, I'd go as far as saying "Tears brimmed in Charlotte's eyes." to get rid of the unnecessary "felt" word. Your choice. Both these work fairly well.
quote:
She knew that everything he was saying was true
"said" works much better here. The passive voice doesn't make sense unless he's still talking right this moment, which isn't the case.
quote:
And when he finally did hug her, pulling her close to his chest, she started crying.
"hug" isn't too good a word for formal writing. Perhaps "embrace"?
Well, she already had tears in her eyes, so you need something more violent than "crying" here for this to make sense. "pulling her close to his chest, she sobbing uncontrollably." Or, if you want to relate back to the tears thing before "pulling her close to his chest, she allowed her tears to fall." "pulling her close to his chest, she let her tears fall." "let" is the weaker verb than "allow" but I think the second suggestion is less bulky, so that's the one I'd use.
quote:
For a time, they just stood there, holding each other.
"time" is vague. Perhaps "moment" if it's short, "while" if it's longer.
"just" is rather weak. However, it does work nicely here. If you do want to eliminate it, though, you can use "simply stood" (Alliteration FTW!)
"holding," imo, isn't strong enough for this scene. To show their desperation, their love, ect. I'd use "clinging" here.
quote:
Charlotte was sobbing, and Michael was saying whatever he could to help soothe her.
You already said she's crying. Plus, if you take my earlier suggestion, this might become redundant. And it's passive voice. Now, if I can be so bold as to change this entirely... "Michael found himself uttering every word of comfort that came to his lips--anything to sooth the tearful girl in his arms." Change tearful to "sobbing" if you took one of my "tears" suggestions instead of the sobbing one two points above.
quote:
So, when a man walked into the alley, they were too distracted to even notice him.
"they" is a bit vague at this key point of the story. Perhaps "the two"?
I'm taking a break for now before I lose concentration.
quote:
“Today is the Grand Sowing Festival, and you’re still sad?”
This sounds human enough, but I think the structure is still rather narrative-ish. May I suggest: "Being sad on the Grand Sowing Festival? What a shame..." You can take the second sentence out if you prefer, but I think it works better like that. You can also take out the "being" is you wanna sacrifice grammar for dialogue realism.
quote:
Michael turned to look, and saw just what he had expected
You can keep or take out the comma.
I'd take out the "had" It's not completely necessary, since he still anticipates since it's proven true, y'know? Or maybe I just think it flows better without.
quote:
a heavily muscled knight, wearing a long black and crimson cloak.
I think you can describe this a bit better. The order of the descriptors threw me off a bit. "a heavily muscled knight in a black and crimson cloak that spilled to his knees." Something to that effect to be more organized. Change knees to however long it really is, like heels or hips or whatever.
quote:
Charlotte also gave her attention to the newcomer
Fine as is. It can also be written "Charlotte also gave the newcomer her attention" to eliminate one word, but it's completely your choice.
quote:
At first she was surprised, then worried, but when she saw Michael start smiling, she smiled too.
Basics. Show, don't tell. Show how she was suprised. Show how she was worried. "She first flinched in surprise, then creased her brow in worry, but she soon saw that Michael was smiling, so she smiled too." You can redo the last bits a bit. I changed it to flow better than the original in this context, but it's still not the best. You can use different actions, like gasping in surprise or tightening her lips in worry instead of the ones in the example.
quote:
From the way that the man laughed at this
I'd say it's unnecessary.
quote:
They appeared to be good friends, despite the fact that Michael was only in his late teens and this ‘Sir Evan’ appeared to be around forty years old.
A bit repetitive.
The major problem with this sentence, again, is that it's a bit more tell than show. /How/ did they appear to be good friends? Also, I think you can trim down the wordiness at the later parts. I suggest: "Their cheerful interaction indicated a tight comradeship, despite Michael being only in his late teens and ‘Sir Evan’ appearing to be around forty." You can keep some of the extra words if you like. The repetition and show/tell thing is more important.
quote:
“It’s been a long time since I’ve wooed a maiden, Your Highness.” said Sir Evan, chuckling.
Period after "Highness" should be comma.
quote:
Charlotte blushed again as she heard this.
I wouldn't repeat "blushed" again. Gets redundant. "Charlotte reddened again as she heard this." "Charlotte's cheeks grew hot again as she heard this." "Charlotte's cheeks turned red again as she heard this." Try one of these.
quote:
Pardon me, Prince, but I’d like to introduce myself
Perhaps "my Prince" sounds more human here, imo.
quote:
Charlotte Nanea of Limani, I am Sir Evan Rorrik of Limani. I am a humble servant of King Josset and Prince Michael, and serve as both the King’s right hand and as the leader of the Royal League.
The two are too close together that is becomes rather redundant. I'd rephrase the sentences to get rid of this. Join the second sentence with the first and breaking the second clause of the second sentence into a standalone sentence perhaps? "Charlotte Nanea of Limani, I am Sir Evan Rorrik of Limani, humble servant of King Josset and Prince Michael. I serve as both the King’s right hand and as the leader of the Royal League." Yeah, I think that sounds better.
quote:
Charlotte knew only faintly what the Royal League was, but from what she did know, they served as the King’s elite body guard.
Rather redundant. I'd rephrase the first part. "Charlotte's understanding of the Royal League was faint, but from what she did know..."
Okay, I change my mind after looking at the second part of the sentence. The part after "know" is phrased with not so good correlation as the rest. I'd kill a clause and bring it together less wordily. Also, "bodyguard" is one word. Shouldn't it be "bodyguards" though since it's more than one? I dunno if using this as a group singular context works with this particular word. "Charlotte's understanding of the Royal League was faint, but she did know that they served as the King’s elite bodyguards." Ignore the stuff about bodyguards if the plural is wrong, though I'm fairly certain about it being one word. The condensing clauses is more important anyways. =P
quote:
If this man was truly the leader of the Royal League, he was a very powerful man indeed.
Repetition of "man" is unpleasant. Perhaps change the second to "individual"? You can actually take the second "man" out entirely, but "individual" fits quite nicely too.
"truly was" might flow better than "was truly" but that's purely personal preference.
quote:
My first and most important duty is to protect my realm, and its people.
Okay, I do call this personal preference most times, but here... I /really/ suggest you take out the comma. Read it aloud. See what the comma does? It pauses the speech. Should he logically pause there, as if hesitating from protecting the people? No. See my point?
quote:
Sir Evan bent down and gently kissed Charlotte’s hand.
Hehe, to repeat what you said "adverbs = bad"
quote:
People like you, my lady- although few are as charming.
I had to read this over twice to understand what you meant here. I think making the dash a full stop period is better. Perhaps that makes it more clear. I thought you meant nothing is more charming than people or something, hehe. "People like you, my lady. Although, few are as charming." Changing "as" to "this" might make it more clear. It's weaker, but makes the meaning more obvious. Or, even better, I'd add an action between there to enhance it. "People like you, my lady." He winked. "Although, few are as charming." Meh, take your pick.
quote:
For the third time that day, Charlotte blushed again.
I've no objection about "blushed" here since it's quite a bit further from the last one assuming you take the second one out. However, "the third time" makes "again" rather redundant, imo. I think it's stronger without.
quote:
She knew that Sir Evan was only treating her this way because she was with Prince Michael, but she still enjoyed it.
I think MS addressed something about not using "Prince" considering how close Charlotte is with Michael, and I'm gonna repeat him. Wait, was it this point in his part? Maybe not. Anyways, a simple Michael is more realistic. We already know he's the Prince.
"it" is rather weak here. "she still enjoyed the attention" perhaps?
quote:
It was every girl’s dream to be swept off their feet by a knight in shining armor
Untrue! /me raises objection flag. I do not want to be swept off my feet, especially not by a knight. I like my feet to be planted firmly in the ground, thank you very much. <_< [/lameattemptatjokeinthemiddleofcritique] =P
quote:
and Charlotte was certainly no exception.
Self-explanatory. =P
quote:
And, even though he was much older than her, Sir Evan was still quite handsome- and he had a personal charisma that even Michael could not match.
The dash and the first "and" makes the second "and" really redundant and repetitive.
quote:
“You flatter me, Sir Evan. Perhaps Michael should be getting worried, with competition like you.” Charlotte said, giggling.
“Perhaps I should.” said Michael, laughing himself. “Sir Evan, why is it that you came to see me, exactly? As beautiful as my Charlotte is, I doubt that she was the reason.”
You missed a line break there.
quote:
Perhaps Michael should be getting worried, with competition like you.” Charlotte said, giggling.
Period after "you" should be a comma. The speech tag is part of the sentence.
quote:
“Perhaps I should.” said Michael, laughing himself.
Period after "should" should be a comma.
"laughing himself" is a weak statement here, imo. It's a bit confusing. Perhaps "...Michael, joining in the laughter"?
quote:
Sir Evan, why is it that you came to see me, exactly? As beautiful as my Charlotte is, I doubt that she was the reason.
Dialogue is a bit wordy. This might just be the way Michael talks; if so, ignore me. If not, my suggestion: "Sir Evan, why exactly did you come to see me?" sounds more human.
Perhaps "is" instead of "was" since the rest of the sentence is in present? It's not a big deal though.
quote:
No, she was not, Your Highness
If you take the above suggestion, this should be "is" as well.
quote:
I expected you to be alone, however.
I suggest a trimming of this to make it more human perhaps "I did expect you to be alone." You can italicize the "did" if you like. Your choice here.
quote:
But it is no real matter.
What's no real matter? I thought, for a second, that you meant that what the king had to say wasn't really a big deal... Perhaps join this with the previous sentence? "I did expect you to be alone, but it's no real matter either way." You can take out "either way" if you wanna go the extra mile of trimming.
quote:
“Shouldn’t I be the one to do that, Sir Evan?” said Michael.
Unnecessary speech tag, imo. It doesn't add anything to a dialogue and who's speaking is very clear due to how they traded off words for a while already.
quote:
But now, you really need to be getting to the city square
A bit awkward. Perhaps "But you need to go to the city square right now"?
quote:
Michael gave Charlotte one last kiss, slipping his hood back on as he did.
Your choice, but you could describe this final kiss in more detail. (I talked about romance detail somewhere above) since it's so important. Or, you can leave it if you purposefully want the "it's no big deal; everything's gonna be alright." feeling to fool your audience. Your choice depending on what effect you want.
quote:
slipping his hood back on as he did. As soon as his disguise was properly on
Repetitive and "on" is rather weak in the second case, imo. Perhaps change the second "on" to "donned"?
quote:
Michael walked back out into the crowds, headed towards the center of Limani.
This should be "heading" in this case to make the comma the correct way to join the parts.
quote:
Charlotte watched him as he walked away, unsure about what to say
The two "walked"'s are too close together. Perhaps change one to a synonym, like "strode"?
quote:
There was so much that she wanted to tell him, but she couldn’t manage to get any of it out.
Last part is rather wordy and the way you say it is a bit weak. Perhaps "but she couldn't bring herself to utter the words." "but she couldn't vocalize the words" "but she couldn't get any of the words out" (this is if you wanna keep the general structure. If you'll allow me some creative liberty, you can even do some personification. "but the words died in her throat" I think this is the best option, though it is rather different from the original.
quote:
Eventually, she was forced to settle for a simple ‘Goodbye.’ that she doubted he even heard.
I'd use double quotes and the period should be a comma or maybe even nothing altogether. It's not a big deal as long as it's not a period.
quote:
said Sir Evan, putting his hand out,
Weak word choice. How about "holding"?
Yay! I feel accomplished! I'm done the first scene. More soon, Rational!
quote:
“Is this your house, Charlotte?”
I dunno if it sounds fine as is or if the other order is better. ("This is your house, Charlotte?") Hmm, I think the current one sounds more chivalrous and stuff while the other one is more natural. Your call, though I'd keep it.
quote:
When she nodded, Sir Evan opened the door and stepped inside.
I don't like "she." Even if you stated her name in the dialogue, opening a scene with a pronoun is a bit vague, imo. I suggest "When the girl..."
Wait. He stepped inside before her? I dunno if that makes sense. Considering that they weren't supposed to suspect danger, I doubt he'd go in first as if to protect her. As a knight, he'd probably be polite enough to be "ladies first" right? I'd change this to: "When the girl nodded, Sir Evan opened the door and admitted her inside before following." or something.
quote:
What he saw surprised him, and judging from her gasp, he guessed that it surprised Charlotte too.
I personally would put the comma after the "and" since the aside is "judging from her gasp" but this can be bended around a bit depending on where you want your audience to pause.
The last part there feels like you've got too many nouns or something. I think the "he" part can be eliminated. Would it flow better as "it apparently suprised Charlotte as well." ("too" is a bit informal. Perhaps "as well" is better)
quote:
The room was quite dark, but the light from the open door allowed Sir Evan to make things out quite clearly.
Okay... Key point of the story. All the audience has to work with is "dark" I think you can give us more. This, imo, is a /really/ good place to put in some imagery to set up the mood, the atmosphere, ect. All you've got is one clause. I'd say at least a sentence of imagery here. Personification, metaphors, and similies are your friends. ;)
The last part is a bit wordy and awkward. I mean, "make things out"?! I think it doesn't fit in with the seriousness of the scene. How about "allowed Sir Evan to discern the inside quite clearly"?
quote:
There on the couch sat a man that he could only assume was Charlotte’s father.
You're overusing the "could only" phrase and those alike it, imo. It's unnecessary. Like "seem" and stuff. Why not a simple "...a man he assumed to be Charlotte's..."
quote:
A very scantly dressed woman sat next to him, massaging his shoulders.
The "very" really lowered the seriousness and professionalism, imo. I suggest you take it out.
Repetition of "sat" Perhaps another verb, like "lounged"?
quote:
Charlotte’s father was smiling, but as he saw who was coming through his door, his smile quickly changed to a look of horrified surprise.
Since his identity is "assumed," I don't think calling him "Charlotte's father" helps the assumption tone very much. How about "The man" here, especially since you use the words "Charlotte's father" a lot?
Imo, "when" is much stronger than "as" here.
I prefer "the" door rather than "his" since it's Charlotte's home too, y'know. ;)
Repetition of "smile" with "smiling." Could be stylistic, but I'd prefer it if you changed the "smile" to "grin" or something to avoid redundancy.
"quickly changed," hehe. Perhaps a stronger verb to replace the adverb. "twisted" perhaps? Also, if you use "twisted," then the "to" would make more sense as an "into"
Leaves this as: "The man was smiling, but when he saw who was coming through the door, his grin twisted into a look of horrified surprise."
quote:
Charlotte did as she was told, and walked outside.
Gonna be blunt here. Imo, extremely unneeded second clause. Only a bit better than "She walked outside, she walked outside." =P He told her to go outside. She does it. Do you have to state that she walked? I mean, would the average audience accidentally think she flew outside, lol? =P
quote:
Sir Evan merely stood there, watching Charlotte’s father.
It's probably just me, but the "merely" feels a bit off. I usually don't suggest simplifying things, but I actually think taking it out or changing to something like "just" might be better.
"watching" could be a better verb, imo. How about "surveying"?
quote:
“Get out.” said Jon Nanea (that was his name, Sir Evan remembered).
Period after "out" should be a comma.
Now, I don't like the way you did this remembrance. Imo, sounded a bit like he didn't know but you, as the author, made him remember so you won't have to keep saying "the man" and "Charlotte's father." I suggest you include his name right in the beginning of introducing him.
If you can't do that, this thought could be padded out better. I'd italicize and make it a bit more direct, like the character is actually just remembering.
“Get out,” said Jon Nanea. Yes, that was his name, Sir Evan remembered.
Eh, not that much better. You can keep the brackets, but they're rather informal, imo. I suggest you you take the first suggestion of moving it right to the beginning of the scene. Or perhaps mention his name in the first scene so as to support how Sir Evan knew.
quote:
These two words were delivered quickly in a voice heavy with anger.
Imo, "two" ruins the flow and is unneeded.
"by" might work better than "in" here.
quote:
Now, you just wait one minute
This piece of dialogue seems a bit awkward. I suggest you switch the order of the bolded words or take out "just" entirely.
quote:
She was stopped mid-sentence by Jon’s hand. It was an open hand slap and hard enough that Sir Evan could hear it from across the room.
I have a few problems with the second sentence.
1. Most slaps, even if not too hard, are capable of being heard of across a room unless said room was some big ballroom. I know this from, er, personal experience, shall we say...
2. Repetition of "hand." Imo, "slap" alone means it's probably open-hand so it's an necessary descriptor.
3. The entire sentence just basically dragged on too long and was too awkward.
So... if I can take some creative liberities, I'd change it to a simple: "She was stopped mid-sentence by Jon’s hand. The slap echoed across the room." If you wanna be all technical about it, "She was stopped mid-sentence by Jon’s hand. The sound of the slap echoed across the room."
Will be back. Sorry for taking so long to get back to this.
quote:
“I told you to get out. I meant it.”
You can italicize "get out" here. Or you can not. Just giving an option.
quote:
When she listened to him, however, and actually went for the front door, all it earned her was another slap.
I think you can cut the first clause entirely. It's clear that, if she goes for the door, she's listening to him. Trim down the wordiness.
"front door" causes the power of this statement to be lowered. It's clear which door she went for after he yells after her afterwards. Noting that it's the front door is unrealistic because the POV character doesn't think it's a big deal. If you note it, it's like you're giving too much info to the audience. Let them figure out on their own why it's not acceptable after he yells again.
Leaves this something like "When she actually went for the door, however, all she received was another slap." (changed the ending around a bit to have less unecessary nouns hanging around)
quote:
The woman quickly walked to the back door as he watched her, his jaw clenched in anger.
"quickly walked" could become "pattered" "bustled" ect. to get rid of the -ly and simply use a stronger, more telling verb to indicate. I can't think of anything very amazing atm so feel free to use your own fix rather than my crappy suggestions.
quote:
When he turned back to Sir Evan, however, he had a smile on his face. It was one of the worst fakes that Sir Evan had ever laid eyes on.
Repetitive/overused. Change the second one to "the knight" perhaps?
quote:
“Hello, sir.” said Jon, walking toward the entrance.
Comma rather than period after "sir." The speech tag and action are the same sentence as the speech.
Imo, "towards" flows better here for some reason, but they mean the same thing, so ignore me. =P
quote:
To Sir Evan’s disgust, the man was positively drenched in sweat.
Imo, this could be a bit more clear. Was he disgusted by the look of the sweat or the smell of it? You can describe more to /show/ us. So that we can also feel disgusted. ;)
quote:
Jon took a small half-bow in front of Sir Evan, before putting out his hand.
"took" seems rather... stage-like. As if he's taking it after receiving a round of applause for an audience in a concert rather than showing repect. It's probably just me, but something like "performed" can work too.
Also, "small" makes the "half" part of "half-bow redundant and vice versa. If it's a half-bow, it's a small bow. If it's a small bow, it's a half-bow. See what I mean? I'd change it to "small bow" or "half-bow" (without the small)
The comma is unnecessary. I dunno why it's there.
"placing" or something to replace "putting" is what I suggest 'cause "putting" is a rather weak/informal verb.
I'll be back. I feel kinda crappy right now and I'll probably start spewing nonsense if I don't take a break.
quote:
”Did you know that your daughter was having a relationship with Prince Michael?”
...This is a little sudden. I dunno, it seems /way/ too sudden. Is there a specific reason why? Or else it doesn't seem human without some transition...
quote:
Jon’s first reply was not an answer, but another question.
Imo, unneeded. We know it's his first reply you're talking about. He can't go talking in questions forever.
quote:
Sir Evan hated when people answered like that.
This feels... very info-dumpish. Imo, you can do some showing rather than telling here. /Show/ his dislike to us. For example: "Sir Evan pursed his lips in annoyance."
In case you don't take my suggestion, I think this makes more sense as "...hated it when..."
quote:
Jon’s reply was nervous, and came through in a quiet, soft voice.
Here's something I've learned. When you can trim something, make it shorter and convey the same message, generally go for it. this could be changed to something like, "Jon’s reply was soft and nervous."
quote:
Sir Evan knew that this meant Jon knew the implications of what his daughter had done.
Imo, can be said more... eloquently. Also, you can take out the repetition of "knew" and the repetition of "Jon." "Sir Evan realized that the man knew about the consequences of his daughter's actions." Hmm, still seems a little bulky. I'd go trim it a big more, take out the Sir Evan part entirely... "The man was aware of the consequences of his daughter's actions." You can replace consequences with any word of your choice.
quote:
A Prince or Princess loving one of a common blood was something that had been forbidden since Karros, at least until they became King or Queen.
"since Karros" what? "since the beginning of Karros" perhaps? Last time I checked, Karros was the country, not a time or person.
This statement is rather confusing. I had to read it over several times to understand. I thought you meant that one of royal blood can't love one of common blood until the commoner suddenly becomes king/queen, lol. Perhaps a rephase to make it more clear? "Until they became King or Queen, a Prince or Princess was forbidden from loving one of common blood. This rule had been established since the beginning of Karros." (I broke it into two sentences since it seemed to flow better that way).
Wait a second... Oh, that would make the next line bad though. Lemme try again. "A Prince or Princess loving one of a common blood had been forbidden since the beginning of Karros. However, the law no longer stood after they were instated onto the throne." It might be "weaker" but, imo, less confusing. Or you can ignore me.
quote:
(King Josset himself took full advantage of that rule- Sir Evan himself personally knew of over two dozen women that the King had ‘loved’, if you wanted to call it that.)
It may simply be style, but I think the things in brackets takes away from the professionalism. Sounds a bit info-dumpish. I'm sure you can feed info to readers without needing to make these notes to them.
I'd do either of the following:
1. While this piece of info does show the king's personality, is it really important/necessary? If not, I'd say take it out entirely. You can even give it later on in the story through dialogue or thoughts or something.
2. If it /is/ necessary and you /must/ show it right now, I suggest removing the brackets and rephrasing to something like this: "King Josset himself took full advantage of this rule- Sir Evan could recall over two dozen women that the King had ‘loved,' if that was even a proper word for it." I took out the second person thing at the end since it seems too informal.
Note two other things. One, I'm not sure, but I think the quote after "loved" should be outside the comma, not inside. Two, the period might be better outside of the closing bracket if you decide to keep the brackets."
Be back later.
quote:
“If I was not sure, I would not be here right now.
Might be just my preference, but I think "wouldn't" sounds a little more human. If you want to take it an extra step further, I'd go as far as saying "wasn't" but "was not" seems to work fine too so you can leave that.
quote:
Now, you did not answer my question: Did you know, or did you not?”
All the "did (not)s" are kinda getting a bit clunky and annoying. It might be for effect, but it's a little overbearing. Perhaps consider changing the last part to "Did you know or not?"
quote:
Sir Evan said this with a crisp, interrogative tone that the first asking of the question had lacked.
I prefer "in" rather than "with" since the tone of part of the voice, not just with it like a side-dish, but meh, your choice.
The last part is just rather awkward and wordy. Perhaps "...tone that had not been present the first time it was asked"? I think the audience can deduce that "it" is the question, but your choice. Anyways, I'd try to shorten and change that part so it's not so awkward.
quote:
Sir Evan had used that tone many times, and knew that it was something that got him results.
Starting two sentences a row with "Sir Evan" isn't necessary. You can say "He had..." or "The tone had been used..."
"this" might be better than "that" but no big deal.
Second part, once again, is a little awkward and wordy. "got" isn't a very strong word either... I'd change it to "...and knew it garnered him results" or something. Replace "garner" with "gain" or any word of your choice.
However, if you'd allow me to be really bold, I actually think you're overdoing the explanation of his tone here. Perhaps consider killing this sentence entirely. It isn't really necessary, imo.
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“No, of course I didn’t know!” said Jon.
I think it sounds more natural without the "no" It's unnecessary with the "of course I didn't know" Say it aloud. Think about what you'd say in that situation. Would you said "no" at the beginning?
I also think you can find a better word than said here. Exclaimed or something. Your choice. Or, kill the speech tag altogether. We know who's talking and it doesn't really add to the dialogue, so it can be killed.
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Sir Evan smiled at this last statement, but the smile had a distinct lack of humor to it.
You can kill a few parts of this sentence, imo. Like the "at this last statement" part (we know what he smiled at) and the "had a distinct" part (could be a simple "but the smiled lacked all traces of humour") I'm mainly for the first one. The "Had a distinct" part actually adds to the sentence.
It can be a bit more showing and less telling. Something like "Sir Evan smiled, but his eyes remained cold" Or you can keep as is. Doesn't matter. A bit of exposition is okay. If you don't take the showing suggestion, try something like "Sir smiled, but the smile had a distinct lack of humour to it."
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Sir Evan paused, letting his words take full effect.
I think the words "Sir Evan" just have been used far too much in this passage. I'd change this one to "he" I mean, it's clear who he's addressing, since he's talking to Jon and there're only two people here.
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“So, what is it you want?
I think this makes more grammatical sense as “So, what is it that you want?" I know your characters talk eloquently and stuff, but I think, in this circumstance, when he's all panicked, perhaps "So, what do you want?" might sound more human if you think adding the "that" would make it too clunky.
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The smile on Jon’s face greatly irritated Sir Evan.
I'd take that word out. "great" /is not/ a great word. It's rather... dead in literature. If you must keep it, I suggest moving it to the end of the sentence to flow better and also to come later since it's not as important as the other words.
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Yes, that’s what I came here for. And I suggest you give your full cooperation.
Ignore me if you wanna keep it eloquent, but I'd trim it down. The long sentences and extra words aren't helping the tension and suspense of the scene. They seem less... suspenseful/ominous. I suggest: "Yes, that’s why I'm here. And I suggest you cooperate." You can change both sentences to my suggestion or just change one or ignore me. =P
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Jon chuckled, and his grin widened.
I don't like the structure here. Perhaps I simply think "and" is a weak conjunction. I'd change it to "Jon chuckled, his grin widening." to make more sentence variation rather than just "and this and that"
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And all I ask for in return is a small gift from the King.
It seems more human without the "and" I dunno, may be just me, but if I were saying this, I wouldn't say the "and" Also, you used the period + and thing in the above dialogue, so using it again isn't really the best choice.
Period at end should be comma. The speech tag is part of the sentence.
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If it helps, tell him that I like my gifts in gold and silver.
Dunno if switching the word order is better. It's probably just me and my days as a choir girl singing Do You Hear What I Hear that's making me say "silver and gold" as opposed to "gold and silver"
I really don't wanna stop, but it's way too late. =P Be back as always.
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“As it so happens, Jon, we brought a gift for you.”
I think, in conjunction with the previous piece of dialogue, this could be stronger: "“As it so happens, Jon, we did bring a gift for you.” If you want something more casual: “As a matter of fact, Jon, we did bring a gift for you.”
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Sir Evan winked at Jon, and reached his hand towards his pocket. And towards his sword.
Unnecessary comma, especially since the second part isn't even an independent clause.
People usually reach with their hands. Stating is unnecessary and awkward.
I think it adds more of an impact without the "and"
"Sir Evan winked at Jon and reached towards his pocket. Towards his sword." If you don't like the overchoppiness, then: "Sir Evan winked at Jon and reached towards his pocket, towards his sword."
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Sir Evan had not been named the leader of the Royal League for nothing, and his swordsmanship was impeccable.
I think you can trim down the wordiness of the first bit a little. "Sir Evan was not the leader of the Royal League for nothing."
I think, for this part, a simplifying of the second part is the way to go here. It might add impact. "Sir Evan was not the leader of the Royal League for nothing. His swordsmanship was impeccable." You can join the two sentences with a semi-colon if you like.
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Before Jon had even realized what happened, a sword had been run through his chest.
All the "had beens" is making this a bit clunky. Trim it, imo. It's a swift action, and you want your language to portray the speed. "Before Jon could react, a sword plunged through his chest."
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Blood covered the inside of his shirt, turning the white cotton into an ugly red.
"soaked" or something more emotive might be better than "covered" here.
Imo, you can take out the "into" if you want to be trim it down the extra mile, but it's your call.
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Unfortunately, this is all- but I’m quite sure it will do the job
I'd change the dash to a comma.
"it'll" might flow better, but you might've wanted to portray Sir Evan as a more formal person.
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for if there was one thing that would scare that Charlotte, it would be a bloody sword
The second "that" isn't needed.
If you want to bend grammar for flow, you can change "would be" to "was" but it's your choice.
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Leaning his head out, he smiled, and called out to Charlotte.
I'd take out the comma after "smiled" It kinda wrecked the flow and confused me for a second.
Be back later. Almost done. Grr.
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Charlotte- Come here!
Things after dashes aren't capitalized. Btw, that dash might be better as a comma anyways.
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She walked over, a surprised look on her face.
Gah, wordy. =P I'd trim it down to a simple "surprised"
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When Sir Evan nodded, she smiled, and started walking with a slightly quicker pace.
Kill the comma after "smiled." It's unnecessary and the two parts aren't both independent clauses, so it's not even grammatically necessary.
"with" seems unfitting here... Hmm, would "at" fit better?
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Sir Evan waited- Once she got close enough, the kill would be quick and easy.
Decapitalize "once" as I explained about dashes above.
"got" is a bit weak here. Perhaps "came"?
I don't think saying both quick and easy is necessary. It seems rather wordy. I'd take out the part about quick; easy already implies it.
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And that’s when he heard the voice.
It's technically a short form for "that is" I'm not sure if it grammatically works with "that was." On top of that, the informality kinda ruined the atmosphere. Perhaps just change to "that was"?
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Charlotte- Run!
This would make more sense as a comma as opposed to a dash (and don't capitalize "run") However, your call. If you really want to give off the most impact, I suggest making this "Charlotte! Run!" which is the most emotive form, imo.
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Sir Evan grimaced; he had doubted that the man would have been able to speak
Imo, this is too wordy. By my logic, he /still/ can speak since he just did so, so this can be changed to "be" Bending grammar a bit is fine. ;)
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Charlotte reacted quickly, but Sir Evan was quicker.
This might be intentional, but the repetition here wasn't really the best. I suggest changing the second one to "faster"
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Charlotte might still have gotten away, if she had not been wearing the dress.
The word order confused me. I suggest maybe switching the order of those two words to flow better. "still might..."
"the" dress? So if she was wearing any other dress, she might've gotten away? I haven't seen it phrase like that a lot before. I suggest changing the to "a"
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But she was, and when Sir Evan’s hand tangled in the bottom of it, she cursed that fact.
Now, I think you can see how awkward this is... If you want to keep this entire meaning though, it's very hard to fix. Hmm, do we care that she cursed? Perhaps take that outta the sentence entirely. "But she was, and Sir Evan managed to intertwine his hand in the bottom of it." (tangle in this case sounds like he didn't do it intentionally but got caught by the fabric.
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and she heard the crack as her ankle broke.
Meh, I think the parts might hold together better if you say "and she heard the crack of her ankle breaking" but it's your call.
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In but a second, Sir Evan was upon her.
Imo, unneeded and kinda threw me off, but it's your choice to keep it or not.
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Grabbing her chin, he twisted her face so that she was looking into his eyes.
The passive voice is slipping in again... How about "so that she met his eyes"? Simple and more powerful, imo.
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Tears were coming from her eyes now, in a long stream.
Imo, coming is a weak word to describe tears. And the long stream thing is a little redundant; you can kill that part entirely if you make the first clause good. Also, passive voice again. =P How about a simple "Tears streamed down her cheeks"? (saying eyes isn't the best option 'cause you just talked about eyes went he forced her to meet his.)
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Sir Evan smiled, and with that smile, he showed his true colors. There was no joy in that smile, save that of the sadistic variety.
“Who’s to say I can’t be both, my dear Charlotte?” The last three words were almost spit at her, drenched in anger and spite. “After all, who better to kill the monsters than a monster himself?”
Need line break here.
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The last three words were almost spit at her, drenched in anger and spite.
Tense shift. Spat not spit.
Anyhow, I think this part is rather... awkward. And the "were" doesn't help... Gah, I can't think of good fixes. I suggest, instead of "were almost spat" perhaps something like "The last three words drilled into her, drenched..." Something that gets rid of were. =P
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After all, who better to kill the monsters than a monster himself
Grammar can be bended, but this wording here is weird. Perhaps "After all, who's better at killing monsters than a monster himself"?
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Her tears were still coming, but they were now tears of anger, not of sadness.
"were" and "come" again... "Her tears still fell" "Her tears kept falling" something like that...
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said Sir Evan, laughing.
I don't like the tag. The word order wasn't the best and "said" applied to a question isn't the best idea.... How about "Sir Evan asked, laughing."
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With but a coin, I could find much better.
Dialogue = present tense. Proof? The rest of the dialogue was in present tense. Plus, it's not that he /could/ but that, even at this very moment, he /can/
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It was humorous watching her reactions to what he said, yes, but Sir Evan needed to end this and get himself to the King.
I don't think "to what he said" is necessary. We know what she's reacting to. Also, I'd use the singular form (reaction) 'cause, 90% of the time, the focused feeling of a singular form is stronger than the scattered one of a plural.
"get" is rather weak. "himself" is entirely unneeded. Hmm, how to rephrase to get rid of get... "and go to the..." No, bad fix. Gah! You think of something. Something about what a subject meeting a king would be called. I dunno, lol.
Finally done. Sorry for taking so long. There were a few points you might wish to go back to, for example, the "the two 'walked' are too close together point" I meant that that walked about the one before but I accidentally bolded the watched, lol. Oh, and here's your overall feedback. This is important too! =P
Well, congratz on deviating from fantasy norms. I do applaud you for that. My only hope is that you're deviating for the sake of the art, not deviating for the sake of deviating. But considering how long this story has been on your mind, I doubt it'll be the latter. ;)
The way you portrayed the characters was good; I also liked how you set it up like a regular fantasy story but twisted it in the end. Your characters have distinctive speech patterns, befitting of status and stuff. Very nice innovation there.
For grammar, watch out on use of dashes and how the things after them aren't supposed to be capitalized. Also, in dialogue, if it ends with a period, that period becomes a comma. Commas before ands and buts and conjunctions like those aren't necessary, and aren't correct at all when not used with two independent clauses. Otherwise, I didn't find too much.
Of course, there are flaws. Nothing's perfect. *points to her signature* The biggest problem I'm seeing is that it sometimes lacks emotion. Your characters are good, but the way you write it doesn't convey enough emotion. Two things to add for this: one, more elaboration. I talked about that in my monologue about the kissing scene and how you need to describe things in more detail. That could be applied to the ending scene with Sir Evan and Charlotte, or Sir Evan and her father. It'll be more emotive if you added more detail. Two, you need to not only describe, but use the description to add to the atmosphere and mood. For example, I could tell you that "there was a sunset in the sky." Do you know what was there? Yes. But does it add emotion, mood, atmosphere, tone, and all that jazz? Nope. Now, I'm not saying you have none, but you can have more. Now let's take that sunset. The setting is a battlefield where countless of dead litter the ground. Consider the mood there. Now write and describe it. Something like this, perhaps:
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Clouds ploughed across the sky in thick plumes, suffocating the waning sun. As the daystar dipped below the horizon in a spray of crimson, the heavens flashed in a haze of yellow--like decay and poison. The dying light shone down on the bodies littering the ground, bathing them in a bloody glow...
Something to that extent. Now, we can take the same sunset and make it the end of a school day in a children's neighbourhood.
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Wisps of cloud drifted over the sun like dandelions over roses. Streaks of gold shot through the horizon, reflecting off the trees below. The landscape shone like polished gems, ruby and marigold in the fading daylight...
That can be applied to everything that is written. When describing Charlotte, Michael, Sir Evan, Charlotte's father, ect describe them in order to give off the atmosphere you want. That applies to the setting as well. Think of the sights, smells, and sounds of the streets of Limani. Do you want it joyful? Festive? Crowded? Dirty? Grotesque? You have some of it already, but it has the potential to be a lot more emotive still. Keep that in mind especially in future writing. Don't tell me the necklace was red. Tell me if it looked more like roses, or like fire, or like rubies, or perhaps blood.
Finally, watch out for the "was verbing" thing Versy talked about. But he already talked enough that I can't say much more, lol.
Yeah, that's all I have to say. Good dialogue, plot, innovation. Try to add more detail and emotion to your descriptions of what's there and what's happening. Good luck sifting through my critiques to find what is helpful. ^_^
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