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Firefly -> RE: Mistermafio's world of short stories and the like ~ comments (10/12/2008 20:40:47)
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After over a week of busyness, procrastination, and ill luck, I've finally managed to read your newest short.
I like the style you wrote it in, with the first person but italicized thoughts. Makes the no-tense-shift grammar freak like me happy. =P It's also how I write my own first person, so yeah, I'm kinda biased, lol.
The ending I really liked. The last line left me anxious and worried, because if that was his best night, then the future for them... is it not bright? Though, I've got a thing for heartbreaking shorts, so I really loved it, even if you didn't intend the ominous feeling.
The imagery you painted was excellent. Just enough description, neither too dull nor too flowery. I like the style there a lot. Also, great emotions and realism. I love how you portrayed it with simplicity.
The main problems I noticed... Well, the first isn't very fixable, as I've no idea how to fix, but the introduction of the second person/you character was a bit abrupt. I was a bit surprised when the second person showed up. I think the only fix is to spew out the "you" since right in the beginning in order to avoid the loop-throwing.
The other problem is, at times, there might've been extra exposition and repetition of things. It's good at times, because it lets your audience really know the thoughts. But sometimes, if excessive, it can be like telling your audience how to feel rather than letting them draw their own conclusions. You're not that far, but it's close, lol. Just be careful. ;) I suggest to go over the parts with his thoughts and stuff and cut out the unnecessary lines. Sometimes, we already get the picture, so they're not all needed. ;)
A few grammar problems, but much less than, say, My Name is Midory. Other than that, very well done on your imagery and emotion and style. The comments below are a few suggestions/random thoughts/grammar, not a complete critique, so I probably let go of more than my usual. Sorry about that. However, I hope you find it at least somewhat helpful nonetheless. ^_^
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The only thing I saw was my own reflection in the glass and maybe an illuminated blur every time we passed a light source of some sorts.
Maybe just the way I talk, but the singular "sort" might be what you're looking for here... Probably just my dialect.
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It had been a long night, much longer then I expected it to be for sure.
The whole bolded part is rather unnecessary, but if you want to keep a part of it, "I expected, for sure" works. "to be" is rather weak and unnecessary, imo.
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I looked up from my window, feeling as if I'd been awoken from a perfect dream by the sound of my alarm-clock.
I've never seen this written with a hyphen before...
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Luckily the train proved as empty this time as every other time I looked the past hour.
Comma after "Luckily" since it's inverting the usual placement/order. I suck at explaining this...
This was confusing in the end. "looked during the" "looked for the..." might all make more sense.
quote:
Sure, your's was longer, thicker, smoother and more beautiful in general but that didn't matter much to me as I was glad with everything we had in common.
I'd actually add a comma after "general" since it flows better with a pause. Strange, I usually don't like commas before conjunctions...
I'd make a new sentence after "me" (...me. I was...) This sentence seems long for first person, since people usually don't speak in extremely long sentences...
"of everything" might fit better than "with" but meh.
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Your eyes where large and brown, the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen in my life.
"were"
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They formed the focal point of what was the most beautiful face I had ever seen in my life.
Is the repetition from the previous sentence intentional?
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Every time I looked at it I couldn't help but smile, and for some strange reason that smile appeared to be wider every time it occurred.
You need comma after "it" and "reason" I believe, especially the former.
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With a smile on my face I turned back
Comma after "face"?
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I silence befell my thoughts as I pondered on this for at least five minutes
"A silence"? or "I silenced my thoughts"?
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Until finally my pondering continued.
You probably need commas before and after "finally" since it's a parenthetical aside or whatever you call those. I can't remember.
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I have never felt this way before.
"I've", the conjunction, might sound more human here.
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I don't know how long it took me to think, I didn't care back then and I still don't.
Hehe, comma splice. You might wanna make that first comma a semi-colon. =P
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when I realized what the answer to my questions was.
"question was" or "questions were"
quote:
and whispered my answer in such a way only you could possible hear it.
"possibly"?
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