Worth His Weight In Words - Poetry - Comments (Full Version)

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.::oDrew -> Worth His Weight In Words - Poetry - Comments (8/22/2008 1:09:06)

Here's the thread. Why over-complicate things?



Elnaith -> RE: Worth His Weight In Words - Conversations Regarding The Aforementioned Title (9/1/2008 16:23:59)

Hey Rawrzie ;),

Nice poems, I'm not the romantic poem type (Although I do write em sometimes) But I did feel some of your desperation, it came out really well.

Slight note: "perhaps, someday, I'll read you like a novel - "

Any reason why the I is capitalized here, for it seems like you wanted no capitals in the poem?

I love the "slow" effect in the poem, it really helps it.

For the first one:

"Reason's a cruel, blind, foolish judge. " I'd delete one of them and turn it in * and *, for now it breaks up the rhythm in your poem.

"It's - honestly - ironic, how
The purest, whitest, brightest light " same here. I'd put the how to the line it belongs to too.


"It must be felt, understood, confessed. " This does sound good because it builds up to a climax.


I look forward to your other work,

Cheers'

- El



.::oDrew -> RE: Worth His Weight In Words - Conversations Regarding The Aforementioned Title (9/1/2008 16:27:58)

Thanks Elly!

Nice catch on that single uppercase "I." :P

I think I worked in the other changes you mentioned pretty well, if I may say so myself.

Thanks again! :D



~Shade~ -> RE: Worth His Weight In Words - Conversations Regarding The Aforementioned Title (9/2/2008 11:28:03)

I've already looked at your stuff before-ish, just read the first one, so this critique shouldn't be too hard.

Overall, I'm giving your work a thumbs-up. The style is excellent, and I love the way you've titled the thread and your poems. They look excellent!

Your poems themselves are great as well.

"Oh, sweet lunacy" is so excellent, I think I'm printing it out. It has a certain air to it, a bit of charm and wit, with a deeper meaning as well. It pulls these two together, and pulls it off well.

"Madame" is good as well. I find the neat style of capitalization (reminiscent of e.e. cummings) to be quite interesting. It helps the poem flow as well, not encumbered by heavy capitals. If that makes sense.

Both of them are quite good.

I'm sorry I can't really do much better.

~Shade~



.::oDrew -> RE: Worth His Weight In Words - Conversations Regarding The Aforementioned Title (9/2/2008 11:35:35)

Thanks very much! Like I said in the thread introduction, simply knowing that my work is read & appreciated is a compliment in and of itself. Glad you enjoyed them, more should be coming soon.



.::oDrew -> RE: Worth His Weight In Words - Conversations Regarding The Aforementioned Title (9/2/2008 20:40:30)

New poem up, "On the Passing of Days."



~WolfBane~ -> RE: Worth His Weight In Words - Conversations Regarding The Aforementioned Title (9/3/2008 1:43:20)

Love all of it, oDrew, especially the earliest and latest ones.
BEST POET EVER, OR BEST POET EVER?!?!?!?!



.::oDrew -> RE: Worth His Weight In Words - Conversations Regarding The Aforementioned Title (9/3/2008 1:44:07)

BOTH!??!?!

:OOO



~WolfBane~ -> RE: Worth His Weight In Words - Conversations Regarding The Aforementioned Title (9/3/2008 2:06:58)

it's a possibility.
a slim one, but a possibility.
:o
OKAY, YOU'VE GOT ME, YOU'RE THE BEST AND THE BEST.



.::oDrew -> RE: Worth His Weight In Words - Conversations Regarding The Aforementioned Title (9/3/2008 2:14:16)

*Strokes chin thoughtfully.*

I zink I see vat you are sayingk, der. Ja.



~Shade~ -> RE: Worth His Weight In Words - Conversations Regarding The Aforementioned Title (9/3/2008 8:54:01)

Oooh! I love your newest! I think it's the best out of the three.

~Shade~



.::oDrew -> RE: Worth His Weight In Words - Conversations Regarding The Aforementioned Title (9/3/2008 9:49:49)

Thanks! I spent considerably much more time on this one - I'm a little annoyed that it didn't turn out to be any longer. :P

Glad to hear you guys like it, though! :D!



.::oDrew -> RE: Worth His Weight In Words - Conversations Regarding The Aforementioned Title (9/3/2008 20:55:08)

Today, I began working on an epic poem, titled Thyself.

No, really, an epic poem.

It's still a work in progress, but I would absolutely love to hear your thoughts on what I have so far. :D



Firefly -> RE: Worth His Weight In Words - Conversations Regarding The Aforementioned Title (9/3/2008 21:21:40)

An epic poem? You /know/ I've got to read this. Welcome to the club, TR. It currently consists of only you, me, and MM (forgive me if I miss somebody), but it'll grow. Or not. I dunno. =P

I didn't really read it to critique. There were a few iffy lines, but I kept the review to the more obvious things that stuck out and were easy to fix.

quote:

of course, the boys may have been unintentionally - though unavoidably - effected.

I think "affected" is the word you want here.

quote:

each time she reads her magazine,

"every" makes more sense/is more powerful here, imo.

Wow. How... pro and modern. Sounds like something a literary magazine would want. Very good job.



.::oDrew -> RE: Worth His Weight In Words - Conversations Regarding The Aforementioned Title (9/3/2008 21:32:39)

Hai Firefly! :D! <3! :o! n_n!

The company of Firefly and MisterMafio sounds like very fine company indeed. I take that as a compliment. (b^-^)b

Hmm...Quite honestly, both "effected" and "affected" would work, it just changes the meaning a bit. Originally, I didn't particularly intend to imply that the boys were feeling any particular emotion, just that they were effected by the girl. Again, hmm.

I went with "each" because it rhymes quite clearly, but now that I think about it, so does "every." I suppose there's enough rhyming going on as it is that I could sacrifice alliteration for emotion.


Thank you kindly for the critiques and the compliments - both are especially cherished coming from a grammarian of your standing. n___n

EDIT: I ended up going with "ev'ry." :P



.::oDrew -> RE: Worth His Weight In Words - Conversations Regarding The Aforementioned Title (9/4/2008 19:48:05)

Thyself, which - in my opinion - is the absolute best, longest, most notable poem I have ever written...

...is finally complete!


Please, please, please, read it, and post your reactions. It would mean a lot to me, artistically and personally. :)



Firefly -> RE: Worth His Weight In Words - Conversations Regarding The Aforementioned Title (9/4/2008 21:23:07)

Finished reading it. Really have nothing to say except repeating the stuff from last time. Really impressive stuff. I like the imagery and you have a good sense of tone and flow. Not a lot to say there except perhaps pad it out better next time. For example, the sudden exclamations at the end of three and last of four seemed a bit sudden, even a bit preachy. Just watch out for sudden transitions. They're pretty common but unwanted in both prose and verse. Otherwise, I don't have much to say.



.::oDrew -> RE: Worth His Weight In Words - Conversations Regarding The Aforementioned Title (9/4/2008 21:40:17)

I would agree that transitions are a weak point of mine. However, I sometimes like it when the tone changes suddenly - it can really grab your attention if you execute it properly. I'll certainly look into it.

That being said, glad to hear you (still?) liked it. :)



Firefly -> RE: Worth His Weight In Words - Conversations Regarding The Aforementioned Title (9/4/2008 23:16:53)

Curse you for luring me into your poetry with that epic. =P

I read all three, and loved all three. I especially like your imagery and language, along with your almost perfect balance of the surreal and the concrete. I think Madame was my favourite, if only because it had the most powerful ending. If you know me, you'll know that I'm a big sucker for strong endings. =P

In terms of actual "mistakes," only found two in "Madame"

quote:

the very entity causing this psycho-emotional strain -

Is the hyphen really supposed to be there? Looks outta place. Doesn't seem to make sense to join those words... Is it perhaps a dash? If so, I'd use space or longer length ect. to indicate. Looks like it shouldn't be there at all though....

quote:

why should i be so blessed

as to catch an angel.

Shouldn't the period at the end be a question mark? It seems more like a question than a statement, with the "why" thing...

Yeah, not too much to say in terms of criticism. Might want to watch out for some unnecessary prepositions and wordiness, but it's all very minor. It's, on the whole, fairly streamlined. You've also got a very abundant vocab. ;) Nice style too. ^_^



.::oDrew -> RE: Worth His Weight In Words - Conversations Regarding The Aforementioned Title (9/5/2008 1:17:31)

quote:

Curse you for luring me into your poetry with that epic. =P


Sorry. :(


Much like yourself, I wasn't entirely sure if "psycho-emotional" was an actual word, so I googled that exact phrase. This article popped up, so...I guess it's a word. I think I picked it up in that psychology class I took last year. b___b

True about the question mark thing, though.


Mua ha ha. Perhaps I did plan for you to fall into my inescapable trap of linguistics, so that you would eventually provide feedback for everything I'd ever written. >:P

But you'll never know, 'cause it's a secret. ;o



.::oDrew -> RE: Worth His Weight In Words - Conversations Regarding The Aforementioned Title (9/5/2008 17:08:11)

Just wanted to give Firefly the ol' tip of the hat for seconding my nomination. :D

So...yeah. Thank you, Fireflyyy. n_n



Firefly -> RE: Worth His Weight In Words - Conversations Regarding The Aforementioned Title (9/5/2008 17:13:24)

You're welcome. ^_^

About the pscycho-emotional thing: my bad. I read it as something else. I read the whole line as if the psycho had nothing to do with the emotional. Sorry. I thought of it in a rather wonky way. =P



.::oDrew -> RE: Worth His Weight In Words - Conversations Regarding The Aforementioned Title (9/5/2008 17:17:56)

Wonky. Hahaha. I have never heard that word before in my life.

So yeah, in case anyone's curious, I'm stilling plugging away at new poems. I have a few ideas for what the themes might be, but developing the actual content is taking some time. Presumably because I'm trying to expand my poetic horizons a bit - which I actually decided upon before reading Firefly's nomination, although the reassurance was quite nice. :D



.::oDrew -> RE: Worth His Weight In Words - Conversations Regarding The Aforementioned Title (9/9/2008 17:36:37)

Since I currently seem to be experiencing a bit of writer's block, I thought I might re-post some of my older works. They're quite admittedly not as good as the new ones, but it's actually quite intriguing to see how I've progressed. There's three or four old poems I've posted, go check 'em out! :D



.::oDrew -> RE: Worth His Weight In Words - Conversations Regarding The Aforementioned Title (9/22/2008 12:41:12)

New poem up, "Galatea."

It is about an ocean. ^o^;



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