For lack of a better name. - Comments (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Gaming Community] >> [Legends and Lore] >> Writers of Lore >> Works Discussion >> Other Creative Works Discussion



Message

Elnaith -> For lack of a better name. - Comments (8/24/2008 13:18:12)

Well, I guess it's poetry,

It'll range from quick scribbles (Like Hi.) To longer ones, genre can vary too as will structure, generally, I don't have one, so free verse.

Comments would be appreciated, but not as much as you just enjoying the poems :).

- El



Crimzon5 -> RE: For lack of a better name. - Comments (8/26/2008 4:20:47)

quote:

Comments would be appreciated, but not as much as you jsut enjoying the poems :).


Pointing that out already implies that typo :)

Heh, why did 'Pretty face' have a sad ending (well, it seemed sad for me)



gwoonjustin -> RE: For lack of a better name. - Comments (8/26/2008 8:47:08)

Heya!

Fat man:

quote:

"There are so much opportunities in space,"

so many

I don't quite like the repetition of "the mess" here. Maybe it's just me. Maybe "it" in the second case?

Otherwise: Good. Short, to the point, but very effective.

Pretty face

quote:

His eyes beaming with delight.,

No comma there

Again: Nice and clear.

Hi:
This is the first one I think may be /too/ to the point...

Numbers:
Quite clever, but I think the theme shifts to greatly, from the feeling that human beings are losing identity as they are catagorized, to falling in love.


Some nice work here. Hope to see more of you!



Elnaith -> RE: For lack of a better name. - Comments (8/26/2008 13:35:31)

Crimzon: Thanks for enjoying them, and for pointing out he typo ^^; . Pretty Face has a sad ending, it chronicles the young life of a fallen soldier. I wrote it just after someone I knew (Not really well, but still) Died in Afghanistan.

Thanks for the comments :).


Gwoon:

I'll go by your criticism point by point:

quote:

Fat man:

quote:

"There are so much opportunities in space,"


so many


So many indeed :)

quote:

I don't quite like the repetition of "the mess" here. Maybe it's just me. Maybe "it" in the second case?


I can understand your dislike of the repitition, I put a second mess there for emphasis on his 'role', maybe it is too much though, I'll think about your suggestion.

quote:

Otherwise: Good. Short, to the point, but very effective.


Thanks, that's what I try to achieve.

quote:

Pretty face

quote:

His eyes beaming with delight.,


No comma there

Again: Nice and clear.


Almost agreeing with you, the point should be gone, only the last status of the eyes should had a point, this one was sneaky and snuck in anyway. Thanks for pointing that out, and your assesment on it.

quote:

Hi:
This is the first one I think may be /too/ to the point...


Can't disagree there, I don't quite like it myself, but why only show my better work? :)

quote:

Numbers:
Quite clever, but I think the theme shifts to greatly, from the feeling that human beings are losing identity as they are catagorized, to falling in love.



My idea when writing it was that Love is now also losing it's identity, it may be a bit too obscure though.

quote:

Some nice work here. Hope to see more of you!


Thanks for the Comments, I hope to see you around more often!



New poems up, I'm not too happy yet about the second one though.



Firefly -> RE: For lack of a better name. - Comments (8/26/2008 14:23:32)

I actually read "Fat Man" yesterday. Because I was rushed and didn't want to give comments for only one poem, I didn't comment. Sorry. I try to always comment when I read. ;)

Fat Man was... interesting, to say the least. I dunno how to comment otherwise.

Pretty Face was very good. I loved the concept. Only two things to pick at. One, the flow... it sounds right when I say it exactly right, but if I don't, it does take a few tries. I dunno how to suggest fixes without forcing my fast speaking pace and style onto you though. =/ The other thing is that, until you stated on the comments thread, I thought he died when the plane crashed. Perhaps make it more clear he was going to a war and stuff. Maybe add imagery of bullets, of troops leaving, ect. You can even add stanzas to show that. Of course, it could be just me, since I've got the song Ironic by Alanis Morrisette stuck in my head so each time I think "death" and "plane" it becomes "plane crash." =P

Finally, I'm giving comments for Prison since you mentioned you'd like improvement there. ;)

quote:

In the prison,
No one sees him,
No one Knows him,
No one Helps him,
No one Loves him.

Is there a reason those words are capitalized? If it's a certain effect, I think you need to capitalize "sees" as well.

quote:

He destroyed his fear,

This line seems a little long so it doesn't really flow well, imo. I'd switch the order. "His fear destroyed," probably flows better. The next lines make less sense if you make this change, but they make enough sense to be understood, so I still suggest this order reversal.

I really like the concept of this one. I just watched Shawshank (Sp?) Redemption a few weeks ago, so the return to prison thing really hits home. Nice work. ^_^



Elnaith -> RE: For lack of a better name. - Comments (8/26/2008 17:12:40)

No problem, It's not like I knew you had read it :).

quote:

Fat Man was... interesting, to say the least. I dunno how to comment otherwise.


Good enough Comment, atleast you didn't think it was meaningless slab.
quote:


Pretty Face was very good. I loved the concept. Only two things to pick at. One, the flow... it sounds right when I say it exactly right, but if I don't, it does take a few tries. I dunno how to suggest fixes without forcing my fast speaking pace and style onto you though. =/ The other thing is that, until you stated on the comments thread, I thought he died when the plane crashed. Perhaps make it more clear he was going to a war and stuff. Maybe add imagery of bullets, of troops leaving, ect. You can even add stanzas to show that. Of course, it could be just me, since I've got the song Ironic by Alanis Morrisette stuck in my head so each time I think "death" and "plane" it becomes "plane crash." =P


The flow is a difficult one yes, I can definately see the difficulties, I'll try and move stuff around, and maybe it'll work.

The bullet.. Yeah, 'lead' is, of course, the bullet, but I can see why it might be confusing, especially now two people kind of didn't get the intended meaning. Although your meaning isn't wrong either, it's what the reader sees in a poem that matters ^^ .

quote:


Finally, I'm giving comments for Prison since you mentioned you'd like improvement there. ;)

quote:

In the prison,
No one sees him,
No one Knows him,
No one Helps him,
No one Loves him.


Is there a reason those words are capitalized? If it's a certain effect, I think you need to capitalize "sees" as well.


Jup there's a reason, it beign: Whoops, that's a mistake ^^ . Thanks for pointing it out.

quote:


He destroyed his fear,


This line seems a little long so it doesn't really flow well, imo. I'd switch the order. "His fear destroyed," probably flows better. The next lines make less sense if you make this change, but they make enough sense to be understood, so I still suggest this order reversal.


I took your suggestion, and already like the poem alot better, thanks!

Coincidentally I saw Shawshank a couple of weeks ago too, although this peom doesn't have much to do with it (Metal prison here, real one there) :)



Cow Face -> RE: For lack of a better name. - Comments (12/17/2008 16:52:00)

Hello! Since I'm going to be making an effort to contribute more to the Legends and Lore community, I decided this might be a good time to re-read your poems and actually post a comment this time. =P First, a quick typo note, then I'll actually comment, which is what I came to do. ^_^

In Numbers, the first line, "my" should be "me."

On to the comment!

Pretty face was my second favorite of all of them. This is an excellent sum of the human existence, expressed through pictures of a man. Your description of each moment lasting forever- as they would, in a photograph- is very striking and moving.

Hi was also quite good. The only thing I can add to this is that you might want to remove the comma between "Yet all you see," and "Is my wallet." Which was moving, by the way.

Numbers was another one which I really liked; I have myself thought about how many things in life are seen as digits to those in control.

My personal favorite was Parade. The twist at the end was both unexpected and accurate of many societies. Too often are the common people left out of proceedings, too often are they forgotten. The one qualm I had is that I think that it might flow a bit better if you dropped the comma at the end of the second-to-last line of each verse. Other than that, it was a brilliant poem!

Though I greatly enjoyed Prison, there isn't much that I can say about it. However, your description of his fight and his conquering, and then how no-one but he knows, was to me very emotional.

To sum up, you're quite good with poetry, and I'd like to see more!



Elnaith -> RE: For lack of a better name. - Comments (5/13/2009 16:14:05)

So I decided I might as wel put up some new stuff. Tomorrow and Stop it.



Gianna Glow -> RE: For lack of a better name. - Comments (5/13/2009 16:23:42)

hey, i really enjoyed some of your poems... such as Prisions and Stop it. [:D] I like them a lot.



Fleur Du Mal -> RE: For lack of a better name. - Comments (9/22/2009 17:06:33)

Hiyas!

As I threatened elsewhere, I came here to pop a comment. =P All my personal opinions of course.

I do enjoy your poetry, you are skilled with getting to the point with just a few words. Now, I'm not sure what is the absolute or official definition for minimalistic, but I perceived some of your poems that way. My personal favourite is a tie between Numbers and Prison. Although the first can be seen as having that shift in theme Gwoonjustin pointed out, I don't feel it's a problem as you, imo, do have a clear transition between the two 'kinds' of numbers: the official ones and personal. Thematically, I find Prison most interesting, because of the interpretation of self interests me, plus it's a bonus that it can be seen referring to either an illusion of prison or a real one.

What I was hoping for to see would be more imagery. Purrhaps not in these poems, as they are coherent and working as they are now. But maybe a new poem with photogenic qualities. I know this may sound odd, but since you are so good at expressing characters and events inside out, it would be interesting to see how would you do that outside in. Just an idea though.

I hope you'll find time to write more.



Elnaith -> RE: For lack of a better name. - Comments (9/23/2009 19:12:36)

Got two new ones up.. Though I don't know if they still make sense.

Thanks both of you for your gracious comments :)



Fleur Du Mal -> RE: For lack of a better name. - Comments (9/29/2009 13:44:32)

About the two new poems.

OKies, I have to confess that you have me confused with the first one. I'm not sure who was who to the point that images you present there are fractured and no matter how much I shuffle, I can't seem to be able to build a coherent picture from them. Was the bird the shooter or the bodyguard, or was the bodyguard the shooter and who was shot? I can't deny it wouldn't be an intrigueing poem though, since I've been turning my head left and right here trying to figure it out. =P Hmm, any chance you could fix some of the images, making the distinction between the different characters clearer?

The second one makes sense to me, as I used the reader's freedom to interpret it as I please. I like the possibilities to see either the man and the woman watching the kitten Play with the owl as a separate event or the man and the woman being later on represented as the kitten and the owl. If I say I liked the last one especially, will you think that I say so only because there's a kitten in it? =P Oh well, no matter how biased I am, I still like the Scene.



Elnaith -> RE: For lack of a better name. - Comments (1/2/2010 23:38:24)

New poem up. It's an experimental piece, where I had written down some restrictions to the poem before writing it. Not too sure how it ended up.



Rexobrother -> RE: For lack of a better name. - Comments (1/4/2010 12:38:39)

I wanted to Congratulate you on your Scripts that you've written, It really brought me to it :)


I would like you to make some more :)





Page: [1]

Valid CSS!




Forum Software © ASPPlayground.NET Advanced Edition
0.09375