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Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Discontinued Remembrance — Comments Thread (9/9/2008 12:10:29)
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*catches the broccoli*
*takes out a wok, oil, cashews and jasmine rice*
*cooks and devours*
Thanks! I quite like broccoli.
1. One way to enhance the mood could be buy adding some actions to take surroundings. For example, how does the air move in the darkness if at all? Is it stale or cold and fresh? As the man walks across the bridge, does he hear something creepy or scary? Does he hear only his own breath? Does he feel like he's being watched?
Here's a suggestive edit for one of your paragraphs, just to elicit some thoughts. I hope I'm not too intrusive, messing with your text like this. Edits in bold:
quote:
Sharp blue eyes hurriedly scanned over a narrow bridge. Acting as walls to his left and right stood 1) giant pillars, made of the same solid 2)mineral as the preceding doors. With the exception of a few evenly spaced torches, they were unmarked and stretched outward a generous distance before encountering another door. Looking up, the man squinted as he tried in vain 3) to make out the top of the pillars that 4) continued ever higher 5), disappearing 6) into the engulfing 7)darkness. He followed them back down to the floor. The polished surface of the walkway imitated the adjacent columns in color. There was, however, a small, perfect circle in the exact center of the walkway. Vividly jade, it stood out strongly against the dark room. Still, the place was bland overall—meant only as a connector from one space 8) to another. But even more than that, it felt utterly hollow 9).
1) Changed 'were' to 'stood' to make the pillars more alive and menacing. You could actually also use 'grew' here, imho, to make them sound even close to organic, if you want to.
2) Trying to give an image of an unrelenting material and space, lol.
3) Added 'in vain' to add weight on the futility of this action
4) Now that I already told the effort is futile, I got rid of the 'but'
5) 'upwards' -> 'ever higher'. My attempt to stress the continuity.
6) A personal preference: I'm not that big of a fan of 'ands' so I got rid of that =P
7) Describing the darkness a bit more menacing and active,too, here.
8) Killed the repetition of 'room'.
9) Added feeling to this by changing the 'was empty' to more active and stressed: 'it felt utterly hollow'.
Now, what's your opinion, did these edits make the mood even more prominent in this paragraph?
If it did, you are welcomed to use them straight on. Or, even better, think of your own corresponding additions also to other blocks of your text.
2. As I reread the story, I still felt like there are too many instances of that 'the man'-stuff popping up. Here's an example:
quote:
The man's brow furrowed in concentration and the man paused, clearly running the message through his head over and over again. The woman stood patiently, watching him with unblinking eyes. After what seemed like hours of awkward stillness, he lifted his head and confidently announced, “My path has already been set. I can’t go back from this. I have decided.”
With that, he turned and set out once more, sword in hand. Walking around the circle, the man averted his eyes and made for the door. As the woman simply looked on, he could start to make out writing etched into the door, much like the previous ones. He pressed on, anxious to get to the next room. The man could almost touch the glowing words when—
“I know who you are, Jarvis Volte, and I know of your intentions!” called the woman, her voice tinged with authority. The man froze, stiffening in disbelief. “And believe me when I say that they will not work out as you would hope. I know not how you came to this place, but it was not through conventional means. Do not go through that door.”
On some occasions, it is possible to get rid of the man (lol) by changing the word order in the sentences. Other times, just plain substitution with 'he' is convenient enough. Here's a suggestion:
quote:
The man's brow furrowed in concentration, pausing while he clearly run the message through his head over and over again. The woman stood patiently, watching him with unblinking eyes. After what seemed like hours of awkward stillness, he lifted his head and confidently announced, “My path has already been set. I can’t go back from this. I have decided.”
With that, he turned and set out once more, sword in hand. Walking around the circle, he averted his eyes and made for the door. As the woman simply looked on, he could start to make out writing etched into the door, much like the previous ones. He pressed on, anxious to get to the next room, until he could almost touch the glowing words when—
“I know who you are, Jarvis Volte, and I know of your intentions!” called the woman, her voice tinged with authority. The man froze, stiffening in disbelief. “And believe me when I say that they will not work out as you would hope. I know not how you came to this place, but it was not through conventional means. Do not go through that door.”
I dunno, if I just messed up your style too much, but as with point 1., use only from my suggestions what suits you.
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