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Firefly -> RE: Memories of a Better Time Comments (9/14/2008 23:58:00)
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Ah, something short. ;) I really enjoyed reading that. I loved how you portrayed how he could pick out all the little details but didn't manage to remember the things that matter. It's a very strong feeling you give up. Good job. ^_^
I did catch a few typos and I do have a few suggestions. I hope they are helpful.
quote:
I remember you getting so angry at me for it.
Imo, "so angry" is a little weak. Perhaps take out the "so" or simply change the two words to a single, more powerful word (eg. "furious with" as opposed to "so angry at").
quote:
I could pick out every single think you've worn on every date we've ever had
"thing"
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but I couldn't even tell you your mother's name.
Hmm, the way you're phrasing it is, imo, a wee bit awkward. How about a simple "But I couldn't even recall your mother's name" or something?
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It's messed up, isn't it.
Since "isn't it" marks it as a rhetorical question, perhaps a question mark at the end?
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My brain going crazy to keep me say.
"sane"?
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It's always so clear. I can feel them in front of me always, being held by awkward teenage hands.
I don't really like the repetition... Perhaps change the second one to "forevermore" or take it out entirely.
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