Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Darkthorn Comments (10/4/2008 4:35:00)
Glad to see your story's back and updated!
I read it again from the start. As I recall, before the purge I commented something about the different scenes feeling too loosely connected, thus making it a bit challenging to follow. Well, I didn't have that problem this time. Unfortunately, I can't tell whether that's because the world the story takes place in is now more familiar to me or because you've made some changes.
Anyways, to the new comments...
I love how your characters have different kind of voices! The rogues sound like "common" folk and the royal Safiria and Werewolf King sound regal. So, you basically manage to characterize your characters even further as they speak; they come more alive. It was truly a treat reading the King and the Queen insult each other =P
One thing that stuck to my eye was that you repeat the names a tad too often when a simple 'he' or 'she' would do. Like here:
They had met Aces just over two years before. The two of them quickly grew close to Aces, who now accompanied them on all their travels whether for business or otherwise. Aces was a lowly bureaucrat in the Krovesport government with a spirited and defiant attitude that had attracted Kale’s attention.
Why not change the middle 'Aces' to 'him'?
Here's another example:
“Ah, Kreen. I didn’t see you come in,” replied the Werewolf King, relieved for an excuse out of his brooding thoughts.
“You’re thinking `That night, the humans could have just as easily attacked the Den.` I know you too well, King. You can’t hide your anxiety from me. It bleeds forth from your eyes like a river; I can smell your fear.” said Kreen, sitting down next to the king. Kreen looked like a small doll beside to the gargantuan wolf.
As Kreen looked up into the eyes of the beast towering over him, the King said to him, “Kreen, you are my brother. You are the last of my family here on Lore. What am I to do should something happen to you?”
“Foolish little brother,” snapped Kreen.
My suggestion would be to keep 'Kreen' in the dialogue, but try to cut it down from the text a bit, for example:
''...I can smell your fear," said Kreen, sitting down next to the King and looking like a small doll beside the gargantuan wolf.'
Note that the period inside the quotes should be a comma. I also suspect that you don't need that 'to' beside 'beside'. =P
A misplaced word:
Her hair fell miserably down across her face, a departure from the tight bun in which she usually wore her it so as to not disturb her in her particular mode of work.
There are a lot of 'her's in this sentence, even after that one instance removed. Do you need all of them?
From chapter III.B
The facts were these. Darkovia Forest was home to two of the most frightening kingdoms on the continent, Safiria’s kingdom of Vampires, and the Brotherhood of the Wolves. Any sorcerer who made his residence in the cursed forest was either vampire, werewolf, or already dead.
I don't think you need that bolded part here, since it's been said quite clearly already in the previous chapters. Reading the chapters I-IV in one sitting as I did makes this seem too underlining, too repetitive.
But: I love the last sentence in this quote!
As Circe said in the above comment, your imagery is amazing.
His eyes, pale blue like the frigid winter moon, flitted back and forth briskly surveying the five mighty werewolves before him, and the young, inexperienced soldier cowering before them.