|
Firefly -> RE: The Seven Arts of Death - Comments Thread - Update: finally, chapter 4! (7/18/2009 19:43:05)
|
Your Critique--Brought to You by the "Need a Hand? I've Got a Few" Workshop
What I say here is my personal opinion, and you know the (cliche) saying: "One (wo)man's junk is another (wo)man's treasure." There have been unpublished works that I loved and award-winners that I hated. Take my advice with a grain of salt, and don't be offended by anything I say--'cause no matter how cruel I sound, my goal is to help. You probably won't agree with everything and that's quite alright, as long as you give my words some serious consideration.
Now, the story. Sorry for taking so long. Your story is located on the internet, and the internet is a time sink, no?
I /really/ like your concept here. The seven arts of death, relating to the seven deadly sins; killing is also considered a sin, and... yep, wonderful idea and symbolism. It's unique, but it doesn't sound like it's slapped together just for the sake of making something completely unrecognizable. You've got a story with potential, m'boy, and that's very much to your favour--'cause no amount of deathless prose can save a terrible idea, but good ideas with mediocre prose can also get better with a few rounds of editing.
However, I have to say that there are some flaws in the entire construction of this idea, especially since it's a longer work (not a short story where idea + theme will be enough to take flight). And the flaws, while partially rooted in the prose, are sometimes bigger than that. The two biggest problems I have with it are:
a) The idea isn't developed in a believable manner
b) The characters are not adequately interesting
Now, what I mean by a) is, though the idea is great, the way you present it makes it less believable than it could've been. If taken to the extreme, it could make the story nonsense (which /can/ work--one my favourite short stories by Neil Gaiman was originally called nonsense by an editor--but I don't think it's what you're going for here). I don't think you've got a well-thought-out MICE set at the moment. (M = milieu/place, I = idea/concept, C = characters, E = event/plot)
Every word--even fantasy worlds--have to have rules. If you set a story on earth, you need to obey earth's rules, and when you defy them (as urban fantasy does), you must justify it. If you're writing secondary world fantasy, you need to have a set of rules for that story, and it's best if you communicate those rules to the reader as soon as possible. Because in a place without rules, people will be able to do anything, and everything can be solved via Deus Ex Machina, and that becomes... yep, that word again: nonsense. I'm not sure if you have a clear set of rules in mind (plus their justification), or if you do, you might not be doing the best job at communicating it to this particular reader. For example, just very basically, is the story set on earth? I honestly thought it was a secondary world, considering how casually the protagonist treats magic, but then you mention France (Michelle sounds French? It's a perfectly valid English name too, but that's a whole 'nother matter).
I was a bit startled when your protagonist suddenly started channelling fireballs and whatnot in the first few paragraphs. And little explanation is given. And though the torture was a good concept, the magic wasn't cool enough for me to stretch my willing suspension of disbelief that far. You don't have to provide a long technobabble-esque explanation, but there needs to be some amount of rules given. As of right now, I am possessed by the feeling that you aren't not only holding back the rules, but rather that the rules aren't clear in your own head. Not to say that's necessarily true, but that's how I felt while reading.
How you are to go about making this story more believable is up to you. Justifying concepts isn't my own forte either. But I think you can put in a lot more detail to cause things to make more sense. That would show a greater maturity in the writing.
Now, moving on to point b), your characters. I admit that none of your characters truly showed any appeal to me. (though the villain/master guy came kinda close, since how he called Richard his best student gives a unique aspect to their relationship, but he is still severely lacking in depth). Richard himself is 90% of the problem, not because I hated him, but because, for some reason... he didn't seem to have any personality at all. His personality seemed to change as the plot required, as a random object stuffed into the role of "hero." There are many heroes. Now why is this one unique? Why can't I stuff a million other different (and more interesting) heroes and let them fulfill your plot? I say he seems to have little personality because nothing really defines him. Let's see... He doesn't seem to give a damn about facing death...
quote:
He didn’t feel the slightest bit afraid. Challenges he could handle.
...but he gets the living daylights scared out of him by a loud voice...
quote:
“I assume you’re Olaf?” Richard said, still slightly shaking.
This makes him really hard to relate to. I don't detect anything noble, righteous, or good in him that I'd love (and thus root for him for), and nor do I detect anything tragic or flawed about him that would make him a believable, 3D person. He doesn't react to things in a manner that's realistic or sympathetic--heck, if I'd just been dangling off a gravity-defying shaft and lying on a pile of bodies, I wouldn't've been /nearly/ so accepting towards Michelle and Olaf. In the beginning, he does have a bit of the "What the heck" feelings that would be expected, but as the story progressed, you seemed to concentrated on moving the plot forward and dumping information that you neglected to consider whether someone in that situation would be /capable/ of asking those questions.
Other characters aren't quite as important, so they don't need as much work as Richard, but though your concept for Michelle and Olaf are good, you haven't made them very interesting past their appearances either. I find it strange why Richard doesn't ask more about them--since he should be /very/ suspicious at this point--and just asks about the arts. Honestly, should he (and Michelle and Olaf) be worrying about things like /dinner/? Unfortunately, the believability factor really didn't ring true to me.
As for the villains, as I said above, I like how you carefully slipped out the information of Richard being the "master's" best student, but otherwise, they seem like cliche big bads who do things for no reason other than to give the hero some trouble. I think my overall feeling that your characters lack depth is because you show little of the thought processes for anyone but Richard--and his thought processes show too much technicality ("How do I get out of this?") and too little realistic drama that's going to make the reader care ("No, I can't go like this... but it's impossible.") No one wants to read about a hero's who's invincible physically, but just as few people want to read about someone who shrugs off angst and despair like they don't exist. You did make him have his what the heck moments in the beginning, though they seemed too much surprise and too little despair. But by the time Michelle came, he seemed utterly uninterested in the why and completely (inhumanly) focused on getting himself out of the mess. Too efficient to be real, in my opinion.
Perhaps the problems I mentioned above is linked to the prose. You're sometimes overly informal, which can work, but you often come off as trying too hard to be quirky--which was a little annoying. You also need a lot more detail. Things are happening too quickly. For example:
quote:
Richard floated upwards slightly, and then shot out for his little planet with an unbelievable speed. He saw the planet coming closer, closer, closer… Until he hit the floor once again. With a feeling like had broken his jaw twice, he rose up, to find himself in a room with a size of about a square meter, that had only one door in it. He tumbled through it, and found himself in a hallway.
Okay, listen, he just /froze a dimension/, floated /towards a planet/ (if you've watched films of spaceships re-entering earth's atmosphere and whatnot, you'll understand the vastness of the world), and somehow /landed in a room/ (and this is really unclear. Did he land in a room before he could reach the planet? Or did he land in a room in a house in the planet? Either way, especially if it's the latter, I'd love to see a /lot/ more description), smashed his jaw, stood up, saw a door, and walked into a hallway. All in half a paragraph. I mean, c'mon, you are really not capturing the enormity of the cosmos. Planet landings are much better when accompanied by a description of how wondrous it is. It's not something that a clause of "He shot towards a planet" would do. Even if it were a little planet. You haven't given any sense of space, colour, detail, feeling, the rush of air on his face, the adrenaline pumping in his veins as he raced towards the planet he created... I think treating a planet-landing in a less wooden manner will at least make your protagonist more believable, since few people are not in awe with a landing of that scope.
Same goes of the rest of the story as well. During the torture, I want to /feel/ his pain. And I want you to show, to describe, not just to tell me "it was a brutal torture." Some parts you really succeeded, such as having him almost throw up on the pile of bodies. Now I need more of that. Show me what Richard feels. Make me feel like I /am/ Richard, being tortured. Show his reactions to the torture. Nausea? Pain? Despair? Physically and mentally, don't just add vague thoughts of pain, but real, concrete reactions that will make the experience all the more realistic to the reader.
Of course, this is coming from a person who can purple prose a death scene, so I might be exaggerating a little.
To sum it up, I really like your concept, you've done a great job of making something unique and symbolic, but you need to work on creating a more believable premise and character, while adding more description to draw the reader deeper into the story. Try to do more showing a less telling, and try not to stretch the audience's willing suspension of disbelief too far.
Detailed edit of Chapter 5:
First, I have to touch up on some grammar regarding your dialogue.
quote:
“Yeah, that’s what it’s called,” she replied.
You seem to have many other grammatical problems in dialogue as well. When the sentence after the dialogue still refers back to the dialogue, it's not a separate sentence. For example: quote:
“What did you do that for?” Was the clouds next message. should not have the "was" capitalized. It's a speech tag. And in quote:
“But what if something awful happens?” The clouds comment came. shouldn't have "the" capitalized.
And speech tags followed by actions are still just speech tags. quote:
"I refuse to lose to such a pathetic thing as an illusion, you hear me!" He shouted, even louder and vicious than last time. should not have the "he" capitalized. Oh, and I think you meant "more vicious" not just "vicious." Moving on...
quote:
He quickly took note of her appearance: her long, red-brown hair slightly wavered around, and was kept out of her face by a green headband: the same color as her bright eyes. She was clad in nothing but blue: blue jeans, rather wide ones for easy movement, and a light-blue shirt as well. She also carried an obscenely large sword around, even though she didn't appear as muscular.
You don't have to say he took note of her appearance, because since it's being described from his POV, we can assume that he noticed it. And I think you can refine the description a bit. It seems slightly wordy right now, and I'm not sure /how/ she's carrying the sword--in her hand or in a sheath? Something like, "Her auburn hair waved down her back, held by a green headhand that matched her bright eyes. Her loose jeans rustled against her slender legs, matching her light-blue shirt. Despite her slim physique, she carried a large sword at her hip. Her hand never left its hilt." You can also describe the sword a bit more. I won't take liberties there.
quote:
How the hell does do you even use a sword that large? he thought to himself.
I suggest you delete this, because you already mentioned above that she's carrying a sword that's apparently too large for her.
quote:
“Yeah, sorry,” he said with a grin, “the name’s Richard. Yours?”
This is exactly the type of behaviour that I find unbelievable. After all the crap he's been through, he's treating this sneering woman with a big freaking sword with too much nonchalance and acceptance, and too little suspicion. Since she has been here for a while, it might be a little justifiable why she's acting so casual with him, but not vice versa, in my opinion. I wouldn't even act so casual with a stranger any old day, let alone someone with a sword who appears after I've been tortured.
quote:
“Sounds French.”
Michelle sounds French?
quote:
“I know,” she said, her mouth curving a bit into a smile.
quote:
“So, Richard, got anything on you?” she asked, finally removing the hand she had had on the hilt of her sword all this time.
Annoying. I'd use "had rested" or even just "rested"
quote:
“Geez, do I have to explain everything?” she said with sigh, “I meant to say: do you have any gadgets with you? Phone, wallet, anything?”
I suggest you take that part out since it breaks the flow, but if you must have it, you need a period after "sigh." The dialogue after is a new sentence.
quote:
“Let’s see,” he replied while sticking his hands into his pockets,
I dislike the way you phrased this. "he replied, digging his hands into his pockets" seems to flow better.
quote:
“Sure,” he said, handing over the phone.
Once again, very unlikely that he's going to just give it to her without asking why. And very unlikely that he's going to fiddle with phones after being subjected to one of the seven arts of death.
quote:
She opened the back of his phone, and slid a little flat plate in it.
Unnecessary comma.
quote:
“That’s the only way you'll be able to actually use your phone here. You can't make a call to anywhere outside the castle anyway, but with the ReCoder, you’ll be able to call me whenever you want.”
Suggestions in bold, regarding what I personally feel would be more believable for dialogue.
quote:
I didn’t tell you yet, but this place is a real fortress.
Since she's telling him right now, this is little lame. I'd replace that whole bolded part with "In fact,"
quote:
Well, nobody knows how.
quote:
“And has anyone ever gotten out?”
By the way, are they talking in a void? Perhaps I didn't pay enough attention last chapter, but I have no clue what their surroundings are like.
quote:
Other than beating all the arts, there is the door in the hallway, but… you’ll see for yourself why we can’t get out that way later.
quote:
“I have only completed the first art. Not a single one of the doors would let me through," she said, a slightly annoyed look on her face.
Last part could be phrased more powerfully. Take out that speech tag, and make it a separate sentence: "...through." Her face twisted in a grimace.
quote:
Immediately afterwards, a huge Viking, at least eight feet tall, stormed into the hallway.
Not necessary. Formation of sentences makes it clear it's immediately.
quote:
His clothing looked like it was all made of semi-frozen pelts, and he had a large brown beard.
"all" is unnecessary.
Last part could be phrased in a more descriptive way. Something like, "and a bushy brown beard covered half his face"
quote:
Richard thought he looked more like a bear walking on two feet than a human.
quote:
However, opposed to his intimidating posture, he had very lively, cold blue eyes, almost sparkling.
"opposed" doesn't fit best here. I suggest "contrasting his..."
Cold eyes should contribute, not take away, from intimidating-ness. I think this is just a bad phrasing on your part. "light" would give a more positive connotation if you meant that his eyes were ice-blue.
Last two words not necessary. I think if eyes are only almost sparkling, then they're not lively enough, 'cause eyes /can/ truly sparkle.
quote:
“Oh-ho!” his loud, bass-tuned voice rumbled through the hallway. “It appears we have a new one!”
quote:
“Olaf, for Pete’s sake, lower your voice a bit!” Michelle shouted.
A bit ironic, don't you think? Perhaps "snapped" would fit better.
quote:
Now, Richard, come along with me, and we’ll show you your room."
Unnecessary comma.
quote:
They strolled down the hallway, Michelle and Olaf were whispering to each other a bit while Richard followed, hoping the ringing in his ears would eventually subside.
quote:
After a couple of turns, they arrived in what appeared to be the hall of the castle:
quote:
a huge plateau with a twenty-meter-tall double door to their left, and countless stairs and hallways branching in all other directions.
quote:
When he looked up, he couldn’t even see the roof: it was that high.
I also suggest you replace the colon with a dash, because you've used a colon only a sentence earlier.
quote:
The walls here were made completely out of solid rock, and he could hear everyone’s shoes clacking on the ground, echoing countless times in the behemoth of stairs and corridors.
Better one powerful word than an inadequate word and an adjective, because if a verb/noun isn't right, no amount of modifiers can save it.
quote:
Other than that, there was not a single sound to be heard; even Olaf and Michelle had fallen silent.
quote:
It created a really weird sense of vulnerability, as if the hall itself were alive, ready to devour them at any moment.
quote:
It took him some time to notice it was fairly hard to breathe, as if the air itself was affected by the atmosphere.
I think you can take this out, since you have enough about the hall already (especially compared to your lacking descriptions elsewhere). And I don't like the repetition of "As if" which isn't easy to fix. If you must keep it, "difficult" might be a good replacement for "fairly hard" (die, -ly adverbs!), and the second clause could be rephrased to "with the air itself suffocated by the atmosphere" Gah, not great, but it gets rid of the repetition.
quote:
He studied the doors some more.
I thought there was only one door. Unless you count the one he came in through, which I got the impression as being different from the other one (less big, anyhow)
quote:
They had a most remarkable decoration on them: thousands of golden bars, crisscrossing like a golden spider’s web, yet sharper, harsher.
quote:
However, the pressing feeling disappeared immediately after they had crossed the hall and had entered the corridor.
quote:
In this part of the castle, it appeared that the walls were made of regular red and white plastered bricks, as opposed to the wood back where he had arrived.
quote:
Michelle asked, looking like he had disturbed her most peaceful sleep.
quote:
“He means the walls,” Olaf said.
quote:
Then, directing himself at Richard, he said:
Awkward. I'd replace the bold with "Turning to Richard,"
quote:
Well, this castle is divided in four... eh… divisions.
It's probably intentional to represent the character's limited vocabulary, but "sections" works.
quote:
“Ice?” Richard asked.
I'd take out the tag.
quote:
“Yeah,” Michelle replied.
And I think a regular "said" flows better here, but your call.
quote:
“Ahah.”
...What kind of sound is that? I'd settle with an ordinary "Ah."
quote:
Suddenly, remembering something, he asked:
Unnecessary comma.
quote:
“So you can tell us about the second one, then?”
quote:
Richard replied as, obviously, Olaf had proved unable to make a sound, while he was most certainly moving his lips.
Whole thing is awkward and confusing. I'd say something like, "Richard gaped as he watched Olaf move his lips, but no sounds escaped."
quote:
“And yes, before you ask, we have tried dispelling that,” Michelle added to it.
quote:
They took another turn, and came into a hallway that looked exactly similar to the last one, except for the fact that the both walls appeared to be almost completely filled with doors.
Something is either "exactly like" or "similar to." Can't be both. Pick one.
They're either completely filled with doors or they're not. There's not "appeared to be" unless your protagonist's eyesight is really in doubt.
quote:
"Woah, the what?
Need closing quote.
quote:
The place where we sleep and eat, y'know.
quote:
We've got just your casual lodges, but there are a few special ones.
Not sure what this part means. Perhaps it's the "your" that confused me. Is she really talking about his, or is it just a manner of speaking? Oh, and you pressed an extra enter key after "ones," I believe.
quote:
For example, every night there appears dinner in the Gathering room at seven o’clock.
Weird. Perhaps you meant, "every night, dinner appears in the Gathering room..."
quote:
“You won’t,” Olaf replied. “Calling using the ReCoder doesn’t cost you any money.
quote:
Also, you don’t use any phone numbers.
quote:
He wanted to go take a peek in the room to his right, but Michelle was unrelenting; she grabbed his arm and practically dragged him through another door.
Wait. "He" means Richard? I thought it meant Olaf, because Olaf was the last person mentioned. I suggest you state a name to be clear.
quote:
If you’ve have something in your fridge you want for breakfast that needs warming, you go here.
quote:
There,” she said, while pointing to the opposite door, “is bathroom one.
quote:
The three doors to the right are two, three and four, but I don’t think we’ll need to use ‘em that often.
quote:
He nodded, and she dragged him along further along the hall.
You already used "dragged" earlier. Perhaps "tugged"?
quote:
They now came to the first door with some sort of decoration on it: two golden dragons, intertwined.
quote:
It’s basically just the room where we come together if and when we need to.
The bolded words make each other redundant. I suggest you choose one or the other.
quote:
Also, as I’ve told you before, dinner gets served here every night at seven.
quote:
“Because that’s the only other open room.
quote:
They entered the Gathering room, the interior of which seemed to be perfect for its purpose: there was a huge, oval table, with quite comfortable, black chairs all around it.
Also suggest that you take out the last and third last commas, but your call.
quote:
Or, that was what he thought at first, until he noticed there were two other people already in the room: a man in a tuxedo, and a cloaked woman.
For balance, I'd write "a woman in a cloak"
quote:
Why is he wearing a tuxedo? I mean, it's not really the best outfit for battle.
Not necessary. Seems to break the flow a bit.
quote:
"Oh yeah," Michelle said. "Richard: Dave and Charlotte. Dave and Charlotte: Richard."
Also, not sure if it's required, but I'd make those colons commas.
quote:
Charlotte smiled and replied with a friendly "hi;" Dave simply nodded, his eyes obscured by his sunglasses he wore.
quote:
After dinner, Richard decided it had been a long enough day, wished everyone a good night, and went to sleep.
quote:
Tomorrow was probably going to be another long day.
quote:
He had to get out of here. He had goals that needed completion.
I'd delete these two sentences, because they're kinda sudden, and not to mention illogical, since he supposedly has no memory of his life before the seven arts.
|
|
|
|
