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Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Prophet (12/8/2008 16:08:46)
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Hey!
How come I've missed this? Well, I've read it now. Ready for some butchering? I hope you are because you can't stop me now =P
1) Good start, straight to business. =P I'm not sure yet if am totally comfortable with the minimalistic sentences in the first paragraph, but that's probably only my problem. I have this faint feeling that I'd hope for a bit more conventional sentences, but yet I realise that would most likely wreck some of the sense of urgency you have going on in there. So, now that I managed to blurt this out, I'ma step back and observe how this continues in the upcoming chapters.
2)quote:
Rein’s eyes narrowed, staring at his older brother menacingly. Rein leapt back and took off, his white wings flapping furiously. Higher, higher, higher…
I know different L&Lers have different views on this, but I tend to like names not repeated that often (yet I don't think my own always writing passes my criteria, lol) Anyways, even Rein's older brother is mentioned, I think you could replace that second 'Rein' with 'He' without causing confusion. It's your choice, really.
3)quote:
“Interesting strategy,” Rein froze. Proth was behind him, matching his upward velocity perfectly.
Now here's a slightly confusing bit since that comma inside the quotes and Rein's name make it look like Rein said it when, in fact, it was Proth. So, I'd suggest you change the comma into a period. You can also edit the next sentence to something like spoonfeeding, if you like =P
'Hearing his brother's voice, Rein froze.' But yet again, consider how this goes together with the style of the prologue/story, before injecting my suggestions anywhere.
4)quote:
Proth spun, disarmed Rein with his free arm, and then flipped into the air, delivering a kick with both heels to Rein’s chest. Proth stared at the falling Rein, a faint smile on his lips.
Here's another point where I think you repeat Rein's name too much, imo.
My suggestion for cutting it down:
'...delivering a kick with both heels to the little brother’s chest. Proth stared at the falling figure,...'
I won't be complaining about this during the rest of the prologue, since it's really only my opinion.
5)quote:
Rein tried to catch his breath, spinning in the air, out of control. He tried to flap his wings, but the wind simply tore at them and bending them into awkward positions.
Just a minor repetition. I think you could get rid of the latter one, since the rest of the sentence tells that it was just a try, anyway:
'He flapped his wings...'
Or, if you want to stress the futility of his attempts, you could go with:
'In vain he flapped his wings, as the wind simply tore at them and bent them into awkward positions. '
Yeah, that last suggestion sounds really awkward.... moving on!
6)quote:
He sheathed his sword and sat on a nearby bench, several onlookers staring and pointing. Some whispering “there’s the General!”
Is it just me or does this seem to miss 'down' between those two words? In addition, that last sentence might either need 'were' or some other verb in it, /or/ you could fuse it together with the previous one.
7)quote:
Proth lifted a panting Rein back on his feet, looking around the small park with a look of satisfaction on his face.
I suspect that article should be 'the' or the whole thing might need rewording: 'Proth lifted his panting little brother...'
And what a marvellous opportunity to kill some repetition, lol. I'd suggest getting rid of the first instance of 'looking' by rewording:
'..., scanning the surrounding park with...' Your choice, of course!
8)quote:
Proth asked, amused.
Lol, since we have already been told that he got his kicks already from the fight and enjoyed that, you could stress the further amusement by his brother's threats with adding one word:
'Proth asked, thoroughly amused.'
Just a suggestion!
9)quote:
“Thank you General! Thank you!” The shaking man called, the small crowd applauding.
I suspect that letter should be de-capitalised (if that's even a word =P). The latter part of this might be just a tad too choppy, imo. My suggestion (take, leave or polish at will =P):
'“Thank you General! Thank you!” the shaking man called after him, while the small crowd cheered.'
10)quote:
I have to do something damnit!
I suspect you need a comma between 'something' and 'damnit'.
11)quote:
Rein’s eyes began to quiver, the pupil’s shrinking.
Just a typo: 'pupils'
12)quote:
Rein was frozen in place, countering his father’s concerned face with a gaze of shock and mistrust
I don't quite understand why you are using the passive voice here? Why not just: 'Reain froze in place'? Equally effective, less words.
Your call, though, as always!
13)quote:
The tears were flowing freely, Rein’s grasp on his sword wavering.
A mere matter of opinion, but I think just plain verbs without the 'to be + ing" would be more effective here.
'The tears flowed freely, his grasp on the sword wavered.' I dunno how that interferes with the style, so it's your decision once again!
14)quote:
His father’s eyes shook in shock, and then… his heart stopped beating.
There's a lot of shaking going on just before this, so another verb could be better. Eg. 'dilated' or 'widened'
15)quote:
Two minutes later, he was arrested with the assassination of the Governor’s bodyguard, and his father.
There's only two things listed here, so I don't think you need that comma before 'and'.
Interesting start, easy to read, captivating. Will be waiting for more!
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