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Master Samak -> RE: Short Stories, Brave Stories (1/28/2009 15:19:49)
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Greetings and well-met, Arthur The Brave One! I would apologize for the lengthy amount of time it took for me to construct this critique, as well as the length of the critique itself. I hope you can forgive me for that.
This is very critical to understand, so I shall bold it: What is contained within this critique is solely suggestive-purposed. Nothing here is designed with the intent to demean, degrade, or diminish the ability of you or your persons. I would seek your pardon in advance if anything you read invokes thoughts of affrontment, for it also is not my intention. Again, this is your story, not mine. Not a single thing has to be changed if you do not want it to. These are but what you make of them.
That being said, let us begin.
Tides of War, Marks of Honor
1. quote:
Right now, at this very moment, a single question echoed through his head, over and over again: Would it be considered changing "question" to "thought"? It's just that when I read "question", it didn't seem part of him; like someone else had asked him that question and he was running it through his mind over and over again. In my opinion, the word "thought" instantly makes the reader recognize that the following sentence (be it a question or statement, since "thought" can stand for both, I believe) originated from the person thinking it. Still, it is only my way of looking at it. I could be overanalyzing....
---- Also, I'm unsure of having "his" to start off the character in this sentence. As far as my knowledge goes, it is not incorrect to place it here, thought it is usually seen that the character is introduced by name before switching to occasional pronouns. So, I would either suggest changing "his" to "Charlie's".... or leaving it as is. Because "Charlie" is quick to be read after this sentence, I wouldn't worry. So ignore this part if you so wish.
---- In addition, I don't know if there should be a comma between "head" and "over". There are already a decent amount of commas in the sentence, and when reading this part, I don't believe a pause would benefit the flow of the line. Like reading it aloud: "Right now <pause> at this very moment <pause> a single question echoed through his head <pause> over and over again." Do you kind of see what I'm trying to get to? And reading it without that comma sounds fine, I think, like just a smooth transition. The beginning pauses are alright because they are allowing for an addition in thought, but having one after "head" might make the pauses slightly overused—potentially lessening the effectiveness of the sentence. I would suggest removing this comma.
2. quote:
Why, why did I have to pick a university blindfolded?! I really like how you de-italicized the second "why". It really showed me that thinking emphasis. :)
---- Also, there isn't anything wrong here, but when I read "...pick a university blindfolded?!", I got the impression that he picked a university blindfold! Which seemed odd to me, so I read the sentence again and saw it was a state of being, instead of an object. This could very well be just me, but it might help to avoid potential confusion to the reader (or at least to me XD) by rewording the sentence a bit. Just looking at it this way, I wouldn't put it past a University to make and distribute a blindfold (or a neckerchief) to be picked; it's not unreasonable. Maybe rewording this to something like, "Why, why did I have to pick a University while blindfolded?!"? It's nothing big, though.
3. quote:
Why, why did I have to pick a university blindfolded?!
That day, it had seemed a funny idea to Charlie to just blindly pick out a university's ad from the seemingly endlessly high pile of advertisement flyers. Just because he didn't feel like looking them all through, and was a lazy guy overall anyway. And out of the hundreds of paper sheet, the one he drew out of the lot read: 'GEARS University'. The impression I'm getting from this line break is that it is transitioning from the present to the past, a flashback in a sense. I'm unsure if that impression can be easily noticed at first, since the line break is common elsewhere in the story. I would suggest either breaking the two paragraphs with the code [hr] ... or allowing for three spaced between flashback transitions. I'm for the additional spaces, since it is more subtle. Your dice.
4. quote:
That day, it had seemed a funny idea to Charlie to just blindly pick out a university's ad from the seemingly endlesslyhigh pile of advertisement flyers. Because there is an "it had" in the sentence, it already hints that this is talking about what happened. I don't know, then, if the "That day," is entirely necessary. Do you get what I mean? But, that doesn't mean that it is wrong to have "That day" still there. If you so wish to leave it as is, then I would strongly suggest removing the comma from "That day,". It creates an unneeded pause that throws off the flow of the sentence. When I read it, it was like starting a sentence, "That day..." and then breaking off (the comma/pause) and starting an entirely new sentence, "I had seemed...". But that's just the way I saw it....
---- In addition, the "...seemed a..." in the line may be missing something. I realize that it's perfectly fine and it makes sense, but I commonly hear people say that kind of phrase as, "it had seemed like a ... idea at the time". At least, some people I know would start for a quick second at the absence of "like". So because the majority of the readers are probably more familiar with that, I would add "...seemed like a...". Your call, though.
---- Furthermore, I'm unsure of the "funny" standing for Charlie's feelings at the idea. I don't know, just because picking out a college or university is usually not a laughing matter and is quite critical in doing so correctly, having "funny" and reference to a University connecting in the same sentence seems to make the story... unrealistic? (Loosely-termed). I'm sorry, but maybe if Charlie thought it a good idea at the time, then it would seem more matching to Charlie's laziness—instead of his disregarding of the seriousness involved. Am I making sense at all? I really don't think "funny" should be used, but instead, "good" or "reasonable" or something to the lines of that. PM me if this isn't persuading you. :D
---- Moreover, with "...to Charlie to", the two "to"s might be too repetitive. (Gosh, I've succeeded in sounding five "to"s. XD) Anyway, it might be better if the first "to" was changed to "for", so that the sentence would still follow the point trying to be made.
---- Additionally, I don't know if the "just" is needed. When I read it, I got the impression that it was kind of "empty space"? That is, the extra word has no critical supporting role, and the sentence would be perfectly fine without it. In my own unimportant opinion, I would strongly suggest taking "just" out.
---- Beyond this, in narratives, when the narrator is speaking, I think it might be preferable to extend the "ad" into "advertisement", having the narrator refrain as much as possible from shortening his words; just so the reader can get the complete, easy to get, understanding. Simply my opinion, though.
---- Going on, there is a bit of uncertainty about me regarding "...seemingly endlessly...". First off, there is already a "seem" within this sentence—potentially making this repetitive. Secondly, because both multi-syllable words ended with "ly", there is an increased chance of repetitiveness. I would very, very strongly suggest removing "seemingly endlessly". The sentence would survive without these two words. Plus, having two adjective next to each other (endlessly high)... it just makes me think too much about it—like the highness doesn't end and all this mental...gah. If I may, merging the two into a "towering pile" might give the same effect.
----Lastly, because the term "advertisement" was already used in this sentence, it could very well be safe to remove the "advertisement" from "advertisement flyers". The reader can easily guess that the mountain of flyers probably have to do with universities and/or colleges.
5. quote:
Just because he didn't feel like looking them all through, and was a lazy guy overall anyway. The combination of, "Just because..., and... with no explanation for it, this sentence is deemed a sentence fragment—it doesn't make sense in grammar's book.
I do realize that the, "Just because he didn't feel like looking them all through," is an additional thought to the previous sentence, combining with the latter part of the sentence explaining the beginning part. Still, in order for this to be correctly phrased, there needs to be a bit of re-wording. Maybe something like, "He hadn't really felt like going through them all, since the lazy guy in him wouldn't allow it."? Keep in mind that I am staying in the "flashback" phase, using "have, had" and the like. This is just a single suggestion/possibility out of many, so adjust at your leisure. If there are any questions about this particular sentence, please PM me.
6. quote:
And out of the hundreds of paper sheet, the one he drew out of the lot read: 'GEARS University'. Because there is more than one sheet of paper involved, the "paper sheet" should be a plural "paper sheets".
---- Also, I don't believe the "out of the lot" is necessary here. That phrase matches the "out of the hundreds of paper sheet(s)" in meaning, so repeating the noun would most likely be repetitive. I would suggest removing "out of the lot".
---- Additionally because "GEARS University" is being introduced as what was on the paper, done so by the colon, I really don't believe that it should also be in single quotations. The colon's presence is distinct enough for the reader to realize what the paper read. So I would remove the quotes.
7. quote:
It sounded cool, so he packed his stuff, said farewell to his friends, whoall had given him a really odd look when he told them where he was going, even though didn't give any verbal comment, but his determination had risen high by then, and he went anyway. I don't rightly know if "cool" is perhaps the best adjective to be placed here. "cool" just seems too common to use. Perhaps "interesting" or "It had what he wanted to major in..." or something. Maybe it's my thinking from a previous suggestion, that Charlie's using "cool" is overly nonchalant; he's not taking it with the seriousness he should. It's as if he's saying, "Meh, the ad looks cool so I guess I'll go to school there for the next five years or so." Does this make sense? It might help to add something more to it, other that it sounding cool. I don't know.....
---- Also, in most narratives, the use of "stuff" is generally avoided to the point of not using it unless it's the utmost last thing. There are plenty other nouns in the English language that would probably be a lot better than "stuff". Maybe he packed his "clothes", his "possessions", his "bags"? Readers like description and specifics when the look at a story; it helps them get to know the characters and what's around him/her.
---- Furthermore, as the sentence flows on to, "...said farewell to his friends, who all had given...", it seems to become clearer that what follows this quote could very well be considered another distinct thought. And as one, I really think that it would be better off expressed as a new sentence, else this might be borderline too long of a sentence. I would change the bolded comma to a period, take out the "who", and capitalized the "all". It even might help to add, "All of them had given...".
---- Moreover, would it be considered removing the "him a" in "...given him a really odd look..."? I personally think it would make the sentence stronger, and maybe even match the flow better. And the sentence makes sense without it, also. If you do remove "him a", then I believe "look" will have to have, "...given really odd looks...". It is your decision, though.
---- Next, I really believe that "even" needs to be deleted from "...even though they didn't give any verbal comment...". To have the two words together, "even though", makes the reader think something happened when it shouldn't have. For example, "The rope broke, even though there was no stress on it." "She laughed even though she was hurt.". I think having "even though" used in this situation would most likely not make sense. Perhaps the phrase could be just without "even": "...where he was going, though didn't..." or "...where he was going, but didn't...".
---- Moving along, would it be considered taking out "give any verbal" in "...didn't give any verbal comment"? The term "give" had already been used in this sentence, and "any verbal" might seem too detailed, since commenting is usually verbal and the reader would realize that. If you wanted, then you could add, "...didn't comment beyond that" to emphasize that their expressions were also comments. Still, I don't see it as a major thing to add or not. I just would remove the "give any verbal" part.
---- Last of all, the ending part of this quote the ", but his determination had risen high by then, and he went anyway." seems very strongly to me like a sentence... not fragment, but something close to it. I'm unsure of having the contradicting "but" there as well. I think that simply stating something like, "Charlie's determination had risen high by then, so away he went." in a separate sentence would give a perhaps better effect.
8. quote:
Well, by now he knew that had most likely been the wrong choice. Would you consider revising this to, "By now, of course, he knew he had made the wrong choice." I'm just cautionary about using "most likely" with him knowing something. To me, it presents a contradicting hesitation. I think it would be best to have Charlie positive that he made the wrong choice, instead of narrowing it down to his choice to be likely the wrong one, but still not knowing for sure. Does this make sense any?
9. quote:
Of course, even on his slow-paced little home planet Amradia they had heard of the gigantic robots called 'mecha'. It's possible that there would need to be commas before and after "Amradia", which act as a slight introduction of what the part of the sentence before was talking about. It might look something like this: "...little home planet, Amradia,...".
---- Also, I'm a bit confused as to the word "they". It could be fine as is, but it could also be that the reader doesn't really know who "they" are in detail, though I'd imagine it is referring to the people living on Amradia. I'd suggest either removing "they" and adding, "Of course, even his slow-paced little home planet, Amradia, had heard of..." (This might give some personification.) or the "they" changing to "he", meaning Charlie (which brings the focus back to the main character). I'm for the personification one, though.
---- In addition, maybe it would be better to capitalized "mecha"? Since it is well-known throughout the galaxy, and is in fact capitalized in the actual game, MechQuest, I'd change it to "Mecha".
-- Plus, the single quotations might be better as regular quotes ("Mecha"). It is preferred, though either single or double quotations are fine (just remember to pick one and stick with it!).
10. quote:
However, Charlie himself had never seen one before. Until his space train arrived at the central station of Soluna City, Lore. I'm very hesitant on using "However," in this area. I really think that the previous sentence's "Of course," does not at all mix well with "However," (not mentioning that both are at the beginning of their sentences). I don't think "However," is critical enough to need to support the sentence; the fact that it is said that Charlie hasn't seen one before, in a way, hints a "however". I would strongly suggest taking out "However," and starting the sentence with "Charlie himself...".
---- Secondly, I added two sentences within this quote because of the fact that the second sentence is a fragment. I do realize that this could be a way to add greater emphasis to this part of the plot, though I'm really not getting that feeling. When I read it, I simply saw a sentence fragment that probably was an additional thought to be added to the previous sentence—since it still seems to follow its train of thought. What I'd suggest is merging the two sentences together. Perhaps it would look something like this, "Charlie himself had never seen one before until his space train arrived...". It's hard to say.
---- Also, in my opinion, it might be that having "...Soluna City, Lore." makes the sentence too detailed. Soluna City itself is infamous for its Mecha and sorts, though it seems awkward for me to read it as if it were a geographical location (<City, Plantet>). I really believe that it would sound a lot better if the reader was able to focus on the main point of this sentence (the exact location of where the space train is going, Soluna City). Sometime later on, you can slip in "Lore" for the reader to take note of in which that this is all happening on that particular planet.
11. quote:
He felt like a kid who had his first trip to a candy store: there were giant killer robots battling everywhere, using some of the most awesome weapons he'd ever seen. Would it be considered rearranging a few words in the beginning? I first have to point out "who had". In my criticalness of repetitivity, there is another variatied tense of "to have" in this sentence, one that I think should stay there. The second is "trip to a". There isn't anything wrong here, and I may be misreading this, but is the point trying to be made that Charlie is traveling to the university (his first trip to a 'candy store') and it will only get better when he actually arrives (to the store)? Or is the point trying to be made that he is in his first candy store (his first planet
---- Also, would it be additionally considered removing "battling" and placing it elsewhere? From what I'm reading, it may help to create more emphasis that there were robots everywhere, anywhere you looked. For my part, I very much think that it would be better to establish and focus first on the fact that they were everywhere, and then state their condition (battling). In my eyes, it would look something like this, "...there were giant killer robots everywhere, battling with the most awesome weapons he'd ever seen." —Please note that I removed "some of" from the sentence. If Charlie's home planet is slow-paced and little, wouldn't these be the best (awesome) weapons he'd ever seen? Hence my removal of "some of". It is your call, though.
12. quote:
By then, he thought it would most likely take him years to save up enough money to buy himself one, if ever. There seems to be something with "By then" that makes me ripple around in the timeline, so to speak. If I may, I would very much think that it would be completely fine to stay with the 'present' of Charlie's thinking, narrating that it was right then that it struck him of the money he would have to generate. (Not mentioning the fact that the previous sentence nearly started the same way as this one.) For instance, I would find this okay: "But right after, it struck Charlie that it would...". This shows the contrasting thought to his first state of awe at all the cool things on the planet. Just an idea.
---- In addition, I'm still not to keen with the thought of having "most likely" when stating probability. It just seems too passive, too detracting from the general idea that the reader will realize; and so, I would strongly advise the removal of "most likely".
---- Furthermore, perhaps it would be best to give more detail to "one". From the previous sentence, the reader was left with "awesome weapons", and so I would believe that now Charlie is thinking of the costliness of one of the weapons. If I'm interpreting this correctly, I would assume that Charlie means the years it would take to get a Mecha. So, I would replace "one" with "Mecha".
13. quote:
He went inside a place called "Tek's Mechs," and met the friendly pink/purple-haired owner of the shop: Tech. Would it be considered changing "place" to "building"? It would just make the line more descriptive, letting the reader know that it is a building and not some flat, open plain called Tek's Mechs. And since Tek’s Mechs is actually a considerably important location in MechQuest, not where you wouldn’t ever visit it again, I think it should have the little more details about it.
---- Another thing, in pouring through differing grammar books and the like, a good portion of them shared my not as comfortable feeling in having slashes within descriptiveness. That is, they didn't prefer “pink/purple-haired” over different methods of describing Tech. When I read narratives, especially published ones, there is very rarely, if not any slashes. Instead, they—and as I would suggest—describe such things as “…met the friendly pink and purple-haired owner of…”. Does this seem better? If not, then don’t worry about it. It is your story, so originality is key if you so wish.
14. quote:
She told him they sold Mechas and mecha equipment here, and then she asked him whether he was a GEARS student. Mmm… I’m not too keen with the idea of having two “she”s in the sentence unless absolutely necessary. (This is my overly anti-repetitive nature kicking in. :P) Looking at the two areas having this pronoun, I really think that the first one—the “She” starting the sentence—could be more easily altered. For instance, we could go for a more indirect approach, using the fact that the previous sentence indicated to the reader that Charlie was likely to soon be instigated into a conversation with Tech, the owner. To do this, the beginning line could be rephrased into something like, “He learned that Mechas…”. You know, nothing too drastic a change, but enough to bring the focus back to Charlie while sustaining the life of the conversation. ***Do note, though, that I removed “they sold” from the beginning line. I believe that that phrase could be translated into “were sold” and then be placed between “equipment” and “here”. Doing so would accommodate the suggestion I had made, so if you aren’t following it, then… don’t do anything.
---- In addition, I’m not entirely sure if there is a loophole in MechQuest, but because I’m seeing two versions of “Mecha”, one that is capitalized and one that isn’t, I feel that I should advise that if one kind of the word is chosen, then it should be written that way throughout the whole story unless a change informs the reader of such. This basically means that since you’ve had “Mecha” capitalized so far (and I think MQ also capitalizes the word, though I’m not sure) it would be best to capitalize the “m” in “mecha equipment”.
---- I’ve just realized that my suggestions to the beginning part of this sentence would likely imbalance the ending area of this line. To remedy this, may I suggest adding a bit more detail to after “here”? How I mean is that even on its own, Tech tells Charlie that they (or she) sells Mechas and equipment of the like, but then switches to asking him about his student credentials. This could easily be fine on its own; however I very much wish to provide the option of additional detail, in a sense. For example, I would add, “…equipment here, usually to students at the nearby university. She then asked him if he was in fact a GEARS student.” ***Do note again here, that I’ve gone ahead and made changes to what I thought should be noticed (and they would have been more confusing separated).
Firstly, I added the fact that Tek’s Mechs commonly sells to GEARS students, which I think helps transition Tech to ask if Charlie was actually a student there.
Secondly, I moved “then” to after “She” because I created a new sentence. I really think it would have been stretching it if the whole line had no breaks.
Thirdly, I changed “whether” to “if”. In my opinion, I think it sounds better a query, but having “whether” is fine, as long as you put “or not” at the end (following the phrase “whether or not”).
Fourthly, I added “in fact” to accommodate the “if” change. It can be taken out if need be.
15. quote:
Surprised, he had replied with a yes, and she had smilingly told him that his very own mecha was probably waiting for him at the university parking lot. To begin with, I think there have been enough “he”s to diversify the name a bit, so I think the bolded “he” should be replaced with “Charlie”. Following this, I’m noticing that there is a change from the past (he did something) with a more passive form of the past, like we aren’t actually viewing the action (he had done something). And because this does not follow the tense flow of the paragraph, I would advise the removal of “had” from “he had” and then from “she had” as well.
---- Also, I’m not too confident about the bolded comma. I suppose it is technically fine as is, but seems to create a pause that is unnecessary. I personally think “…he replied with a yes and she smilingly told him…” is fine, but it’s not that big of a deal.
---- Furthermore, the term “mecha” in this sentence is not capitalized. If you are keeping “Mecha” as a capitalized form, then of course I would capitalize the “m”. Your call.
---- In addition, Coyote’s influence has caused me to notice this next area. A lot of readers in general, be it indirectly or directly, like having action verbs while leaning less on passiveness (like ‘was verbing’). In looking at this phrase, perhaps it would be better having “…that his very own Mecha waited for him…”? **If this were to be changed, I would likely frown upon having the potential anti-fact “probably” in the sentence. Its presence would hinder the line’s flow, I think.
---- Nothing big here, but the choice of “in” serves as an alternative to “at”. My thinking is that “at” expresses a location, nothing more, whereas “in” gives further mention that the location is someplace where one can go ‘into’, so to speak. Again, this isn’t anything critical.
---- Lastly, the ending string of words, the “university parking lot” strikes something in me that doesn’t seem right. …Ah, perhaps it is because the parking lot belongs to the university, which makes possessiveness, “university’s”, needed. Alternatively, though, this could be fine without needed possessive punctuation in the fact that the location (the parking lot) could be regularly called that. To me it is unlikely that the students would continue to call it so, but the phrase could very well be well known as the “University Parking Lot”. All in all, I’m for the possessive kind.
16. quote:
At first, of course, he thought she was joking, but when she made clear she was serious, he realized that he had one of those awesome giant killer robots all for himself! There are a lot of pronouns here, more than I’d probably like, I can’t say any should be taken out, for the sentence sounds fine when read aloud. Still, to create more clarification for these, I would suggest adding “…she made clear that she was serious…”.
---- In addition, I would suggest changing “giant” to “gigantic”. To me, it sounds better amongst the rest of the closely-bound adjectives… but it’s nothing too big of an issue.
17. quote:
He thanked Tech, and ran of towards someone who could tell him where the university was. It might be better to reword the beginning to something like “Thanking Tech, he ran…”; just something that doesn’t begin the sentence with “He”. It mixes the sentence structure up a bit. If you don’t wish to change this, then I would strongly advise the removal of the comma. Him thanking Tech and running off are too close together of actions to require a pause of any sort.
----I think that what’s trying to be said here is that he “ran off” instead of… well, the other meaning.
---- Also, I think the usage of “towards” conflicts harshly with the setting of this part of the story. Charlie, first of all, is in a store, and running towards someone seems to limit that distance to only other people in the store… which I think are none. Furthermore, the fact that Charlie is running off kind of defeats the idea that “toward” means he already found someone to give him directions. Because of this I would advise changing “towards” to “to find” or “in search for”.
18. quote:
He had gotten quite excited over the idea of having his own Mecha! Mmm… I’m not too sure of keeping this sentence in the story. Usually authors try not to go out right and state such a fact. They would try to add “excitedly” or something like that into actions or the like, where the reader isn’t told directly, but can safely assume that, in this case, Charlie is indeed excited.
19. quote:
When he came out of the shop, he noticed something odd: a woman with a giant exclamation mark floating above her head!
He walked up to her, asking about it. She answered him that it just meant that she was the instructor for all new GEARS students, and that the exclamation mark was there to make her easy to find. This may be just me, but upon reading the previous sentences, I assumed that Charlie had already left the shop—so much to the extent that the reader could leave the shop behind. So, would it be considered rewording the beginning line to something along the lines of, “Rushing down the street, Charlie noticed…”?
---- At your discretion, the phrase “something odd” may or may not need to be removed from this sentence. The reader may get that what Charlie notices is certainly something odd, not requiring it to be said. Or still, having “something odd” can help build the ‘oddness’ even more. It is of not a grand of scale in importance.
---- Lastly… I just don’t know about the exclamation mark floating over the woman’s head. Yes, I know it is integrated within MechQuest, and could very much give wonderful comedic effect, but I don’t know if such a non realistic occurrence would be seen as, well, realistic to the reader. So far, that is to say, this story has a good fictional appearance to it: we know of flying ships and even giant robots. But to have a directly alteration to an actual person, a gigantic punctuation mark floating above one’s head… it just doesn’t seem real to me. Real to Charlie being well located enough to have the person that would easily give him directions be so deliberately pointed out… literally.
It might be best to shy away from MechQuest in this situation. Keep that kind of setting, certainly, but you don’t have to follow the story line detail by detail. Have Charlie notice a GEARS University insignia on the woman’s robes, or have him notice the stately teacher-like appearance about her. Just… I don’t know. I’m not too much of a fancy for giant yellow floating exclamation marks in this case. :D
20. quote:
When he asked about the university, she pointed to a pathway to his right, and told him that there were several shuttles there that flew between here and the university. Due to the fact that there are two “university”s in this sentence, it may be best to avoid repetitiveness by changing “about the university” to Charlie asking “…for directions, she pointed…”. Just a thought.
---- In this situation, because there are two “to”s close together in this area of the sentence, I would suggest changing the second (noticeably bolded) “to” to “on” both would give the same meaning to where the pathway was, and it would help prevent repetitiveness.
---- Also, I must strongly advise the removal of the bolded comma. In thinking of these events acted out, the woman pointing to the path and then telling Charlie of the shuttles would not require a pause or break enough for a comma to be needed, as is the effect of a comma.
---- In addition, to prevent any repetitiveness of the “there”s, I would suggest rewording “…and told him that there were several shuttles there…” to “…and told him that several shuttles were there…”.
---- Nothing big here, but it is possible to leave out “between here and”, so as to just leave “…that flew to the university.” It would make a greater focus on Charlie needing to get to the university. Still, I think I remember MechQuest actually mentioning the ‘between here and GEARS University’, so it can be left as is if you so wish.
21. quote:
He thanked the woman, and ran off towards the shuttles. Starting off, the comma very much should be deleted. His thanking and running off are not and should not be so far apart in time length that they require a pause or break to express it such.
---- Also, because “ran off” (and toward, originally) has already been used recently in this story, it may be better to change it to something like “…and headed towards the shuttles.” instead.
22. quote:
Why didn't I turn around back then, why?! Hmm… something about having “back” in the sentence doesn’t really match well with me and looking at the flow. I really think just “then” instead of “back then” would sound a lot better… and maybe less of an old term? (Like ‘way back then’ or ‘way back when’, you know?)
---- Additionally, if I’m not wrong, here would also be a likely place to either use the three spaces or the [hr] for letting the reader get the feel of a pause or ‘flashpresent’ (get it, like flashback but present? Bwahahah! :D) for the narrator to reminisce.
23. quote:
Once he had arrived at the university, he saw a message board, saying:
"Welcome new GEARS students! Gather in the great central room for the opening ceremony at 13:00 today for the opening ceremony. Don't be late!" There appear to be a lot of sentences lately that have started with suggestions of once or when Charlie did something, then he verbed something else. Does that seem right accurate at all, just looking back? Anyway, in thinking about this, I would propose rewording the beginning part of this sentence to something similar to “Having arrived at GEARS University, Charlie came to a message board…”.
---- Also, normally, there needs to be a comma after “Welcome”, so as to express that the welcome is to a particular persons. If there is not a comma on the message board within MechQuest, then I don’t know if there is a problem… though a comma should be there…. :)
---- Coinciding with the message board text, should “great central room” be “Great Central Room”, the capitalized version? I would think so, since it is taking about a well known area that is referred to as such—not mentioning the fact that the room is ‘great’. XD
24. quote:
Looking at his watch, he noticed it was already five to one. Similar to what was pointed out before about the recurring beginning of sentences, I think the sentence would be fine simply as “It was already five to one.” Short and sweet; plus, it would fall into the category of a short sentence—thus mixing the narrative up a little in sentence structure.
25. quote:
He had to hurry! Hmm… well, I would advise the rewording of this sentence somehow. You see, the next sentence after this, the “He dashed through…” also begins with “He”, thus creating a repeating structure that is more or less frowned upon. In evaluating the two sentences, I’d have to say that this shorter sentence would be the most optimal for adjustment. Perhaps something like, “No time to lose!” or “No time to waste!”?
26. quote:
He dashed through the great arch that functioned as the university's entryway, and looked at the signs on the wall on his right. I’m not exactly sure on this, but because the reader had not yet been introduced to this “great arch”, it may be necessary to change “the” to “a”. Again, I’m not 100% sure on this….
---- Also, because Charlie’s actions—dashing through the arch and looking at the signs—are not at all far apart in time length, meaning that there doesn’t need to be a pause or break in events, I would strongly recommend deleting the bolded comma.
---- Additionally, there appears to be two “on”s relative close together at the end of this sentence. To diversify them, would you consider changing the second “on” (the bolded one) to “to”?
27. quote:
He made his way around the corner as quickly as possible, only to find.... a janitors closet. There’s nothing wrong here, but another option in placing the ellipsis points is in place of the comma: “…as quickly as possible… only to find a janitors closet.” **Just something different, it would shift the suspense to what happened next after rounding the corner instead of the suspense of what Charlie could have found. Plus the “only to find”, if placed before the ellipsis points, may tend to diminish the suspense—like we now realize that he didn’t find the central room but... what? I don’t know; this is just a perspective-based… prospect.
---- Lastly, I’m not too sure here as well, but it’s best to point it out anyway. The “janitors closet”. Yes, the closet belongs to the janitor, making the need for the possessive apostrophe… but it could also be the closet for janitors. I don’t know, so it’s whatever you interpret the closet to be.
28. quote:
Some *@#$er must have put it there before so people like I'd go the wrong way.... and I only have 2 minutes left! In what I can read here, the phrase “…put it there before…” has thrown me off a bit. It’s seems confusing in regards to the surrounding text. For instance, someone must have put what there? The janitor’s closet? Those usually aren’t moveable, so I’m inclined to think that what Charlie means is that someone must have switched the signs so that he would be directed away from where he was trying to get to. And because of this thought, I would suggest a revision to “Some *@#$er must have switched the signs so people…”. **Corresponding with this change, I would furthermore advise keeping “before” out of the sentence. The past tense in “must have” cancels the need for “before”, I believe.
---- Also, there seems to be a mix-up in the usage of I/me. If one were to read out this phrase, completely and without the contractions, they would find this: “…so people like I would go the wrong way…”. Do you see it? So, I would strongly recommend changing “I’d” to “me would”.
---- In addition, and I’m only basing this off from what I know, there might need to be a change in the ellipsis points you have. I’ve found the website Dave’s WW of EU: Ellipsis Points very enlightening in these matters. Anyway, what it advises is that to show a pause, there should be three dots with a space after the last dot before starting back up again after the pause. So basically this means that there should be three dots in this sentence, not four.
---- Furthermore, with a general exception in time, it is greatly frowned upon to use numbers in place of the words for them. My point being, the “2 minutes left!” should be spelt out as “two minutes left!”.
29. quote:
He made his way back, and noticed another sign, this one hopefully the real one, saying "Grand Central Room", and dashed over in the opposite direction. In the sentence before Charlie’s thoughts, the same words were used to begin: “He made his way…”. I have to point out that this is potentially a sign of repetitiveness; maybe it would be best to reword this sentence to something else? Perhaps, “Hurrying back, Charlie noticed another sign…”?
---- Also, because the term “another” was used to describe the new sign, I really think it takes care of the need to have “this one”. The reader should be able to realize that Charlie is hoping that the new sign is the real one. So, I would remove “this one” from this sentence.
---- Additionally, it is optional to have the sign “reading, ‘Grand Central Room’…” instead of “saying”, but I think readers wouldn’t mind either or. Just to point it out….
---- Furthermore, I don’t know if “dashed over” is optimally drawn on in this case. The use of “over” makes it seem that Charlie is dashing to a place he knows of; a finite location he can see and is making a line for it—and one where the reader is looking from (like Charlie is going over to us). To me, at least, that doesn’t make sense, because Charlie is still lost and hoping that by going in this direction he will get to the Central Room. So, because of all this, I would propose replacing “dashed over” to “darted away”.
30. quote:
"What's that over there! No running in the hallways!" shouted a woman dressed in red to him. Firstly, having the exclamation mark in place of the question mark does indeed make sense, as it is, well, exclaimed. However, perhaps because of having two exclaimed phrases next to each other, I might suggest either changing the “!” to a “?!” or to only a question mark “?”. Still, nothing big here.
---- Also, I would strongly recommend that “to him” was taken out. The reader, by having read of Charlie’s recent actions, can very easily assume that the red-clothed woman is shouting at him. Many times in narratives, authors are able to word their sentences in such a way that the reader will get what the line says intentionally, but can also guess in some way or another how it correlates with other sentences around it.
31. quote:
Being a little angry over getting pranked already, he returned the favor by sending her a death glare, and continued to sprint down the hallway as fast as he could. Alternatively, it is quite possible to remove “Being a little” from this sentence. This would just create a different way to start a sentence, so anyway…. **Oh, and if such a change were to be considered, I would highly suggest changing “getting” to “being”. Doing this would make the action more of a title, a more personal view on his mishap instead of the process of it, if that makes any sense.
---- Also, I’m rather caught up on “sending her a death glare”. By the way it is worded, and the fact that this narrative is fiction (and other fiction/Creative Writings might share this), it appears to me that Charlie is more casting a spell called ‘death glare’ at the woman than actually squinting his eyes into a glare that gave the appearance of death. Does that seem likely? If so, then it may be for the better to add more detail around this action. For example, “…returned the favor by looking back and throwing her a hostile glare before continuing to sprint down…”. It’s not the best alternative, but work with it if probable.
---- Last of all, having “as fast as he could.” could be taken out if you felt like it. The sprinting part kind of makes me think he is trying to run as fast as he can… that and I’m unsure how long the sentence will increase in length if the previous suggestions are used. So it’s your choice either way.
32. quote:
And, ironically enough, he of course didn't make it. It seems to me that by using “of course” amongst “ironically enough”, the sentence turns into an overstatement. If I may, I’d prefer that the sentence was shorter in the sense that taking out “of course” would create more hilarity with every word. Does this make sense any? I really want to emphasize that having “of course” may be dragging out the humor in this sentence a little too much.
---- Also, I think it might be fore the best to give more detail in what’s trying to be said. My meaning being that I think there should be an extension of “…didn’t make it on time.” From my standpoint, it’s fine for dialogue itself to have a part left out. So that when Charlie said “Only one minute left... I'm not gonna make it!”, we all can assume that he means he won’t make it on time. However when the narrator is in the same situation, it is generally helpful for him/her to be more specific in that sense.
33. quote:
Even so, it didn't seem that they had started yet, so he just found himself place to sit as fast as he could, seeing as he was one of the last ones, and of course didn't bother to look at the neatly positioned signs next to the rows of seats. Because the narrator has not yet introduced this area of the story, it might not be the best idea to use “they”. I’m guessing that “they” refers to the important people that would start the opening ceremony, but the reader may not. If I may, I would suggest changing “they” to “the ceremony”.
---- Also, it may help to add that Charlie had finally arrived to the Central Room, perhaps in this way: “…had started yet when Charlie finally arrived, so he just found…”. The previous sentence had told us that Charlie didn’t make it there on time, but failed to mention that he actually got there eventually—so having that detail may give for a better sentence/event flow.
---- Additionally, it appears that a simple “a” was left out in “himself place”. So, I would suggest adding “…found himself a place to sit…”
---- Furthermore, I’m not to sure about having “as fast as he could” in this sentence. Such a phrase would seem to be better fitting when Charlie was racing to find the Grand Central Room, but not once he got there. Perhaps it would be better to have something else in its similarity, like “…so he just quickly found himself a place to sit.”?
---- Continuing on, the last two lines that are broken up by commas seem to wish to extend the sentence further. The last part, “and of course didn't bother to look at the neatly positioned signs next to the rows of seats.” in fact doesn’t match with the punctuation use and is considered an additional fragment to the sentence. What I’m trying to say is that I really believe that creating a new sentence would be most helpful. Of course doing so would cause for the need of minor rewordings, but that shouldn’t be an issue. It may looks something like this, “…place to sit. Seeing as he was one of the last to show up, Charlie, in his haste, didn’t bother to look at the neatly positioned signs next to the rows of seats.”
34. quote:
He also failed to notice the odd looks from all the red-clad guys and girls who were sitting around him. Just a suggestion, it may help to add “…looks coming from…” for clarification. Still, though, the point is made either way, so no worries.
---- Also, I don’t know, it just seems that the use of “guys and girls” instead of “boys and girls” strikes me as… different. It is correct either way, but it seems more personal to me. And that can be a good thing.
---- Lastly, because of the thoughts of less passive, more action, I would suggest changing “were sitting” to merely “sat”.
35. quote:
Then, at long last, the schools dean arrived. Because the ‘dean’ belongs to the school, or university rather, there should be an apostrophe between the “l” and “s” in “schools”.
---- Also, I’m unsure exactly of this, but I would think “dean” should be capitalized. I know that it is when talking about titles (like Dean of Education, or Dean of Technology) but I suppose other than that it is fine no capitalized. So… um, never mind. :D
36. quote:
Immediately, all the lights in the room went out, and two spots turned on and centered on him as he calmly walked towards the stage in front. Due to the fact that the lights going out and the two lights turning on were not distinctly that long apart in time to require a pause, I would very much advise the removal of the bolded comma.
---- Also, I think it may be best to change “spots” to “spotlights”. In my opinion, and it may be incorrectly viewed as such, but “spots” seems more a slang term to “spotlights”—if the two words have indeed the same meaning. Tying in with writing numbers out completely, I usually find it preferable in narratives to refrain from colloquial speech. Narration is usually more formal, more impersonal, and allows for better emphasis on the characters within the narration, since dialogue can be anything it wants to be.
---- In addition, I feel that the first “on” can be safely removed from “…turned on and centered on…”. Because both ‘turned on’ and ‘centered on’ evidently end with “on”, once can efficiently save the trouble of having to repeat themselves by joining the two together: “…turned and centered on…”.
---- Moving along, it could be possible that the bolded “him” should be changed to “the dean”. I realize that it is already used in the previous sentence, but the way it is placed (how it is more near the end of this sentence) and the awareness that “he” and “his” will be frequent in following sentences makes me think that it would be fine.
37. quote:
His long white beard and hair almost radiated, and Charlie couldn't help but wonder about his eyes, which both were a bright light blue, almost white, even though he didn't appear to be blind. I had some struggle with “which both were” in this sentence; it seemed a struggle with the tongue to pronounce, and even when I tried switching it around, “both which were” didn’t flow well with me either. This went on for some time until I realized that “which” and “were” could be taken out together, “both” could be taken out, or “which both were” could be taken out entirely. So… yeah, take your pick. XP It just seemed to me that in its original state, this phrase didn’t catch well. I don’t know if this is just me… but ‘meh’.
---- Also, I think it might help to take out “even” from “even though”. To me, the “even” seems additional, an extension to what doesn’t need to be there. Plus, having it be “…almost white, though he didn’t appear…” looks perfectly okay to me, not mentioning that “even” will appear in the following sentence.
38. quote:
His red and golden cloak didn't even get ruffled the slightest bit while the old man walked towards the stage. Hmm… what exactly is trying to be said here? Ruffle, as in disturbing the smoothness of his cloak? To form ripples? To fluff up? To get pleated into parallel folds? To become wavy? Forgive me, this just struck me as an unusual verb for a cloak to perform (at least, I’ve not heard it used in this sense often). This could very well be fine on its own, so I shall leave it as is, for you to decide what to do.
---- Also, because “towards the stage” was recently used, it may not be necessary to have to write it again. Simply having, “…slightest bit as the old man walked.” would make the exact same sense.
39. quote:
"Welcome students..." Due to the fact that there is a particular group of people that is being welcomed, the students, there needs to be a comma after “Welcome”. From what I know of, at least, “Welcome, students…” is correctly punctuated.
40. quote:
After which the crowd went wild. This appears to be a fragment of a sentence; from what I can tell, it is most likely seeking to continue the previous lines as a sentence. In my own opinion, I would think removing “After which” and just having “The crowd went wild.” would be perfect. Still, if you so wish to keep this in its format, then I might suggest decapitalizing the “A” on “After”, though I’m not entirely sure if that is correct.
41. quote:
Everyone stood up, clapped, shouted, and whistled between their fingers. This is very minor, but it may be possible to gently reword this in a different way. When I first read this, a flicker of thinking that everyone stood up, clapped, shouted, and whistled came to me before it went away. This thought insinuates that everyone did exactly that, there being no diversification on cheering. If two things were to change, the comma changed to “and” and the bolded “and” changed to “or”, then it might eliminate that potential thought altogether. Looking like this: “Everyone stood up and clapped, shouted, or whistled between their fingers.”, would it be any way better?
42. quote:
Of course, Charlie just participated in the ruckus, as he didn't want to be an outsider, and because the mood had a rather contagious effect on him. I’m getting a slight contradiction when reading the beginning part, especially around the word “just”. It makes Charlie appear over such celebration, too good for doing it casually. It is like a diminishing strike on the effect of this part of the story. I would highly recommend removing “just” from this sentence. The “Of course” is sufficient enough to structure the sentence, and I have a bad feeling with having “just” here. Now, if you agree on removing “just” then I must recommend changing the beginning part, word-wise. Personally, I would have it start out as “Charlie, of course, participated…” or simply as “Charlie participated in the ruckus…”. To me, at least, having “Of course” and then a short sentence before including commas for explanation seems to disrupt the flow of the sentence. This could be just me.
---- Also, would it be considered changing “be” to “looking like”? In my thoughts, it would seem more likely that his not participating would make him look like an outcast to other people. Having “be” makes me think that him choosing not to participate would automatically title him as an outcast, instead of there being the chance of someone seeing him not participate and then thinking that he looks like an outcast. Does that make sense?
---- Lastly, because the second reason is one that is different from the first one, almost opposite, or more natural than his perspective fear, I think it might help if there was the addition at the end: “…contagious effect on him anyway.”. To me, “anyway” helps transition the reader’s thinking from Charlie needing to participate in order to fit the part to Charlie wanting to participate because it was a genuinely… momentous environment to do so. Still, just my opinion.
43. quote:
However, the dean made one gesture of silence, and the whole room obeyed almost immediately. Starting off, I’m not too keen with the idea of having “However,” start the sentence, or be in it at all in this context. However is like a contradicting to previous statements, not like a negating factor, but rather like an opposite reaction. The dean wouldn’t need “However,” unless it was an opposite of the celebration “The dean, however, remained solemn.”, but even then it is misused. What I’m trying to say is that I would strongly advise starting the sentence without “However,” and just with “The dean made…”. This can help bring the story from the celebrational effect and back to narration.
---- Additionally, because the gesture and the immediate obeying to it was, well, immediately done, there is no need for a punctuation-brought pause into the sentence. That is, the bolded comma separating those actions should not be there. I would delete that comma.
---- Moreover, I must, with every persuasive measure I can think of, recommend the removal of “almost”. Having “almost immediately” instead of just “immediately” greatly increases the likelihood of a disruption in sentence flowing. The word “almost” in this context makes the sentence too detailed. What I mean is, the reader can realize that an audience won’t instantly fall completely silent, but they can understand that by having a large crowd immediately, there would probably be a dying of noise—quick or not. They can tell there will probably be a short amount of time before it is dead quiet, but they don’t need an “almost immediately” to let them know that; it can be imagined. The “immediately” would be better in the sense that is more general of a tone—meaning that the room in general went silent again, back to its original quiet when the room was waiting for the dean to get on stage. Anyway, I’d remove the “almost”. :)
44. quote:
Now, on the other hand, almost everyone in the whole room started shouting and whistling again. I think I know what’s trying to be said in “Now, on the other hand,…”, but I believe the use of that phrase is somewhat confusing here. I get that it is used to contrast against the few shouts raised from the new students, but again… I don’t know if that idea can be caught easily by readers. Perhaps it would be more effective to focus not on the contrasting, but on the actual moment after the dean spoke. For instance, having “At this, everyone…” in the beginning would point more to the invoking statement and less on the speculating of the two responses being compared, if that makes any sense.
---- In addition, I’m again not partial to making the detailed “almost everyone” present in the sentence. To me, it weakens the word. Maybe having just “everyone” or saying something like “a large portion of the audience” would be a better alternative.
---- Also, because, “the whole room” was used in the previous sentence, the repeating of that phrase would likely make for a repetitive nature. I believe that the sentence would do fine without “in the whole room”, if need be.
45. quote:
He raised his hand again, and the room was silent once more. Because “again” was just used in the previous sentence, perhaps it would be best to find a synonym for it. Thinking out loud, “He raised his hand a second time…” would give the same effect.
---- Also, having “once more” may make for two synonyms for “again”, which might be a bad thing. If I may, in taking out “once more”, the reader can still tell that the room growing quiet happened a second time; the narration takes care of that. Maybe it would be best to set it as that. *** Furthermore, I bolded “silent” because I wished to bring to your notice the possibility of having “…and the room was silenced.” in place of having the room silent. I personally think it might make for a stronger ending to the sentence, but it could very well be just me.
46. quote:
I, dean Warlic, wish you all a great new year at GEARS, and I hope you may come to rise to your own expectations. Hmm… I don’t know if this is just contrasting with the “all” previously, or if the reader can guess that as much, but I don’t rightly think that “own” should be in the sentence. Its presence confused me when I read over this part, and I struggled to understand at first what Warlic meant.
47. quote:
Our second-years and over are from here on allowed to enter their dorms once again, and the newcomers can come forward in just a minute to pick up the keys to their dorms. Would it be considered changing “over” to “above”? Forgive me, but when I read this, I thought Warlic was saying that our second years are now over…. There’s not that much of a difference either way, but I’d prefer “above”.
---- Additionally, I believe that the term being sought for is “hereon”, a single word meaning ‘On this place; To this place; On this subject or basis; hereupon’. So I would change “here on” to “hereon”.
---- Also, this is just perspective, but as a dean—very professional and all that—would it be more likely for Warlic to use the term “dormitories” in place of “dorms”? To me, it seems like he would, but it is only perspective.
---- Furthermore, this is minor, but perhaps Warlic would use “may” instead of “can”, in order to show that he is allowing the newcomers to come forward, instead of giving them the option to do so.
---- Lastly, the last part of the sentence… seems… I don’t know, maybe mechanical to me? It’s hard to describe, but Warlic’s using of “their dorms.” seems to make no acknowledgement of the second year and above’s dorms. I would suggest changing this area to “…keys to their own quarters.” **Please note that I changed “dorms” to “quarters” to prevent repetitiveness.
48. quote:
Afterwards, there will be 'open houses', and you can go and visit all of the houses to see which one you will join.... even though one of our new students appears to already have found himself a spot among the Wolfblade!" This is very minor and unimportant, but because Warlic is being instructional, it may be better to change the “and” to “where”. That way, it appears that he is describing what the open houses are. That’s just how I look at it, but it doesn’t matter much, I suppose.
---- Also, I don’t know about having “even” in “even though”. The “even” seems to make the following statement more a contrast than anything to what Warlic said previously. To me, it might not make perfect sense, though I’m not too sure myself. “even though” might be looked upon as “despite the fact”, if that helps….
49. quote:
Suddenly, Charlie realized a third spot had suddenly been aimed at him! As I mentioned before, it may be best to change “spot” to “spotlight”. Just mentioning.
50. quote:
He broke into cold sweat, but then he noticed the dean gave him... a wink? Because there is already a “he” in the sentence, it would be best not to add another one. To remedy this, I would suggest removing the bolded “he” and changing “gave” to “giving”. I really think “giving” would be better matching his confusion at the wink… and it accommodates the removal of the “he”.
51. quote:
He felt more confident instantly, grinned widely, and replied with a simple "thank you, sir!". Because the previous sentence started with “He” as well, I would suggest rewording the beginning of this sentence. Perhaps something like, “Feeling instantly more confident, he grinned widely and replied…”, but just to not have “He” start the sentence. **Do note that in this example I removed the bolded comma after “widely”, as it would not be needed for a list.
---- In addition, because there is going to be a dialogued quote in the sentence, the word before the dialogue should have a comma to introduce the line. What I mean is, there should be a comma after “simple”.
---- Lastly, because what Charlie says in the quote is the start of a new sentence for him, regardless of where him quoted is in this sentence, the line should start with a capital letter. So, “thank you, sir!” should be “Thank you, sir!”.
52. quote:
The second-year Wolfblade around him seemed more amused than annoyed by his presence, which give his confidence another boost. Mmm… I don’t know about this. I would think that the entire Wolfblade members sitting around him would be the ones either annoyed or not by his being there. What is originally stated appears to be a single person, a second year Wolfblade student somehow around him. I would remove “second year” and add an “s” to the end of “Wolfblade”. Or does “Wolfblade” have plural-like qualities…?
53. quote:
On an impulse, made an excessive bow, and provoked a laugh among all of the assembled Wolfblade, and the dean himself. First off, who made the bow? It may be best to add either “he” or “Charlie” before “made”.
---- Also, would “exaggerated” be considered in place of “excessive”? To me, “exaggerated” seems more natural in this comedic feat.
---- Additionally, I would remove the bolded comma after “bow”. The actions following are not that far off to need a comma. Or if you would keep the comma, then perhaps “which” would be a better placement than the “and”.
---- Furthermore, would it be better to add “…Wolfblade, and even the dean himself.”, so as to include the dean in the laughing? Just having “…Wolfblade, even the dean himself.”, would do the same job.
54. quote:
He even got a few friendly punches afterwards from the guys who had been standing next to him, and he felt it had been an excellent start of the year. Mmm… wasn’t Charlie the only one standing when he performed the bow? I suppose that when Warlic silenced the room, everyone sat back down again, so if that were so, wouldn’t the spotlight then have landed on a sitting Charlie who then thanked Warlic and stood up to bow, sitting down afterwards to receive the slaps on the back? I don’t know; its just the way I thought of it.
---- Also, nothing major at all, it is possible to use “…excellent start to the school year.”, alternatively. ** Please note that I also added “school” before “year” as a further possibility.
55. quote:
After picking up his keys, he went back to the grand hall. It might be preferable to change “he” to “Charlie”. After all, it is a new paragraph and “Charlie” hasn’t been used for a while.
---- Also, I don’t recall, but should “grand hall” be capitalized, since it is a commonly referred to location as such… to the point of being a title?
56. quote:
He saw the Wolfblade instructor again, and expected a scolding for his behavior earlier, but got a broad smile and a personal invitation from her for a tour through the house of Wolfblade. From what I can see in the next sentence, both that and this one have beginnings that, well, begin with “He”. This potentially makes for a repetitive nature, and so I would suggest rewording this beginning. (I looked at the other one and couldn’t really find a better way to reword that sentence beginning.) If possible, maybe the sentence could start off with , “The woman in red he saw earlier came up to him.”, or something like that. This could even be its own sentence, with the other parts starting their own. What I’m trying to say is that, because Charlie has gone to the Great Hall, maybe there are “House Salespitchers”, so to speak—offering tours and persuasive measures to have them join their house. It’s just an idea.
---- Furthermore, hmm… because there are two “Wolfblade”s in this sentence, I have to evaluate both for potential repetitiveness. What stands out to me the most is that the first one, the “Wolfblade instructor”. The reader didn’t exactly know that the woman dressed in red that shouted to Charlie about running in the hall was in fact from Wolfblade. If this isn’t too bold, perhaps it would be for the better to rethink and reword the way she is introduced. For example, maybe starting off with remembering the woman in red would go first, and then letting us know she is from Wolfblade would happen after. Something like this, “The woman in red he saw earlier came up to him. It was only then that he noticed the Wolfblade emblem on her robes. Expecting a harsh reprimand for his behavior earlier, he instead received a broad smile and a personal invitation for a tour of her House.”. – You know, nothing too bold, but a bit more explanatory.
---- Also, if anything previously suggested is to be changed or not, I would suggest taking out the comma that follows the word “again”. In this original quote, the two actions that the comma is separating don’t seem to require a lengthy pause or break in occurrence.
---- Additionally, just to present an alternative, it is possible to change “got” to “received”. Optionally, “received” has less different definitions for it, making it more detailed in this situation. Still, it matters little, I suppose.
57. quote:
Simple-mindedly, he just didn't even consider going to the other houses, and signed in for Wolfblade immediately. Would it be considered changing “going” to “visiting” or “touring”? I think “going” might be taken as joining or picking, instead of what I think is being insinuated as visiting. Does this make sense?
---- Lastly, and this is optional, I suppose, but when I hear of recruiters and people joining different ‘organizations’, the phrase “signing on” or “onto” is affiliated with it. I mean, “signing in” is fine; I just wanted to present an option.
58. quote:
How he regretted that now! According to the other times where the narrator created a pause for the main character to throw in a reminisce about his actions, usually it was done by him, in the first person. I’m just pointing this out because anywhere else still follows that first person perspective, I think. So, if this was to be changed, it would likely be something similar to, “How I regret that now!”. ***Also, when these breaks did occur, they were in italics, to express that the character was indeed speaking. If this were to be changed, then I’d italicize the sentence.
----- To end this, following my assumption, this too would be a spot to have either the three spaces before and after, or the [hr] before and after, to make that jump point.
Critiquing Converged!!!
My, this was really a fascinating story to read. You will note that I stopped line by line critiquing this after I passed the “How he regretted that now!” part of the story. This is due to a few things:
First, way too much time has passed since I gave you my word that I would critique this. I wouldn’t dare continue to throw caution to the winds and keep stretching this out further.
Secondly, there appears to be no further major areas that I wish to bring to light for bettering. Anything additional would be from my perspective, and at that, tiny things. However, if you would prefer me to continue and critique this last (is it third) part of your story, then I shall be most happy to oblige. I have indeed completely read over this narrative, mind you.
Thirdly, it would be best if I have you go over this last part yourself and take from what I suggested in the previously covered parts of the story. I really think that you looking at a piece of your work that I didn’t directly critique but gave mention to several issues that should be sought for would be of immense benefit to both your critiquing and writing ability as a whole. Helping to build character and whatnot. :D
At any rate, I was most intrigued by this narrative. If my memory is accurate, this is the first of its kind that I’ve looked at—a story based upon a game, specifically MechQuest. It was… an interesting approach, both for you and for me to look at.
What I liked about this was the storyline mixed in with the personalization. I liked how you took the idea of MechQuest and transformed it around a character, around the realism that such a thing could happen to the reader, if the time was right.
If I might, there are some areas that I wish to point out, though.
For starters, I’ll be general. To create a story that is based off of games created by others, doing so commonly requires a good amount of detail. A lot of us, when playing MechQuest, for instance, focus on visual sight. It is very easy for us to look at the ‘environment’ on a computer screen and then proceed to focus on what’s important to the storyline; it is much harder to remember other details therein. And, subconsciously or not, we can sometimes make the assumption that everyone knows what we may already know of—be it from the setting of that time or particular events.
What I’m looking for in this story is more detail. What you’ve written so far is an excellent foundation and more that you’ve already built from, but I would still like to see a bit more. Try and add to the setting, the descriptions of characters, objects that the characters interact with, especially things that are known only to those who play MQ. Be sure to use the five senses in as much narration as you can.
A very critical thing to remember is that there is nothing wrong with too much detail in your first draft. Those who read your story will definitely be able to tell you if you have put too much detail in. It is much harder to do the opposite, however. I think that’s what a lot of stories might need a bit more of…
Tying in with the detail part, be sure that, once having read through the story, it sounds as if it could have happened to you—in the realistic sense, that is. There were some areas of the story where it seemed like the events that kept the plot moving were… not exactly this, but… ‘artificial’? For example, quote:
He reached out for it, but suddenly, a mis-fired rocket from a fellow Wolfblade hit one of the giant, red crystals, and blew off the top part. It flew through the air, spinning and decided to land exactly on top of the burning remains of the enemy Mecha. The crimson crystal reacted, thanks to the great heat, with the Mecha's fuels and made the entire Mecha go 'boom' in a giant explosion. These actions could very easily be logically explained, but in their present context, they all seem to happen together in unison, like they were harmoniously synchronized to take place specifically in that order and timeframe.
Many times it is very helpful to add details that are purposely designed to explain and clarify a situation. Take, for example when Charlie was running to get the crystal. Possibly there could be the detail that “blasts from still-battling mechas continued to shower down upon the area”, which would set the reader in a sense of chaos and confusion—a hindrance in the ultimate goal of Charlie’s struggle. Maybe Charlie has to dive behind a smoldering piece of gigantic metal to avoid a rocket blast from a Mecha before sprinting that much closer to the crystal. Perhaps the chipped crystal was cast deep into the remains of the enemy mecha and Charlie has but moments to get out of the way before the entire thing explodes. Maybe explaining why Charlie needs to get that crystal, what the crystal does, its chemical reactivity to blasts and laser fire, all of that intertwined in that section would make the story that much more catching.
Another example could be the time gap from when Charlie becomes a member of Wolfblade to when he gets an Advanced Nova Wolfblade. I mean, that Mecha is rather expensive (very much so to one who didn’t think he could afford any Mecha) and it requires a lot of experience to handle one (the Advanced part), not mentioning the special payment he had to go through to obtain one (the Nova part). A great deal of narration appears lost by that jump in time.
Who are the ShadowScythe? I don’t know if the reader could understand as easily if they weren’t introduced to them.
And what of Sarah? There seems to be a lot more that could’ve been written about the two lovers from different houses. I mean, that in itself is quite intriguing.
I might not be explaining this the best, but do you kind of see what trying to get at? Detail. :)
In writing anything that is unique within itself, be sure to think of the reader as a simple, average intelligent person who has been locked away from society for the past five years. The reader might have an idea what all the different content in the story is, but that’s not something to depend heavily upon.
Additionally, it can sometimes be of assistance to see if the story can’t play out like a movie. What I mean is a look at character interaction, what the reader can ‘see’ at a certain ‘camera angle’, if that is of any significance.
Next up, be sure to watch out for repetitiveness. Perhaps I am biased somewhat, as I have this need to find any potential repeatings in the story, even if the matters in question are perfectly fine. But still, what I’m suggesting goes into both the sentence structure and the sentence content. A vast majority of readers, if not all of them, are able to remain interested in the story if they have diversity reading (to point out one reason, for there are others).
In several areas, there were times where sentences all began with “He”. Yes, I realize that it is difficult to find other names for “Charlie” (in fact I can’t think of any other than “he”) but it is very possible to manipulate the words around the nouns so that there wouldn’t be any prospective for redundancy. This does take some time, yes, but it is very much worth it overall.
There were also some times in the story in which I found there to be sentence fragments attached to regular sentences, lines that make sense perhaps to the mind, but not on paper, or when reading aloud. Hopefully I was successful in pointing this out when I believe there were examples of it. The best advise I can give you is to read your story out loud at least once when editing. There are many times in critiquing and writing where I would never have caught something that was incorrect had I not read it out loud for my own ears to hear. The eyes can only read through so much before they want to scan quickly with previous remembering, so listening can certainly be found beneficial.
When reading this story out loud, think of it as if you were actually narrating to an audience; like you were a storyteller with facial expressions and eye contact to people. It might just help.
Still, this story is definitely good to read. I quite enjoyed critiquing this piece. The ending part, where she smiled, brought to my mind something I had once recalled before, but now couldn’t. This narrative did very much in invoking exhibits of emotion, matching the ‘aura’ of that particular part, in a good many areas.
Once more, anything and everything I have written here is but mere suggestions. Your story does not have to be adjusted in the slightest if you don’t feel that it should. I am nothing but an opinion; it is you who is the author here.
If there are any questions, comments, concerns you have, please let me know.
May you remain attentive to the ideas around you,
Master Samak
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