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RATIONALPARANOIA -> The Most Pretty Adventure Of The Handsome Edgar Campington (11/24/2008 21:26:11)
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The Most Pretty Adventure Of The Handsome Edgar Campington
Elizabeth Swanfacebeautifulintelligentperfectbeyondanythingpossibbleintherealworldbecausesheismerelyanauthor'sfantasythatsheusestorunawaywiththeideaofaperfectpersonprettysparklygirl (people called her Elizabeth S.) sat in Biology. The class sucked. And why did it suck? Because she was ugly. She didn't care that all the boys drooled just looking at her, and always asked her out, they were wrong. She was ugly.
And why was she ugly? Because a main female protagonist can never have enough angst, and we know there's nothing more angstful than a girl who can't stop asking her boyfriend “Do you think I'm pretty?!” (and nothing more annoying, too, the fictional boyfriends would say. But what do we care? They're nothing more than creations for our amusement.)
But anyway, back to that Biology class thingamajiggy. She wasn't paying attention to the class- she didn't have to. Her relationship had not even started yet, and her grades slipping was only something that would happen later, to add to the drama. So right now, there was no danger- if they slipped now, the drama would decrease. And we all know a good relationship story can't suffer the drama decreasing.
So, she wasn't paying attention. And because of this, she was extremely bored. There were a few of her friends in this class, but she didn't feel like talking to them. They weren't even her main friends, so they were all one-sided characters, and they all had one attitude that they always had. There was Silvia, the nerdy one. Carla, the preppy one. Joanne, the mean one. Datsukominkeo, the stereotypical vague nonspecific Asian country exchange student one.
Why was Datsukominkeo one of her friends? Why, to show that she did not bias other people based on their race, of course. This was also the cause of her friend Deveria. It wasn't just her friends that didn't interest her... both the classroom and the professor were quite generic, too. The classroom was the typical American one, the desks arranged into rows, an old fashioned blackboard on the front, and windows on one side. The professor was pretty generic, too- he was the old sciency guy who means well, but has that voice that puts everyone to sleep.
And right at this moment, Elizabeth S. was wishing that a boy would show up. And not just any boy, either- a boy who wasn't completely human! Because, for some reason, boys that were only pure human did not interest her, no matter what their personality was or what they looked like. And she would never quite fathom why, but suddenly, two of her wishes were granted at the same time: the boy of her dreams showed up, and the class become far more interesting.
A boy crashed through the window, wielding a sword in one hand. And somehow, she just knew he wasn't human- there were a few subtle clues. Perhaps it was the way his eyes seemed to turn bright red and shoot out laserbeams. Perhaps it was the long, blood dripping fangs that he had. Perhaps it was because he was more beautiful than any human could ever possibly hope to be (whatever that means...). Or perhaps it was the fact that when the sun hit his skin, baby kittens appeared all around him.
“Excuse me, young man, just what do you think you're--?!” The professor's words were cut off as the vampire (for Elizabeth realized that was what he was) stabbed him repeatedly through the chest. Blood spurted all over the blackboard and those in the front row, and began to pool at the head of the classroom.
“Alright, Elizabeth, let's go. I don't have any time for this 'Will they or won't they?” BS- this a short story the man's writing, not no young adult supernatural romance novel.” At first she hesitated to go with him, thinking that he might just be a blood thirsty monster. But then she realized something- he had a great sixpack. It was like the bestest sculptors in the world had carved it, and his pale skin covering the muscles like a polished ivory/ruby/turquoise/every precious gem but still with a white color was like the icing on the cake- except this cake was a guy. And she wasn't going to eat him. She was going to date him. And, well... it's not a perfect description.
“I'll go, but, um... aren't you afraid of the police coming after you?” The vampire snorted at this, tossing his long dark hair back over his shoulders as he did so. It was so beautiful, and the specks of blood flying off the hair made it even better.
“Elizabeth, I thought you were smarter than that! We've barely even started this relationship yet, and you should know that the drama gold needs to be kept for later.” He said this with a wink, apparently to the wall.
“Who are you winking at?” she said.
“They know who they are.” he replied with a chuckle. “By the way, I didn't bring a car... but Professor Frink has been gracious enough to lend us his own.”
They both jumped into his car, a teal Volkswagen Beetle that smelled strongly of cat piss. It wasn't exactly the perfect romantic setting, but the vampire was sure his natural charm would overpower that. As they pulled out, Elizabeth realized that the boy sitting next to her was exceptional at driving. But of course, she thought. He couldn't be a Marty Stu if he wasn't good at driving.
“Hmm- is that your friend, Elizabeth?” Elizabeth looked out the front window and saw a small mousy haired girl standing there. It was Jasmine, her best friend since they were just toddlers.
“Yeah, that's my best friend.” Elizabeth replied. The vampire groaned, and opened the driver's door.
“Alright, I'll go see what she wants. You stay in the car.” Getting out of the car, the vampire walked over to Jasmine, an annoyed look on his face.
“Yeah, what do you want, girl?” The small girl responded by spitting onto the vampire's shirt, and giving him a rude hand gesture.
“I'm not going to let a monster like you date my friend Elizabeth!” The vampire groaned as he heard this, and walked back to the car.
“What did she want?” asked Elizabeth as soon as the vampire got back in the car. He slammed down the gas pedal before he replied.
“Oh, nothing. Just wanted to add some dramatic tension to our relationship by telling you not to date me, and calling me a monster.” With the car going full speed, the vampire headed straight for Jasmine. She tried to avoid the car, but being an excellent driver, the vampire just slammed it right into her.
“Oh my goodness!” exclaimed Elizabeth (just in case the fact she exclaimed wasn't clear enough from the exclamation mark.) “What did you do that for?!”
“I thought you knew by now, sweetheart, we don't have time for our relationship to get sidetracked!” said the vampire in reply. “The story simply isn't long enough for that!”
“You're right, you're right.” said Elizabeth, calming down. “So, where are we going?”
“Uh, the beach.” said the vampire. “That's romantic enough, right?”
The beach was, in fact, quite romantic. Those who had been on the beach quickly left the two young starstruck lovers alone, apparently convinced there was no point in staying, especially after the vampire started eating all of the young children. Elizabeth and the vampire lay next to each on the sand, watching the sun set, and knowing that a big emotional moment was coming.
And so it did, as the sky turned purple. Elizabeth leaned in, bringing her face close to the vampire's... and gave him a kiss on the cheek. A grandma-like kiss on the cheek, no less.
“Are you... kidding me?” said the vampire. “This is all you're going to do?”
“Well excuse me, Marty!” shouted Elizabeth. “The target audience won't like me unless they think I'm a good girl who wants to take it slow, but you can be as bad as you want and they'll still love you.”
“Hmm...” said Marty, his brow furrowed as if thinking about something deeply. “Do you think the target audience would like me if I did this?” Using his freakish inhuman strength, the vampire broke Elizabeth's neck with his bare hands.
“A waste of time, really.” said the vampire, walking back to the car. “Boy, I hope the next girl's better than this... I might just see what the Isabella chick is all about.” Into the sunset the vampire drove, his long black hair blowing in the wind. Out of the whole day, he only had one regret- that professor had bled all over a really good shirt.
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