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Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Lyrik von der überschüssigen/Poetry from a Crazy Commenting Thread (11/27/2009 15:58:08)
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Hiyas!
Some comments on the poem Autism, starting with details:
1)
quote:
Even what one another does not hear or see
Not so sure if 'one another' fits in this context, as to my knowledge it refers to mutual action between two entities, as in 'to love one another'. Was this supposed to be 'Even what one does not hear or see' ?
2)
quote:
Provided that another autistic get reached
This wording baffles me. Were you going after the idea that the 'I' in the poem feels it is important that he reaches one autistic person besides himself or that autistic people in general would be reached? If the latter, I'd recommend putting this in plural: 'Provided that other autistics are reached' (I'm partial to liking 'are' instead or 'get' when combined with the verb 'reached')
If you were aiming for the first option, I'd change the line from passive to active voice, so that'd be more apparent that he himself is trying to reach someone. Just a suggestion.
3)quote:
With other people in the special
Methinks 'in the special' would need a noun to continue the definition with. 'In the special what'? Unless, of course, you meant 'especially' with other people:
'Especially with other people ' or 'With other people specifically'
4)quote:
Expires normal for me
'Makes normal expire for me' or 'Causes normal to expire for me'
I think expire is combined with a subjective but not with objective. 'Something' expires or is due to expire.
5)quote:
I do it not or too long
Methinks a preposition is missing there: 'I do it not or for too long'
6)quote:
But one thing that will always
It is based on self-interest
Is there purrhaps a verb missing in the first line? 'But on thing will always be/remain" ?
I don't think you'd need 'that' in such a short sentence if you don't have a verb before it.
This stanza is, imho, overall very cumbersome I'm having real hard time to gather what is said here. Have you considered writing the thought behind this stanza out a bit more?
What does the 'It' in the end refer to? To the thinking or the 'one thing' in the previous line?
7)quote:
They are your innate
Methinks that in general, 'your innate' would need a noun ('your innate capabilities'?) to go with it, but since you have the referred to noun ('Talents') on the previous line, a rewording to 'They are innate to you' would probably work better. Was this what you were going after?
8)quote:
The weaknesses I know them.
Hmm, I don't think you'd need to have both 'The weaknesses' and then a pronoun 'them' referring back to the noun in the same, short sentence. I'd suggest dropping the pronoun:
'I know the weaknesses'
or adding a comma in between:
'The weaknesses, I know them'
It is an interesting poem in it's very restrainted representation. I don't claim to know much about autism, but I did interpret that the slightly cumbersome way of expression/style this was written in works as an additional effect in describing the condition and difficulties to express oneself. Did I get that right?
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