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Firefly -> RE: Short Stories by Xirminator - Comments and Criticism (6/20/2009 11:29:35)
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Your Critique as Requested from the "Need a Hand? I've Got a Few" Workshop
Usual notes: Take my suggestions with a grain of salt, especially since I'm neither scientist nor extreme science fiction fan. However, I am trying my best to help so no matter how weird I sound, perhaps try to consider my suggestions.
Since you said you don't want me to focus on grammar/spelling and just the big picture, that's what I'll do. Oh, and since I'll be discussing the storyline, a warning to anyone who hasn't read the story yet. There will be spoilers in my post. Don't read further if you plan on reading Xirmi's story for yourself.
Your story made me hold off from my brunch. Which means, it caught my attention and held it all the way through. I think you've struck a great balance between having a nifty concept (which sci-fi fans will approve of) and just having a darn good story (which will appeal to the mainstream crowd). Though you may not have the most original sci-fi idea and the best story possible, the fact that you have both to an adequate degree works to your advantage.
For starters, I suggest you add the actual title of the story onto the, well, story post. I didn't even know the title until I saw your workshop request.
Now, what were the areas you wanted me to touch up on? Ah yes, character, mood, story and description.
Characters: The main character seemed... well, he seemed fairly realistic, and his memories of the Ambassador as his childhood friend does somewhat endear the readers to him. Perhaps you could've showed his thought processes a bit more in the end, because his decision was so crucial, but I'm not really sure about this. I think leaving the audience to deduce his thoughts rather than telling them works well as is, so maybe I'm just offering an alternative instead of a suggestion. I think the main "issue" (if it can be called that) is that the main character isn't really 'larger than life' so to speak. Fictional characters should be realistic, yes, but they also should be more distinct, more exaggerated. Donald Maass put it really well in his book Writing the Breakout Novel. Basically, the best characters are ones who don't only say/do what real people do, but also say/do what real people wish they could've said or done.
As for the Ambassador, I expected him to be more of an ice cube after you described him as pure politics. However, it appeared that he was still temperamental and aggressive. Not sure if that's a fitting personality for an Ambassador, but I guess it works. It seems like a common character type, the aggravated authority figure, but I guess it works here.
As for Aligan, no objection. I love how you captured him being ominous but courteous. Very cool.
Mood: This is an area that I think you've done well in. You managed to add an air of tension, but not /too/ much. You built things up to a climax without seeming exaggerated, and you've done a good job of showing emotions rather than telling them. The futuristic air is very prominent without getting in the way of the actual story, and you've done a good job of balancing, well, frustrating the audience (so they want more) and satisfying the audience (so they don't get mad). My former English teacher said it's better to always satisfy the audience. I disagree. Like you said in the story itself, what's the fun in a story where you already know how it turns out?
Story: Another aspect you excelled in, though more because of the theme than the plot, imo. I like how you gave us a backdrop of something futuristic--and horrific, because you know how much I would hate a world where thoughts were not private and literature no longer had a place--but you don't directly discuss the technology. Instead, you add another layer of things with the concept of how much is the truth worth when a lie could save lives. I personally don't think peace should be grounded on a lie, but the greater good ideal will make me hesitate to make a decision if I were in your protagonist's shoes. Though the plot in the beginning didn't seem very unique, I think it was a good build to the ending. My only qualm about the story is that it's not extremely clear why humans withdrew from the galaxy and is refusing to join the United Worlds. I mean, I guess it's something to do with them knowing how to mind read, and I dunno if this is actually relevant, but it might be a good piece of info to know since it'll add another layer of depth to the story.
Oh, btw, I kinda expected a Bradbury-esque "technology will destroy us" by making humans extinct and having the robots rule earth. I'm glad you didn't go the cliche route but created a vision that was still scary.
Description: For a short story, I think you've done a good job. More would ruin the flow of the story. However, there is one thing I need to touch up on in this regard: it's science fiction. The main target of a science fiction story is, well, science fiction fans. Especially today, since though some genres like fantasy (to an extent) are becoming more mainstream, sci-fi remains a niche market. And... science fiction fans like to know that you know your science. Don't get me wrong, you don't need to be brilliant--the greatest hard sci-fi writers today aren't necessarily scientists--but you need to pay attention to adding those little details that'll make this sound like science as well as fiction. For example, when a spaceship enters earth's atmosphere, it has to do so at the /exact right angle/ or else it'll get incinerated. This is pretty common knowledge, and most likely you already know it, but when you're writing science fiction, it might be a good idea to tip your hat at science to add those little details. The science doesn't have to be entirely correct, but it has to be plausible. You simply have to show that you care a bit about the science by adding those little details.
Also, I think you could've added a bit more about watch exactly did Aligan do to the Ambassador. Something about minds again--did he control his mind or something? Maybe I missed it because I wasn't reading carefully enough.
I think that's all I have to say. Basically, good story, good theme. Perhaps try adding a few tidbits about science and letting the audience know why the humans are living in isolation. And maybe try making your protagonist more distinctive, though I think his current more mellow personality fits the role well. Your call.
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