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Fleur Du Mal -> RE: The Uninteresting Comments on an Ordinary Story (1/15/2009 14:10:57)
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Hi!
I like it, although the example is still pretty short. Anyways, I think that so far it is enjoyable and easy to read, and the style you're writing in seems to fit the story very well. Not much of the plot has been revealed yet, but what you have posted has effectively got me interested.
A couple of points you might want to check when editing (my opinions only!):
1)
quote:
Because of the strange circumstances of my birth, I am different than other men.
Just in case you want to get rid of the second 'of'-structure, you could reword this, for example to:
'Because of the strange circumstances surrounding my birth,...'
Removing the second 'of' would improve the flow, in my opinion.
Also, I suspect the correct preposition to use with 'different' in this context would be 'from' instead of 'than'.
2)quote:
I am constantly called on to prove my devotion, especially in this, the week before our Great Week of Celebration.
This caused some confusion to me, as it seems as if you are referring to a point of time with 'in this'?
Would this be better with 'in this' changed to 'now'?
3)quote:
the 620th anniversary of the Black Plague, when nearly a twentieth of Europe's population was killed.
This seems to be awfully close but not quite to the 1340s Black Death aka Black Plague, which killed 30%-60% of the European populace on estimate.
If you are referring to some other incident, might I suggest changing the name? It's my opinion only, yet again, but there's a risk that some confusion is now about to arise from this, making it look like there're some facts accidentally mixed up.
4)quote:
I am helpless. My prayers fall upon empty ears, and I can only wonder what I have done to scorn him.
Somehow, the ending of this part would sound even more effective with the order of these two sentences changed. That would make the last sentence match up with the last sentence of the first part, which can be for better or for worse, depending on personal preferences.
Anyways, I'll try to follow up on this if you'll end up posting more. =)
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