|
Cow Face -> RE: Poetoria - Comment Center - Jiggibidy's Poetry (5/10/2009 12:41:34)
|
I've said it before and I'll say it again- lazy cow is lazy! I've only just now gotten around to reading your poetry like I said I would. Better late than never, I suppose; sorry for the delay, though.
A few that stood out in particular to me:
Secrets - It sounds as though you've had at least one friend who has rather made an ass of themselves. The point-of-view here is what made it prominent in my eyes; while I am sure others have certainly done this, I at least had never considered a poem written from a personal antagonist's point of view.
Had My Chance - I find that your more structured poems hold the most meaning for me, and this was not an exception. Some of the wordplay here was imaginative, such as "You act like I'm toxic, / But I'm intoxicated". [Period out of quotation marks for the quote's sake. =P] In addition, I like how you re-incorporated the verse about holding Death into the final verse, but while changing the lines enough to avoid monotony.
Patronizing - Very easy to relate to. I don't know how many people have felt as though their advice is ignored in the shadow of generalized, biased belief.
Life of a 'Hog - You've managed here to make a rather deep analogy of life to the Sonic the Hedgehog series of games. I enjoyed the symbolism here, such as rings to superfluous items.
Stray From the Path - To me, this was a bit haunting, not that that's a bad thing. I think it's what happens to some people; they see that despite their best efforts, being good doesn't always bring pleasure. In fact, by our definition of "good," it often deprives one of that pleasure- though at times for the reward of the pleasure, and perhaps even happiness, of others. In some ways, it reminds me of what I have heard of King Solomon, the man who tried everything pleasurable, had a good time, then realized that it was all pointless, since when he would die, it would all be gone, "Dust in the wind."
I'd Become Perfect - Quick thought here; I agree with you about what you said of there being nothing left to achieve after perfection.
Proofreading
I notice that until Life of a Hog, you tend to put commas in every line that does not have a different quotation mark. My suggestion with these is that you go through them, looking at them as if they were written as a prose sentence, and see which ones need correcting. As for the rest of these: I saved this to my flash drive on Friday, so you may have corrected some, or even all of them by now. Also, I tend to pick nits, so since you're the writer, you of course choose which ones to listen to and which ones to ignore.
Welcome and Goodbye - Last line: most punctuation marks go inside of quotation marks and/or apostrophes. Semicolons are an exception.
Secrets - Fifth verse, first line: this doesn't make much sense to me, though it could be my tired mind.
Sorrow's Shores - Third verse, last line: the period needs to be in the quotation marks.
Skooby - "Obvioulsy nice," - Should be "Obviously"
Path to Inspiration - Sixth verse, third line: period's out of the quotation marks.
Breakdown - First line: I'm not sure if you want the exclamation point here.
Twelfth line: You have said here: "You burn the remnants, of what was once a, a great thing." Do you desire the extra "a" here?
Why Do I Hate You? - Third line: Cherish need not be capitalized.
|
|
|
|
