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Maegwyn -> Issue 39 - Conspiracy Corner: Love (CowFace) (2/8/2009 12:18:53)
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Conspiracy Corner: Love
By CowFace
Snerk... mememe... sniffle... snort...
"Psst! Time to write your article!"
Oh, sorry. I- sniff- just a sec. Okay, Cow Face. Deep breaths now. Remember, you're a big investigative journalist. You can handle this... Dear readers, I hope that you don't mind that I wrote this article with ink made out of my tears! Sob... Excuse me, I lost control for a moment. I'm so sorry, I'm going to write this article for you, I just need a moment to compose myself.
Just in time for Hero(ine)'s Heart Day and Snugglefest- or Cow Face's Lonely Day, as they should call it- I have found that the thing which is nearest our hearts at this time of year is, in fact, evil. There, I said it. Love is evil! I don't care what kind of "warm, fuzzy feeling" you get, the only feeling I'll get is that of pain! Sorry, I know I shouldn't make this an attack on a personal basis, that would ruin my credibility. I just can't help it. I'm so... sniff... sad! Quick, it's Personal Experience Scene Time! Sniffle, snerk...
It's a lovely day on Lore; the Wyverns (they would have a part in this) are singing, the Sneevils are dancing, and the mecha hum quietly away in their garages. Everywhere you go, there is a feeling of goodwill and happiness permeating the air. Everything and everyone is trimmed in pink for the occasion. What occasion? Why, Snugglefest/Hero(ine)'s Heart Day! Look over there, I spy an Adventurer/Hero/Mecha Pilot- no, two of them! One is giving the other a box of chocolates and a hug! Aw, isn't that sweet?
NO.
I apologize again, kind readers, but I must interrupt this Personal Experience Scene Time (or P.E.S.T.) to bring you an important news bulletin. That is in no way sweet. Guess what? I doubt they'll stay together that long. After all, in one reality, they're both college students, and they'll break up in a week! Or, they're both heroes, and have things to do that are more important than their social lives. Also, that chocolate will make them fat, and rot their teeth, to boot! And hugs just symbolize the slow rate at which the air will exit your lungs when-
I apologize again, kind readers, but I have been informed that if I were to continue at the rate I was going, I would ruin everyone's holiday. Granted, mine is already ruined...!
No, that's okay, no cattle prod, I'll stop!
Ahem... In the month known as February on Terra, Lorians everywhere celebrate either Snugglefest or Hero(ine)'s Heart Day. In some realities, they do this by helping out random NPCs for no good- er, because it brings them cheer and happiness. In others, they put on an embarrassing bear suit, beat up cutesy monsters, then do an embarrassing- alright, "cute"- song and dance routine. In others, they go on blind dates with werewolf bikers, Shadowscythe aliens, evil beings who choose to manifest themselves in the form of a gummy bear and more. As of right now, I don't know what they'll do in the fourth reality, but I am sure that it will be sickeningly sweet and caring.
Look, do I really have to write this? Okay, okay, okay, I'll do it. But not because you're threatening to withhold my food, or anything! 'Cause I feel like it, understand?
...Aaand, they're gone. Dear readers, I can now tell you the hideous truth behind this holiday. I am sure that you have been fed the line about caring and sharing once a year, or perhaps the one about the hero(ine) who did all this stuff and got a holiday named after them. I am here to tell you that that's not really true. Here's what really happened. Cue the Historical Sequence!
Once upon a time, boys and girls, there was a big, ugly monster. Everyone was scared because he was so-o-o ugly. He decided that he needed to find some way to make people appreciate him. So, one day, he set off on a long journey. It took him many years, but he eventually found a very wise man who lived on top of a very tall mountain. He asked the wise man, "O Very Wise Man Who Lives On Top Of A Very Tall Mountain Who Also Happens To Have a Very Long, Pointless Name, I'm just so-o-o ugly!"
The wise man replied, "Yeah, you are. So whaddaya want me to do about it?"
The monster thought, and thought, and thought. Finally, he came up with an idea! "O Very Wise Man, Etc., could you tell me what would make people want to come near me?"
This time, the wise man thought, and thought, and thought. After a very long time, he decided, "Here's what you're gonna do. Make a holiday for people to celebrate love!"
The monster asked him, "So that people will see that I really do care about love, and they'll love me?"
"No," replied the Very Wise Man, "offer to sell them overpriced chocolate and flowers! They'll buy it for each other, you'll get money, and they'll have to come to you to buy it. Capiche?" The monster said that he preferred mocha, and was off on his way. The rest is history.
So there you have it. That whole holiday was created so that... sniff... people who can't get girls- er, other people- to come near them can... can... Waaaaah! I miss my Snugglewugglebear! Just go! I want to be alone! Snerk, sniff, honk.
The previous article was an outright fabrication. Cow Face is in no need of condolences. However, hugs and snugs, nuzzles and snuzzles are, as always, appreciated. Happy Snugglefest/Hero(ine)'s Heart Day! Don't eat too much candy!
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