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Eukara Vox -> Issue 40 - Conspiracy Corner: Leprechauns (Cow Face) (3/11/2009 16:07:28)
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Conspiracy Corner: Leprechauns
By Cow Face
Saint Patrick's Day is celebrated on Terra every year, on March 17th. If you ask someone why we celebrate it, they might tell you that it's because of Saint Patrick.* He is known for bringing Christianity to Ireland back in 428 A.D.- and by some legends, driving the snakes out. Others might tell you it's because you are allowed to be violent to others on that day, a wholesome pastime celebrated by children everywhere. Still some might tell you that it's because you get to consume funky green drinks. No matter the cause, however, this holiday consistently brings one image to mind: Leprechauns.**
The Leprechaun, a word derived from the Irish leipreachan (for "small body"), is known on Terra as a short, mischievous Irish elf, usually dressed in a green suit, who makes shoes and, if captured, will tell you where to find his Wee Pot O' Gold. In some contexts, they are well-meaning, if playful, creatures who mean no harm to anyone. But in others, they are displayed for what they truly are. Evil!
Ever since I was but a wee laddie, I had heard tales of these imps of the Emerald Isle.*** Oftentimes, they were depicted telling lucky adventurers where to find their gold, which sometimes disappeared afterwards. Fortunately, in my (slightly) advanced age, I have come to realize that this was utterly untrue. From my studies, no self-respecting leprechaun would really tell anyone where to find the pot of gold, even if it was the disappearing kind. They are far more likely to just attack you on sight, or perhaps turn you into a donkey or some such.***** This tendency might be attributed to their natural sense of self-preservation. Alternatively, it might be caused by a fear of the Big Folk. My theory is that they are trying to hide something ...Besides their gold. It isn't really at the end of a rainbow, by the way; they'd have to run a long way looking for it. In fact, the only gold at the end of a rainbow is the Golden Set, which [Insert Ramble Here.]
The natural follow-up would be to discover what it is that they are hiding. Could it be the answer to where you are when you are at sixes and sevens? How long it would take a one-legged grasshopper to kick the pit out of an olive?****** The most massive collection of Skittles ever? Or is it something worse, something so hideous that we can only begin to fathom the disastrous effect that it would have on our culture? My money's on that last one.
For millennia, they have built up their forces. Millions of shillelaghs have been produced to arm them, hundreds of millions of clovers farmed to sustain them. Oh, they may doff their hats and wish us the top o' the morning now, but this pleasant facade will soon enough come to an end. For under those green waistcoats, beneath those smiling faces lies a danger which we have not yet come to know. Their venom has infected us, unseen and unobserved. Even when presented with evidence of it- the Lepresneevils were a sign!- we have written it off as coincidence. There is a revolution coming, and I do not refer to that of the Earth. What they are protecting, what causes their nervous aggression toward any other living thing, is their secret weapon. I know no specific details, but I believe it has something to do with river-dancing and funny hats. The following gives clear evidence of their vicious plan. I assume no responsibility from injury due to blown minds.
O'Greenie: Top o' the morning to ye!
O'Meanie: And the same to ye, Patty. How does the clover fare?
O'Greenie: Well enough, well enough. And you, how does the shillelagh plant go?
O'Meanie: Nothin' to be said against it.
O'Greenie: Good t' hear. I must be off, though. That clover won't tend to itself, eh?
"Clover" is apparently a code name for their operation. Knowing these sneaky people, it is likely to be something inconspicuous, which we wouldn't notice. In fact, it's probably already here, waiting for the day when it might be switched on to wreak its havoc. We must look at recent changes to see where this danger might lie. As is noted by their behavior, gold is an important part of Leprechaun society. Gold is used as money in many instances of Lore. Money, money... What's happened with money recently here? Oh, that's right- a lot of it went away. Apparently, it's even effected Terra. What else came about recently? Ah, Lucky Strikes in AdventureQuest! Lucky Strikes are signified by increased damage- and two four-leaf clovers surrounding the damage numbers. Four-leaf clovers are associated with Leprechauns; it all comes together! The only way to prevent them, though, is to have 0 Luck. So, I implore you: Become unlucky. Walk under ladders, pet black cats, do thirteen of everything for thirteen days in a row, whatever you feels brings about bad luck. This shouldn't be too hard, though. After all, we had a Friday the 13th last month, and there's another one coming up this month. How lucky can we get?
__________
* Bet you didn't see that coming.
** And funky green drinks.
*** This isn't entirely related, but I am partially descended from the Angus clan of Ireland.****
**** No, really, I'm not kidding. I am five-eighths Irish.
***** All leprechauns are related to Robin Goodfellow, or at least read Shakespeare.
****** Answer: A yardstick.
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