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Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Clash of Heart and Mind: Crimz's Poetry (4/11/2009 18:26:57)
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Well, may I just join the crowd and say that you and Clyde did an excellent job with that Stalemate! Good flow, enjoyable rhymes, plus the contributions from both of you blend in together.
Now, here's a thing I didn't get:
quote:
my loyal knights, and weakling pawns
What do you need that comma for? I know that it's grammatically correct to have it there, since you are making a list there, beginning on the previous line. It's just that, in my opinion, it creates a pause in the poem in a place where you don't need a pause. On the other hand, if you want to stress the fact, that it's the narrator's belongings his counting, you could keep the comma and add 'my' after 'and':
quote:
I've lost everything, my royal wife
my loyal knights, and my weakling pawns
Whether you remove the comma, add the 'my', or leave it as it is, it's your call, of course!
A couple of comments about Unforgivable:
It's powerful enough piece for me to get a grasp on the level of turmoil. However, there's two things I think you could check:
quote:
You once had a place in my heart I once held dearly
This line is both in the first and the last stanza. Imho, the repetition of 'once' doesn't add anything here. It actually confuses me a lot to read 'once' twice, lol. But that might be just my problem.
quote:
Your sensitive feelings… pierced by a sword so blunt
I guess… in your world, my feelings don’t count
Imo, these words don't rhyme 100%, while the other lines have perfect rhymes when it comes to their last syllables. Therefore, I'd suggest some rewording. Unfortunately, these words are hard to replace without messing up the lines. Here are my two weird suggestions anyway, you are free to reject or use them if you choose to change it.
1)Your sensitive feelings… pierced by a sword so irate
I guess… in your world, my feelings have no weight
2)Your sensitive feelings… pierced by a sword and shattered
I guess… in your world, my feelings never mattered
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